Am I really cut out to be… a submissive?
It’s a common and concerning question for many of us when we first begin to explore ourselves. Where do I belong in the jungle of this lifestyle? What is right for me among all these titles? Am I really cut out to be a…submissive? It can be a little alarming, and a bit confusing. For those of us who are submissive, we usually learn that way pretty quickly. For myself, I always lived this way before I started to really “live” this way. I’ve always, even at a young age, had that inner desire to serve and please.
Many things can lead us away from the path of submission. Lack of confidence, being unsure about what we really and fully desire, and of course… not knowing what we should do, or what will be expected of us. I’ve also heard some expressed worry that they will lose who they are, or lose power over themselves. I want to discuss these topics and hopefully put some minds at ease, and perhaps help others decide if this is the right path for them.
Confidence.
This is a biggie. Like most things in life, if we do not have confidence, we will constantly doubt ourselves. We all struggle with this at times. And usually, there is a reason behind why we feel this way, beyond all that Dr. Freud-type self analyzing.
A common reason would be: We feel less confident because we worry about what people may say or how they may think about us. How people will look at us differently perhaps. Some people that may be unfamiliar with the lifestyle can picture a submissive as a weak, small thing with no confidence. Someone with no voice. And one of the worst that I have heard… a door mat. I am here to tell you, that is so far from the truth. And the good news is, that old visual of us is not as popular as it once was. Thanks to the internet, books, and even mainstream movies, many more people now understand, even if it is not something that they would consider for themselves.
The fact is, the more submissives you meet, the more you will see that they are usually opposite from those old stereotypes. They are empowered, free, often very strong willed… some even impishly so *cough*, and anything but weak or lacking confidence.
With that said, I’ll let you in on something else I have learned. I have never, ever in my life until Sir and I entered the local and online community… seen such a loving bunch of people. One of the most common rules I see given to submissives, are ones that help them RAISE their confidence. Or ones that do not allow them to self bad talk. Not many Dominant’s will tolerate their sub bad talking themselves. We get taught to love ourselves, and take care of ourselves – inside and out.
Not being sure if it’s what you desire.
This one, I think, is the easiest to cover. Almost every single submissive I have ever spoken with has agreed that it’s not something that we do, or just want. It’s part of who we are. It doesn’t go away. The desire to please is often strong in us, especially once we realize it is there. Does it mean that we are submissive in all aspects of our lives? Of course not, there are many submissive’s that are fully dominant in other areas such as parenting, work, or other vanilla areas in life.
The biggest thing I tell those new to the lifestyle who have came to me has been this – stop worrying about what is right for everyone else, and take a look into yourself. Is this who you are? Do you have that desire to please? Are you eager to hear words of approval and satisfaction? From serving Him/Her coffee in a way that pleases Them, to greeting Them at the foot of the bed or by the front door at the end of the day. It’s there inside of you. Sometimes, you just need to stop worrying about what comes after, and acknowledge that it is in fact there, and a part of who you are.
Being unsure of what to do, or what will be expected of you.
Is He/She really going to want me to do this or that….? Is He/She really going to throw me over a stool and spank me pink?! Will I have to kneel on, ack, Legos?! Well, maybe. But, remember, there are limits in everything. And here is where you can be at ease and know, if you do not already, that all respectful Dominants respect Hard and Soft limits, even in punishment.
They will also follow things like, Safe Sane and Consensual, or RACK.
- SSC: Safe: attempts should be made to identify and prevent risks to health
Sane: activities should be undertaken in a sane and sensible frame of mind
Consensual: all activities should involve the full consent of all parties involved.
- RACK: Risk-aware: Both or all partners are well-informed of the risks involved in the proposed activity.
Consensual: In light of those risks, both or all partners have, of sound mind, offered preliminary consent to engage in said activity.
Kink: Said activity can be classified as alternative sex.
One of the many things to enjoy in being a submissive, is learning and trying new things. And with the right Dominant, you will hopefully find someone who will know when to help you push your limits, if you want them pushed. Nothing is more important than FULL honesty, and FULL communication. It also means establishing trust. Your Dominant, would and should expect full honesty in all things; not to be some nosy bossy type, but to keep you safe. Mentally and physically.
Worries of losing who you are.
One of the biggest things I have found in myself since I started embracing my submissiveness and living this way 24/7, is that I haven’t lost any parts of me. Instead, I have gained. It set me free from things deep within myself that are hard to even put into words. I don’t feel I have lost the power over myself, but that I have gained it. I think you’ll find many who agree on this, for it’s a common self-realization many of us seem to have. It’s hard to explain, but trust me on this – if you find that this is the path for you, and can work through these very normal, initial feelings – you will get it. For me, when I hit that point, it was as if a huge light bulb went on over my head.
I understood where I belonged, finally. I understood my deepest desires, and that me being submissive wasn’t something to learn, but rather something to embrace. It goes beyond any physical act or lessons that we can be taught. It’s there, deep inside of you, and once you recognize that it’s there.. you can, without a doubt be cut out to be a submissive. Trust your feelings, trust who you are, and then get ready for the ride of your life. It’s truly one of the most fulfilling and satisfying things you will ever do, if it is indeed your path. After that, the rest will come. Sore bottoms, Lego kneeling and all.
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