SimplySxy

Tag: Sexuality

  • Quick Fix for Sexless Relationships?

    Quick Fix for Sexless Relationships?

    If you’ve experienced how verbose I am about any sexual or relationship topic, you won’t be surprised to hear me respond NO to the above query.  However, there are two basic questions you can ask yourself to start digging at the foundation of a lacklustre sex life:

    1. What does having sex mean to you?
    2. What does not having sex mean to you?

    When I write “mean,” I’m referring to the compelling emotions surrounding these questions.  For example, one woman I presented the first question to exploded, “What does it mean? It means I’m just taking care of my husband like I have to take care of the house, the kids, and my clients at work.”  Yikes.  Lots of underlying resentments. Generally resentments represent needs that aren’t being met.  In this case, she was not feeling nurtured and cared for, and feeling overwhelmed with emotionally managing so many others.

    In another case, I asked a male client in a “sexless” marriage what not having sex meant to him.  He sadly replied that he was unable to have a level of closeness and intimacy he craved, intimacy that made him feel good about himself and connected to his wife.  Having sex with his wife validated his self worth as a man and a loving husband.

    When sex is “missing” in a relationship, just trying to spice up the excitement level rarely addresses the depth of the hurt, resentments, and walls that have built up. Gently pulling back the layers of hurt and disconnect and replacing them with appreciation and vulnerability (with a kick of creativity) is the best “quick fix” I can recommend.

    This article has been republished with permission from our contributing author, Dr. Jennifer Gunsaullus. Please visit Dr. Jenn’s website to view original post and more of Dr. Jenn’s works.

    Image courtesy of Shutterstock

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  • When Erotica Meets The Internet: How Technology Has Changed Pornography

    When Erotica Meets The Internet: How Technology Has Changed Pornography

    The term “pornography” is often a vague way to describe representation of sexual behavior in books, media, art, and movies that evokes sexual stimulation. It has gained the reputation as being naughty, illicit, and has even been condemned by many cultural and religious groups. Another term we often hear is “erotica”, the more acceptable and tolerated version of pornography. The difference between the two is subjective and varies based on where you are and whom you ask. The history of pornography traces back long before we had the Internet and smartphones. It has been around since humans began to communicate through art, literature, and cultural symbols of sexual imagery and erotica. Pornography has been a worldwide phenomenon since the ancient Greek and Romans, Hindus, Japanese, Egyptians and even during the Victorian era in Great Britain.

    The origin of pornography goes as far back as ancient cave drawings depicting sexual and erotic imagery. Different cultures around the world have historical depictions of erotica that can be seen as sacred, religious and artistic and to others, perverse and inappropriate. As technology has advanced, so has the access and distribution of pornography. The invention of the printing press led to a surge of pornographic material to the masses including magazines, newspapers, and picture books.  The Internet launched in 1991 when there were fewer than 90 published adult pornographic magazines. By the year 1997, there were over 900 pornography websites on the web. Current statistics show that there are now 2.5 million pornography websites available on the Internet. People have always been fascinated with sexuality. Sex is everywhere and only a click away using the latest technology, allowing viewers to browse in private, anonymously and without shame.

    The argument in today’s culture is how pornography impacts our sexuality and that technology has changed the landscape of pornographic material. As technology advances, we have more access to pornography and research has yet to conclude if it has a negative impact.  Some believe that pornographic material can actually help alleviate sexual repression and create a sense of sexual enlightenment. Others believe that the widespread access of pornographic material is corruptive, dangerous and leads to sexual addiction, infidelity, and sex crimes. Pornography has been controversial due to religion and politics, which attempt to regulate the impact of sexual material on society by influencing how we think about pornography in regards to our sexual values and beliefs.  The impact of technology is rapidly changing our sex lives. It has changed how we communicate and our sexual behavior. Humans are fascinated by sexual stimuli and pornography has been an outlet for exploration and entertainment. But how has the Internet changed pornography? Technology has been a powerful source of promotion for sexual material and since the birth of the Internet, it has created a fast-growing billion dollar industry that dominates the world wide web.

