Tag: Women

The elusive orgasm

Women’s orgasm are very different to those of men, and have been a mystery to men and women alike.

Tantric massage is not supposed to concentrate on genital orgasm, but on experiencing the powerful feelings of energy and bliss which circulate in the body,accompanying sensual arousal, and which can lead to total body orgasm.

However, today in the age of communication, more and more books and articles are being written about various aspects of the female orgasm.

Below we describe 3 different ways of helping women to achieve orgasm – the traditional way – via a new app -and a new medical invention.

Does this sound familiar:
MAN: Finally gets to go downtown and fumbles to get his hand where it counts.
MAN: Starts random up-and-down or circular motion, hoping to God he can hit the spot and not be surprised.
WOMAN: Moans and man thinks he’s doing well. WOMAN: Stops moaning.
MAN: Shifts technique or goes into overdrive, and woman asks him to slow down.
MAN: Slows down. Five seconds of mild positive response later, nothing.
MAN: Feels like a dog trying to open a door with no thumbs.
WOMAN: Gently stops his increasingly erratic attack after 10 minutes.

Best case scenario, they move on to something the man can understand – penis in vagina.

Most men admit they’re not fans of asking for directions. But they’ll happily read a manual – especially one that tells them how to make you orgasm in a new way. US author Timothy Ferris has come up with a book called ‘The Four Hour Body’ where he explains his ‘One Taste Method’.

This technique requires 15 minutes of 100 per cent concentration on approximately three square millimetres of contact. Nothing more. Test this and practise it with your partner. Apparently,the pay-off will alter your sexual experience forever.

NO PRESSURE Remind each other that this is a goal-less practice. There is no objective, just a focus on a single point of contact. This should remove all expectations and pressure. He is going to touch you for 15 minutes. You don’t need to do anything. The only focus should be on the short stroke just as the emphasis would be on the breath in most forms of meditation. View it as an exercise in mindful awareness. And the more you focus, the greater your satisfaction.

ASSUME THE POSITION

Its time to get naked. Lie on your back and bend and move your legs apart.

1 – Separate the labia.
2 - Gently retract the clitoral hood upwards with the heel of his palm.
3 - Anchor the clitoris with his right thumb by holding the hood back.
4 - Get him to put his left hand under your bum, with two fingers under each cheek, and his thumb resting on, not in, the base of the entrance to the vagina. Doing this acts as an anchor and help you feel more relaxed.

Now comes the important part: finding the “upper quadrant” of your clitoris, which is a tiny area crammed with thousands of nerve endings. Tell your partner to imagine he’s looking directly at your clitoris from between your legs, with the top of the clitoris as 12 on a clock face. Get him to find one o’clock – ideally a small indentation or pocket between the hood and your clitoris – with his index finger and begin stroking using the lightest touch possible and only 1.5mm or so of movement. The tip of his finger is better than the pad. Have him stroke at a constant speed for periods of two to three minutes – it’s OK to change speed between periods.

5 - Once 15 minutes are up, end with “grounding”. easing you out of the experience, which conveniently avoids fixation on having a full-blown orgasm as closure. Get him to put pressure down on your pubic bone and up towards your head, using overlapping hands. You dictate the pressure. Most women find the strongest pressure the most pleasurable. You may find you want to have sex now.

http://www.womenshealthmag.co.uk/sex-love/sex-tips/227/your-15-minute-orgasm/

For more articles by Eva Evan, read her bio below and visit www.tantricmassagelondon.com to find out more.

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All other images courtesy of Eva Evan
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April 13, 2015
Genideals: Perceptions of Women’s Ideal Genitals and Reconstructive Surgery

What does the term “Designer Vagina” mean to you?
No, no, it’s not the new up-and-coming punk rock band, good try though!

It is actually a newly coined term used to describe the “ever-so-popular surgically manipulated vagina.” That’s right, in recent years, female genital reconstructive surgery has become an increasingly popular trend. In fact, vaginal cosmetic surgery is one of the fastest-growing cosmetic procedures in the western world. As if that is not CRAZY enough, plastic surgeons attest that the vast majority of their patients are physiologically normal, with nearly all of them presenting with your average, everyday genitals. In other words, women with medical concerns relating to their genitals are often not the ones seeking genital reconstruction, it is women with healthy, well-functioning, “run of the mill vaginas.”

