Tag: Women

Summer = Showtime!

Dear fashionistas,

Can you still remember the amazing Marc Jacobs’ collection for Louis Vuitton’s latest Spring/Summer season fashion show? It was most outstanding and in case you’ve missed it, here is the YouTube link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igmtA_yKUH8

It was a sensational big bang; the final statement to end Marc Jacobs’ era with this reputational French fashion house.http:show-for-louis-vuitton

Marc Jacobs’ show was also interesting because this collection gives us plenty of ideas for our private showtimes at home: Make your appearance remarkable, be gorgeous, be a showgirl! Take the breath away from your sweetheart! Give him a performance he never will forget.

But how to go about doing that?

Be mysterious, wear black. Black is the most seductive color as it never goes out of style and looks sensational on every woman. Select lingerie made of high quality materials because you don´t want to leave a sleazy tacky impression. Black lace is always a good choice! It is ever so sophisticated and never fails to work its mojo. Below is a classic black lace slip dress.

What about pearls? Oh yes, so nice and delicate! And if you have seen “Sex and the City” then you know how naughty pearls can be! Yes, be naughty!

Do also try crotchless briefs, peephole bras and open cup babydolls!

My special recommendation for A-Cup girls who don’t feel comfortable wearing open cup bras is to try versions such as the one shown below.

The bra has a padded and push-up cup to give you a sexy cleavage and is covered with a see-through mesh or lace to maintain the sexy and light feeling.

Last but not least, let´s think about accessories. One can never go wrong with teasing. Have you ever tried whips or tassels? If not, this is your opportunity! In line with the big glamour theme, we use chichi kits with rhinestones (but of course), marabou feathers or sequins.

And now, let’s have a sexy summer showtime !

Images courtesy of Jutta Teschner | Design and Managing Director | fishbelly

fishbelly is located at 45, Hollywood Road 1/F, Soho/Central, Hong Kong. For more enquiries, contact fishbelly at Tel. (+852) 5111 9877, mail@fishbelly-lingerie.com or visit their website at http://www.fishbelly-lingerie.com/ All photos in this article are courtesy of fishbelly.

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June 13, 2014
Are YOU Getting It?

Spilling the Beans from Inside the Sex Industry

I am going to say something controversial. Brace yourself. Before you brace yourself, allow me to introduce myself—I’m Matt Chase, my work name is Matt-at-Lotus. I am a sex worker (although I prefer to be called a ‘sexpert’, go on, please …) who gets paid to have sex with mainly men but this sometimes depends on, you know, wind direction and the like (wink wink). I’m also a writer and trained in therapeutic interventions including counselling and psychotherapy. Now, are you bracing?

Sex workers get paid to make love to their clients.

I told you I was going to say something controversial.

You see, I believe that you can make love on a one night stand. I also believe that you can pay for a lovemaking session and yes, I believe passionately that you can be paid to make love to someone. The thing about me is that I genuinely enjoy my job. As with all professions, some workers will just go through the motions for money and others will be doing the job of their dreams. I am doing the job of my dreams. Why? I am a man who gets paid to do what he loves to do—make love, teach guys how to have body orgasms (yes guys it is possible, call me), have sex (it’s slightly different from making love), massage sexually, share a laugh, have some fun, give some compassion and be a shoulder to lean on—everything I was born to do.

I have always been very highly sexed. I was born with an innate gift of empathy and I have always had a knack of knowing just what another wants and needs between the sheets (or on the floor, up against the wall … you get the idea). Sex workers, it seems to me, get a bum deal (pun intended) when it comes to exactly what the world at large thinks we get up to.

Actually, they have no idea.

Once upon a Christmas, I was at an ‘office party’—a gathering of sex workers at the annual party thrown by the guy who runs a well-known Escort Listings site—and the conversation of course, moved onto our work. “I always find the real session starts after the sex, that’s when I become the client’s therapist” … “I love the elderly clients who have only just found the courage to accept themselves as gay” … “My disabled client last week told me an escort had turned him away! That’s so unprofessional” … “I love being an escort, there’s no job like it” … and the comments continued rolling from my colleagues’ tongues as I proceeded to make mental notes, you know, being a writer and all.

