SimplySxy

Tag: Fetish

  • Try the New Compersion: Jealousy Be Gone!

    Try the New Compersion: Jealousy Be Gone!

     

    Tired of those nagging jealous emotions you can’t seem to shed?

    Ready for a new emotion?  Then try the new and improved, emotional response called “compersion”.  It’s so new it’s not even in the Internet dictionary yet.

    So why am I jealous?  As a poly believing, free love kind of Leather-woman, I practice and teach adults to explore their kink, fetish, or other expressions of expanded sexuality and loving.  But that green monster can ruin a hot dungeon scene every time.

    Jealousy has caused many of my relationships to crash and burn.  I honestly don’t know when love changes to possessiveness, but it does.  After one ex-boyfriend decided to date my room-mate, my response moved into violent attack mode.  Thank goodness the internal rage also temporarily blinded me, so all I could literally see was red, and I was frozen in my tracks.  That gave me time to think, calm down, walk away, and find a new place to live.

    I would prefer another emotion than the one that beats up my heart and mind like a bronchitis attack.  Jealousy has a way of kidnapping my time and energy in directions I don’t want to go.  I recall the rush of unpleasant emotions that made my stomach knot up, my hand forming a fist, words spewing forth I would regret — all part of the cycle I wanted to break.  But how could I break free of the green stain?

    With the divorce rate in America comfortably above 50%, partnering for life is no longer the norm.  I needed another emotion that could keep up with our societal change.  At a polyamory meetup, I was introduced to the word: compersion, the antithesis to jealousy.  Here’s the Wiki on compersion:

    “Compersion is a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual’s current or former romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest.  This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion.”

    Nice concept, but the million-dollar question is, how can I be happy when MY old lover is loving someone else?  Then I remembered the C.S. Lewis book, The Four Types of Love.  Lewis defined the following types of love: Agape, Philia, Eros, and Storge.  I’ve paraphrased his concepts:

    Agape is the spiritual love you have that comes from your beliefs.  Philia is the bond of friendship.
  Eros is the emotional intimacy we share in a relationship.  (Venus is described as the “Fifth Love” and is the passion and energy of sexual exchange, its trademark being a temporary state of experience, like orgasm and infatuation.)

    There is another more powerful love that helps to explain the ability to convert jealousy into compersion:

    Storge is the familial love of parent to child.  Storge can be more powerful than all the others combined.  It’s the type of love that gives a parent superhuman strength to lift a car to save a child’s life.

    Compersion suggests that if we can adjust our thinking, heal our emotions, we can celebrate our partner, lover, spouse, or ex’s happiness in another relationship.  We can replace jealousy with joy.

    You also receive extra feelings of contentment and maturity with every use of compersion.  Like when your child goes off to school for the first time or the last, (hopefully) away to college.  There is pride of being a part of making that success happen.  And I like being a part of someone’s success.

    Jealousy can hold me in this knee jerk reaction of anger, hurt, and then retribution.  By reminding myself that the experience has passed, I can change my thoughts.  If that doesn’t work, then I remember why the relationship needed to end in the first place and my head clears, fist relaxes and I can look for the good of this new coupling and let the joy of compersion build in me.

    Now have I done it?  Not every time, but I’m working on it.  It’s not like one day you wake up compersed.  It’s the art of letting go of past anger that takes time and practice.  And when I have a surge of emotions that race up to my brain and fist at the same time, I acknowledge the emotion and look at it.  I then look at where I want my emotions to be and go there.  No need to replay the old tapes.  My heart calms, pulse slows, teeth unclench, and I can think without anger.  I take a deep breath, let compersion in, and make a choice to celebrate my (ex) lover’s new relationship and wish them well.  It’s that simple and that difficult.  But the end result is my joy and happiness and I’m definitely worth the effort.

    Cover image courtesy of Shutterstock

  • Initiation into Cuckoldry; for husbands and wives

    Initiation into Cuckoldry; for husbands and wives

    It is important to recognise, modern cuckold lifestyles are definitely a niche or fetish that isn’t for everyone.  Before a husband or wife approaches their spouse with the idea of using cuckoldry to spice up their marriage, they need to proceed slowly while guarding their mate’s feelings.  The way a couple’s participation in a cuckold lifestyle unfolds, where the husband initiates things, is generally very different than if the wife does.

    For Husbands

    For a husband, revealing his interest in being his wife’s cuckold can be risky as she may misinterpret his motivations and assume he has a hidden agenda.  When many women learn of their husband’s interest in cuckoldry, they become upset and assume that their husband is looking to get into “swinging”, break up their marriage, have an open relationship or even atone for his own infidelity.