So, why are so many physiologically healthy/normal women seeking vaginal cosmetic surgery? Well, it is likely because women are comparing their genitals to an “ideal vagina.” But where are these notions of “ideal vaginas” coming from? Anecdotal evidence suggests that the media may play a large role in women’s perceptions of their genitals. For example, with the recent, rapid, and widespread uptake of new technologies in the past decade (the internet in particular), sexually explicit material is more accessible than ever and young women are seeing other women’s genitals (particularly porn stars) more frequently and in more detail than previous generations. Consequently, women are likely “sizing themselves up” to women in the adult film industry, which is often an unattainable ideal.

What exactly are these young women having done to their nether-regions? Well, for the most part, it seems as though it is the opposite of breast augmentation. In terms of women’s vaginas, less is more: smaller labias, less pubic hair, shrunken clitoral hoods, etc. In particular, there are two main surgeries performed currently, labiaplasty and vaginoplasty. Labiaplasties are designed to decrease the size of women’s labia through snipping and sculpting. Vaginoplasty, on the other hand, allows women to tighten and decrease the size of their vaginal opening.

Women’s dissatisfaction with their genitals is problematic because these insecurities can lead to a variety of negative consequences. For example, research suggests that women who report being satisfied with their genitals are more likely to feel comfortable undressing in front of their partner, have sex with the lights on, and initiate new sexual activities as compared to those who are not satisfied with their genitals (Ackard, Kearney-Cooke, & Peterson, 2000).

Although genital reconstruction may lead to greater genital satisfaction, this is likely not the appropriate plan of action to take. In fact, there are a variety of side effects accompanying vaginal surgeries (e.g., the loss of sensitivity or painful stimulation) that present too large a risk for an unnecessary surgery. As a society, we need to target these “vaginal ideals” in the media and change the way people view them. In addition, we need to change the discourse around discussing genital self-image and include genital self-image as a part of our sexual education.

In sum, vaginal reconstruction may be avoided by targeting the larger issue at hand: genital portrayal in the media and openness surrounding genital self-image. Further, women suffering from genital dissatisfaction may actually be struggling with self-esteem concerns and should be treated accordingly (i.e., counseling/therapy). So, if you really feel as though vaginal reconstructive surgery is the right choice for you, I want you to think: do you REALLY think the answer to your problems can be solved with the simple slice of a scalpel?

**This article does not pertain to those who have medical concerns relating to their genitals that necessitate vaginal surgery. This article refers to women interested in vaginal surgery due to esthetics, insecurities, and dissatisfaction with appearance.**

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February 19, 2015
The Prospect of Beauty

The Prospect of Beauty was the theme for Singapore Writers Festival 2014. The ten day event was filled with a showcase of amazing international and local writers. Hidden among the varied panel events were gems of stories of established writers dealing with sex and sexuality in their works. One such gem was conversions that revolved around India’s social construct.

In the panel on Writing for the Global Audience, Ira Trivedi talked about her new book India in Love. The book tackles issues on marriage and sexuality in India. During the panel, she read a passage on sexuality. The reading recounts a sting operation on sex workers. In India, prostitution is legal. However those in the trade still fear of being caught as brothels and pimping are illegal. This fear coupled with the stigma of being a women, Ira describes how asking for sex service raises many red flags. She was turned down harshly by many “massage services”. Finally after several unsuccessful attempts, she was able to engage with one. Ira had to bring her husband along during the operation so as to disperse further suspicion.

Stories about the sex trade always draws attention. Many want a glimpse of this underground universe. However, there is a lack of open dialog for such taboo topics. In India, even a basic conversion of the birds and the bees is shunned upon. Ira mentions how her previous novel, What would you do to Save the World?, a story about beauty pageants had more male readership then female as the male audience genuinely wanted to know what women are thinking.

This issue on the lack of conversion was reinforced by Adeline Foo’s experience with expending into the India market. The writer of the popular children’s book The Diary of Amos Lee recounts that during her expansion process, the publisher requested that she remove all content that deal with sex and sexuality. This is because any open conversion will not be well received by the conservative country. They did not want a book that could resonate with many to start off on the wrong foot.

