Category: Lifestyle

Q! Film Festival: The Celebration of Queers in Indonesia

Q! Film Festival returns for the 13^th time this year. Being the first and only film festival in Indonesia dedicated to screening movies focusing on the theme of gender, human rights and HIV/AIDS; Q! Film Festival marks the celebration of the LGBT community in the predominantly Muslim country.

Q! Film Festival was initiated by freelance journalists and movie enthusiasts in 2002. Supported by local institutes and foreign cultural centers and embassies, Q! Film Festival plays films from all over the world. This year, a total of 107 films were screened in 10 venues in Jakarta. They are Kineforum, Salihara, Institut Francais Indonesie (IFI), Goethe Institut, Sekolah Tinggi Teologi Jakarta, Lembaga Bantuan Hukum (LBH), Angsa Merah, Arus Pelangi, Paviliun 28 and Bina Nusantara University. Previously, the festival was also held in Bandung, Surabaya, Medan, Batam, Yogyakarta, Malang, Denpasar, Maumere and Makassar.

Being in the country regarded as the world’s most populous Muslim nation in the world, the existence of LGBT is still considered as a deviance in the society. In 2002 and 2003 respectively, the launching of the festival were marked with the protests from Muslim fundamentalist groups. The attack got into physical threats, demonstration, and lawsuits against the committee in 2010. Meninaputri Wismurti or Putri, the current festival advisor, had to deal with the fundamentalists face-to-face. She noticed strangers following her home. She also received mysterious packages such as bible and dead animal as well as random phone calls even up to this day. They also threatened to rape her to “straighten her up” while she is actually straight, just because she was involved in the festival.

Putri started to volunteer in 2002 when she initially came to the screening as the audience. She worked her way up to becoming the volunteer coordinator in 2007 and now serves as the advisor, programmer, and sponsorship executive for the festival. On her active involvement in the festival, in spite of being straight, Putri believes that we should never stop seeking knowledge, and nurturing compassion, humanity and empathy for a better understanding of ourselves and others.

In 2012, the police rejected the announcement letter of the festival and requested a recommendation letter from the Indonesian Ulema Council stating whether the festival is Halal or not. Due to the letter was not feasible to be acquired; the festival had to be extended for a month because many venues withdrew their participation as they were worried that the police could not protect them.

In 2013, though, the police did the job well as the citizen protector for the festival. This year, Q! Film Festival is celebrating the ingredients that make us 100 percent Human.

The festival was opened with the film Quick Change from the Philippines. Set in Manila, it tells the story of a community of transgender who yearn for instant-changes in their lives as well as their physical features. Will a quick change make life better for them?

Representing all genres, the films include a mother-(gay) son relationship in the movie Eat With Me, the journey of finding your true self in In The Absence of The Sun, and the based-on-true-events biopic of gay life in Europe in the 1950s, The Circle, which won the best documentary and audience award in Berlin International Festival 2014.

The festival also provided free HIV test and counseling to the participants in collaboration with Angsa Merah Clinic. The audience could come to each facility to get a test confidentially, and they would receive free counseling services as well.

Jimmy, 26, a marketing event professional attended the festival for the first time out of curiosity. He felt that the LGBT community had been misunderstood a lot by the society and he wanted to know why. After the screening of The Circle, Jimmy admitted that he enjoyed the movie because it depicted how difficult being gay was in 1950s and how hard they worked to pioneer gay emancipation. Jimmy hopes that the festival would encourage LGBT people in Indonesia to embrace who they are.

Farida, 24, a social media strategist, attended the festival a few times. As a straight woman, she wanted to know more about the LGBT life. She realized that the lives of LGBT people are not easy and came to appreciate their struggle more. Farida hopes that the community will receive equal treatment and she is looking forward to attending the festival again next year.

The mission of Q! Film Festival is to provide options of alternative films to Indonesian audience as well as to educate and raise awareness on queer and human rights issues. The Q! Film Festival is now the biggest queer film festival in Asia, in terms of number of film screenings and number of days. It has also been acknowledged as part of the Teddy Award Section of Berlin Film Festival called “Teddy on Tour” since 2006.

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December 6, 2014
Sometimes Sex Workers Want To Speak For Ourselves

Being friends with and/or supporting sex workers shouldn’t need a guide. It should be no different from being friends with a dentist or a firefighter. Unfortunately, however, the masses are generally uneducated on how to deal with their relationships with sex workers and therefore, often make mistakes that make us cringe. But, alas! I am here to bring you a useful guide, so that hopefully you will not make the same mistakes and understand that being part of our world will be no different than being friends with said dentist or firefighter.