The thing is, I have a confession to make. The Christmas party as mentioned was going to be my ‘goodbye and farewell’ to the industry as I prepared to concentrate on my ‘other’ lives of writing and doing odd jobs but then something happened. I fell in love all over again.

I fell in love with my colleagues; the most professional, respectful and genuine people you are ever likely to meet. I fell in love with my job; a job that has never bored me, has always been safer than my other jobs (I was attacked with a knife when I was a nurse, bullied by my boss as a therapist, I could go on …) and yes I have to admit, pays very nicely thank you. I fell in love with my rebellious nature for you have to have balls to do this job and stand tall in a world where all sex workers are tarred with the same stigmatised brush. I remember once when the trainer in the gym asked me what I did for a living. “I’m a sex worker”, I replied. The poor man almost fell off the treadmill.

What is it about sex that makes us so shy? Is it the sex? Or is it the intimacy? I say it again. Sex workers get paid to make love to their clients. Is it the make love bit that makes us so uncomfortable?

I can feel a cause coming on. I can sense a heat burning from within and no, it isn’t a bladder infection. It’s rage—passionate, soulful, society-changing rage. Why?

Because ‘they’ are trying to change the law.

The ‘powers’ from within the corridors of representation (yes people, we elect them to represent us) are attempting to manipulate the system in order to criminalise men and women who pay for sex.

So I say it again. Sex workers make love to their clients.

Oh there’s nothing wrong with sex, don’t get me wrong and yes I do see very clearly that I do work a little differently than most sex workers, but I am deliberately pushing a point here. You cannot legislate against human emotion. You cannot do it. You also cannot legislate in order to control other people according to your own inhibitions. Society as a whole should not be given the power to stigmatise an entire profession on the basis of how they appear to be. Hence, the reason as to why I have written this article that shows you how it really is for me and my colleagues.

Yes, there are many different aspects of prostitution and yes, there are serious issues such as exploitation, trafficking, drug use, among others that need addressing but there are already laws put in place to protect people from this (if it isn’t their choice) and there exist laws intended to protect children and vulnerable adults but they are not working. Introducing new laws—which equally will not work—has been challenged by academics, liberty groups and sex workers but their arguments are falling on deaf ears. A knee-jerk reaction by out-of-date governments is not the answer. It never was.

If you do what you always did, you get what you always got. Find another way. If you would like some help in finding another way, why not ask a professional sex worker for some advice? Because we probably know more than you do. No offence intended, but let’s get to the root of the problem here: ignorance.

I do the job I do because I am good at it. I am not female. I am not trafficked. I wasn’t abused as a child and I don’t use drugs. Well, apart from too much coffee but you gotta give me something …

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June 12, 2014
Fan Submissions: No Finesse Whatsoever

“Is this water or silicone based lube?” Mike questioned from the bed.

I stared back at him from the bathroom sink. “Um, silicone.”

“Oh, well I thought you couldn’t use silicone lube with silicone toys, something about it messing up the toy’s surface.” Mike responded quizzically.

“Oh, Fuck. I don’t know.”

I pulled the string of pale purple anal beads from the sink of warm water and pinched them slightly.

“Pretty sure they’re just rubber.”

My relationship with Mike grew out of a shared interest in spirituality, whatever the fuck that really means. I was searching for a way out of my vapid sorority saturated college experience and he was available, ready and willing to lure me into one of the strangest relationships I’ll ever know. So, what began as a bond formed over hot coffee and discussions of The Secret, turned into a weirdly fulfilling sexual conquest and bout of experimentation. It’s also what led to my ability to give one hell of a blowjob. I can say that with confidence because I probably gave the kid over 200 blowjobs. I was also taking tips from Sasha Grey videos. He unfortunately, ate pussy like a real amateur. No finesse whatsoever. He treated the whole ordeal like a medical procedure, nerve-racking and tedious. Nothing worse than revealing in a state of post orgasmic bliss and seeing your significant other’s face pull away from your pussy in twisted confusion and fear.

