SimplySxy

Tag: Relationships

  • Cuckold Relationships

    Cuckold Relationships

    As a couple gets comfortable with a cuckold lifestyle their sexual attitudes and activities often change.

    For the woman there is often a sense that sexual pleasure is something she has a right to enjoy.  The woman’s sense of sexual entitlement sometimes leads into her increasingly dominating her cuckold.  In contrast, the cuckold may feel sexual pleasure for him is secondary or something he has to earn.  The ways and type of sexual pleasures a cuckold earns is generally left to the woman.

    Some women may enjoy limiting the frequency or type of sexual pleasure that their cuckold has – some examples of this might be;

    • The cuckold must wear a condom when he is allowed to have sex with the woman even though she doesn’t use one with her other partner.
    • The cuckold is not allowed to ejaculate inside the woman as this privilege is reserved for her boyfriend/lover.  This rule is sometimes combined with the condom one so that the cuckold must stop having coitus before he ejaculates, withdraw and finish by masturbating while wearing the condom.
    • The woman no longer gives the cuckold oral sex even though she gives it freely to her lover and the cuckold must provide it to her whenever she wants.
    • The cuckold is restricted from having any regular sex with the woman.

    Many men find that their feelings of sexual arousal become heightened after becoming a cuckold.  Similarly their interest in sex becomes much more focused on their partner’s activities and pleasure.

    Over time the woman might find a regular boyfriend/lover whom they share a bond with.  At the same time, the cuckold may find ways of pleasing his lady apart from regular, penetrative sex.  For example, some cuckolds learn to give their lady a great massage or pedicure.  While the cuckolds have less traditional sex they sometimes learn to derive emotional pleasure from doing other sexual or non-sexual things for their wives/girlfriends.

    Some women may find that they enjoy having several boyfriend or lovers while others only want one extra partner at a time.

    One issue some women experience is that their boyfriend/lover wants to them leave or divorce themselves from their cuckold.  In these cases, the women often end the relationship.  To avoid this problem, it is best for the woman to make her status and intentions clear at the outset.  Some women actually seek out boyfriends/lovers who are married since they are much less likely to become demanding because they need to keep their activities secret.

    Other changes in the couples relationship might include:

    • The woman taking trips and vacations with her lover.  These might be trips where the lover accompanies the woman and cuckold.  For others, it usually means the woman goes off with her lover leaving her cuckold at home – usually to do chores.
    • At times, the cuckold might be required to seek out new potential boyfriends or lovers for the woman.
    • The cuckold sometimes chauffeurs the woman and her lover on a special date.

    Steve O: Emotional Responses in Cuckold Relationships

    Read Steve’s latest article on Cuckoldry & Pornography on SimplySxy.com!

    Images courtesy of Shutterstock

    Do not miss another article on SimplySxy!  Follow us on Facebook and Twitter for our latest updates!

  • Try the New Compersion: Jealousy Be Gone!

    Try the New Compersion: Jealousy Be Gone!

     

    Tired of those nagging jealous emotions you can’t seem to shed?

    Ready for a new emotion?  Then try the new and improved, emotional response called “compersion”.  It’s so new it’s not even in the Internet dictionary yet.

    So why am I jealous?  As a poly believing, free love kind of Leather-woman, I practice and teach adults to explore their kink, fetish, or other expressions of expanded sexuality and loving.  But that green monster can ruin a hot dungeon scene every time.

    Jealousy has caused many of my relationships to crash and burn.  I honestly don’t know when love changes to possessiveness, but it does.  After one ex-boyfriend decided to date my room-mate, my response moved into violent attack mode.  Thank goodness the internal rage also temporarily blinded me, so all I could literally see was red, and I was frozen in my tracks.  That gave me time to think, calm down, walk away, and find a new place to live.

    I would prefer another emotion than the one that beats up my heart and mind like a bronchitis attack.  Jealousy has a way of kidnapping my time and energy in directions I don’t want to go.  I recall the rush of unpleasant emotions that made my stomach knot up, my hand forming a fist, words spewing forth I would regret — all part of the cycle I wanted to break.  But how could I break free of the green stain?

    With the divorce rate in America comfortably above 50%, partnering for life is no longer the norm.  I needed another emotion that could keep up with our societal change.  At a polyamory meetup, I was introduced to the word: compersion, the antithesis to jealousy.  Here’s the Wiki on compersion:

    “Compersion is a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual’s current or former romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest.  This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion.”

    Nice concept, but the million-dollar question is, how can I be happy when MY old lover is loving someone else?  Then I remembered the C.S. Lewis book, The Four Types of Love.  Lewis defined the following types of love: Agape, Philia, Eros, and Storge.  I’ve paraphrased his concepts:

    Agape is the spiritual love you have that comes from your beliefs.  Philia is the bond of friendship.
  Eros is the emotional intimacy we share in a relationship.  (Venus is described as the “Fifth Love” and is the passion and energy of sexual exchange, its trademark being a temporary state of experience, like orgasm and infatuation.)

