With or without sex work as a job choice, I would say sex is an avenue of self discovery. I learned how to be more assertive, how to appreciate differences and how vulnerable yet liberating it could be to open yourself up to another person. I’m not a touchy feely kind of person – deep emotional interaction is my idea of hell. I’m not good with emotions, I don’t enjoy sharing mine and I don’t seek out ways to connect with others on that level. So, through sex, I’ve learned how to express feelings physically and it is a very healthy outlet for me.
Sex can be whatever you make it to be and I don’t know that enough people make use of that. It doesn’t have to be an act of self destruction, or dirtiness or simply for pleasure. If you have a sexual partner who is willing to experiment and teach and learn with you then sex can actually be a very, very powerful and very personal development tool.
Reasons Men Visit Sex Workers
I hear all sorts; wife is pregnant/menopausal/absent right through to breakups and exploring fantasies. Some wives and partners know about their male counter parts seeing escorts (some even book in for them) which I’ve always thought was quite nifty. When girls train with me, I like to remind them that they should never judge their clients based on their marital status. We don’t know whats going on in their lives and its not for us to pry.
As a sensual masseuse, I’ve found that most of my clients with partners use massage as a way to have intimacy again in their lives, to feel validated and wanted or simply just to have a human moment of total self indulgence where the entire world is just focused on them and their needs.
Common Misconceptions About Sex Workers
1. We are going to steal your man.
I’ve been in this position a few times where friends have suddenly become concerned that I might seduce their partners. Bluntly put, sex workers are not usually after your men. We get paid to have men in our lives, a freebie for the sake of it is not high on our list of priorities.
2. Sex workers are riddled with STD’s.
In New Zealand, sex workers legally have to provide services safely. This means condoms, gloves, dental dams and so on. We are aware of what could go wrong and what having and STD could mean for us, our partners/family and work.
Compare this to a person in a club, drunk, sleeping around, forgetting condoms thinking the morning after pill will sort out any accidents, sharing drinks, kissing everyone they deem attractive…
Why It’s Okay For Men To Visit Sex Workers
As long as they are not getting emotionally attached I think it’s a very safe and therapeutic indulgence. It’s a period where you are told you can not answer your phone, you aren’t being harassed by kids/family/partners/
I do have clients who feel guilty for seeing us and I try to get them to understand that it’s ok to look after yourself in whatever way works best for you. I truly understand monogamy and that not all partners are open to it but at the end of the day, if a visit to a sex worker is what is going to keep your mental and emotional health in check then not a single person has any right to tell you it’s wrong. We all have our ways of coping with life and that is something to be respectful of, not something to be controlled. Happiness is not an illicit substance.
What Men Should Know Before Seeing One
1. Do your research. Check out forums with reviews, ask other punters for opinions, call said sex worker or her agency to make sure you know what is on offer and the limitations. If you are in anyway uncertain of someone, book elsewhere.
2. Please for love all things be hygienic. This is a very up close and personal experience. Brush your teeth (or go to the dentist – we all need our check ups) and gargle with mouth wash. Wash under your foreskin and your bottom. Then wash it again. Aim not to have body stubble – It really hurts. I’m a fan of manscaping. You would be surprised how many men have pubes longer than their penises. Long pubes get in the way of everything.
3. Come prepared and communicate. Sex workers are awesome and some of us are pretty intuitive, but we aren’t mind readers. If you are fast to the finish line, occasionally cant even make it to the finish line, are in a weird headspace or want something in particular, tell us. It’s better when we are both on the same page. Bring some extra cash to tip or use for additional services if you think its something you want to explore.
4. Respect our boundaries. Just because you have opted to tell us your life story, it does not mean we are obligated to tell you ours. If a woman says no, she means no. Irrespective of location, level of undress or profession – consent is sexy! Don’t be that guy who thinks that a grope is acceptable because she’s a sex worker. Unwanted physical contact is still sexual assault.
5. Go in with an open mind. Don’t over think it. It may be very different to what you expected and 9 time out of 10 thats a really, really good thing.
Lacey – A multi-award winning sensual masseuse residing in Auckland, New Zealand. Care-taker/operator of Debonairs.
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