Another interesting disagreement which Adeline had with the topic on sex and sexuality was that when she received complaints that her character Amos Lee wrote about spiders mating ritual in his diary. These complaints were from concerned Singaporean parents. Coincidentally, Adeline’s motivation came about after a friend’s 14 year old son was caught watching porn. Adeline wanted to create a platform to introduction the topic of sex to her own children. During her research, she found that spiders’ mating rituals are very similar to humans. Unfortunately, due to the lack of wisdom from some parents to leverage on such a controlled environment, the passage has been taken out from future reprints of the book. Where is the middle ground for open dialog and education on sex and sexuality?

In a panel on Asian Feminism, Leena Manimekalai a filmmaker, poet and actor mentioned that there is a paradox in India’s social construct. India may be the few countries which have had a female prime minister but position does not mean power. Its patriarchal society renders any opportunity for women to be only skin deep. Burdened by the shame of its caste system, India has a long way to go towards gender equality. Leena’s graphic description on the state in India still disturbs me. It is still ringing in my ear.

When there is religious unrest, women are raped. When there is political unrest, women are raped. When there is any form of conflict, women are raped. Women are told to come home before dark so that they can be safe in their homes. But in their homes, their fathers and uncles will crawl into their beds and violate them.

We have not passed the point of victim blaming. Hence, there is a great void for the discussion for sex and sexuality, a need to promote healthy sexual relationship and the need to promote healthy gender and sexual identity. Only then can we see the true prospect of beauty.

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December 8, 2014
7 Quick Tips on How to treat Women on a Date

Gabriel Lamur, the best quality escort Companion for women, Sydney, interstate and worldwide, shares 7 quick tips on how to treat a woman on a date.

1. Before you start thinking about the actual appointment, you need to understand exactly what you want from the girl and what she wants from you.

2. Do not let her wait for you at the first date.

3. Be polite

4. Be a gentleman

5. Be a good conversationalist as well as a good listener

6. Compliment her

7. Be self-confident and mature, offering a single rose on arrival followed by a compliment to the lady. I have a good connection with women and to me they all beautiful.

Interested in finding out more about Gabriel? Visit his website at http://themalecompanion4woman.com or follow him on twitter @Gabrielescortau

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November 23, 2014
Is Female Masturbation Still Considered a Taboo?

I’m generally not one for women’s magazines, but I recently took a holiday which, from my home in Krakow, involved a 15-hour journey, split over two consecutive days. Preferring something light to read when I go away, I bought the October issue of Glamour magazine, primarily because there was an article on ’10 new things to do in bed’. (As an erotica writer, new ideas are always welcome.) On the first leg of my journey, I read an intriguing article by Jenny Mollen about masturbation, specifically about how it is still considered taboo to admit to masturbating, and that we need to shake off the shackles and be more open about the fact that we do do it.

I’m not sure how far I agree with Mollen. A couple of points she makes in the article are definitely true. For example, she mentions that if a man admits to masturbating six times a day, this is considered normal whereas if a woman declared the same thing she would be thought of as weird. This, I completely agree with: for some reason it’s still widely accepted that men have larger sexual appetites than women and that they have a harder time controlling them, despite evidence to the contrary.

Mollen also says that women don’t talk about masturbation with their friends. They may talk about owning vibrators, but won’t go into specific details. I agree with her on this point too. But do we need to go into specifics? I’m not a prude, I’m very comfortable talking about sex and, if anyone asks, I’m very open about masturbating. But that doesn’t mean everyone is that comfortable and it definitely doesn’t mean they need a blow-by-blow account of my masturbatory sessions, the same way they don’t need details about other aspects of my life; my periods, for example. If it was a partner, that would be different: I would most definitely go into detail then. But there is a time and a place for that kind of conversation and it’s not down the pub, saying to your mates ‘I had a cracking wank this morning.’

As for the whole reason for the article, I’m not sure how much of a taboo it really is anymore. Admittedly (as I said before) it’s still more socially acceptable for men to admit to solo play than women and there will always be those so prudish or so embarrassed about the topic that they’d rather scoff and criticise than just admit that they too masturbate (if you’re one of those people who says they don’t do it, I have one thing to say to you—you’re lying. Either that or a nun.) But generally speaking I think—especially with the rise in popularity of sex toys—female masturbation is really a non-issue. I’ve certainly never encountered any dodgy looks or snide remarks when talking about the subject.