The first mistake I often see people making is talking over me. “I’m friends with, or know someone who is, a sex worker, so listen to all my knowledge about it!” That’s never a good idea. It would be like someone crying for help because his heart wasn’t working right, and me walking up and saying, “Don’t worry, I know a doctor! I can help you!” I would not pretend to know about a profession I was not part of, yet sex workers are talked over constantly by people who have never lived a day in our shoes.

The next thing is: don’t ever out me. Now, I spend a lot of time talking about how I’m outted to everyone. I wear sex worker support shirts, stickers, tell people if they ask what I do for a living. “Yeah, I work at an arcade, and I also take nude photos and sexy videos.” That’s just me, and it certainly isn’t the majority of sex workers I know. Not even close. Nor does that mean I want my friends telling people I’m a sex worker before I do. It’s just rude. Don’t do it. Not only could you possibly be endangering your friend’s life, but you are once again speaking over us. Let us do the talking. We have voices, even if the media portrays us like we don’t.

Which brings me to my next point. I don’t want you to “save me.” I’m not friends with you, or acquaintances with you, or someone you reblog from Tumblr occasionally, so that you can try to “pull me out” of my career path. Attempting to convince me I can “have it better” is some of the most offensive commentary I receive. And I receive it a lot. I’ve had people told me that they’d be there for me when I realized it’s too emotionally draining being a sex worker.

Never have I once claimed it was, but they took it upon themselves to make that assumption about what I was doing. A person I’ve known for six years informed me that sex work would make me lose faith in love. Never have I once lost faith in love because of what I do. I’m happily in a supportive relationship and she must know that, because it’s right there on my Facebook. The assumption that I would have to develop a coping mechanism to do what I do is something pushed and pushed by the media. And while it may be true for some girls, (I have, after all, witnessed girls who get drunk every time they do their jobs just to be able to cope) assuming it’s true for all of us is a bit mind-boggling. I would never be able to do what a doctor does—to be able to tell people they’re going to die, to look at their insides, to have peoples’ lives in my hands—but do I create stereotypes for doctors due to my inability to even comprehend doing what they do? Of course I don’t.

The most important thing you can do, whether you’re close friends with a sex worker or you just follow them on a social media website, is communicate with them. Find out about us as individual sex workers. Spread awareness for sex worker rights. Support us, while giving us a voice. I am tired of being silenced, and it’s usually, sadly, by feminists, who think they can, as mentioned above, “save” me. As a feminist myself, it’s tormenting to see such stuff said about my profession constantly. And do any of them actually speak to us? Or stop talking over us for two seconds in order to get our take? Of course they don’t.

The most useful piece of advice you can take from this guide is: listen to us.

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December 3, 2014
“Hi, No String Attached, Right?”

My friend decided to download Growlr – a gay-dating app for chubby, cub, bears, and chaser. When he was setting up his profile, he had to ask me what the meaning of “No Strings Attached” is. He though he had to use his G-Strings to sexually attracts someone. Or he asks someone to use his G-Strings. I said “No, you are totally wrong.”

No Strings Attached is just a relationship that has no condition or contractual requirements, where two people decide to engage in a sexual relationship that has no ties or expectation with regards to finances, exclusivity or romance. Literally, there are no strings binding the two together. In other word, No Strings Attached is some kind of casual dating or friends with benefits.

“So, why would someone want to have a relationship like that,” he asked.

The most important thing when downloading a gay-dating app is, not to expect too much from someone that you have messaged. According to my experience, 80% of people profiles always states No Strings Attached. It is no doubt that gay culture is usually identified with finally-in-bed or casual sex. I have also installed Growlr, but since my profiles states Friends and not No String Attached, I did not receive many massages. Can be said that the signification of possibility to have sex is quite big?

The relation of no string attached is not always occurring with gays and lesbians. The straights people also have casual sex. One of my friends told me that she does not want to have a relationship with a man. She prefers to have a fuck buddy but she does not reject that someday she will get married and quit this kind of activities.

No strings Attached is not common in Southeast Asia, at least in Indonesia because the perfect relationship is a relationship based on love. The Indonesian culture is frown upon pre-marital sex, treasuring virginity is a must. But some Indonesians who live in big cities, like in Jakarta, are for them as they do not see it as big deal. The No strings Attached is nothing to do with the issues of virginity.

I am not trying to be an academic source. I only want to provide basic knowledge for peoples who do not understand No Strings Attached in the form of an ideology. So do not be surprised if one day you have friends that love this kind of relationship. They are not a slut! Because they know consciously choose what they want to do with their life.

My friend who downloaded Growlr gave a nod with a puzzled look. I said to him, “Do not be confused, you can fill your profile with whatever wish. If you want to have a fuck buddy, save sex and always use condom. It is up to you now!”

