Although I am currently in a monogamous relationship (I just had a baby, I’m not in at a place in my life where I want to focus on anyone but my child and her father) I have explored having multiple partners and being in an open relationship.
With apps like Tinder and immediate access to pornography we’re left searching for more than the same person we’re intimate with for years. As humans, redundancy can get well, boring.
I was once a very jealous person, putting all of my self worth into the hands of my partner. When I learned to love myself more than anyone else, I started to explore what is called “compersion ”. Compersion is the act of finding joy in another persons joy. Instead of feeling jealous, imagine feeling the excitement and glee your partner gets from falling in love with another person. Sounds impossible right? Well, it’s not.
The key is loving yourself. The key is putting all of your self worth into your own hands, and not letting anyone take that power away from you. When you’re full of self love, you can begin to feel joy and gratitude in your heart when you see the person you love exploring another person. In theory this is what I felt, and I put it to the test.
I learned three lessons from exploring being in an “Open Relationship.”
1) If the girl respected me, and I liked her, I was a happy camper.
I let my boyfriend fuck one of my best friends next to me. He asked for permission first, and I said yes. While he fucked her he looked over at me, half asleep, and I gave him a high five.
2) If the girl didn’t respect me, but I consented, I felt okay.
We had a friend of a friend over one night, and although I didn’t want to sleep with her I gave my boyfriend permission to. She was the type of girl who needed the males’ attention in the room, and I didn’t click with her. When it was over I felt a little violated, her ego had been stroked, this was a game, and I was the loser.
3) If I didn’t know beforehand, I felt betrayed. Consent is key. Communication is key.
My partner had received a blowjob from another friend of a friend, I hadn’t learned about it until a few days later and although I tried to play it cool. I was deeply hurt though.
How To Know If Polyamory Is Right For You
Polyamory isn’t right for you if you: “Don’t want to know about it”
For instance, if your boyfriend tells you you’re expendable and you’re paying his rent, and that he also wants to be in an “open relationship” and you reluctantly agree because sharing him is better than losing him, being in poly isn’t for you. Also, you should probably break up with him, he sounds like a scrub.
Polyamory is right for you if: You know that with or without a partner, you are secure with yourself and will be okay.
Polyamory isn’t right for you if you: “Can’t talk about your feelings”.
For instance, if your girlfriend asks for your permission to have sex with your brothers’ friend, and you agree because she let you sleep with other people and you feel obligated but deep down you can’t tell her you don’t want her to, polyamory isn’t right for you.
Polyamory is right for you if: You feel “drawn to multiple people”. Poly means many, amory means love. I once had seven boyfriends, they all knew about each other, and I had some of the best times of my life with them.
Polyamory isn’t right for you if: You put all of your validation for your self worth in other people.
Why It Works For Some But Not Others
The reason polyamory works for some but not others is communication, communication, and communication. If you had to have a limb amputated, you would handle it a lot better if you were told first, and then had the procedure done. We can prepare for the “pain” mentally before hand, and alas it won’t be as strong when it happens.
Negative Assumptions About Polyamory
I think when we think of polyamory, we think of psychedelic commune hippies and their “free love”. We still have a culture that believes in ownership of other people. It’s hard to grasp the concept that someone doesn’t “belong” to us.
3 Important Things For Polyamorous Relationships To Work
Self love, compassion, and communication.
Aali Kali – Aali Kali is an American adult actress. She is currently writing her first novel. She advocates for sex workers and for self-love, self-acceptance, and self-compassion.
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