    The appeal of the Internet is the anonymity, affordability, and accessibility of the content. Other than website history, there is no traceable activity which makes browsing and exploring different aspects of sexuality private.  Pornography is believed to be a dominantly male interest; but growing numbers of women are using the Internet to explore sexual desires. It has become a routine part of culture in both Eastern and Western parts of the world. The average person does not have to interact with others to obtain erotica. Women who were too embarrassed to browse the video section at a local adult store can now search pornography from the comfort of their own home. Popular sites like PornHub provide enough erotic material to satisfy a variety of sexual curiosities. The general rule is, that if you can imagine it, there is most likely pornographic material of the same accessible on the Internet. The vast amount of pornographic material that is available on the Internet brings up the question of how our erotic interests and desires are shaped. Neuroscience, sex research, and Internet data have all looked at the impact of pornography on human desire. We need to understand the origin of sexual interests to see the correlation. There has to be an impulse that activates the search for a fantasy, image, or search term. Our programming for desire is influenced by social stimuli. This programming varies for men and women. It is a known fact that men are more visually stimulated while women are looking for stimulation through emotions. The Internet provides that stimuli whether it be images for men or stories for women. As technology develops further, it caters to the diversity and science of human sexual desire.  Our brains are programmed to sample our cultural environment. This can include messages by parents, teachers, friends, and the media. Our desires are then set according to these social inputs. Since our cultural environment is changing towards online interaction and technology, so are desire programming, sexual interests, and curiosities.

    Pornography fascinates the average person and influences our sexual response and programming for desire. Whether or not there is scientific basis or facts, it will continue to be a topic of social and political protest. For some individuals, it can be a way to engage sexual exploration and an opportunity to become sexually awakened by learning to express oneself as a sexual being and to develop a sense of understanding around sexual values and needs. It can help an individual or couples learn about personal desire and turn-ons by being exposed to different forms of sexual stimuli. Many sex therapists will prescribe pornography or erotica to help clients engage in sexual interests and grow towards sexual awareness. Different types of pornographic material can evoke an emotional response whether be it sexual arousal or disgust. These emotions can help the therapist understand a client’s sexual programming and better provide tools and resources for sexual concerns. The political agenda disagrees with the positive aspects of pornography as a teaching tool and believes that it commercializes sex and causes more corruption, sex crimes, and negative behavior rather than good. There is no conclusion that a simple exposure to online pornography will negatively sexualize our society any more than other forms of media.  Like any form of media, moderation is important and understanding the impact can help reduce impulsivity, compulsivity and out of control sexual behavior. As a society, we must acknowledge that pornography is here to stay and understand how we can create awareness around how technology has changed pornography and how the Internet is changing our sexual relationships.

    Images courtesy of Shutterstock

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  • Uncuffed: An Intro to Kinky Exploration

    Uncuffed: An Intro to Kinky Exploration

    If you are a curious beginner looking to explore the multiple facets of kink with your partner, whether that means buying your first set of handcuffs or acting out an intense fantasy, there are three guidelines to start you off…to get you off.

    Communication with your partner is crucial to having a good kinky time.  If this is your first time expanding your sexuality and testing your comfort zone then there is a lot to talk about with your partner.  It can be a little awkward at first to address these sometimes new and edgy topics, and that’s okay.  You’re allowed to feel a little uncomfortable.  Start out slow when addressing kink with your partner; maybe mention you read an article or an erotic story online about some light bondage and a blindfold and were wondering if your partner would be open to tying you up (or vice versa) with a tie or fuzzy handcuffs and blindfolding you with a scarf.  Sometimes it is easier to begin with small changes to your sexual routine to get more comfortable, before experimenting with more intense changes, like replacing that scarf or fuzzy handcuffs with rope or leather bonds.

    It also can be helpful to give each other a verbal outline of what will happen (at least the first few times) so there are no surprises that your partner may not be expecting or enjoy.  For example, if you are tying your partner up and then blindfolding them, explain to them how and what you will tie them up with, and explain that you can stop at any time if you or your partner becomes uncomfortable.  Talking it out is a great way to reduce any stress or nervousness you or your partner may experience during this new adventure you are embarking on together.