And he typed No Strings Attached!

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November 29, 2014
How Normal Are Your Sexual Fantasies?

The concept of “normal” changes all the time, not only chronologically, as it also varies heavily from one culture to the other. Having said that, we’re globalized enough to get a feel for what “normal” feels like in most places on the planet. For the most part, we all try to be normal; we all try to adapt to society’s standards in order to live our lives, not get killed and not get arrested, which are almost always good ideas. There’s probably no other instinct as primitive and visceral as our sexual fantasies. We’ll have them even when we don’t want them. Even as I write this paragraph, I’ve already stopped twice to daydream about a girl I met this week. They just won’t stop!

But as like any uncontrollable impulse of the brain, we don’t have full control of what works to get our juices flowing (so to speak). Images and scenarios that we might not be actively searching for may pop up in our minds. Sometimes when we’re asleep, or when we’re driving, or when we’re writing an article about the normality of fantasies and suddenly think of this spectacular… Ah, damn it!

But what does “normal” mean, really? Because what’s shocking to one might be a completely ordinary thing for another person. Also, while society gets slowly liberated of its hang-ups, the normalcy in which certain fantasies are interpreted will differ. Therefore, any report of what a heinous or unnatural thing might be interpreted as, could easily shift into a pretty commonplace act in another time and context. I’m sure in the 1940s, many heterosexual dudes fantasized about getting pegged in the ass with a dildo by their loving wife, but admitting that on any survey—even if guaranteed complete anonymity—was tremendously unlikely.

A team of researchers from the University of Montreal in Quebec, Canada published a study on the Journal of Sexual Medicine that intended to give a clearer outlook on how typical—statistically speaking, at least—many different fantasies are among adults. How can you do that? Well, asking, really. The scientists presented over 1,500 people (799 men and 718 women) with a questionnaire that suggested 55 different sexual fantasies (mostly common, or at least not unheard of) and asked them to rate their agreement with each scenario on a scale of one to seven. If the rating was over three, they’d count it as a fantasy.

“Clinically, we know what pathological sexual fantasies are: they involve non-consenting partners, they induce pain, or they are absolutely necessary in deriving satisfaction. But apart from that, what exactly are abnormal or atypical fantasies? To find out, we asked people in the general population, as simple as that,” said Christian Joyal, lead author of the study. “Our main objective was to specify norms in sexual fantasies, an essential step in defining pathologies. And as we suspected, there are a lot more common fantasies than atypical fantasies.”

That’s right! That little kink you have that you might think is a little weird and felt guilty about might be more standard among your peers than you thought.

“Only two sexual fantasies were found to be rare for women or men, while nine others were unusual. Thirty sexual fantasies were common for one or both genders, and only five were typical. These results were confirmed with qualitative analyses,” the study claimed on their abstract results, “Submission and domination themes were not only common for both men and women, but they were also significantly related to each other. Moreover, the presence of a single submissive fantasy was a significant predictor of overall scores for all sexual fantasies in both genders.”

Of course, certain scenarios are expected, but the interesting thing about sexual fantasies is that they come without any kind of disclaimer. You don’t need to be in one or another way to fantasize about something, it’s just a thought, a curiosity about something that you may not have in your everyday routine.

“One of the most intriguing findings has to do with the significant number of unique male fantasies, for example, regarding shemales, anal sex among heterosexuals, and the idea of watching their partner have sex with another man,” said Joyal. Another interesting thing about the study’s results is that men seem to be much more into actually making the fantasy happen, while women tend to be more comfortable with it just being a fantasy. With this in mind, it’s important to note that a significant amount of women (nearly half!) expressed interest in being dominated, tied up, spanked, hit or forced to have sex. These were just fantasies, though, as they specified they didn’t necessarily want those to come true. There was stronger differentiation between fantasy and desire in women. Guys seemed much simpler than that.

If there’s one thing that writing about sex and porn has taught me, is that there is no such thing as an un-exploitable niche. I don’t care how weird/twisted/impractical/scary you think your deepest and darkest fantasy is; chances are there will be at least a few people who will be extremely enthusiastic about that same exact thing. What is “normal” changes too. 50 or 60 years ago, homosexuality was considered by many—scientists and likewise—a horrific deviant tendency that was even treated with electroshock therapy to “correct”. Now people know better; perceptions have been (very slowly) improving.

But even the legality of certain acts, regardless of the subject’s sexual orientation, is still a sore spot (seriously, no pun intended) in the United States. Anal and oral sex were still criminalized in many states until 2003 under the sodomy laws, and several states have not formally repealed their laws against sexual activity among consensual adults. Of course, no one can arrest you for your fantasies. It’s the beauty of them: They’re all yours and they don’t (or shouldn’t, anyway) bother anyone.