Mollen makes one excellent point: masturbation is not talked about in sex education. We learn about the mechanics, we learn about contraception, we learn about saying no until we’re ready. But no mention of masturbation. Mollen believes talking about it will break down whatever barriers there are; I also think it’s a necessary part of sex education. How is someone supposed to pleasure you if you don’t know what you like in the first place?

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November 15, 2014
Sizzling Sexy Showtime!

I guess, you sexy ladies were all inspired by the latest lingerie trends I wrote about earlier in June and I believe you have already bought some new nice stuff to present to your sweetheart. But have you also thought about a private showtime event at home? Have you ever surprised your man with a striptease or a burlesque dance? In fact this is nothing to be frightened of if you feel comfortable dancing. It is just dancing in a very seductive way while slowly undressing yourself. Here’s a guide on getting yourself prepared:

Chose the right outfit. You will need a few layers to take them off little by little. So what would you like to wear on top of your lingerie? It must make you feel sexy and also it should be easy to be taken off. Perhaps, start simple with a skirt and a blouse (Extra benefit: A blouse has buttons (…!!), You will look very tempting while taking your time to button down once at a time. Remember, a good striptease should be slow and sensuous, one that involves delaying tactics to keep the suspense.

You like role plays? Then you could also go for a naughty French Maid or Nurse custom!

Choose your lingerie. Easy task. Pick your favorite items: Your new seductive bra with the matching brief plus the absolute must-have for a perfect striptease: the garter belt and stockings. Ensure that everything fits well and makes you feel sexy and confident. Got your outfit? Great! Next, just add some killer high heels, put on perfume and nice make-up, consider false eyelashes and give your hair a seductive out of bed look.

Setting up your stage. Choose the music you like, take care in choosing a seductive lighting and add a chair or small table to support your sexy moves.

Attitude. You are the hot seductive star of the night, feel confident and sensual, do not laugh or blush, Be playful, move slowly. Keep eye contact and show your best seductive smile and enjoy yourself while doing so!

Striptease is all about teasing and desire. Create suggestive promises. Make him want you so much by touching yourself and sending him secret messages with your eyes. Make him crazy while he can just watch and is not allowed to touch you (…yet)!

Practice your choreography. Move your body, hips up and down, move around, touch yourself, your face, your hair, your body, bend forward and show your cleavage, use the chair to play with (maybe sit in the chair and open your legs for a short Sharon Stone moment), but all in a very SLOW and seductive way. Take your time seducing him.

To undress. Turn away from your man, take off clothes, turn around, holding the garment in your hand and then throw it gently in your partner´s direction. When you are just wearing bra and underpants, make sure you are still wearing your high heels to keep a sexy body tension. Take of the bra now and then the knickers but cover your private parts with your hands at first and then take them away while turning to your man and give him your most seductive smile. Walk around naked in your high heels. Let him see how beautiful you are!

How would that feel? If you still feel a bit shy, try SKYPE and send him to the next room. Increase the excitement by allowing him to give you some instructions online.

Okay, ready now? Then let the music play! And if you don´t like dancing, try sending sexy selfies in seductive poses wearing your new lingerie! You will be surprised about the results! And if you feel confident, send us your best snapshorts here: abcd@abcd.com

Jutta Teschner BA (Hons) | Design and Managing Director | fishbelly

fishbelly is located at 45, Hollywood Road 1/F, Soho/Central, Hong Kong. For more enquiries, contact fishbelly at Tel. (+852) 5111 9877, mail@fishbelly-lingerie.com or visit their website at http://www.fishbelly-lingerie.com/

Images courtesy of Jutta Teschner
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November 5, 2014
My Approach to Building an Amazing Dating Life

Hey guys. I’m Colin, and I’m here to help you guys with your dating and social lives. From here on out, I’ll have a question and answer column, where you can ask whatever you like, and I’ll attempt to give you useful solutions.

These solutions might be in terms of what you can do next and what are the next series of steps you can take. But more importantly, it is about how you can structure your own learning and development, and what tools and techniques you can use to fly though that learning structure.

In most cases, what we discuss will be applicable to your entire social life and often, even more than that. A lot of skills and understanding involved in improving your dating life are transferrable between many other areas in life. Conversation skills, for example, are of utmost importance when it comes to dating and are also extremely important in business and work.

I am predominantly a helper of men but if you are a woman, please don’t let that deter you from asking questions. Also, questions from those who already are in relationships are also welcome. With that, lets get started. Today, being the first post, I’ll just give you guys a quick run-down of the approach that I espouse to having the kind of social and dating life that many men dream of.

