The shameless expression of sexuality and the act itself has been, for many places and eras throughout history, deemed as a forbidden fruit. And while admittedly, that can be part of its charm, (like all things that are considered naughty) I truly do love it best when it is an outspoken subject. Even though not everyone can relate to loving sex, or to finding power in it, there’s almost nothing more enlightening to me than “breaking through” the barriers inside myself; the ones that were created by the society in which I grew up in; to find peace and normality in its subject. And with that, to find artistic beauty and euphoria in your own body and in your pleasure, as well as in the body and pleasure of other people. Because after all, not everyone is cut out for reserving their sex life to a shadowy, private bedroom where only one pair of eyes will ever get to see what you have to offer. If that’s your cup of tea, great. But for others, that is like fitting squares into circles.
I would say that I’ve had quite a lot of sex for my age, and have definitely been fortunate with my partners in that department. I look back at my past and present sexual experiences with a vast amount of fascination. The alchemy that I create with my partner is often the marque of the relationship. It’s not the foundation, but it has always been the cherry on top. Sex is awesome. I feel a great deal of empathy for it, especially when it is expressed artistically. It fills your brain with natural chemicals that demand for you to block out the world and concentrate on chasing desire until it surrenders. Or it can just be plain beautiful. You can have a bad relationship, but you can never have bad consensual sex. I – for one – would never want to allow that.
My First Time
It was two months before my sweet sixteen. As the moment ensued, I remember knowing that I was confident and ready. It was not my first opportunity, but it was the one I felt most ready for. It was a relinquishment of sorts, not planned and yet not exactly freely given either. I just knew that I wanted it to happen, very much. Recalling his facial expression upon feeling how narrow my hymen was around him is my favorite part of the whole thing. Yet I almost laugh now thinking about how awkwardly I had performed – in a way that definitely made my inexperience obvious, of course. But I had been looking forward to it, ever since I knew what sex was. One detail in following through with its action I want to mention is that it was intentionally done as a one night stand. I know him somewhat, but there are and never were any strings. The reason for this is because I feared the thought of someone thinking that they owned my heart and my life just because they had popped my cherry. I didn’t want to be thought of as being sexually meek and easily stuck-on, but someone who was confident in themselves. And that if someone wanted a relationship with me, it would be because they wanted me for who I was, not because my sexuality had only belonged to them. That was an important point that I went out of my way to make for myself. It was not a point to be promiscuous all the time, because I never really was. Simply put, it would allow me to seek out something more emotional afterwards without having that fear. It was the right decision for me; not right for everyone.
I remember that it hurt to an extent despite the gentleness, and that it was obvious that I didn’t quite know how to move or please him – at least, no where near pornstar level. My hymen area and inner muscles felt so numb that there were times I wasn’t sure if he was even inside (but don’t get me wrong, his size was considerable). It mostly felt like an enormous amount of pressure which left me breathless and excited. No regrets there, except for one – that I can’t have it happen again!
Then after a parting hug, I immediately experienced a really strange feeling. The anxiety that had been within me was enveloped by a calm atmosphere in the room. I felt powerful and in control. Content. Like there was a giant weight lifted off my shoulders, or a huge amount of knowledge that I had inevitably discovered and was letting settle. It’s difficult to put a finger as to why that happened, but it was mesmerizing.
With Experience And Practice…
This is obvious, but it becomes more and more fun as my skills are honed. Different partners liked different positions, among other things, so with experience I was able to offer a few surprise moves that were pleasantly received. I became more able to make suggestions that my partner might not have ever tried if not for my involvement, such as anal. That is the number one thing that distinguishes myself from how I was then to now. The versatility of the performance, made possible by the knowledge collected from previous experiences.
When it comes to more intimate situations, one would think that I would have it all down and be completely fearless. Sometimes I am, but truth be told with each new partner a bashfulness is reborn – until that person becomes my boyfriend. Or not. I guess it comes with the territory of being more physically inclined than emotionally inclined. My current partner, however, has been able to work some kind of magic on me and has made me much more of an emotional person. This has allowed for a more affectionate kind of sex, with small but powerful bursts of the roughness that I’m used to. So while I have been softened up around the edges, he still makes sure that the sex remains raw and exciting. So even though I thought that I was the one who was going to rock his world and bring him something he never experienced before, maybe the tables got turned on me – and now I am the one who is learning something new.
20 year old Cam Model and erotic content creator. In social media, I go by the alias MoonConjured but am more personally known as Alira Latex. I’m a visual artist by aspiration and admire all practices of creativity. Follow me on Twitter @MoonConjured, Instagram @MoonConjured, ManyVids www.ManyVids.com/MoonConjured and Chaturbate www.Chaturbate.com/
Featured image courtesy of MoonConjured
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