So, are your fantasies normal? Maybe, maybe not. Either way, who gives two shits about that? Like what you like, dive in and enjoy yourself. Life is complicated enough, your fantasies are meant to be the escape.

Dan Gutierrez for BaDoink.com

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November 28, 2014
Tips for new Sex Workers

You see a lot of “Advice for sex workers” posts that cover the basics of DOING sex work. Selling content, taking pictures, whatever. There are certain parts of the job I never see anyone talk about. I live by the rule that everyone should have to figure out certain things by themselves as I truly believe that you cannot develop as an individual if you don’t forge your own path without other models spoon feeding you their experiences. Some of the below tips are things I learned on my own, things that I’ve seen some models never learn.

1. Don’t be so trusting.

I know what you’re thinking; “But Ryden! He offered me $1000 and all I have to do is shave my head on cam first!” (This is not a lie, by the way. There was, in fact, a man going through the SW circuit conning women into shaving their heads on cam and not paying them afterwards.) You do not, under ANY circumstances, work before getting paid. Think about it for a second. You can’t go to the store, grab your groceries, and then say “oh, yeah, I can’t pay you guys for these delicious groceries until tomorrow! You can trust me!” Our work is no different. You cannot let the money seduce you. You’ve gotta keep a clear head. If your customer offers to pay you afterward, just say something along the lines of “I would feel much more comfortable if you paid me first.” If they’re actually interested in the content, they’ll be understanding and either pay you first or request that they cam/buy/whatever when they have money. That is what a respectful customer would do. If they can’t respect that, they probably didn’t have the best intentions anyway.

2. Be nice, but know when to stick up for yourself.

Let me tell you a little story. When I first started out, I had a really bad attitude. I was very rude to people who were just genuinely curious and didn’t know any better. I also did a lot of body shaming and said some pretty hateful things regarding other women and other models. I lost a lot of sales and dedicated customers because of this, and it’s really not cool. Many models, like I did, believe that this will show people that they are strong and will not take shit. This is not the case. It’s more likely that people will see you as intimidating and threatening (of course, this is partially acceptable for models working in certain outlets such as Dommes, but it just doesn’t work otherwise.) HOWEVER, this does not mean that you should not stick up for yourself at every given chance. If someone challenges your beliefs, you drag them right into the ground. Never EVER ignore your own personal beliefs and values to come off as nice and sweet. This is when you come off as a strong, independent babe that won’t take shit from anyone. There are times to be kind and there are times when complacency just won’t do. Know where the line is.

3. Treat other models as you’d want them to treat you.

We work in an industry that has enough stigma attached to it to cover the entirety of Canada. Seriously. We’re whores. We’re on drugs. We’re bitches. We’re poor. We’re rich. We’re lazy. We’re work-obsessed. We’re greedy. Anything you can think of. The absolute very last thing we need to do is put each other down. Sex work isn’t a ladder that you climb and step on other women as you attempt to reach the top. We all have to co-exist, even help and support each other. For the most part, none of us conform to that stigma. However, when you treat other models like crap in order to make yourself look better or be “funny”, you make us all look bad. You actively damage sex work as a whole.

4. Put your health, both mental and physical, first.

I cannot stress this point enough. I know how easy it is to get caught up in the job and let yourself get stressed. Sex work is a high-stress job, and we receive more hate than any other work force I’ve seen. Sometimes, you’ve just got to say “Is this important enough for me to stress myself out over?” The answer to that question is always no. No job is important enough to throw your mental and physical health out the window. When you feel like it gets to be a little too much, do NOT hesitate to take a day off. Run yourself a bath, read your favorite book, go on a walk, or just stay in bed and watch Netflix. You are more important and your customer base will know that and will understand. If the stress is enough where you think you can’t do the job anymore, and feel that maybe it’s time to quit, don’t feel badly if you decide to. For many, sex work isn’t a permanent job. Sometimes, you just have to know when it isn’t right for you anymore, especially when it’s affecting your health.

While a lot of us sex workers, especially those of us on social networking, may seem intimidating, we’re all really nice and mostly willing to help (assuming you’re not asking for us to hold your hand and give you the easy way out). This stuff is never easy and you can really feel helpless sometimes. As long as you follow these, do your research, and go with your gut instinct; you’ll be just fine.”

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November 25, 2014
7 Quick Tips on How to treat Women on a Date

Gabriel Lamur, the best quality escort Companion for women, Sydney, interstate and worldwide, shares 7 quick tips on how to treat a woman on a date.

1. Before you start thinking about the actual appointment, you need to understand exactly what you want from the girl and what she wants from you.