After that, please feel free to ask away!

My Approach to Building an Amazing Dating Life

There are many ways to improve your dating life. You could learn how to approach and interact with women. You could start by practising conversational skills. You could also get the ball rolling by working on your physical appearance such as joining a gym for example.

In my experience however, the best approach to take hands down, is a holistic one; a top-down approach.

1) The Holistic Approach

You need to start from the top and work down. This usually means that the quest for change starts with yourself.

When it comes to dating, attraction is really the gateway to a deeper and more fruitful relationship with a person. So really, the main aim for any man or woman, intent on creating a enviable dating life, is to start with the creation of value.

People with value are attractive. Yes, value can be subjective, what one woman looks for in a man, may be different from what another does. But, without citing scientific research, I think we can all agree that women in general, are attracted to very similar things. Think in terms of movie stars, prominent businessmen and other high-status males.

Its really simple. If you want to be competitive in the world of dating and given that you acknowledge that women are attracted to certain types of high-value men, than you need to create value. Think in terms of a commodity and that commodity is you. If you have a valuable product, no one can take that away from you and you will always do decently well in the realm of dating.

2) Building your Knowledge Base

Understanding, really is the cornerstone of being great at just about anything. If you want to have an amazing social life, full of beautiful women or good-looking men, than it is your business to understand.

At least at a basic level, men need to understand women, and women need to understand men. Drawing parallels to the world of business and sales—you should always know who you are selling to !

Here are some simple questions you can ask yourself:

Do you know what women want ?
(In a very general sense, you should have some idea)

Do you know how to further develop yourself from whatever you are presently?
(You need to have a basic game plan)

Do you understand more technical things like why the girl you were talking to at the bar got pulled away all of a sudden by her friend ?
(Understanding social dynamics is the key)

There are countless gaps in people’s knowledge base, that once filled, makes things so much easier. So I will attempt to be as informative as possible. You should also work in your spare time at filling in those gaps (if you aren’t too updated on social related knowledge).

3) Winning the War, NOT just the Battle

If you are one of those guys who have decided to improve their dating lives by buying a book titled “How to Pick-Up Women”, or something similar, I totally understand where you are coming from. However, it isn’t necessarily the best way to go about things.

And this is really in line with what I’ve been talking about with regards to the holistic approach. You see one of the problems with learning some quick “tricks” or techniques and going out to practise them, is that they often won’t work. This is becaus it often isn’t just what you say, or what you do that matters, but how you say it, how you do it, and a host of other things that women are very apt at picking up on. I’m talking about micro-expressions, subtle twitches, a mild quiver in your voice.

Things that can be changed, but not in the most intuitive way. You see, you can try to change that anxious look that you give, or the slight quiver in your voice that gives away that you are secretly pissing yourself. But at some point, it becomes a very fruitless endeavour. The amount of improvement you get from micro-managing these things that make the difference between a second-date and an outright rejection, is often not at all commensurate to the amount of effort you put in.

A macro approach is my opinion, is how you can get the biggest bang for your buck. Focus on developing a lifestyle, becoming a more confident person, and all those nervous ticks, all those micro-movements will correct themselves. At some point, they start to convert to micro-movements and subtle body-language that becomes a boon to your presence.

Even if you do successfully pull off a few successful attempts at picking-up women, it frames you in a way where you are making a woman too much of a prize in the long run. It puts you in a very needy state of mind. Being a prowler, traversing the streets and shopping centres trying to pick-up woman is in general, not a good way to see yourself if you want to build confidence and pride in your own value.

Its all about not missing the forest for the trees. That means sacrificing little wins for big victories. Build your worth and then realise it before talking about cold-approaching skills or other more micro endeavours.

Parting Note

So there you have it. As quick a summary as I could get about the approach you should take to really bringing your dating life to the stratosphere. I think this post may be a bit lengthy for some, but you know, like most people I have a pretty short attention span. But what I hate more than taking time to learn or understand something, is not having any way to learn, understand, and ultimately improve.

If you have a sub-par dating life, if you’re life isn’t full of amazing women and is not satisfying you, YOU CAN IMPROVE IT. And, you can do it now. So keep heart, read and re-read this post, and start reaching out. Connect with me, ask, ask and ask some more. Fire away !

