BDSM For Beginners

I think the Kink and alternative lifestyles such as swinging etc, are a great way to incorporate more excitement into your sex life. For some, it’s fun exploration but for others, like myself, it is something you are born with and it is as much a necessity as breathing.  Kink, for me, is an expression of who I am and allows me to be creative, devious, sexual and animalistic at the same time, as nurturing and protective towards the people who I play with. Although most of the time Kink is a sexual experience for me, it does not always have to be. Take for example Shibari (Japanese Rope Bondage).  It can be practiced as an art form where one ties knots beautifully and creates stunning poses with the body whilst suspended for a breathlessly beautiful photograph, OR it can be a rough, not so beautiful, tie that exposes areas of the body for abuse and pleasure. There is always two sides to everything.

BDSM I Am Into

I consider myself a Kinky Chameleon. I am personally into very many forms of kink and sexual expression. If you can name it I have probably done it and liked it!

One of the main things I am into is impact play such as whipping, paddling, caning, spanking etc. This basically means I love to hit people on the bum/legs/arms/back/breasts and cause lots of pain that the submissive enjoys very much. Recently I have taken more of an interest in caning. A cane is a long piece of rattan, lucite, rubber, or metal (my favourites are the rattan canes since they are more flexible and lightweight) which is used to hit an area of skin and cause an intense stinging sensation that can result in very beautiful double lined bruises. I have taken it upon myself to create artwork with my cane by making patterns on my “canvas” with said bruises.

Another area of Kink I love is the violation of anuses via strap-ons, also known as Pegging. Ladies, this is something you will very much enjoy doing to a male partner as he squirms and begs for mercy (consensually of course).  When attempting to invade an asshole you have to be gentle! ….Or not, depending on what your partner enjoys 😉 Pegging, although fun as hell, needs to be done in a manner which is comfortable for all involved. Use lots of good quality lube ( I use lube like Fuckwater or H2O) and ease a comfortable size toy in there in a downward direction while he is on all fours.  There is a point in the easing in process that your partner will feel a second of discomfort, which is totally normal, stop for a second to allow them to get used to it then you are good to go for as long as you are both having fun. I very much enjoy anal training via pegging. Once my partner is easily taking the toy I upgrade to a slightly bigger one to create a challenge!

Puppy/kitty play is also great fun! This is where you can dress your partner as a dog/cat and treat them as such. This can involve many things like petting, brushing, leading them around on a leash for a walk, playing with them with pet toys, feeding them from pet bowls to more punishment type things like caging, spanking with a newspaper, having them urinate in the corner/ litter box. The sky is the limit for fun things you can do with your human pet.

Recommendations For Beginners

For beginners I would suggest starting with light bondage in the bedroom. Perhaps binding your partner’s hands and legs to the bed and seeing how they like that while blindfolded and you run your hands down their body.  There are ways to tie two limbs together, such as a hand to a leg, that is slightly uncomfortable but not painful and explore the interesting positions you can have fun with.

Sensation play is also something that is easily done and loads of fun. This involves taking away one of your senses while using something you are not used to on the skin or while doing things sexually. Take for example blindfolding your partner and using objects that are hot, cold, sticky, sharp, soft  or abrasive on their skin to heighten awareness of those areas and create arousing sensations.  Perhaps taking a wartenburg wheel and running over your partner’s body would be something they might enjoy or using some fir or leather to stimulate them. The important thing here is to discuss beforehand what they do and do not like in terms of sensations.

Do’s & Don’ts

There are so many do’s and dont’s in kink but the one pillar is communication. You must discuss things with your partner openly and honestly.  Topics that should be discussed are things you definitely like, things you may be willing to try, and things that are hard NOs and then respect and adhere to what your partner has said. And as time goes on these things may change. Areas that were a no in the past could become a maybe and things that were a yes could suddenly become a no but it is important to always make your partner aware.

In the Kink community we have a type of slogan we all live by: Safe, Sane and Consensual. This refers to how you should be before, during and after a scene. Always play SAFE. This means that you are knowledgeable in what you are doing with your partner and will not cause them any harm they have not agreed to. It also means the environment is a comfortable place and all of your equipment is clean and ready to use. Never ever use tools that you, or your partner, have not cleaned yourself. SANE, this means that both you and your partner are able to make clear and safe decisions pertaining to the scene. If you are hammered or under the influence of drugs you are not in a position to be playing because you can harm your partner or your partner can agree to something in the moment that they wouldn’t normally do. Doing this is a surefire way to violate all sorts of lines and can really hurt people. Lastly, CONSENSUAL. Consent is a key element to this equation. This means that you and your partner have discussed and explicitly agreed and are comfortable with each other’s wants and limits and WILL respect them.  If you do not have consent for something do not do that thing.  Once you have gotten to know your partner you will understand what they consent to and what they do not. It is also imperative to discuss new areas of interest with a steady partner and get consent before doing those things.  If you are unsure about something just ask your partner. It is better to ask for consent 100 times and get it then to break consent and cause harm to someone.

Progressing In Your Kink Exploration Journey

I would suggest going to workshops at the many sex positive spaces that are out there! if you are uncomfortable with being out in public there are many forms of websites such as fetlife.com that can give you information on any topic you are interested in from home. Also talking to people who are skilled in an area you want to know more about is always a good way to go about it. For instance if you know someone who is good at fireplay and you would like to learn ask them to teach you. I have found that skill sharing is a great way to learn new things and get to know the people in the community better.  If all else fails Google it! Although please do be careful and make sure the source is credible before using the information in play time.

Ava Rose – I am a Toronto based professional Dominatrix who revels in the training of slaves for my personal amusement.  I am skilled at effortlessly causing great amounts of pain or intense pleasure depending on my mood.  My passion in life is kink and it translates to the best experience possible when torturing and teasing submissives, who always beg for more. Come play with me…if you are brave enough.

Follow me at my website missavarose.ca or on Twitter @Miss_AvaRose

I am available to book privately or at the Fetish Fantasy Studio where I will be releasing video content shortly and an ongoing series of sexy vids for purchase!

Images courtesy of Ava Rose
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