Despite the excessive exchange of oral sex, our sex-ationship held an experimental element that resembled a Masters and Johnson type affair. Our sex had purpose, outside of meaning and intimacy, which it was virtually devoid of. We were pioneers on a sexual frontier conquesting through the use of sex toys, amateur YouTube videos and shared fantasies. Originally, it was all his idea. One night early on, he pulled out a drawstring bag from beneath his bed as I was reading a compilation of Buddhist fables. Without speaking he dumped the contents onto the bed, smiling coyly like some perverted Santa Claus delivering gifts on Christmas. Strewn across the red sheets lay brightly colored cock rings, anal beads, Velcro handcuffs, strange squishy blue dice with words that read “suck” or “pinch” or “kiss”, and a shiny egg-shaped vibrator. “My bag of toys, for you.” He remarked, playing even more into the perverted Santa Claus role. Truthfully though, I loved them all. Each toy brought on a new challenge. I became obsessed, in a way, with the excitement it provided. I felt empowered.

I certainly had my own sexual interest too. They developed mostly out of watching consecutive episodes of True Blood. Something about the erotic subordination of humans during vampire sex that caused me to raise an eyebrow with investigatory excitement. The way this translated in the bedroom was far less fantastical. It involved Mike choking me during intercourse to act out the domineering role of a hollow hearted and sex driven Bill Compton. Most of our fantasies played out that way, providing fleeting enjoyment that fell short due to lack of intimacy.

The relationship will always be memorable despite its lack of meaning. In its aftermath, it helped with many things. It led me to finally buy my own vibrator: fitted with ten pulsating speeds and a waterproof technology that really made bathing a worthwhile endeavor. I grew to know what I like; where, when and how. It made me comfortable to have sex with myself and ask subsequent partners to partake in what I most enjoyed. While the sex-ationship was doomed to collapse but in a serendipitous and realistic way, it’s moments were fun and exciting albeit also deeply embarrassing.

“Ok, well either way, rubber or silicone, bring them over here.” Mike responded decidedly.

“So the video said that if I put them in before I eat you out and then sloooowly pull them out as you’re coming, it will intensify your orgasm or something.”

“Will do.” I replied laying my head back onto the pillow, closing my eyes and inhaling deeply. “Here we go,” I thought. The process itself was mediocre, as it usually was. A combination of inconsistent tongue flicks and infantile sucking that seemed more like a series of muscle spasms than anything else. Eventually though, through the powers of pelvic muscle tightening and nipple stimulation, I began to reach my plateau. I bore down into the bed, arched the small of my back and exclaimed hurriedly, “Ok, I’m about to come.”

As the rush of feeling flowed through my lower half, I barely noticed the gentle motion of beads being pulled slowly from within my ass. And then … shit. Literally. I didn’t really smell or see anything but it became evident that female ejaculate was not the only fluid I secreted at that particular moment. Mike pulled away with force but surprisingly his expression was less exasperated then it was after most instances of pussy-eating. He rushed to the bathroom, beads in hand and quickly threw them into the sink. I laid there, paralyzed, and not in the post orgasmic way I usually enjoyed. “Did I just shit on the bed?” I thought to myself in a moment of sheer panic. I sat up suddenly and looked down. Nothing there. Thank god. The last thing I needed in that moment was to resemble a puppy caught in the act of soiling the Persian rug in the living room. Suddenly Mike reappeared.

“Well, I’ve got to go to work.”

“That didn’t turn out very well did it?”

He smiled. “Could have been better.” He kissed me on the forehead. “Might want to let those soak for a little while.”

I smiled back meekly, feeling my cheeks redden like I was in a Charlie Brown cartoon.