2. Do not let her wait for you at the first date.

3. Be polite

4. Be a gentleman

5. Be a good conversationalist as well as a good listener

6. Compliment her

7. Be self-confident and mature, offering a single rose on arrival followed by a compliment to the lady. I have a good connection with women and to me they all beautiful.

Interested in finding out more about Gabriel? Visit his website at http://themalecompanion4woman.com or follow him on twitter @Gabrielescortau

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November 23, 2014
How sex and motherhood helped me love the skin I’m in

Life’s lessons come from the least-expected places. Sometimes it’s surprising to realize that a lesson is the result of two distinctly different experiences. For example, I learned to love my body via fetish parties and motherhood.

I was kinky before I was a mother, so I’ll start there. Fetish parties offer a wide array of visual candy: costumes, deeds, body types. A play party was the first time I saw real bodies being worshipped regardless of what they looked like. It was also the first time where I felt I might fit in just the way I am—no need to lose weight or revamp my look to fit an unachievable ideal. No. Here, people showed up as their most glorious selves, exactly the way they are and adorned in line with their personal proclivities. Thin and willowy in painted-on latex? Somebody loves it. Voluptuous curves spilling out of a tight-laced corset? Someone wants to play. Aging and loves a cracking whip? There’s a new partner excited to meet you. All of these bodies are capable and deserving of pleasure. What a difference from the airbrushed images we’re served by the media.

Through participation in these events, I learned that my body is perfect for me and a potential partner’s attractiveness is not based on physical “perfection” but mutual interest. The desire to play and connect with another person is interesting and exciting beyond any superficial visual stimulation.

Next came motherhood. I tell you folks, nothing gets you in touch with your body like pregnancy and living with small children. I feared that after all the radical growth, stretching, swelling, breast-feeding and being touched by anyone with hands and advice I’d never be the same. And I’m not. But I’ve gained a better relationship with my body. Instead of being horrified by my soft belly, I love that it provided a warm home for my babies and it’s where they land for a cuddle. Although the extra cleavage was sometimes awesome, I’m glad that my boobs are no longer so hugely engorged and thank them for the years of nourishment they’ve provided.

I’m gentler with my body now. I listen to its subtle cues: the need for rest, when water is a better option than coffee, and the difference between running errands (can be draining) and running around to play tag with the kids (can be energizing). Mostly, I’m learning to appreciate what my body likes and needs so I can be both: sexually fulfilled and Mommy.

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November 22, 2014
A Beginner’s Guide to Becoming a Sissy

I am frequently asked about training ‘sissies’, which is one of my favourite kinks—forced feminisation. Just for those who are unaware, a sissy is a person (usually a man) who adopts feminine-like behaviour to the extreme, and takes part in stereotypical ‘feminine’ activities, often within the context of BDSM. It takes a lot to become a true sissy but this is a short ‘beginners’ guide that I have put together to help those who want to become a true sissy. Let’s take those first steps into sissidom together.

1. Personality

Number one on my list is personality. I have seen so many sissies who just don’t have the correct attitude. You need to adopt ultra-feminine behaviour. To help with this, I usually make my girls watch films based on the lives of transvestites first. A quick search on Google will pull up quite a few. This is just so you can see what it generally is like. Keeping a diary also helps by keeping those emotions at the forefront of your mind. Women are generally more emotional than men so this conditions the mind to become more feminine. It also helps to choose ‘womanly’ activities over the more stereotypical male ones. Maybe take up a form of dancing, or fashion design or baking is another popular option. It is also considered wise to remain in chastity whilst training. A number of devices can be purchased if this is required.

2. Hair

If you are already blessed with long, beautiful locks, then lucky you. However, most beginner sissies do not have this luxury and have to find a quality wig. When choosing a wig, try to buy it in a store and it is also always preferential to choose a quality-made wig over a cheaper one. This is because the look, feel and movement of the hair will be much more realistic. Choosing a colour that suits you is also very important. You can do this by trying on different colours in the shop until you find the perfect match. The hair style is also important. Many wig specialists will be able to style the wig in the store to suit your face shape and personal style.

3. Beauty

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but if you have heavy, masculine features, makeup can really help to drastically change how your face looks. It can make your cheekbones stand out, slim your jaw line and nose and enhance your best features. It really is amazing. The core of any beauty regime is always the skin. If you have good skin, then you can work on the rest. Be sure to cleanse, moisturise and tone daily with quality products. There are many makeup tutorials online for transgender ladies which will also help sissies hide their more masculine features and enhance those beautiful feminine ones. Personal hygiene is also very important so be sure to shower or bathe as regularly as needed. And don’t forget your mani-pedi. Having a manicure and/or a pedicure really makes you feel ‘put together’. It also adds a very feminine touch.