    Before a husband mentions being a cuckold to his wife, he should carefully consider what it is about the cuckold lifestyle that he finds exciting.  Given the counterintuitive nature of being a cuckold, this self-reflection is important for several reasons.  Firstly, so the husband can better determine if he truly is ready to be an actual cuckold in real life.  There are several things he can do.

    He could try imagining his wife having sex with certain men he knows among his friends and/or co-workers.  He might find that the idea of certain men having sex with his wife is more arousing, distressful or objectionable than others.  He needs to understand that his wife might be attracted to men who are similar to him in appearance and personality or she might want someone who is very different from her husband.

    If the husband can understand his feelings, he can better adapt if or when his wife does accept a cuckold lifestyle and things don’t unfold the way he originally imagined.

    Another thing a man should try is imagining his wife going off on a “date” or having sex with another man when he is having sex or masturbating.  He will likely find that his fantasising will add greatly to his arousal.  After he has an orgasm, he should continue reflecting on how he would feel if his wife was having sex with someone else.  In this post-orgasm state he will likely feel more jealousy, resentment and other negative feelings.

    Riding the “Arousal Wave”

    It is important to recognize the emotional effect that sexual arousal has overall, especially on men and their sexual fantasies.  It is relatively easy for a man that is sexually aroused to enjoy kinky fantasies and fetishes, but once he has an orgasm, his interest and “openness” often diminishes or disappears along with his arousal.  Prior to having an orgasm, a man is riding on a wave of sexual excitement.  Once he has an orgasm, that “arousal wave” crashes down and his perspective is often radically changed when he has to deal with some hard realities.

    It is vitality important that the man learn to deal with and minimise the negative emotions he feels about being a cuckold when he is not aroused.  A simple way for him to do this is to keep fantasising about his wife being sexual with another man, both when he is aroused and then again right after he has an orgasm.

    Another technique a man can use to help him deal with cuckold-angst is reciting a “cuckold mantra”.  Here, the man thinks up a key phrase that is meaningful and repeats it silently to himself or aloud somewhere private.  The phrase should be something that the man finds a bit challenging to think about and say.  The mantra is then repeated 10-12 times at least twice a day.

    Examples:

    “My wife deserves more sexual pleasure than I can give her“,

    “I want my wife to have a well-endowed boyfriend who she fucks on a regular basis“.

    It might seem trivial but this technique is a kind of self-hypnosis that can really help a man partially overcome his negative feelings about being a cuckold.

    For Wives

    Women enjoy modern cuckoldry in different ways depending on their temperament and up-bringing.

    • For some, it is about breaking a taboo and being a wanton woman.
    • For others, it is about some form of exhibitionism where they have the starring role in an erotic production.
    • A fun way to dominate their cuckold.

    When a wife wants to discuss with her husband the idea of using cuckoldry in their marriage, she needs to think how her husband might react to the idea of being a cuckold.  Under no circumstances should she just reveal her cuckold fantasy to her husband without careful consideration since doing so to a man who is highly cuckold-adverse would make it extremely difficult to ever get him to change his mind.  Instead, she needs to think about his personality and what type of cuckold he might be; voyeuristic or submissive and then act accordingly when planning her next move.

    One thing a wife might do is to try and learn more about her husband’s sexual fantasies by being observant and snooping around.

    When she has sex with him, does she recall anything that happened that might reveal something about her husband’s sexual roadmap? For instance, does he often approach her to have sex when she wears certain lingerie?

    During this exploratory stage, the woman might try doing some new things sexually to see how her man reacts to them – like:

    •  Try seducing him in a setting or location outside the bedroom.
    •  Introduce the use of sex toys or a new sex toy to their lovemaking.
    •  Use explicit language to describe her sexual arousal or the pleasure she wants or is feeling.
    •  Purchase some new risqué lingerie and surprise her husband with it.
    • Describe to her man a sexual fantasy or dream she had, adding to it in ways that he might find exciting.
    •  Purchase or download sexual explicit videos that feature cuckold-related themes like a woman with two men, sexual promiscuous “soccer moms”…etc, to view with her man.

    The woman needs to pay attention to how aroused he becomes when they are doing something that is new and different from their regular sexual routine.  Anything else, the woman can learn about her man’s sexual “triggers” which can help her ease him into the idea of being her cuckold.

    In the next instalment, I will go over some ways a couple’s relationship can change once they become involved and comfortable with cuckoldry.