    Consent is also a critical piece of kinky exploration that ties (pun intended) in well with communicating with your partner.  Consent is so important for you and your partner’s sexual experience.  After talking to your partner about wanting to trying that light bondage, or wanting to be blindfolded for a little sensory deprivation if your partner does not want to try those things you need to respect that.  Consensual sex is the best kind of sex, and if your partner feels obligated or bullied into trying these kinds of things, it likely will not be enjoyable for either one of you and will not make for promising sexual exploration in the future.  If at first your partner does not seem too keen on the idea of incorporating these new kinky ideas into your sexual repertoire, that’s okay.  You might try showing your partner that article or erotic story you read that gave you the idea in the first place, or looking into some literature for kinky beginners.

    If after reading up on kink through articles, books, or erotica and your partner is still hesitant, you should respect that and just give it some time.  Let the conversation rest for a while, maybe your partner is stressed at work currently or is having difficulty within their family.  Showing you respect their decision and/or can wait for other areas of their life to settle down will show your partner you respect them and honour their consent, and may keep your partner’s mind open to consenting to some kinky fun in the future.

    Lastly, after you have discussed what you are going to try with your partner, how you are going to try it, and have received verbal and (maybe a little nervous) enthusiastic consent, you need to keep safety and sanitation in mind as well.  This basically means using safe products for you and your partner, and to have a basic understanding of the kinky toys you might try using before actually using them on your partner.  For example, if you are going to use handcuffs, make sure you know how to easily get in and out of them.  Or, if you are going to use any sex toys like vibrators or dildos, make sure you know what they are made out of and know if those materials are healthy for you and your partner (be aware of latex and other kinds of allergies).  After you are done using toys, make sure to wash and store them properly too for next time.

    A final word on safety; depending on what you are choosing to explore sexually with your partner, having a safe word may be beneficial.  Having a safe word, like “red” for stop or “yellow” for slow down, or something silly like “watermelon”, can give you and your partner confidence and security in your kinky exploration.  If what you are experimenting with gets too intense for one of you, you can stop whenever you want by using your word.

    Keeping these three simple rules in mind: open communication, consent and safety for you and your partner while you begin to experiment and broaden your sexy horizons, will hopefully lead you both to a healthy, confident, (kinkily) blossoming sexuality.

    Images courtesy of Shutterstock

  • Why Sex is Unmentionable in India

    Why Sex is Unmentionable in India

    India definitely is emerging into a modernized country and has shown drastic changes in numerous fields in recent years, but subject matter like sex are still  fighting for the limelight as they are thrown at the edge of discussions.  People have changed and we can see that, but what we can’t see is internal authentic revolution of their mind.  A massive number of crowd still think that sex is not a term of discussion; it should be a taboo before marriage, and on the other hand it is a source of screening masculinity and power.

    If we position our attention towards history of sexuality in India, we can perceive that it has been influenced by diverse sources of philosophical notions and aptitude.  It was first affected by the philosophy and study of Hinduism, Jainism and Buddhism and later, it was shaped by Ramayana and Mahabharata and Vedas.  Sexuality in India has always been coloured by art and literature, but what India really forgot is to revolutionize its thought with the growing culture.  In these mentioned texts, it is the woman who sacrifices the opinion of her lifestyle to be portrayed as moral and ethical examples of Indian woman.

    India needs to understand that accepting the western style of living is not considered as an advancement.  In actual fact, they need to grow internally; their dogmatic beliefs and typical archetype figures of feminism are arbitrary.  Their emblematical thinking and understanding of women will never help them in modernizing.  Apart from dispossession of women’s respect in sex, India is lacking general understanding of congeniality in sex.  Not only the older generation, but the youths were found to believe in the same traits about sex.  What Indians need is to educate their children from the beginning about sex so that they don’t shy away from it afterwards and create blunders in their mind about sex.  In India, everyone is doing everything but behind the veil of lies and futility, which is one of the reasons for sexual violations in India.  People are unable to bring an end to their urges but they don’t seem to accept the reality and serenity of sex.

    There are numerous historical, cultural, philosophical and psychological reasons to why people have started judging sex as outlawed, but there are only few reasons to why they do not want to revolutionise.  It is their rigidity of believing they are right, a fear of acceptance in society, a fear of raising a voice, a peculiar fear of polluting their over polluted world and disrespecting their ancestor’s beliefs and ignorance.  India is exercising all latest technologies and is rising globally, but still hasn’t found any way to accept sex as an impression of gratification and connection of love; they are still hiding their needs and naming it as a process of reproduction in married lives.