Colin

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October 25, 2014
Emma Watson’s Speech on the F Word

Social media the world over exploded in discussion over one speech on Sept 20. It is none other than Emma Watson‘s HeForShe Speech at the United Nations.

The Speech On Everyone’s Lips

The newly minted UN Goodwill Ambassador for Women, Watson is best known as the actress who played Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter film series. Cast as Hermione at the age of nine, Watson has bloomed into a young lady with more than a pretty face.

Watson’s HeForShe Speech was delivered to a standing ovation at UN Headquarters in New York City. Helping to launch the UN Women campaign HeForShe, Watson called for men to advocate for gender equality. HeForShe is a campaign which hopes to inspire one billion men and boys to help end gender inequality.

Emma Watson as a Feminist

Watson said she knew she was a feminist at age eight when she was called “bossy” (a trait she has attributed to her being a “perfectionist”) whilst boys were not, and at 14 when she was “sexualised by certain elements of the press”. Watson also called feminism “the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities”. She directly addresses the notion that feminism has come to unfortunately stand for man-hating and how this has to stop.

I am one too!

I identify as a feminist. For more than ten years and before I became a sexologist, I have viewed myself as one. Ever since, I understood what the word meant. Read the open letter I wrote back in 2009 during the Aware saga here.

But I know of many women who insist they were not one as if being a feminist was a f-word with a capital F, as if it was dirty and not to be touched with a 10-foot pole.

For a time, I was became the butt of jokes at social gatherings:

“Don’t look at her so demure. She’s a feminist. She volunteers at…”

“Fierce.”

“Chilli padi.”

“Tell me, Martha. Why do you hate men?”

I do not hate men. There was no point explaining, arguing, protesting or defending myself when your audience is actually just jesting for a fight. Instead I ignored them, kept my head down and remained a closet feminist.

I do believe my work as a Sexologist is feminism in action. After all, where is more vital for men and women to feel empowered than in the bedroom? Pleasure is not one vs. another, all give and no receive, all or nothing. Ecstatic experiences are to be had when one, two or more parties involved are comfortable with their own bodies and their sexuality.

As a sexologist, I have had my share of public and can’t-be-bother-to-repeat private insults and attacks because of my work. This is one blog post by a friendly back in 2011.

If only …

If people knew what feminism meant, they would realise they were all for it. As Watson said, feminism was simply about equal rights for women AND men. What is all this “us vs. them” mentality that exists in our society?

Watson’s speech has created a lot of discussion – good and bad. The good: this is a break down of what makes her speech great.

The bad: She has already being objectified. She has received threats to have her nude photos published as a retailation of her speech. It’s a despicable way to cut a person down to size, and violate them below the belt, isn’t it? This has been viewed as an attack of all women. Feminists are rallying around her.

The Impossible as Possible

Change happens one step, one speech, one day at a time.

Each and every one of us can stand tall, and proud, and speak up for equality.

“I decided that I was a feminist. This seemed uncomplicated to me. But my recent research has show me that feminism has become an unpopular word. Women are choosing not to identify as feminists. Apparently, (women’s expressions is) seen as too strong, too aggressive, anti-men, unattractive.

Why has the word become such an unpopular one? I think it is right I am paid the same as my male counterparts. I think it is right that I should make decisions about my own body. I think it is right that women be involved on my behalf in the policies and decisions that affect my life. I think it is right that socially, I am afforded the same respect as men.” – Emma Watson

This was one powerful speech on the F word. Watch it here.

Go Emma!

This article and all associated images have been republished with permission from Dr Martha Tara Lee.
Please visit Dr Martha Tara Lee’s website to view original post and more of Dr Martha’s work.

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September 25, 2014
How Masturbation Saved My Life

I know it sounds like an exaggeration – masturbation saved your life, woo, you know…. But this is actually really how I saw it. This is really how I felt in my core what masturbation did for me.

I didn’t always look the way I look now – with long hair, contact lenses on occasion, and with relatively acne-free complexion with an okay figure.

I started having my first period when I was in Primary 3, so that was then when I was eight, nine – way earlier than all my peers. Nobody was talking about menstruation when I had mine. I developed a lot of acne as result of hormones gone amok and, of course, with little knowledge about nutrition and diet and self care, I developed severe acne. I also needed glasses since I was 6. They were thick geeky looking glasses.