    There is another more powerful love that helps to explain the ability to convert jealousy into compersion:

    Storge is the familial love of parent to child.  Storge can be more powerful than all the others combined.  It’s the type of love that gives a parent superhuman strength to lift a car to save a child’s life.

    Compersion suggests that if we can adjust our thinking, heal our emotions, we can celebrate our partner, lover, spouse, or ex’s happiness in another relationship.  We can replace jealousy with joy.

    You also receive extra feelings of contentment and maturity with every use of compersion.  Like when your child goes off to school for the first time or the last, (hopefully) away to college.  There is pride of being a part of making that success happen.  And I like being a part of someone’s success.

    Jealousy can hold me in this knee jerk reaction of anger, hurt, and then retribution.  By reminding myself that the experience has passed, I can change my thoughts.  If that doesn’t work, then I remember why the relationship needed to end in the first place and my head clears, fist relaxes and I can look for the good of this new coupling and let the joy of compersion build in me.

    Now have I done it?  Not every time, but I’m working on it.  It’s not like one day you wake up compersed.  It’s the art of letting go of past anger that takes time and practice.  And when I have a surge of emotions that race up to my brain and fist at the same time, I acknowledge the emotion and look at it.  I then look at where I want my emotions to be and go there.  No need to replay the old tapes.  My heart calms, pulse slows, teeth unclench, and I can think without anger.  I take a deep breath, let compersion in, and make a choice to celebrate my (ex) lover’s new relationship and wish them well.  It’s that simple and that difficult.  But the end result is my joy and happiness and I’m definitely worth the effort.

    Cover image courtesy of Shutterstock

  • Dating & social media, do they fit?

    Dating & social media, do they fit?

    By now, almost everyone has Facebook, Twitter, Keek, Instagram, Vine, etc.  So, with all these social media outlets, how does it fair in love?  I personally feel like social media has taken over our lives.  When you are friends with the guy or girl you are seeing, you scour their Facebook activity to see who is commenting the most on their statuses, and if they are of the opposite sex.  It’s something many do, but beware, because this may cause an issue with your new mate.

    I have stayed away from being friends with my partner on Facebook.  I know most would say by my doing this, I will automatically cause a trust issue for my mate, but I don’t feel that it should cause a trust issue.  I am trying to prevent the jealousy issue people have when they see men comment or like my status, and I have no problem showing my partner my Facebook page when we are together.

    I’ve seen so many relationships end because of a comment someone made on a Facebook status.  No one can control what other people put on their Facebook or Twitter so there is no reason to get upset over every little comment!  Now, if your mate responds in a flirty fashion, then you can tell your partner you’re not okay with what they put as a response.

    I think social media has made things harder for people to date, and married couples are now making a Facebook page with both of their names, which to me is a waste of time.  Why create a new page?  That is just time consuming and everyone on your Facebook should know you are married already.  And if they don’t, then those people aren’t privy to your life and shouldn’t have access to it anyway.

    I’ve known couples where one has Facebook and the other does not.  I think this is the best way to go.  Men will always be flirty with women regardless if they know they are with someone or not.  I am not sure why this is so, but for me, I have always just said thank you or whatever generic response is needed for that situation.  I know that not all people will do what I do with regards to Facebook, but the important part is that both parties agree to how social media sites are used.  Which brings me to subliminal messages on social media.

    There are also people who fall victim to social media.  I have been a victim of social media and I know a lot of other people who have been victims from it as well.  Everyone knows about the Facebook subliminal messaging; people use these after a break up or if they are angry at someone.  When this occurs, your entire friends list and anyone who has ever liked the status will now know you have issues in your relationship.  I plead everyone to stop doing this!  It’s unnecessary and annoying.  I don’t want to know that your boyfriend didn’t take out the trash and that you are pissed, and I don’t think anyone else cares that he or she forgot the Sweetest Day (which I did this year, sue me it’s not on my calendar)!

    Social media will always be here.  There is no turning back, but please use it carefully, and remember not to use it when you have been drinking.  Even if you delete a status the day after, you have put it up for the world to see and everyone has already seen it by the time you delete it.  So please put the phone down while you are drinking or angry.  I have told everyone I know that when you are mad, write down what you want to say then wait an hour and go back and look at it.  After you go back and look at it, you will see that while being angry, you are most likely saying the same thing over and over again but in a different ways.

    Since social media will be here for years to come and we have learned new things about people we never wanted to know, remember this — it is hard to remove a comment or status even after it has been removed.  Everyone’s cell phone and computer signals update at different times, and you may not see that status any longer because you are the one who deleted it, but trust me my friend, many others have seen this update, even when you no longer can.

    I hope this has been helpful, and happy Facebooking!

    Christy is a dating & relationship coach and you can view her sexpert profile here. Photo credit: Shutterstock.