  • Spank Me Again Please

    Spank Me Again Please

    My husband has the delightfully annoying habit of spanking one cheek and then walking away.  He knows I love symmetry and that I will chase ‘Him’ around the house positioning my fanny for him to spank the other cheek.  It’s annoying because my body is craving a little more sensual satisfaction and it’s fun that I have to go and ask for it after the first teaser swat.

    So what’s in the spank that keeps me coming back for more?  Well it’s really about position and intensity.  There is so much more pleasure to be gained from this disciplinary tact from childhood.   This is not the wailing, crying spanking from your childhood designed for pure pain and obedience, this is the grown up make it ‘hurt so good’ version.

    Butt Primer:

    Your glutemus maximus is a nice range of muscles covered with a light or heavy layer of fat.  You want to aim for the muscle as the tendons don’t offer much but a sting and an ouch.   Always aim for the muscles.

    1

    The really good news is that our butt cheeks have a ‘sweet spot’ or a shelf that thanks to our creator creates a sexual stimulus from intense impact.

    2

    Where is the sweet spot?  It is the reverse shelf.  The space between the depth of the buttocks and the depth of the thigh.  That’s the location of the most pleasure in a spanking.  Too high up on the buttocks it stings a LOT, to far around the sides your spanking the tendons and bones.  Hitting bone hurts you more than the spankee or bottom.

    I like symmetry, so if you spank the left cheek four times in a row, the right cheek will be waiting it’s turn.

    Developing a rhythm when you spank is easier with music, find an upbeat song with a rhythmic beat you like.   Anticipation is part of the excitement of a good spanking.  Once a cheek is stimulated the pleasure takes a minute to realize.  So spank and wait.  Let the spankee get a moment to absorb the impact and let the endorphins begin to come to the aid of the pain with yummy feel good chemicals.  You can notice this on the bottom by watching how the cheeks relax after spanking.  Watch carefully and alternate between spanking, kneading and stroking.  You want to knead the flesh you’ve just spanked so it distributes the endorphin chemicals deeper into the tissue.  That will allow you to spank longer and more enjoyably.  Stroking the surface will send chills of pleasure to the bottom and when you have a good combination of spank, knead and stroke you can be sure you’ll produce the wetness that makes this play a great starter for sex.   A well spanked bottom definitely improves the penetration stimulus from any position you choose.

    So happy spanking. Check out this music video for some inspired spanking music from Bulgarian hottie Emanuela. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCa9_5l-EGA

  • Modern Cuckoldry

    Modern Cuckoldry

    How and why a couple gets involved with a cuckold lifestyle are quite varied.  Below are a few of the pathways couples typical take into this lifestyle.

    Man initiated

    Firstly, some husbands (boyfriends) initiate things as part of a sexual fantasy about seeing their partner with another man.  These men mention their unusual fantasy to their partner and the woman reacts to it.  Quite often the woman become upset with the man.  She wonders if he is in some way rejecting her or looking to go outside their relationship himself.

    There are also men who become attracted to some type of cuckold lifestyle as they age and have less sexual stamina.  The husband who is 50-something finds he cannot get an erection as easily as he did in the past.  Some men develop a secret cuckold fantasy that is partly based on their voyeuristic interests and partly because they feel guilty that they cannot satisfy their wife.

    In any case, after resisting the man’s idea, some women change their mind when the right situation and man becomes available.  Eventually she becomes curious by the idea of having her existing relationship combined with the freedom to indulge herself while her partner remains faithful to her.

    Sometimes what was originally the man’s fantasy grows into a very different reality.

    Woman Initiated

    Less often the woman suggests introducing cuckoldry into the relationship for one reason or another.

    There are many motivating factors for a woman in a marriage that includes cuckold benefits.  The first and foremost is sexual variety but also having a marriage/relationship that is unequal in her favour with respect to sexual pleasure and freedom.

    Some of the typical motivations women have for initiating or trying a cuckold lifestyle are:

    • Breaking a taboo
    • Enjoying some sexual romance and adventure
    • Humiliating her husband or boyfriend
    • Being the centre of attention (i.e. Queen Bee)
    • Satisfying her sexual desires
    • Indulging in some form of exhibitionism

    A small number of women in “the lifestyle” only engage in extra-marital sex with partners that are exclusively female.  In these situations the women either enjoy their bisexuality or are sometimes actual lesbians who want to have a traditional marriage with a man but also enjoy indulge their innate desires.  The important factor here is that the husband must remain faithful to the marriage and his partner while she enjoys herself with female partners.

    The Cheating Woman

    For some women, they have never accepted the idea of being in a monogamous relationship; cuckoldry just seems natural to them.  Other women just crave variety, adventure or enjoy breaking a taboo.