After he headed out, I drudgingly walked into the bathroom. Still unaware of whether I had excreted shit on the beads, I tossed them into the trash. They really didn’t intensify my orgasm anyway.

SimplySxy welcomes articles written by our readers on any topic of their choice. Each submission is edited and published the same as from any of our Sexperts and Contributors.

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June 11, 2014
Getaway Sex

It’s 1 a.m. I lay beside a sleeping man, my boyfriend. He’s sprawled out on his back, deep in slumber.

I’m horny.

Now maybe normally, if we were at home, I’d just make myself go to sleep. We’d both have long days to face ahead of us—him, with his work running a hostel and me with mine of teaching English to elementary kids. We’d need our energy, which means we’d need our sleep.

But this isn’t normally. We’re on day two of a four-day holiday, and that means we can use our energy and how we choose to. Either tomorrow … or tonight.

So I start to give him head.

I remember years ago, a boyfriend I had asked me why I never woke him up for sex. The thought had genuinely never occurred to me before, and while I could see where he was coming from, I didn’t see its appeal.

“I wouldn’t want him waking me up for sex,” I thought. So I just did what I do in those situations and agreed with him while simultaneously shoving that in the “things I’ll never do” mental file.

But tonight, some nine years later, I pick up that thought and move it to my “good ideas” file. Yes, this is excellent. And I can tell by the way he’s moving under me that he agrees.

I haven’t had a lot of serious boyfriends in my life and over the years, I’ve become really stingy with how I spend my time. I often make it a priority to share any special moments (like holidays, birthdays, or trips), with friends and not guys I’m seeing so that later, those memories are about times I spent with friends—not about how Johnny X came/didn’t come through.

So this is the first time in years and years that I’m spending a getaway with a boyfriend. I was apprehensive at first—I know travelling with a significant other can sometimes result in Richter-scale level fights, and I just assumed those fights would find me and him.

But this trip has been nothing like that. Instead, getting away and getting out of the context of our normal lives has shown me how well we reinforce each other. He’s been like my backbone and mind reader this trip. We travelled to Samcheok, a beach in Korea 3 hours east of Seoul, with 2 other couples, and he and I have never been more in tune. When someone suggests something we’re not into, we only need to look at each other—and then he speaks up.

These are my friends, so he’s agreed to take the loss and be the disagreeable one so I can keep the group harmony (and I didn’t even have to ask).

And we spend the entire day with him whispering in my ear “I want to fuck you right now,” which means that the sex on our trip has been some of the best sex we’ve had since we first got together.

Going on a mini-vacation together showed me that I picked a partner who is well-suited to me and we flow well as a couple. It not only spiced up our sex, but also reinforced our mental and emotional connection. For couples who are considering traveling together or experiencing a little bit of a lag, I definitely recommend a mini-vacation as a way to spice things up/see your relationship more clearly.

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June 7, 2014
What is ‘Love’ ?

Love. Doesn’t it seem that ‘love’ can have a life of its own? Love seems to change, grow, shrink, dissolve, or even fade away at times. Sometimes it seems to just simply vanish or disappear? Why it that? And why does ‘love’ seem to be so elusive for so many people?

Yes, sadly it is the case that when you first meet that other person who will be (or is supposed to be) the other 50% of your relationship, they usually put up what I call ‘the representative self’. By this, I mean you see the better side of that person … usually. After a while when you get to know them a little better, that mask can come off. Some people of course, have the ‘what you see is what you get’ and if you don’t like it, you can leave any time you like. At least they’re honest right? No false pretenses, no bling bling, no image to maintain, and no representative self.

Ok. Now back to “love”. How many times have we heard, “Yes, but I love him/her!” Or how about, “I am so in love”? On the flip side there’s “I don’t love him/her anymore. I want out of this relationship.”