  • Cheated? 5 simple ways to move on

    Cheated? 5 simple ways to move on

    While I do not wish for myself or anyone else to go through the same agony, it is inevitable that some of us would have been cheated on at some point in time be it whether the relationship has run its course or well … the other party has decided that the grass could be crispier on the other side.  Even though I am now in a perfectly happy relationship with my adorably insufferable new beau, I can easily recall those hellish sleepless nights whereby I had spent them unearthly hours trying to rationalize and figure out why things turned out the way they did.  Moving on was exceptionally hard for me, given that it was my first real relationship—spanning half-a-decade—and my immediate instinct was to shut myself from the rest of society and immerse in work.  While my productivity definitely reached an all-time high, I was feeling like a pathetic rat every single day.  I eventually had an epic breakdown before picking up what remained of my miserable self.  It was not after when the ex tried to establish contact several months later to express his regrets and to seek a chance for reconciliation then did I realize that moving on was the best decision that I had made.  By cheating on me, he was essentially the one who could not come to terms with himself and chose to run away from his own insecurity issues.  If you are currently holding onto a destructive relationship that can no longer be salvaged, perhaps it is now the time to re-evaluate your situation.  Here are some ways that I have helped myself to move on:

    Friends and parents

    One of the best ways to acknowledge that the relationship is no longer functional is to come to terms with it and to keep the close circle of friends informed.  However, most of us may take a while before letting the parents know, especially if both parties have yet to meet the parents.  While my friends have been really supportive, my folks were the ones who provided the most emotional support during this period and made sure that I was at least eating well despite waking up to seeing me with puffy eyes every morning.  My mum even skipped her weekly mahjong sessions just to chill out with me.  Right now, two years on, my dad keeps a lookout for me to make sure that I am in a good place in my current relationship.

    No contact

    Out of sight; out of mind.  In my instance, the ex was clearly expecting me to give in and forgive him again after he had initiated the second breakup.  After all, I was the one who forgave him all too easily previously.  This time round, I was determined to cease every means of contact.  Apart from refusing to pick up his phone calls, I went the extra mile by blocking him and his entire clan on whatsapp, facebook, and all other forms of social media.  This made things much easier and I was no longer tormented over whether to give him another chance because he clearly deserved … not.

    To find yourself again

    Sure, things may have changed over the course of the relationship.  While it is most likely that both parties are responsible for this breakdown, there is no need to beat yourself up over it.  It is important to figure out the cause (if possible) and give yourself ample time to internalize it before moving on in order to embark on the journey to find yourself again.  Take part in activities that you have always wanted, but never had the time to.  Indulge and splurge on that piece of luxury item that you had been eyeing with the money you were saving up for a vacation with the ex.  Go for a movie alone and learn to appreciate the solo time that you have earned.

    Sweat it out

    I literally found my solace in jogging and pilates.  It wasn’t soon before I made the decision to sign up to the local gym, hit the threadmill, and went for my first pilates class.  And I have never looked back since.  Apart from relishing in the adrenalin rush, it also made me aware that if I could accomplish the seemingly impossible and arduous feat of those insane elevated leg circles, there was possibly nothing else that I was not capable of.  In a way, this gave me the willpower to put everything to an end when the ex wanted to get back together.

    Burn baby burn !

    What’s the point of keeping those movie ticket stubs, birthday and valentine cards?  These were written and exchanged during better times and he/she clearly no longer feels the same.  Sure, getting rid of all these may come across as a bitter act and seem to be too drastic a step, but there is no better feeling than to watch those painful memories fire up and burn away.   Just be sure to extinguish the flames before bidding the past away.

  • Love and Comparisons: Why do we compare ourselves to other people?

    Love and Comparisons: Why do we compare ourselves to other people?

    You date.  Find a great guy.  All goes seemingly well.  Then he dumps you.  You are devastated.  You are a strong woman, and you know you’ll go on.  But what does that take and how the hell do you do that?

    Cut to, a few weeks later.  You see his new squeeze.  Your ass is devastated.

    Does it ever benefit you to compare yourself to another woman?  Ever?  Ever?  But damn!  She’s so  pretty, outgoing, and funny…You’re either one second off to committing suicide, or dating her.  You don’t even know which to do first.

    Of course, you’ve guessed that this is art imitating life.  You are damn straight.  One thing I’ve always tried to do, is give back to the world what I feel I am missing.  So, kind souls, this is my contribution to society.  Thank me later.

    So why do we compare?

    I actually have no good answer for this.  I don’t know why we do.  We just do.  Maybe it’s our EGO, a impression of people’s reactions to us.  If they hate you, you hate you.  If the world, or a guy thinks someone else is better than you, then you, unfortunately think someone else is better…This is not ever true.

    Or, you accept the other person as better, because the person you dated chose them.  You respect the other person’s values so much, that you think:  “Wow, he chose her, and he’s amazing. So, maybe that other person is better than me.”  A pretty dangerous way to think.

    No matter how you do it, comparing yourself to another person will always  F-up your self-esteem.  Don’t do it, ever.  I love you.  Don’t do it=)

    What has helped me in this circumstance, is thanking the universe for presenting a dilemma like this to me.  Somewhere, deep down inside, I want to grapple with this.  If I didn’t, I would  have never been triggered.  The rewards of dealing with difficult situations are usually far reaching, so having this assignment – I welcome it.

