If you’re looking for a little sex to boost your self-esteem, here are but a few reasons why sex and self-pity make for an awful combination.
Sex; very few people on this planet could actually do without it, and less still avoid falling into the trap of assuming that it is the perfect way to lift the spirits.
Look, I’m not saying that it isn’t, under the right conditions, sex is cathartic, intimate and one hell of an anti-depressant. But one-night-stands behind rotten toilet stalls in a dingy club with half a liter of your favorite mood lifter in your stomach more often than not is never what it’s cracked up to be.
Sex is pleasurable, so why wouldn’t it make you feel better when you are at your lowest? Well, if you’ve actually got the energy and attention to put yourself out there and get it, then you are likely not suffering genuine depression (which has a tendency to incapacitate you); it is more likely then, that you have a simple case of self-pity. And when this is the case, using a one-night-stand to pull you out of the rut might seem like a quaint idea, but let’s face the music; you are lying to yourself and you know it.
But before we can go into how sex and self-pity makes for a bitter pill, let’s explore the nature of self-pity a little more closely:
What do I mean by Self-Pity?
The thing about self-pity is this, it is often the result of things not going your way (as opposed to depression which is by all means clinical). It is an expression of disappointment in yourself. While it may often come out as unhappiness at things not going your way, it is almost always a projection of letting yourself down.
This is not uncommon, in fact I would safely wager that everyone goes through this at some point, but it is the coping mechanisms that people choose to use when dealing with this that can make all the difference.
You might find yourself turning to the gym for excessive exercise; a week long spree of video games in your underpants; indulgence in alcohol or drugs; eating an entire cake; or turning to one of life’s greatest pleasures, sex, in an attempt to combat the self-loathing brewing in your gut as though it was some bathtub moonshine.
The trouble with indulging in carnal pleasures such as these, is that they are often an unnoticed means of dishing out self-punishment; an immediate pleasure which you will pay for later in one way or another. But when your esteem is low, it is easy enough to say ‘Why the hell not.’
Yet with each moment spent losing yourself in these quick fixes, you are essentially giving yourself more reason to hate yourself at a later date, you are ensuring the continuation of a cycle of self-loathing that will only break when you do. And this is where sex can become a source of despair, as opposed to the uplifting activity it is supposed to be.
Sex: The Best Medicine or Bad Juju
Sex is often closely related to self-respect (although to be candid this is a concept more familiar to woman than men). This is because of its power to appeal to, and demonstrate your worth on the basest of levels. It’s easy to see why ‘getting plenty’ can make you feel more attractive, more desirable and more worthwhile as a human being.
Unfortunately, when self-pity is the driving force behind your urges, it could be pointing to a deeply seeded problem:
So here is the question you should be asking yourself. Am I using sex to blow off steam and feel better, or am I using it as a tool to prove my worth? Do you remember those girls (and boys I suppose) in high school who were a little chubby, weren’t all that confident, or seemed to be trying to fill a void that would commonly land them legs up in a random bed?
What did you call those people? What were they looking for? Did they ever find it?
Self-assurance
In their desperate attempts to prove they’re worth, so many people turn to pleasing as many people as possible, all the while unknowingly chipping away at their own self-esteem as tales of their sexual escapades spread like wild-fire.
This has a tendency to create a vicious cycle however. One where your sexually excessive lifestyle leads you down a path where you feel worse about yourself since you almost feel yourself becoming emptier, sluttier and less capable of loving others and yourself. Then, finding value in your ability to completely satisfy a woman in bed, you tend to keep the wheel moving by trying to satisfy as many as possible.
While this sounds fun, the spiral sinks ever deeper until you feel dull, sex is emotionless (and boring) and you move down ever darker paths and fetishes that further compromise your integrity and your ability to experience meaningful, intimate sex.
It becomes a simple action, you numbly go through the motions, usually reveling in it with woman in a similar situation, slowly but surely realizing that you haven’t been using it as a means for upliftment, but rather self-punishment; a purposeful denying of your own value as a person. But that is not the only danger to using sex in this way.
The Addiction Factor
Cigarettes calm you down, alcohol makes you jolly, drugs take you away from your troubles and sex boosts your ego. These are all universally accepted truths. But they all come with severe warning labels attached.
Using any pleasure inducing substance (or in this case activity) to pull you out of slump might provide a short-term solution to your problems, but in doing so can often create a reliance on it. You begin to associate sex with happiness; and in doing so, unknowingly foster a need for it. An addiction.
Casual sex becomes ineffective and you begin rooting through darker corners for something a little more interesting. I’m not a big fan of the gateway drug theory but in this case, it stands.
You don’t believe me? Try this:
Spend a week watching as much porn as you can. Try and be aware of how your preferences shift as you do. At first, a straightforward video of two people going at it will suffice. Keep it up however and this will bore you. Before you know it, you’ll be scrolling through Asian lesbian pets, bondage orgies and (heaven forbid) felching fetishes.
And when you are done and your wits are back about you, let’s see how long you can keep the video playing before despair and self-loathing forces you to close the window as quickly as humanly possible.
Sex is no different. If anything, the process makes you feel worse.
Terrence Kennedy is the man’s man on a journey to self-discovery. A traveler, extreme sports aficionado, an observant wanderer, a DIY-Know-How, an ultimate outsider and a documentarist of culture, sex, dating, relationship, fashion, style and gentleman’s etiquette. He has learned a lot through his escapades, and is happy to pass that knowledge on to you.
Image Sources:
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/80/Fetish_Fashion_2012.jpg/1280px-Fetish_Fashion_2012.jpg
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/b7/Tako_to_ama_retouched.jpg
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/19/Glove_of_love_(19070388685).jpg
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