    Anjali Gosain

  • The Effects of Media on Female Sexuality

    The Effects of Media on Female Sexuality

    The impact of the media is profound when it comes to setting ideals of beauty and sexuality for women. Marketing and advertising companies have created a billion dollar industry based on convincing women they are not “ideal” and need improvement. We are not only influenced by the images that we see but the messages we receive that change our way of thinking. The media is one of the most powerful and effective forms of education whether we like it or not. In a day, the average person will be exposed to thousands of ads and spend the majority of time watching commercials selling everything from products that provide pleasure, sexiness, happiness, and youth. If you look at the ads aimed at women you will find messages about body image, age, and sexuality that make a life changing impact on a woman’s values, success, and self-worth.

    The Internet is one of the fastest growing sources of information on sexuality and behaviour. The accessibility and anonymity contribute to the growing number of users for everything from educational to economic resources. The word “sex” is the most popular search term used on the Internet today and it continues to increase in availability of sexually explicit content. Our sexuality is strongly shaped by the society around us. We have to learn how to be sexual, it is not innate. What we learn from society is from the external cues we see from sexually-explicit material – both pornographic and sadomasochistic – that shapes our sexuality. There are both negative and positive effects on sexual health for women. It is more common than not to encounter pornography or sexually explicit material when seeking education on sexuality. The negative impact on sexual health from the media can lead to sexual concerns, low sexual self-esteem, and body image disorders. On the positive side, as the Internet grows, it also allows more opportunity for educational sites and resources for promoting healthy sexual behaviour and resources on intimacy, relationships, and safe sex. More often than not a search to find information on contraception or healthy sexuality will be limited to the findings of pornographic ads of beauty. Sexually-explicit material is widely accepted as a form to sell anything. It’s in the ad for running shoes, perfume, and even household cleaning products. A photoshopped torso, a bronze body with curves, a seductive pose or look to sexualize an image can create the message to be desired or sexy is what women want. In a sadomasochistic ad – used for selling jewellery, handbags and designer clothing – we might see bondage, a woman submissing to a man – mouth bound, on her knees, or hair being pulled. The message sent to women is that her private submission is highly desirable to men, and even “normal”.

    Everywhere we look in the media we see images of the female body. Magazines and media also portray popular celebrities as underweight, young-looking, perfectly groomed sex symbols. Are these the norms? Women’s magazines constantly put out the message of losing weight to gain happiness. The message is clear that if you lose weight your life will be more satisfying. If you dress sexier, you will get what you want. If you act a certain way, men will desire you. Analysts conclude that these messages are mainly economic. By creating a difficult to achieve ideal, industries targeting women will continue to grow and profit as they push products to its female consumers. By creating a sexual ideal for women, they will continue to buy the products, wear the clothes, or model what is expressed as the norm according to popular culture. The world of advertising is full of beautiful people using products we want to use. What we learn from these messages is stereotypes.

    Several media outlets have tried to portray a more natural woman and have received negative feedback from consumers. Therefore advertising companies continue to use underweight models because they sell products. Author Jean Kilbourne believes that the overwhelming presence of thin women in the media results in real women’s bodies becoming more invisible to the masses. Women compare themselves to models, to other women, and compete for male attention. It is a tragedy because it results in women internalizing stereotypes and judging themselves by the industry’s standards rather by those of their own.

    Today’s world of media is much more difficult to live in than the past. It is now more acceptable to show skin and flaunt your sexuality. Sex sells and it’s selling all over the world. Women are rightfully concerned as to how the role of mass media influences their lives. The challenge for women today is to learn how to interpret and distinguish the images put out there in the media. According to Elizabeth Thoman and Dale Ann Stieber, authors of Growing up Female in a Media World, there is a set of skills women should use when interpreting messages in the media. These skills include observing women’s images in the media, seeking out alternative depictions and supporting women to make their own media messages, and sharing this knowledge with friends, family and community. What is seen today in the media is not always uniform. More women should expand their media experiences to get a better understanding and perspective of different images and how it relates to our sexuality. It is also smart to be confident in yourself and your own image and spread to word to other women. Don’t rely on a single source of information. The media has a very specific goal and that is to sell products through fantasy and unrealistic ideals, not tell us how we should look or be. Be who you are and own it. We are each our own creators of our sexuality and sexual health.