    I also learned that it’s better to compare your new self with your old self.  As opposed to other people.  Why?  Because we will never win at comparing ourselves to others.  We simply can’t be them.  But one thing we can do, is to be exceptional, kick ass, and magnetic versions of ourselves.

    Look at who we were before this situation.  Make a list.  What did we do a year (or more ago) that we absolutely don’t do now.  Really think about it, and be thankful for who we are now, and where we’ve come.  If there is anything, we still want, GET IT.  Take care of your body if you want to, rid yourself of unsavoury relationships and people, if you feel that’s essential to your betterment.

    Lastly, It’s helped me  to ignore everybody!  Ignore all opinions good and bad, because they say “you’re never as good as people say you are, and you’re never as bad as people say you are.”  You’re somewhere in between, and if you rid yourself of outside validation; If you don’t live within the opinions of others…. You’ll  never fall victim to dreaded comparisons.  Relationship or otherwise.

  • The Love Experience

    The Love Experience

    “Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.” – Woody Allen

    Sexual stimulation is a pleasurable experience that can be fun and relaxing.  Sex and love can both create strong attachment feelings and one of the most profound experiences we have as human beings.  The capacity to love and feel loved leads to healthy and intense sexual interactions.  Love is one of the most well-known and least understood conditions in human nature.  Scientists say it’s a drive, similar to hunger or thirst, while psychologists may define it as a social or cultural phenomenon.  Regardless, it is the most universal emotion in the world with elements of each model that drives our need to love, including how sexual attraction and attachment style play a role in our relationships.  Studies in neuroscience show that as people fall in love, the brain releases chemicals that activate the pleasure center of the brain similar to drugs leading to side effects such as increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement.  Love can be experienced in different forms.  Our first connections with love are during infancy and childhood, and can set up love schemas that determine our capacity to love others during adulthood.

    Self-Love

    Self-love and selfishness are sometimes confused.  Each has different sources and consequences.  Self-love brings feelings of confidence, competence, and we are much kinder and loving towards others.  Selfishness causes withdrawal, and lack of respect towards self and others.  Self-love and appreciation are directly related to the capabilities of loving and appreciating others.

    The following questions can help differentiate between self-love and selfishness:

    1. When was the last time you felt unhappy with yourself (insecure, irritable)?
    2. When did you last feel happy with yourself (proud, pleased with your personal qualities)?
    3. How did you behave towards other people on those two occasions (happy/unhappy)?  On which occasion were you kinder and more generous towards others?

    When you are unhappy with yourself is probably when you were more selfish.  When we dislike ourselves, the energy we put out is directed towards protecting ourselves and is not focused on how we are treating others.  It is when we love ourselves that we are most capable of giving to, and loving others.

    Love Schemas

    How we are in adult romantic relationships is related to the working models or schemas we develop early in life – usually from our first loving experiences with caregivers. As we grow and develop these schemas become more complex. There are six different love schemas that are similar to the attachment styles that develop during childhood:

    1. Secure – seldom worry about being abandoned and believe other people are trustworthy and have good intentions.
    2. Skittish – wary of intimacy and uncomfortable with closeness, expectations that relationships fail and fear of depending on others.
    3. Clingy – desire closeness and worry that their partners don’t love them or will leave them and fear being on their own and abandoned.
    4. Fickle – uncomfortable with closeness and independence and never comfortable with what they have. They are suspicious of commitment and fear entrapment.
    5. Casual – view love affairs as fun and lacks desire for commitment often fearing intimacy.
    6. Uninterested – not interested in relationships and gets little pleasure out of it and when they end often feels relief.

    The development of these love schemas depends on how comfortable we are with closeness, independence and how willing we are to be involved in romantic relationships.  Identifying our love schema can give insight on our attachment style and patterns in relationships.

    Love vs. Lust

    The beginning stages of love are full of arousal, intense sexual desire, anxiety over rejection, and an array of positive and sometimes negative emotions.  Whether it is lust, infatuation, or romantic love, a preoccupation with the loved one is common and unavoidable.  Lust is actually a normal and healthy human emotion and can be very pleasurable for two people in the expression of sexual interactions.  If two people do not deal with feelings prior to sexual activity lust can sometimes lead to pain and guilt.

    There is this old cliché’ that men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love.

    Even though society is slowly moving towards more gender equality in views of sex – surveys show that more women than men find sex only acceptable in a love relationship.  If one partner is more motivated by lust than love, it can lead to difficulties in a relationship.  The sharing of feelings and intentions by both partners can minimize feelings of guilt and exploitation that can arise when two people have conflicting motivations for a relationship.

    Dependency and Jealousy

    Feelings of dependency and jealousy are often associated with love and are often experienced by individuals that lack self-confidence and self-esteem.  The consequences are a false love that consists of manipulative, exploitive, and unhealthy love behaviors.  These feelings of dependency and jealousy are human and we all feel them at some point in our lives – they are painful and often unavoidable.  The healthiest way to cope with these feelings is to communicate them instead of accusing, attacking, blaming or shaming your loved one.  It will reduce the negative effects of dependency and jealousy.