4. Clothes

Last but not least … clothes: the one thing that really makes a sissy. Some of my girls had brilliant fashion sense when they came to me. Others, sadly, did not and required much effort on my part to become what they are today. It is good to start with the undergarments. I think some nice pieces of lingerie such as satin panties or a lace bra really make you feel feminine. But ultimately, you are going to want to compact the panties and fill the bras. Breastforms are something you wear to shape your bras and provide breasts without the need for surgery. They also come in different sizes which is very useful. Vee strings are something I learnt about more recently but basically, they enable the wearer to tuck away any ‘unladylike’ parts whilst allowing the user to pee sitting down like a lady. Some of my girls have even employed the use of a waist trainer to accentuate that desired feminine waist. Ultimately you want to choose the best style for your body shape. Styling for your body shape takes time, practice and lots of effort. Shoes are the ultimate feminine weapon. The beauty of a high-heel never goes unnoticed but again, walking in these can take time, practice and effort. This is something you definitely have to practice. I advise to start with a low heel and work your way up to the desired height.

There are so many tutorials online to help with sissification, I have many of them on my Pinterest so feel free to browse and contact me with any questions.

Images courtesy of Mistress Winter
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November 16, 2014
Kinky Kinks
Sex or sexual intercourse is always hot and steamy on the first or maybe second time but what comes after is the mundane routine of in and out and in and out and … well … you get the idea. So I begin to wonder what can be done to spice up the relationship … sexually. So I asked around, including Mr. Google, and did some exploration (with my partner of course) and tried many possible kinky moves, which led me to some sassy information to share with all of you.

Rope & Blindfold Playing
The run-of-the-mill being tied up and blindfolded works almost every time as my partner pretends to be a pervasive intruder exploring every part of my body, looking for spots that sends my body tingling with joy. The moans and screams (at times) serve as human radar for him to know if he is near or reaching a g-spot. It is most exciting when he hits a spot that makes me go “woah” without any anticipation as he maneuvers along my body.

Sexual Role-play
Expanding from that, role-playing can really unleash one’s creativity to the max where anything and everything is possible. Combinations can include soldier vs. prisoner, police vs. robber, king vs. jester, kidnapper vs. kidnapee, pilot vs. air-steward, servant vs. gardener, bellboy vs. hotel guest, power ranger vs. monster and many more. While the possibilities are infinite, please do not engage in dangerous acts such hanging down from ceiling with ropes of questionable quality, or banging too hard and causing the bed to fall apart. On top of which, there are many shops out there that offer rental of costumes at pretty affordable rates.

While much of these information can be found online, some things can be discovered as gays … oops I mean days go by.

Blow Cock Blow
Don’t be stingy with the blowjobs, really, as I’ve never seen anything works better than a good blowjob. When I say blowjob, one does not simply wrap da mouth on the cock and suck away. Treat the cock like an UFO that you want to explore every inch of before you start the engine. Move from the “cock-pit” to the “opening” and slowly give the touch-and-go with the tongue, as if things will go haywire when the tongue stays too long. Following which, the exploration of sides, top and bottom is important before embarking on the journey to orgasm.

All About Positioning
While a business shop front is about location, location and location, bedtime sex front is all about position, position and position. With two sticks and two holes, the permutations and combinations of positions is almost limitless. While doggy is the preferred position for most, missionary, 69 and see-saw seem to work better for me and my boo. No one position fits all; there is always a preferred position for each couple.

The Don’ts
Exploring is important, but there are boundaries that one should not cross. I have seen a few examples of kinky games gone wrong (not by me though) and I sure hope the below will serve as a caution and reminder here.
- Melted hot sugar is not like wax as they retain heat much longer. Thus, can cause a nasty burn or even peelings when poured onto bare skin.
- Handcuffs are harder to take off in time and emergencies which can put one in dangerous position. Just stick to ropes, we are not really kidnapping anyway.
- Don’t use toys too often as they can be cause infections and STIs if not sanitized properly, resulting in nasty rashes and skin problems.
- Threesomes break up more relationships than enhancing them, no one who loves their partner deeply will want to see them being penetrated or penetrating another person.
- Please leave live animals alone as they are not meant to be involved in anything sexual with humans.
- NEVER EVER use drugs or pills as they impair one’s judgment. The greatest medicine for sex is love and nothing beats that.
What works for me and my partner is not universal, and so it is important for two people in love to explore what is best for them and what takes them to the next level of the relationship, sexually … *wink*

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Image courtesy of Shutterstock
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November 14, 2014
9 Things I Learned From Cats About Relationships
This week (Sept 24 to Oct 1), I am on my fourth of four personal retreats in Bangsar, Kuala Lumpur in Malaysia. Read my previous posts about why I am on a personal retreat, why I cried coming up from Singapore, what’s in my grocery bag and my rain dance!