I started to swim as part of my extra curriculum activity (or after-school activities). As a result, I also developed bad hair, and worse skin, because of all that chlorine and hot sun. At that time, I just didn’t know how to protect my skin and neither did my parents. And I was swimming as much as three times a week – sometimes under direct noon sun!

My mom had this idea, “You two (my sister and I) will look cool if you go and perm your hair.” I ended up with wild unmanageable poodle-like hair. It was actually my teacher who asked me infront of the school why I went and got this poodle hair… and it stuck. Because of all the swimming I was doing, I ended up with spilt ends and had to chop the lot off. Mom actually convinced me to do this not once, but twice!

To this day, I am very weary of perming my hair. With baby fat, bad skin, geeky glasses, I became a a prime subject of bullying, called the ugliest girl in school, and was utterly miserable at school. There was one boy – he looks for me after school, and once he actually punched me in the arm. It doesn’t sound like a big deal now but back then, bullying was unheard of, and being punched in the arm by my classmate – somebody I see everyday, a boy no less, whom I considered bigger and stronger – was actually traumatic.

I felt very, very, very, ugly on the inside. My acne problem didn’t go away even all through puberty. Medication from skin doctors alleviated the problem but would return when I stopped treatment. There was no end at sight. I battled acne for a long time. I see now how it’s largely attributed to my diet and the sensitivity of my body.

Now, let’s not even talk about getting male attention. I had a lot of crushes. But no guy would never look twice at me because I looked and felt ugly. When people look at the me now, they ask, “What do you know about body image?” They have no idea where I’ve been! They have no idea how hard it was for me growing up – being called the ugliest girl in school, being punched in the arm, keeping my head down and just not trying to attract any attention whatsoever.

This is why masturbation saved my life. I was still too young to be able to articulate, or get, or have the confidence to seek out a romantic partner. I was eight when I had my first period! Even at 12, I still had baby fat. There were girls in school who at the ripe age of 12 already had boyfriends and I envied them. I suffered from low self-esteem and had my first boyfriend at 19. It was a long-distance relationship and lasted a year.

Masturbation helped me through my teenage angst because when I masturbated, feel-good hormones were released and relieved sexual tension within my body. It helped to balance out my mood swings. It was my private thing that I could return to. It was my sanctuary, and refuge. I knew how to get tension out of my body.

I was worried that because I masturbated, it would inhibit my relations with my future partners. I worried that my clitoris would become numb. I worried that I couldn’t have an orgasm in any other ways. But I didn’t know what I could do about my situation because I didn’t have a partner and couldn’t get one.

I didn’t know this until later on that being able to sexual by myself actually allows me to be more comfortable with my body and go on to being more relaxed when sexual with somebody else. Masturbation helps create neuroconnections between the mind and the body. With strong neuroconnections, it’s actually easier to get orgasms. And even when you masturbate in a particular way, your body is actually much more adaptable to learning how to have orgasms in different ways. Later on, when I became sexual, I was able to attain orgasm relatively easily with other partners.

All through the puberty, I did feel guilt and shame around masturbation even though I was not religious. I felt sad, even pathetic, because I don’t have a partner. While masturbation may bring up sadness if one doesn’t have a partner, I realise now it was better than the alternative – suppressing, repressing and shutting down my sexuality.

Masturbation is not a bad thing. It helps with hormonal balance, cramps, stress and tension. You can choose to express your sexuality by yourself , and learn about your body – even when you don’t have a partner. And even if you have a partner, it’s also okay to continue to learn about your body by expressing your sexuality by yourself.

Let go of your negative feelings around masturbation. Breathe.

This article has been republished with permission from Dr Martha Tara Lee. Please visit Dr Martha Tara Lee’s website to view original post and more of Dr Martha’s work.

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September 24, 2014
3 Secrets to Understanding Women

Women are some of the most complicated creatures on the planet. For a man, women’s level of complexity can be compared to the magical and intricate world of quantum physics: almost nothing follows contemporary logic. Unpredictable as they may be, women are some of the finest creatures, if not the finest creature God has ever made in the entire universe. They are incredibly smart, beautiful, sensitive, and creative, and as much as some men may curse women at times, men can’t live without women. So as part of the male population and admittedly once a clueless being in interacting with the other half of the population, allow me to help lift the veil in the convoluted world of women.