    Here are questions to assess healthy love in your relationship:

    1. Have you continued to maintain individual interests, including meaningful personal relationships with people other than your partner?
    2. Are you and your lover friends? If your erotic relationship ended, would you continue to see one another as friends?
    3. Have you maintained a secure belief in your own values as an independent person?
    4. Is your relationship integrated with the rest of your life rather than set off or isolated from your other activities?
    5. Do you feel improved by the relationship? Have you become stronger, more attractive, more accomplished, and more sensitive since becoming involved with your partner?

    These are great questions to ask yourself and your partner if you are in a loving sexual relationship.  If either of you answered “no” to more than one question it is worth discussing and looking at possibilities of changing aspects of the relationship.  The quality of a relationship is not measured by the absence of problems – there is no such thing as a “perfect” relationship.  The qualities that are important include honesty, integrity, and concern for resolving problems in a way that meets the needs of both partners.

    Independent, mature, and self-confident people have the greatest capacity for healthy and loving sexual interactions.  Two adults in a relationship that form an erotic bond can share their whole self – and can enjoy each others similarities and accept and be comfortable with their differences.  If someone makes the other person the exclusive focus of one’s life, it can reduce the vitality of a relationship. The healthier way is for each partner in a relationship to develop her or his own potential and be able to contribute individual, unique qualities to a mutually satisfying and stimulating relationship.  This ideal is not easily attained or constantly maintained, but striving towards it contributes to the hope and pleasure that characterize lasting and loving sexual interactions.

  • Why Men Need to Learn How to Not Be “That Guy”

    Why Men Need to Learn How to Not Be “That Guy”

    Melissa McEwan over at Shakesville wrote a piece today about why she thinks that straight men shouldn’t write articles or blogs telling other men how to not be creepy. She makes some good points, though I think she also misses some key points.

    Her first argument is that when men talk about creepiness, they tend to frame it as something that other men do:

    I would wager that virtually all of the men who have behaved toward me in ways described as “creepy” don’t consider themselves creepy.  “Creepy” is something other dudes are.  If you want to have a serious talk with men about their interactions with women, you can’t use language that very few of the men who need to take this lesson believe applies to them.

    There’s certainly some truth to this.  A lot of men have no idea that they’re being creepy, and plenty of other men don’t care if they are or not.  But I think she’s wrong about how “virtually all of the men” think about themselves.

    See, here’s the thing- almost all of the messages that boys and men receive about how to approach someone for sex, how to ask for what you want, how to perform masculinity, and how to deal with rejection teach us to push someone’s boundaries.  They teach us to not take no for an answer.  They teach us that sexual success is measured by how often you have sex, rather than the pleasure and joy of the participants.  All of these messages teach men to be creepy.

    As a man who is both deeply committed to being an ally to women, and as a man who is deeply committed to crafting an honest, authentic, passionate life, I’ve struggled with these messages.  I had to learn through trial and error (and unfortunately, far more error than I wish) because I didn’t have a single role model to point the way. And I find it troubling that anyone who wants to create a world of gender equality would advocate for men not stepping up and taking that on.

    Many of the men who come to my workshops are really worried about being creepy.  They genuinely want to learn how to flirt with women, and to be romantic and sexual with women.  And they want to do it without being creepy.  So unless someone offers them useful tools for how to do that and helps them see how we need to resist the patterns of sexism, sexual intrusion, and gender roles, how does Ms McEwan think that will happen?

    Personally, I’m not a big fan of othering the creeps.  I know that I’ve done things that were creepy, simply because I didn’t know how to not do them.  I agree with Ms McEwan that nothing good comes from pretending that it’s those “other guys.”  But I disagree with her that men talking about creepiness has to use that false dichotomy.  The fact that it often has doesn’t mean that it must.  Rather than shutting down men’s voices, I’d rather create a call to action for the guys who get it, so they can stand up and be heard.

    In her second point, Ms McEwan argues that many of the writings on the topic focus on the well-intentioned and clueless men, while ignoring the existence of predators. I totally agree with that.  I also agree that there are predators who will take the lessons meant for non-predatory men and use them to camouflage their intentions, just as they often pretend to be “hapless dude[s] who just didn’t know any better” when they get caught.

    But I’m still not convinced that the way to deal with that is by not making room for men to teach each other how to navigate consent, communication, boundaries, expectations, and relationships.  She says that “If those [well-intentioned but clueless] guys want to not harm women, they’ll learn even if you target your allyship in a way that centers accountability for any harm, irrespective of intent.”  How, precisely, are men supposed to learn these things if we don’t ever talk about how to do it? After all, it’s not as if guys are discussing their relationships at the corner bar.  And it’s not like most people get to watch other folks talk about their sexual desires in healthy, respectful ways.  So unless there are books, workshops, or websites to learn from, how can that possibly happen?

    At the same time, I 100% agree that men also need to learn that we are accountable for any harm we do, whatever the reason.  As important as they are, intentions don’t matter when it’s time to make amends.  And you don’t get to pull the “Golly! I had no idea that wasn’t ok.” card more than once.  Men who use that excuse over and over, without taking steps to change how they act, place themselves firmly on the douchebag-rapist spectrum.  But we can hold onto that AND the fact that boys and men need to teach each other how to act honourably.