I am fortunate in being able to retreat in a beautiful space in exchange for cat-sitting service. I found out about and paid to be listed as a house-sitter on TrustedHouseSitters.com. Now if I can go from being afraid of cats, to staying with, and being trusted by them, you can too! Check out how I overcame my fear of cats here.

There is a saying that cats have nine lives. Inspired by my two wards, I like to share nine things I learned from cats about relationships this week:

1) Take Care Of Yourself

Cats spend an inordinate amount of time each day sleeping. Apparently, cats sleep an average of 15 hours a day, and some can sleep up to 20 hours in a 24 hour period. It is true since as soon as Padstow and Bangsar are done with breakfast, they are winding down for a long day of slumber. The house is quietest in the mornings before they come alive again between dusk and dawn.

How many people do you know neglect proper rest or sacrifice sleep? Often, it’s not even due to work! Are you guilty of wasting time on Facebook? Or online games? Perhaps you are burning the midnight oil at both ends – sleeping late and waking early, feeling grumpy, ill of sorts and counting the hours till the weekend?

Well, it’s pretty basic. People who don’t have enough rest don’t perform at their optimal level – and also don’t feel like having sex. Are you taking care of yourself – before you try to take care of others?

2) Enjoy Your Food

If there is one thing, the cats won’t miss: it’s their food. Once they hear me opening the cupboard to their food, they come racing towards me. If they don’t, I know they’d want me to call out to them. Bangsar wolfs her food down, while Padstow licks before tentatively chewing hers down. Yet no matter how greedy Bangsar is, she will never eat more than she needs – even if she manages to get to Padstow’s share.

I know some people who mistakenly perceive quantity food as quality eating, who devour vs. savour, or who constantly over-indulge in food and then justify their behavior. All I am saying is that there is a difference between healthy eating and senseless gorging – and none of it has anything to do with weight.

I have not been a food-lover most of my life – consequently suffering from chronic constipation and stomache bloatedness. I’ve recently learned that I am gluten intolerant and am having a new relationship with food and my body. Food can be a practice on consciousness all by itself. Through food, we can practice mindfulness, appreciation, gratitude, joy and even ecstasy! What’s your relationship with food?

3) Live in the Moment

Cats don’t lose sleep over sleep, or worry about their next meal. They certainly don’t seem to be pondering over some deep philosophical truth like the meaning of life. They just are living – moment by moment. If I bet a million dollars on what they’re thinking at any given moment – short of what they have right infront of them, I’m guessing it’s nothing.

I know of people who are stressed, repressed, and depressed. They are usually over-thinking, over-analysing and over-doing just about everything. They are relentless on others and especially on themselves. Live in the moment. What’s that?

Meditate? How?

Try. I can’t do that! I’ve never done it before!

Do you want to control your thoughts, or are your thoughts controlling your life?

4) Stay Sharp

Did you know that cats are natural explorers and are constantly on a quest for the unknown? Bangsar and Padstow certainly tried to sniff everything I was eating, as well as get into whatever I was using or touching. In addition, cats have an innate righting reflex as it falls in order to land on its feet. Cats have a natural urge to scratch: the action helps them remove old material from their claws, and they mark territory with scent glands in their paws. More than once, Bangsar used her claws on me – for fun. What’s might be funny to her certainly isn’t to me!

Growing up, I was known to be quite a terror. Well meaning friends and relatives would tell me that I need to “control” my temper but nobody ever taught me how. Back then, I couldn’t help how I felt and how I hurt others, so I became afraid of my temper. It was only when I began my journey of inner work that I realised I was so focused on reducing my dark/ shadow side that I didn’t realise that working on my light side was important. The more compassion I developed, the less out-of-control episodes I experienced. The more self-acceptance I felt, the more the positive sides of my temper emerged (which often was righteous anger). My temper finally became my tool, my edge, my claws – and I now call upon it when needed through lenses of compassion.

Are you quick on your feet? Is your mind open, curious and nimble? And if called upon to be used in an emergency or crisis, are your claws sharp?

5) Get Along

Each day, Padstow and Bangsar have their share of tiffs or play-fighting. Each, however, lives to tell the tale. The naughtier Bangsar seems to be the one provoking and winning all the time, until you see how zen Padstow gets back in her own way. And while Bangsar often steals Padstow’s food, it took me a while to realise that it was more a matter of Padstow letting her. When Bangsar was in heat during my first visit, I saw how Padstow tried to comfort her, including offer her own share of food. That’s comradery for you!