    The trick for the woman who is “cheating” is converting the relationship and her man into a modern cuckold while avoiding any problems.

    Swingers

    Some couples that are into the swinger scene gravitate to cuckoldry in a gradual process.  As the man gets older, his sexual energies begin to wane while the woman’s sexual appetite remains the same or increases with age.  Quite often these couple make a slow transition to cuckoldry.

    Older Couples

    There are very traditional couples who, beginning in this lifestyle, start when they are in their fifties or older.  This occurs when a menopausal woman takes hormone replacement therapy (HRT) to combat hot-flashes and osteoporosis.  A side effect of this medication is a huge boost to the woman’s libido right when her man’s sexual prowess is diminishing.

    In these circumstances, the woman find herself sexually frustrated and unfulfilled while the man becomes depressed with his inability to satisfy the her.  Quite often both partners are relieved when they work out a cuckold-related arrangement.

    Second, Third… Marriages

    There are women who go through one or more tumultuous marriages and divorces before marrying the “right guy” or a “nice man”.  After some time in their new marriage these women find that something is missing in their marriage; that they crave a “bad boy”.  These women need to seek out men for sex that is completely different from their “ideal” husband.  Some women “back-slide” and call on their ex-husbands to provide them with the sexual satisfaction their nice ones can’t give her.  Overtime these women find that having a modern cuckold relationship works best for them.

    It is important to recognize that no two couples or situations are exactly alike.  There are literally limitless ways in which couples can engage in some form of cuckold lifestyle.

    The historical definition of a cuckold is a man whose wife is unfaithful and becomes pregnant by another man.  This breech of fidelity was considered very scandalous.  In many cases, the cuckold man did not know about his wife’s dalliances and the factor that an illegitimate heir was being raised in his house.

    In some cases, these old style cuckolds chose to ignore their cuckold status and remained silent about the wife’s infidelity.  If a woman’s actions did become public, the consequences for her were often dire.

    In modern cuckoldry, the husband (or boyfriend) is fully aware of his status and what his lady is doing.  In most instances, the cuckold’s direct knowledge of his lady’s activities is an important part of her enjoyment of the lifestyle.

    The following are factors that may help women enjoy their sexual freedom in a cuckold relationship:

    • Opportunity;  Now that more women are working outside their homes, they are often  provided with many more opportunities to meet men, travel for business …etc.
    • Sexual Advantage;  It is relatively easy for a woman to meet and attract men of her choice.  Using her flirtation skills, even a woman wearing a wedding band can attract men to her in many social situations.
    • Carnal Capacity;  The typical woman has a greater capacity to enjoy sex than a man. Many women are multi-orgasmic while men generally are not.

    Since modern cuckoldry is a taboo or fringe lifestyle, there are many practical matters that the woman and cuckold must address, like privacy.  Very few women would want their family, friends, neighbours or co-workers to know about their special lifestyle.  The couple should consider how they will protect their privacy with respect to their new lifestyle.

    No matter how things develop, it is important that a couple discusses things openly and not rush into anything.  For instance, some men may have a cuckold fantasy but are not ready for the reality of accepting their wife having extra-marital sex.  It is best to start slow.  Many cuckold-wanna-be men can quickly be overcome with their emotions which can cause problems.  Similarly, women can be overwhelmed with feelings of guilt or regret for wanting to try or actually having an encounter outside her normal relationship.

    When a couple decides they are ready to take the plunge into cuckoldry, there are things to consider in avoiding potential problems;

    • Prior to her engaging with another partner, the couple should discuss various scenarios that they both find arousing.  They should even go to a public place like a shopping mall where they pick out pretend partners for her to enjoy.  Looking out over a crowd, the husband would point out a man walking by to the woman.  She would then rate his selection.  She in turn would then pick out someone walking by that she though was desirable.  Each time, the woman would explain what she found attractive or unattractive in each selection.