    Ms McEwan’s third point is that men need to make room for women to talk about these issues:

    Instead, invite a woman to write a piece about consent from her perspective, then leverage your male privilege to endorse and champion it.  Host it in your space.  Invite other men to listen to what your female guest writer has to say.  The thing about “creeps” is that they don’t respect women; they don’t listen to us; they don’t empathize with us.

    If you really want men to not harm women, then find ways of encouraging them to respect, listen to, and empathize women. To see what “creepiness” looks like from our perspective.

    Yes.  This.  A lot.  But it’s also not enough.  It’s not enough because cisgender women have no idea what it’s like to live as a cisgender man, to grow up being shamed into masculinity.  You don’t have that lived experience, any more than I have the lived experience of being shamed into femininity.  This doesn’t have to be an either/or.  We can serve as allies and support women, and we can also show men what it means to “respect, listen to, and empathize [with] women.”  We need to model it to each other, we need to teach each other how to do it, and we need to hold ourselves and each other accountable.  One way we can do that is by writing about it.  (And yes, the fact that I’m not straight makes a difference in how I approach this issue.)

    Do I think that straight men teaching other straight men how to not be creepy is necessarily a good thing?  Not at all.  I think McEwan drops a lot of truthbombs in her post.  And I’m troubled by the fact that a lot of the marketing behind the “how to not be creepy” books and articles rests on a foundation of “this is how to get laid.” Acting like an ethical, honorable person because it’ll make it easier to have sex is creepy.  Fighting the cultural programming and learning to be an ethical, honourable person is not.  Unfortunately, most of the writing I’ve seen on the topic is the former.  I think we need to see more of the latter.

    That’s why Sabrina Morgan and I started teaching “How to Not Be ‘That Guy’”, our workshop on this topic.  We’ll be in San Diego on February 5 and in Oakland, CA on February 26. While these presentations are focused on the tantra/sacred sex communities, you don’t have to be part of them to attend.  We also have a more general version that focuses on heterosexual men, and we teach this workshop for many different communities, including queer men, transgender men, the BDSM community, the polyamory/open relationship world, and other sex-positive circles.

    We also both offer our services as sex coaches.  I work with individuals and couples over Skype, and we both do in-person sessions.  So when you’re ready to figure all this out, or when you need some support to improve any part of your sexual and romantic life, get in touch!

    This article has been republished with permission from Charlie Glickman. Please visit Charlie Glickman’s website  to view original post and more of Charlie’s works.

  • Everyone’s Best Love Story

    Everyone’s Best Love Story

    I had dwelled over several wrong people in my life and during that time, I had not yet realized that I was only wasting my time and a huge amount of my emotions.  Had I known better, I would have made use of my precious time to moving on and embracing new beginnings.

    Most people would vouch that they have the best love story in the world and even I would say that.  I have had too many love stories compiled, and each one I had dramatically claimed to be the best.  After several relationship failures, all short-lived, I now find myself thankful that I did not invest too much of my time being committed to any person from the past.  I would also like to negate my declarations that those previous love stories were the best because (for me) failed love stories are not the best, they are attempts and are, in the simplest of explanations, not meant to be.

    I have had numerous destructive relationships, in which I see myself being stupid and doing stupid things.  I suppose that every broken-hearted individual yearns to justify his/her actions by trying to cope with in such a way that their level of maturity during that time dictates them rather irrationally.  If I had the power to reverse time and to do things over again, I would have done so many things differently.

    Matt and I share the same opinion in that aspect.  However, life is only lived once, thus, one cannot undo what has already been done.  In the course of every life, there are always regrets, moments lived only partially, and really big mistakes along the way.  These things do not sum up the highlights of one’s life but they serve ways to either break the person completely or make the person rise to his/her best.

    I would like to serve as a living testament that everyone has the power to overcome every hurdle, especially heartaches.  I have made heartache an excuse to get the best of me and enjoy the pathetic benefits of self-pity and empathy.  When everything has been said and done, it does not make anything better at all.  It only adds fuel to the fire, which eventually makes one’s life more miserable than it already is.

    How and for what reason I have gained the maturity to move on is not much of a miracle.  At first I thought I could find the miracle in the genuine kindness of other people; I thought with them I could survive.  I also once believe that I needed to force myself to be okay which I found it effective except for the “force” word.  “Choose” is rather the right word.  Moving on and getting better also happens with time but more than that, it comes with one’s determination to finally let go of the complications, leave the bad behind and start anew without holding on to anything or anyone anymore.

    What makes moving on long, tiring and difficult is the wrong notion that what caused it is synonymous to what could fix it.  The solution is only acceptance.  When one accepts the pain and is willing to move forward, s/he can push away unhealthy factors.  One can easily divert his/her attention, time, and emotion to positive things.

    It was after being able to live in that viewpoint that I found myself being directed to the many great opportunities in my life.  It was in being still and in letting God do His wonders that I found out that love only happens when you do not compel it to happen but let it happen in its own conditions and timing.