Whenever I hear anybody talk about ‘love’ in relationships such as marriage, boyfriend/girlfriend etc, I wonder what that person’s actual definition of ‘love’ is? Have you ever wondered that? Have you ever asked yourself that question and given yourself an honest answer? Sometimes, getting the answer involves peeling off some layers of what you are and knowing your likes and dislikes. It also involves knowing your own shortcomings and being honest enough with yourself to acknowledge them. Before any change or changes can be made, one first needs to acknowledge those areas where one can improve upon. Of course, there are those individuals who believe they are perfect and need to change nothing about themselves. My advice is to not get too close to such individuals because nothing is ever their fault.

Take a moment and think about the following. If you were mugged on the streets, would you ‘fall in love’ with that thief? Of course not. Why? Because that person did something that was not pleasant to you. Remember, we like/love those things that please us. In other words, we like/love what fills our wants and needs.

Now this is where it can get a little tricky but it can be much much easier if you go into a relationship knowing your ‘self’, your likes and dislikes, and what your wants and needs are. This can also be applied to all other circumstances in life. It can help you to avoid toxic relationships or to make better career choices, hobbies, special interests, and to create a productive circle of friends.

So once you have established just what you like and dislike for the individual ‘you’, you can begin to lay the foundation of your definition of ‘love’. Hopefully it is not superficial in that you are only focused on what that other person can do for you. A relationship will fail at some point in time if it is all take and no give. And hopefully it is not based upon materialism or helping to prop up an image for yourself. A healthy relationship is made of gives and takes while growing and maturing at the same time.

A very important aspect of a healthy, loving relationship is when one feels great pleasure in doing something for the other. If one simply takes, takes, takes, and offers nothing or next to nothing in return … then I would have to say that that is not ‘love’. That is simply a ‘what can I get out of it?’ and it is built on very shaky ground. Some may even call it usury.

So, is there a universal definition of “love” that can be used as a foundation in relationships? I believe there is. I know my definition and I’d like to hear yours or any comments from you, the readers.

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June 5, 2014
Finding that Perfect Style

Where I live we are slowly moving into summer and as the weather becomes warmer so does the water in the sea and the pools. Women look for new bikinis and bathing suits and the men try on their shorts from last summer, hoping they still fit.

It is that time of year to decide if you are going “Old School” with a big “Bush” or go “Porn” and shave it all. Of course, there are many versions in between so it’s all up to you and what you prefer. If you have a man or a woman in your life you might want to ask them what they like and maybe do some research on the net to see different styles.

Many of us women keep the same style all year around and this is what I want to talk about in this article.

Personally, I prefer a nice “landing strip”, nice and short. I’ve shaved it all off a few times, but for sme reason I felt uncomfortable, it didn’t look natural. I know some ex-boyfriends of mine were all into the “Porn”. They thought it looked sexy and cool and used a bunch of other adjectives to describe it. I asked them if they would like me to shave them completely clean and their mouths turned into O’s and they slowly backed away. Why not? I would ask and they answered that guys should have hair and other lame excuses. When I asked them why, specifically, they preferred their woman to be shaved, they would laugh and say something about getting less hair in their mouths. I pointed out that women also get hair in our mouths if the guy has a jungle down there, but according to these guys it was not the same thing.

I like a man to have his natural hair where it is supposed to be. Now, don’t take me wrong, pubic hair should be cut short and neat. Some men shave their chests, I don’t like that. If they are not swimmers at Olympic level they don’t need to streamline their bodies. What about hair on the back and shoulders? OK, here I do like to say a visit to a beauty salon or SPA where they do a good wax job would be a good idea.

I believe that with the internet men have become used to seeing women with no hair and they expect their girlfriends and wives to do the same. Let me tell you, apart from waxing, it takes time and dedication to keep it smooth, it is not easy. Having said that, I also like to have my man to take care of himself and don’t leave me with the “Amazon” when I go down on him.

I’ll keep my landing strip and hopefully some nice 747 or Airbus will come in for a landing one of these days.

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May 20, 2014
Cuckold Relationships
As a couple gets comfortable with a cuckold lifestyle their sexual attitudes and activities often change.