1. The Thrill of the Hunt

Women love to hunt. Society along with all the other conformists would claim that a man should always go after a woman. At a certain stage, this idea is correct, but pop culture thinking might lead someone in the wrong direction. Usually, a man would take the woman of interest out on a fancy date, complete with flowers, gifts, and/or chocolates. Stop right there; this line of thinking will get a man in trouble. What men don’t usually know is that women love to hunt. The thrill of the chase keeps them hooked and intrigued. There’s a reason why women are cat people. Look at a lion pride. The strong, dominant male lion stays under the comfort of the shade while the female are out to hunt. The king of the jungle has never offered food as a gift to any lioness of the pride to get her attention. The same rules apply to men and women.

Sure, a man can take a woman out on a nice date but do not think for once that the date alone will do the trick. What will do the trick is to take the date as an opportunity to stimulate the ravishing lioness inside. Do not show too much interest. Qualify her and let her know that she can be cut off if she doesn’t meet a certain criteria. Take a step back, and never give the ball to her court. Understand that she’s willing to work just like a lioness is willing to stalk and sprint under the heat of the sun for the sustenance of the dominant lion. This is counter-intuitive and may be hard to comprehend at first but with practice, one would certainly understand that women love to hunt.

2. Women are Social Creatures

Women love to talk. People would have you believe that women are only attracted to good-looking and/or wealthy men. Some may even suggest that the aggressive and dominant type will always catch a woman’s eye. Although these statements are true to some extent, a woman will always have a thing for a guy who can handle a good conversation.

Women love to talk. They are interested in all the smallest details of a subject that don’t matter to men. A guy who can stimulate the mind of a woman will always have a special place in her heart because the art of conversation seems to be lost to aggressive, good looking, or wealthy men. As much as men are attracted to and are stimulated by visual cues like a woman’s curvy shape or her pretty face, women love it when their minds are touched, stirred, and challenged.

Currently, the problem is that men usually do not even attempt to hone the art of conversing with the opposite sex. A lot of men talk too much while some talk too little. If a man has no idea how to spark up an opener and maintain a woman’s interest, a surefire way to keep a woman intrigued is to ask questions. In any situation, one can always hold a woman’s attention by asking her questions that are relevant to her experience and interest. Don’t ask mundane and mind-numbing questions like what she does for a living or which school she graduated from. Ask her about her passions, her dreams, her accomplishments, her childhood, her friends, or her relationship with her parents, especially her dad. Chances are, only a few people have cared enough to ask these questions that would reveal a lot about who she is. If asked correctly, a woman would almost always open up to take about these things.

Remember, women love to talk, and they love it if a man would shut up and listen to her speak about her deepest feelings and ideals. After she responds with a short narrative about her passion, ask her what she’s doing to be aligned with her passion. If she’s far from it, challenge her to go back on track. She would definitely love the challenge and will not forget the person who dared her to pursue her dreams. Ask questions, and let her do what she loves: talking.

3. Drama is a Necessity

The last thing that some men need to understand is that women enjoy drama. For them, drama is a part of living, a way of life just as men look at sports or competition an integral aspect of their existence. Although it sometimes drives relationships to the point of no return, drama is a very powerful force that brings women together. A lot of women build friendships and relationships based on drama as much as men would have a set of friends to play a particular sport with.

Unfortunately, some men don’t understand a woman’s need for drama, which seems to be the primary reason why men think women are complicated and difficult to be with. But just as boys settle their differences and express their anger in a fistfight, the same is true for women. After the fight, young boys would usually become friends again and all those emotions that started the fight are long forgotten. In comparison, after a woman gets her emotions off of her system, she’ll go back to that sweet, loving and beautiful human being that she is.

It is important that a man understands not to take a woman’s drama or call for attention seriously. The best thing a man can do in this situation is to let her talk and listen. Allow her to express herself and let her enjoy the process of releasing her emotions. She’ll appreciate the thought which could lead to a favorable outcome later.

Summary

Complicated and unpredictable as they may seem at first, being with women may not be so challenging after learning these three things. Women love to hunt, so let them do the hunting. They also love to talk so ask questions, and let them do the talking. Finally, drama is part of their life so give them the space they need to express their emotions. A woman’s universe can be convoluted from a man’s point of view, but like the stars in the night sky, these tips can be used as guides to have a better perspective of a woman’s world.

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July 26, 2014