    I could truly say that despite the many drama and uncountable claims of love in my 20 years of existence, it was only after meeting my true other half that every “first” in love became authentic.  It does not matter who your first boyfriend or girlfriend was, your first kiss, the first person you made love to with, and how long you had been in a relationship with someone.  It is all about who you find yourself being most in love with, how passionately you kiss that person, how making love to the one you are with now is the best of them all, and knowing that you will stay together forever, with each day feeling as though your happiness is immeasurable.  When you finally find that person, everything that you do together as a couple is your “first” because only the two of you could live in those moments together, and those moments will be the most essential in your lives.

    You may fall in love several times and may fall in love with a person for a long time.  But you only truly love once and when you do, you never feel otherwise. You no longer fall in love for a long time but you stay in love for the rest of your life.  That is what counts.  For whatever consolation, you tell yourself that everything, including the messing up part, happened to lead you to the one meant for you.

    This is exactly what I want to share to every person who feels that his/her love story is the best in the world.  Your love story is indeed the best in the world because that is yours and that no one can take that away from you.  The past does not matter.  It is a different book, not a different chapter.  The moment you find your other half, it is the only love you will ever believe and live for your entire life. In that love story, you need not have to move on, you only move forward together.

  • Top 3 Signs That She is Serious About You (and Not Your Money)

    Top 3 Signs That She is Serious About You (and Not Your Money)

    There seems to be many “nice” guys who are willing to spend a lot on the girl they love.  However, you also want to be sure that she is not just a money-sucker.  Even though primitively, women are looking for men who can provide for their necessities, many have evolved to become materialistic.  It’s a thin line drawn here.  But here are some signs you can use as a guide to “gauge” if ALL she wants is YOU.

    1.  She is not fussy about who pays for dates

    While many guys don’t mind paying for meals and dates, this can be a good way to test if she really is a calculative one.  Never do this on the first few dates as this may portray you as someone very stingy and lacking generosity.  Leave your wallet at home on purpose for once, after the relationship is stable, and see how she reacts to this.  Don’t bother with this girl if she calls off the outing just because of that.  She cares more about money than spending time with you.  She is a keeper if she reacts positively.  Even if she doesn’t have much to offer, drinking coffee in the hawker can be a sweet date as well, because all that matters to her is your company and time.

    2.  She is not using material gains as a measure of your love for her

    “Buy XXX handbag for me if you love me”, “Buy me something that is a good measure of your love for me”.  Sounds typical?  She may not say this out right but implications of such is already a good-enough sign.  “Nice” guys are made to believe that giving expensive gifts to their partner is a display of love and sacrifice, and this makes her happy.  Yes, that is true but this encourages her to love you because of what you can give and not for who you are.  I am not saying that we should not spend on branded goods.  Again, it’s a thin line drawn.  It is OK to spurge once in a while for special occasions but using this as a way to blackmail or measure the amount of love you have for her is simply too superficial.  She is here to stay if she can occasionally accept, or even be contented with, “affordable” yet meaningful gifts such as a little card, a small cake, a drawing, a handmade rose..

    3.  She reciprocates in every way

    Many “nice” guys end up in a one-sided love relationship for a very long time, not even realizing that this has been getting very foolish and this girl is totally not worth their time.  They give almost everything they have – time, effort and finances – and the girl just takes it for granted.  You wait for hours under her house just to wait for her to doll up.  She thinks this is “reasonable and acceptable” and gives you this treatment as a “matter of fact” with zero respect.  You help run errands for her at the expense of your precious OFF day rest, and all you get is just  a cold “Thank you” at the end of the day.  If you are in such a situation, it is time to keep a look out for signs of reciprocity.   Does she do-likewise for you in a similar circumstance?  Does she also get you an expensive gift on a special day?  Does she also give you a small massage when you are tired?  Does she also hear you out, like the way you do, when you have a bad day at work?  In short, if you see that she is also putting in 100% of her effort, just like the way you do, you should really keep and treasure her.

  • To Be Had At Hello

    To Be Had At Hello

    So recently I found myself sitting on my ass in front of my computer on a Friday night, wondering what there was to do.  You see, the latest season of Survivor hadn’t started yet, so my Friday nights were pretty much wide open for adventure.  Except, having just gotten out of a long relationship, and realising that most of my girlfriends now had husbands and babies to contend with, I was pretty much left very alone to my own devices.

    I’m not usually the girl without a life.  And if you leave me alone with myself, I’m usually thankful for some peace and quiet, a little ‘me’ time, where I can do anything from paint my nails to write a Taylor Swift-esque breakup song.  But sometimes all you want is to chill out somewhere with someone with whom you can enjoy some good conversation.

    So what’s the modern girl to do?  Set up an online profile of course.  Upload a couple of cute camwh*** pics, fill in an essay or two about my personality, and then, well, wait.  Me being the forward kind of girl, I mostly just click around everywhere and randomly send messages to people whose pictures or profiles catch my eye.  But, just like with some other things in life, if you give, you should also expect to receive.