For the woman there is often a sense that sexual pleasure is something she has a right to enjoy. The woman’s sense of sexual entitlement sometimes leads into her increasingly dominating her cuckold. In contrast, the cuckold may feel sexual pleasure for him is secondary or something he has to earn. The ways and type of sexual pleasures a cuckold earns is generally left to the woman.

Some women may enjoy limiting the frequency or type of sexual pleasure that their cuckold has – some examples of this might be;
- The cuckold must wear a condom when he is allowed to have sex with the woman even though she doesn’t use one with her other partner.
- The cuckold is not allowed to ejaculate inside the woman as this privilege is reserved for her boyfriend/lover. This rule is sometimes combined with the condom one so that the cuckold must stop having coitus before he ejaculates, withdraw and finish by masturbating while wearing the condom.
- The woman no longer gives the cuckold oral sex even though she gives it freely to her lover and the cuckold must provide it to her whenever she wants.
- The cuckold is restricted from having any regular sex with the woman.
Many men find that their feelings of sexual arousal become heightened after becoming a cuckold. Similarly their interest in sex becomes much more focused on their partner’s activities and pleasure.

Over time the woman might find a regular boyfriend/lover whom they share a bond with. At the same time, the cuckold may find ways of pleasing his lady apart from regular, penetrative sex. For example, some cuckolds learn to give their lady a great massage or pedicure. While the cuckolds have less traditional sex they sometimes learn to derive emotional pleasure from doing other sexual or non-sexual things for their wives/girlfriends.

Some women may find that they enjoy having several boyfriend or lovers while others only want one extra partner at a time.

One issue some women experience is that their boyfriend/lover wants to them leave or divorce themselves from their cuckold. In these cases, the women often end the relationship. To avoid this problem, it is best for the woman to make her status and intentions clear at the outset. Some women actually seek out boyfriends/lovers who are married since they are much less likely to become demanding because they need to keep their activities secret.

Other changes in the couples relationship might include:
- The woman taking trips and vacations with her lover. These might be trips where the lover accompanies the woman and cuckold. For others, it usually means the woman goes off with her lover leaving her cuckold at home – usually to do chores.
- At times, the cuckold might be required to seek out new potential boyfriends or lovers for the woman.
- The cuckold sometimes chauffeurs the woman and her lover on a special date.
Steve O: Emotional Responses in Cuckold Relationships

Read Steve’s latest article on Cuckoldry & Pornography on SimplySxy.com!

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April 24, 2014
INFOGRAPHIC: Most Luxurious Lingerie In The World

Infographic courtesy of Sheer Luxury Lingerie. Check out their range here at http://www.sheerluxurylingerie.com/

April 22, 2014
The Morning After Sex
Was it good for you? That should be the first question that comes to mind after a night of sex with a new partner. You can rate it 1-10 if you like, but you may find the feelings are more like “Hell Yeah!” you don’t want it to end, or what the hell was I thinking? Or how drunk was I? Or worse, I thought that was going to be good sex. Let’s look at what to do before and after:

Hell Yeah, that was great and I hope we can do it again soon. Well then do. Touch your partner again and let new sparks fly with the lights on, I bet it will be even better. Either way, pull out another condom or the first one if you forgot last night and smile. Don’t be afraid to make the first move now, I think you’ve successfully made a home run and you can go up to bat again, unless of course there is work or school responsibilities which either of you have to get too. If so, tell your partner you would love to do it again if it’s true, but you gotta go. Elayne Boosler does a comedy routine about a female walking home from an all nighter in her skimpy black dress in the morning that’s pretty funny to have in your head while you make your exit. Accept that your partner may have to run or may not feel the same about the night. If so, be gracious say thanks for the good time you had and leave. Don’t lie with an ‘I’ll call you’, just don’t.