    Doing this types of mental exercises will help prepare the man and the woman for the real thing:

    • The woman picks out a sex toy and has her man use it on her.  Before starting, the woman should give the sex toy a masculine name like “Andre” and tell her man about it.  She should tell her man that she is in the mood for some fun and to get Andre.  If needed, the woman should also instruct the man to prepare the sex toy by washing it and applying any necessary lubricant.  While she enjoys the sex toy she should occasionally say things to taunt the man like “Oh Andre, that feels so good”.  Even though this type of play acting might seem silly it really isn’t.  This is an exercise that exposes the man (cuckold-in-training) to being a cuckold-by-proxy where the woman is being pleasure by another “man”.
    • Draw up a cuckold contract to defined boundaries, requirements and expectations for both the husband and the wife.  One rule often defined in these agreements is that the woman will break-off any relationship in which if she begins developing deeper feelings of attachment for the other man.
    • The woman’s first extra-marital encounter is very important.  In all cases her physical and emotional safety must be a priority.
    • The husband’s (boyfriend’s) direct involvement and presence during the woman’s first encounter should be avoided in case he isn’t yet ready for the intensity of the event.  Overall, the cuckolds level of involvement with the woman’s activities is something to be considered and discussed before doing anything.

    One important aspect of almost all cuckold relationships is the way the woman keeps the cuckold connected and engaged with her sexuality while she enjoys her freedom outside their relationship.  The following are some examples of how a woman keeps her cuckold involved with her sexuality:

    • Telling him about an upcoming encounter she has planned or about a man she is interested in.
    • Have him help her prepare for a “date” with another man.  This can include taking her shopping for special clothes and lingerie.  Helping her bathe and dress for the date…etc.  Making it his job to put condoms, lube…etc in her purse before she leaves for her date.
    • After her date, tell him all about the other man, where they went and what they did including some of the sexual pleasures she enjoyed.
    • Tell him about any future dates she has or men she is interested in dating.
    • Sending her husband photos from her cell phone of things she does on a “date”.
    • Encourage her cuckold to express his feelings and concerns so she can address them.
    • Allowing him to meet her date and eventually watch her having sex with this other man.  Not all women are comfortable with this, especially early on.
    • Have the cuckold approach men she is interested in seeing to ask them if they would like to have a “date” with the woman.

    A woman keeping her cuckold man engaged with her in various ways is important to both maintain their relationship and ally his fears of losing her or their relationship.  This also helps engage one of the motivating factors for a cuckold – voyeurism, even if it is limited to just knowing that the woman is having an encounter with another man.

    Once a couple adopts a cuckold lifestyle they often find that their motivations and interests in it change over time.  For example, a wife that was at first only looking for sexual variety might slowly begin to dominate her cuckold in some ways.

    In the next instalment I will review some of the expected and unexpected issues that a couple might face as well as the emotional side to cuckoldry.

    Read Steve’s latest article on Cuckoldry & Pornography on SimplySxy.com!

  • It’s Only Kinky The First Time

    It’s Only Kinky The First Time

    Hi there,

    When the creators asked me to write a column for Smply Sxy, I thought what else is there to say about kink exploration that you haven’t heard before?  Then it hit me, maybe you hadn’t heard what I’ve researched and learned from half a century of kinky play.   In Los Angeles, we have dozens of public play dungeons, nightclubs and private play parties to keep you out every night of the week.  It’s a weekly competition to do something new in the kink scene here.

    file2901246197549I frequently receive email and calls from people looking to explore that secret sexual desire that is just beyond the normal penetrative sexual experience.   I call it your ‘kinky itch’ that won’t go away.   We know that the way to mastery is through information and practice and with kink it’s just a lot more fun doing the lab work.  By expanding your erotic intelligence you grow a new set of intellectual muscles, intuitive skills, emotional connections and spiritual resonance.

    When you begin your exploration of kinky sexuality you pursue better health.  Psychologist Esther Perel in her book “Mating In Captivity” describes sexual fantasy as important and necessary to feed our ‘emotional hunger’.

    Sexual fantasy is like a dream.  Dreams are the subconscious way of communicating your emotions and issues in metaphor and stories that hopefully you can interpret.  Ignore the dream and they get stronger and can become nightmares or a repeated story that won’t go away.   Pursuing the ‘kink itch’ feeds the emotional need and curiosity your body is expressing.

    How kinky are you?  Well there are thousands of fetishes, some healthy, others not.  You need more than sexual drive to manoeuvre through what works for you and this column will hopefully be that guide and mentor along the way to save you from the bumps in the road.

    So your job is to ask the questions.  Send them anonymously if you like.  I’ll share the answers I have learned and also what I’m hearing, seeing and feeling in the dungeon.

    I aim to be pleased,

    Mistress Serene

  • INFOG: Most Bizarre Male & Female Fetishes & Fantasies

    For the most part, many fantasies and fetishes are normal and healthy. However, some take these desires to disgusting — and sometimes illegal — levels. Here are some of the most unusual things that turn people on.

    fetishes04_conteudo2-shorter2_pink-text_darker_box_emenda01_
    Explore more infographics like this one on the web’s largest information design community – Visually.