    And receive I do.  According to the stats on one dating site, I get an average of about 150 views a week, out of which maybe 30 to 50 actually translate into a message in my inbox.  That’s quite a lot of emails to read!  You’d think, wow, so many guys are interested; she must be spoilt for choice!

    Hold it right there, buster.  Photos and personality notwithstanding, let’s just consider why half of these messages will get chucked by me in an instant – sometimes with me not even bothering to open and read the full email itself.  Here’s 10 tips on writing that first message that you could use:

    1) Lose the lame pickup lines.

    “Can you take me to the bakery?  Cos I want a cutiepie like you.” is not a smart, witty introduction.  Neither is the one about being late because you were busy slaying dragons and rescuing damsels in distress, before asking if I’m the princess.

    2) Put in some effort.

    Saying “Hi, wanna chat?” might have last worked only when you were last chatting on mIRC/ICQ. In that same vein, telling me you’re 27/M/Singaporean is like telling me you have 10 fingers and 10 toes.  Tell me something I don’t know.

    3) Be somebody.

    If you’re sending me an email, there’s a chance another twenty people are too.  How do you stand out from the bunch?  First of all, don’t start with “Just a simple/normal/boring guy…”  Preferably, also don’t admit to living in your office… or gym.  In fact, why not try getting a life first, before coming back to online dating? Nobody wants to be with the guy who doesn’t ever do anything or go anywhere.

    4) Don’t Ctrl C + Ctrl V please.

    I know, there’s so many fish in the sea, if only you could just set up a net to catch a whole haul instead of dangling baits one at a time, waiting for one to hook.  “Hey, I know, let’s just write a very deep, insightful, sincere message that introduces myself in a good light, and compliments her looks and personality, and that drives home the message that I’m interested in getting to know her.”  And then because it took so much effort to actually write a message like that, wow, it’s too good not to be shared with the next girl, and the next, and the next… Yea, and what do we receive?  A “copy-paste” message. So much for sincerity, really.  This is the equivalent of forwarding us some mass-send email without even bothering enough to remove the Fwd: in the subject header or inserting “Dear (our name)” but leaving it in the default Microsoft Outlook blue in contrast to the rest of the email in black.

    5) Don’t come off shallow.

    Yes, pictures are all we can go by to tell if a person is butt ugly or pleasant-looking enough to actually sit across from at a coffee joint. But don’t make it sound like that’s all you noticed.  “Hi I think you’re gorgeous” might work for some girls, I’m sure.  Me, not so. First of all it sounds insincere; secondly if you’re gonna make it just all about looks, you better have a gorgeous picture when I click on your profile too.  If you really want to compliment a girl, “Hi I love how beautiful/radiant/brilliant your smile is” might work better.

    6) Don’t come off haughty.

    I know, you’re probably a great catch. But boasting about your job, or car – or abs! – doesn’t make you appealing. ‘Nuff said.

    7) Keep it PG – and in your pants.

    I’m not sure if I should be impressed that in this fast-paced society, there are guys who are so efficient, they go straight to the point. Beyond asking whether I’d like to “have some fun”, I do get messages asking me if I’ll wear my heels in bed, or how I’d like to be tied up.  And then there are those who tell me my pictures are the source of their… DIY. Like, ew.  Am I supposed to be flattered??  (And no, my pictures are all very PG thank you very much!)

    8) Save the debate.

    My online profile isn’t full of motions waiting for you to oppose.  Yes, I suppos e I could enjoy discussing the merits of say, green tea, on any given Sunday.  But my likes and dislikes and preferences are not up for discussion on a line-by-line basis. They are also not statements to which you have to respond with “Strongly agree/disagree”, “Somewhat agree/disagree”, or “Neutral”.  So please refrain from sending me a thesis because you’re not going to get a good grade for that!

    9) Don’t be rude.

    I’m not sure if the guys that do this think they are being smart, but they tend to form opinions from my profile and then strongly feel that they need to share those opinions with me.  It runs the gamut of guys telling me I am idealistic, to those who question if my singlehood is due to my having unrealistic expectations of the world around me.  Here’s a tip, not just for online dating, but all relationships and friendships in general: Don’t judge.  If you can’t accept it, that is the direction in which you should, well, you know.

    10) Just be.

    After all those “Don’ts”, here’s one you really need to follow.  Just be.  Be yourself, be funny, be confident, be interested, be sincere.  Be all of those things.  Just type what you feel. If reading her profile made you chuckle, say so, mention which parts. If you were impressed with something she said, tell her so.  If you think you share something in common, ask about it, share what you know.  As I write this paragraph, it sounds so common sense, and yet… here we are, writing about it, because it’s important for you to know it!

    And don’t forget to leave a call-to-action.  Ok you’ve complimented her, you’ve pointed out the ways you guys might work great together, then what?  What do you want? Do you want her to drop you a line? Grab a coffee together some time?  Put it out there.  Yeah, you might get rejected.  Pretty big chance you’ll still get ignored anyways. But the girl that finally picks up on your heartfelt sincerity?  My guess is she’s the one you’ll want to date. Good luck!