How drunk was I? Alcohol, weed or other drugs helps you drop your guard and your judgement. Or as my Mom would say, ‘you loose your good sense along with your drawers (panties)’. You may be drunk but there is no reason to take stupid risks. Use your drunkness to help you relax and get past your fears of trying something or someone new, asking the Tough Questions and learning more about your partner. The downside of not asking are quite serious so let’s look at the way to make them opportunities:
- Did you talk about safe sex? Use your uninhibited boldness for good and blurt it out: ‘Are you disease free?’ or ‘Is there something I should know about sex with you?’
- Did you use protection? Again, automatic behaviours like pulling out the condoms or dental dam from your purse or pocket makes it clear that you play safe.
- What’s in it for me? My husband taught me this one, that if you don’t ask, you don’t get. So if the kissing is good and you are feeling the heat of passion, whisper in the ear that sexual move that really rocks your boat and guarantees a happy ending for you. Then ask what they like as well.
- Where we going? This is a toughie when you are young and living at home. If it’s his place, you gotta have a back up plan. Back in the 80’s when I started, stumbling into a guys trashy apartment was such a turn off, I was afraid to turn on the lights. And when morning came I was so grossed out that I left right away. But if either of your places is out of the question, the back of a car option will have to do. It’s a classic place if you have a car, and then you only have to worry about location. Keep a pillow, blanket, condom, and tissues for clean up at all times in the car please! Stay in the parking lot with the other night partiers is better than driving off to some place darker and quieter where the cops or burglars may interrupt you.
I thought this was going to be good sex. But instead it was like flopping around with a dying or dead fish. Good sex is a skill that takes practice. Nobody starts off as a great lover, so going slow and enjoying the steps of building passion is the best advise I can give you for knowing what you like and learning what your partner likes. Good sex in my bed means both partners had an orgasm inducing experience. And if you didn’t orgasm and your partner did and fell asleep right away, that makes for a long uncomfortable night of not sleeping and getting mad when they start to snore. So let’s go back and analyse this one:

1. If you can ask for a drink, you can ask for an orgasm. Remember what my husband said, you gotta ask for what you want. I know by now you can order off a menu, so you also need to ask for the experience you want to have. You have a fantasy about what great sex will be like, so share your fantasy. Whisper it in your partners ear prior to removing clothes so it gives them time to think and plan better or ask you for details. Communication is Sexy. Anyway you say it, shy, bold, flirty is adding the instructions to create a good experience.

2. No two bodies are alike. Your erogenous zones are not like the others. Again, you wouldn’t know if you don’t ask. Play the game, ‘how does this feel?’ Try something, get a response and then say ‘your turn’. This gets you in the practice of exploring the right direction instead of wasting time irritating your partner with the wrong stroke, while they are silently hoping you’ll change positions or move to something else.

3. Don’t stop talking now. Speak up once you get into bed. “Stay here”, “move to the left”, “sit back a little”, “touch me back please”. All these key phrases go a long way in getting a mutually satisfying experience. I think the biggest mistake couples make is that they stop talking when they get in bed together. You can’t go into automatic pilot now, you both have to steer to get where you want to go.

4. If you are with a dead fish, pause for a moment and ask if they are comfortable and where they would like to be touched or what would feel good for them. They may not know so play the ‘how does this feel game’ and get the communication going. If you are with a flopping fish ask them to lay back and let you play a little more. It’s your way of taking the lead and taking the pressure off your partner’s urgency to get there orgasm.

Remember, your first priority is YOU. Your satisfaction, health, respect, feelings. That will take communicating with your partner on how to get there and in turn, you both learn how to take care of yourself. That way they don’t have to wish they read this article because you’ve just trained them.

The Tough Questions – Pregnancy, STD’s, Marks, Bruises or Pain. These are all serious morning-after questions and you can avoid most of them if you communicate before hand. Informed consent is the responsibility of both partners. Making the decision to have sex is something you do before, as it saves on the regrets later.