For a long time, I didn’t like and consequently didn’t try to do small talk – believing it frivolous and useless. I had a mind-shift when I brought my attention to the needs of the people I sought to connect with, and recognised that small talk was what they needed to build rapport, and trust. It wasn’t until yesterday that Bangsar trusted me enough to curl up asleep on my lap. Small victories!

Are you a leader or team player? How comfortable are you with small talk? Are you able to get along with people?

6) Ask for what You Need

Cats can’t speak, but they know how to ask for what they need or want through non-verbal communication cues and signals. I have a routine of meditating in the morning. I would fed the cats first before settling into a designated chair to meditate. Now three days in a row, the cats would poke at me trying to draw my attention. Am I ok? Am I asleep? And why am I ignoring with them?

Since we can speak, then why are there still misunderstandings? Lots of couples communicate but they do not seem to be communicating effectively. One of the things that consistently come up is that couples do not ask for what they need, want or desire from their partner. Even people who are perfectly articulate seem to have difficulties with this: Asking.

Is it true that the asking with relation to sex and intimacy is any more different than any other kind of asking? It appears that sex has become the elephant in the bedroom. Here are two of my articles which migh be useful about talking about sex in the bedroom – part 1 and part 2.

7) Different Strokes for Different Folks

Bangsar and Padstow have different personalities. Zen Padstow is slower to warm up to strangers, but no less loving. Bangsar was already checking me out in my bedroom the first night I arrived. Bangsar eats faster. Padstow is subtle – less is more. As such, I interact with the cats differently as well.

How many parents treat and discipline their children the same way? Is fair really fair since they are two completely different kids? I know I was crying even before I was caned growing up, while my sister remained calm on the outside. Don’t cry, she’d advice me. It’d pass more quickly if you don’t. I never could not cry. I was traumatised – feeling the pain of the cane on my body before it would even strike me. I didn’t know what I know now – I am kinesthetic and I feel the world through my body in a way that perhaps my sister never did.

Are you more Visual (sight), Auditory (sound), Kinesthetic (touch), Olfactory (smell) or Gustatory (taste)? It’s not enough to know about oneself. How about the natural tendencies and preferances of your partner, loved ones, or children? More here. How about their innate love language? More here.

8) Pay Attention to Boundaries

Cats can’t speak, but they are effective communicators. They recognise their names, and usually come if you call them. More than that, they do know about boundaries. They may not understand what exactly what you say (meaning), but definitely the way you say them (tone). Bangsor certainly knew when I was more shocked than in pain when she scratched me. No, Bangsar! Stop that! Enough! She knew… alright.

It amazes me how many people do not discuss relationship boundaries, much less parameters in the bedroom. The concept of authentic consent and the need for compromise and negotiation does not occur to many. They leave their voice at their door, fearing that speaking up would spoil the mood. He/ she should know what to do. If he/ she loves me, they will just know. Only idiots won’t know.… Such beliefs get nobody anywhere.

Conversations around no are important, because when you have it out in the open – when it’s been clearly communicated; then safety, trust, opening, receiving and surrender can happen – in profound ways.

9) Follow Your Ecstasy

As a sexologist, it fascinates me to no end that a simple thing like scratching a cat at their pleasure spots – top of their head, or under their chin, seemed to be bring it into an altered state of pleasure. This cat looks orgasmic! They know what they like, and how they enjoy being touched. They would shift their bodies, angle themselves, push or brush against you in ways that feels good to them. Nothing matters – after sleep, and food – to pleasure. It feels good to give and it feels great when you get it right, because you are duly rewarded with their undescribled looks of bliss.

Men and women who have difficulties with ejaculation or orgasm would do well taking the time to be first comfortable with their bodies, allowing themselves the time to self-pleasure, and following what feels naturally good and letting it expand. For when we are relaxed and connected with our sexuality can truly ecstatic experiences begin to emerge – slowly at first, then easier over time, and then one day… it is there for the taking… all the time. Out-of-this-world, blow-minding, and knock-your-socks-off moments are possible – if you only start.

Do you follow your bliss? Is it important to you? What do you do to feed your joy or pleasure on a daily basis?

There you have it: the nine things I learned about relationships through cats. Did I miss anything out? Let me know! I want to hear from you below!

I like to invite you to view:
- How I rediscovered my love for the rain here.
- How I overcame my fear of cats here.
- What’s in the groceries bag of an Eco-sexual here?
- Find out why I cried on the bus on my way up to K.L. here.
- Read my previous post about the first of my 4th week-long retreat here.
- Check out how you can run a self-retreat here!
This article and all associated images have been republished with permission from Dr Martha Tara Lee.
Please visit Dr Martha Tara Lee’s website to view original post and more of Dr Martha’s work.

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November 13, 2014