Will they call again? Maybe, but the question for you is ‘was the experience worth repeating?’ Did you want more just like it was or did you hope to improve it next time? Look at the experience as a one time event and judge whether you would do it again based on what you know now. If you liked it, be thankful and the opportunity for it repeating will come again. If not, focus on what shifts you need to make to get the experience you want. You want to repeat the fun experiences, not the bad ones so learn from them and make it the best sex ever!

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April 20, 2014
Try the New Compersion: Jealousy Be Gone!

Tired of those nagging jealous emotions you can’t seem to shed?

Ready for a new emotion? Then try the new and improved, emotional response called “compersion”. It’s so new it’s not even in the Internet dictionary yet.

So why am I jealous? As a poly believing, free love kind of Leather-woman, I practice and teach adults to explore their kink, fetish, or other expressions of expanded sexuality and loving. But that green monster can ruin a hot dungeon scene every time.

Jealousy has caused many of my relationships to crash and burn. I honestly don’t know when love changes to possessiveness, but it does. After one ex-boyfriend decided to date my room-mate, my response moved into violent attack mode. Thank goodness the internal rage also temporarily blinded me, so all I could literally see was red, and I was frozen in my tracks. That gave me time to think, calm down, walk away, and find a new place to live.

I would prefer another emotion than the one that beats up my heart and mind like a bronchitis attack. Jealousy has a way of kidnapping my time and energy in directions I don’t want to go. I recall the rush of unpleasant emotions that made my stomach knot up, my hand forming a fist, words spewing forth I would regret — all part of the cycle I wanted to break. But how could I break free of the green stain?

With the divorce rate in America comfortably above 50%, partnering for life is no longer the norm. I needed another emotion that could keep up with our societal change. At a polyamory meetup, I was introduced to the word: compersion, the antithesis to jealousy. Here’s the Wiki on compersion:

“Compersion is a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual’s current or former romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest. This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion.”

Nice concept, but the million-dollar question is, how can I be happy when MY old lover is loving someone else? Then I remembered the C.S. Lewis book, The Four Types of Love. Lewis defined the following types of love: Agape, Philia, Eros, and Storge. I’ve paraphrased his concepts:

Agape is the spiritual love you have that comes from your beliefs. Philia is the bond of friendship.  Eros is the emotional intimacy we share in a relationship. (Venus is described as the “Fifth Love” and is the passion and energy of sexual exchange, its trademark being a temporary state of experience, like orgasm and infatuation.)

There is another more powerful love that helps to explain the ability to convert jealousy into compersion:

Storge is the familial love of parent to child. Storge can be more powerful than all the others combined. It’s the type of love that gives a parent superhuman strength to lift a car to save a child’s life.

Compersion suggests that if we can adjust our thinking, heal our emotions, we can celebrate our partner, lover, spouse, or ex’s happiness in another relationship. We can replace jealousy with joy.

You also receive extra feelings of contentment and maturity with every use of compersion. Like when your child goes off to school for the first time or the last, (hopefully) away to college. There is pride of being a part of making that success happen. And I like being a part of someone’s success.

Jealousy can hold me in this knee jerk reaction of anger, hurt, and then retribution. By reminding myself that the experience has passed, I can change my thoughts. If that doesn’t work, then I remember why the relationship needed to end in the first place and my head clears, fist relaxes and I can look for the good of this new coupling and let the joy of compersion build in me.

Now have I done it? Not every time, but I’m working on it. It’s not like one day you wake up compersed. It’s the art of letting go of past anger that takes time and practice. And when I have a surge of emotions that race up to my brain and fist at the same time, I acknowledge the emotion and look at it. I then look at where I want my emotions to be and go there. No need to replay the old tapes. My heart calms, pulse slows, teeth unclench, and I can think without anger. I take a deep breath, let compersion in, and make a choice to celebrate my (ex) lover’s new relationship and wish them well. It’s that simple and that difficult. But the end result is my joy and happiness and I’m definitely worth the effort.

Cover image courtesy of Shutterstock

April 16, 2014