“The principal of individualism is actually related to the Devilish element, insofar as the latter represents a separation from the divine within the totality of nature.”
Marie-Louise von Franz
I recognize individuation as a basic human need. We are compelled to express our unique perspective, along with our collective and tribal identities. To distinguish ourselves as separate, yet part of a larger group. These dynamics are often conflicted, yet mutually necessary. Kink and alternative lifestyles help to solve for this paradox in a way that’s playful and deeply symbolic. In BDSM, the individual is upheld as a crucial part of the whole. It shows us that we can be separate yet cohesive with others. Differentiating the self from the group feels dangerous, rebellious, and alluring. There’s a feral, elemental quality to that sort of selfishness. We play out these specific roles in BDSM, which are often polarizing. The tension between opposition and unity generates the entire experience. It’s through acting out and exploring specific identities, that S&M can thrive.
Kink also fosters a space where we’re able to share and honor the taboo or hidden parts of ourselves with others. Through S&M, we embrace what makes us different, even transgressive. In the mundane day to day we often repress or contain certain impulses because they are socially unacceptable. This can actually become a mental disorder in extreme cases. Yet in the realm of (safe, consensual) BDSM, we are free to embrace those darker, weird, or perverted aspects of the self and put them to use constructively. Acting out our lower natures in an intentional way, instead of disowning part of what makes us human. I find it can be intensely therapeutic, and liberating. That kind of opportunity is hard to come by.
The Appeal Of BDSM
Alternative lifestyle and kink is considered “fringe” or a niche portion of society. Yet it’s actually an incredibly complex realm of possibility. It can take on so many different meanings and interpretations. Which really grants each person the opportunity to make it their own. I think this really appeals to our artistic impulses. Not everyone identifies as a traditional artistic type. Yet kink offers adults the chance to become playful and creative with each other.
Its recent popularity in mainstream culture does not come as a surprise to me. Social media and entertainment thrive on trends and provocative imagery. The unique quality that BDSM presents makes a thrilling contribution to our over sexed media. We’ve become largely desensitized to risqué content, so the emergence of kink effectively reigns in our short attention spans. At least for now. On a more subtle level, I think it also serves as a catalyst for us to work out our collective issues with power dynamics. There’s a lot of conflict and division apparent in our culture today, and I view BDSM as a metaphor to help address these issues.
Types Of BDSM I’m Into
I’m asked this question fairly often. Overall, I’m a Sapiosexual, I like to know what makes people tick, and how to push their buttons with exacting precision. Though I act out more of a dominant role in BDSM, I would actually consider myself to be a pleaser. I truly enjoy facilitating for others and taking creative control. Ironically, it’s my natural passion for serving others which makes me a compelling dominant. My empathy and concern allows for me to intuit what they desire and fear. Which is incredibly beneficial when tasked with controlling and directing a scene. It’s an honor to be entrusted with responsibility, secrets, and fantasies in this way. Kink has taught me a great deal about human sexuality, instincts, artistry, timing and communication.
Introducing Kink To Someone New
When introducing someone to kink, I always encourage open communication before, during, and after the session. This helps to create a collaborative experience versus one you’re being subjected to. It also helps to lay down a foundation for future scenes by carefully exploring boundaries on the first few occasions. A bit of nervous tension is to be expected when working with a new partner, or trying a new technique. Even for those who are veterans of kink. The key is to transmute that anxiety, into excitement. BDSM is supposed to be exhilarating, provocative, and a bit risky. Having that sense of anticipation actually helps to build a memorable scene.
If any excessive tension arises, we can balance the energy with sensual activities such as body worship, tickling, tease and denial, massage, or simply taking a break. My approach is always to start simple, with increasing intensity as the scene progresses. It’s better to be patient and methodical, because once you violate a boundary, it can be difficult to come back from. Better to be overly cautious and to build anticipation, than to over exert and ruin the scene. When I meet with curious new clients, I typically suggest starting with really light fetish and BDSM methods. If they have something a bit more extreme in mind, I view it as a goal we can work toward, or start
Tips For Beginners To Get Started
Initiation into BDSM can be a bit daunting because there are so many facets to explore. The most satisfying approach I’ve been able to discern, is to lead with your desired feeling state. Ask yourself, “How do I want this experience to make me feel?”. Then find corresponding activities that are likely to elicit those emotional responses. This may require some experimentation, but by leading with the desired feeling state— you’re more likely to discover what truly appeals to you. To help narrow this down, define keywords that resonate with you. Such as, I want to feel powerful, feminine, manipulative, overwhelmed, insatiable, worshipped, owned, vulnerable, sadistic, humiliated, or objectified. By having each partner select several points of focus you can flesh out a simple plot to satisfy these cravings. This process is half the fun in my opinion, because it requires collaborative effort and ingenuity. Using your imagination to craft a scene like this is quite intimate, and yields better results versus a scene filled with kink for the sake of being sensational.
I’d like to add that over time our desires naturally evolve and expand. So kink can be an ongoing inquiry into what inspires and motivates us at any stage in life. It’s best to keep an open mind, you may surprise yourself. When I was a student of the visual arts, we were frequently tasked with drawing live models. In order to better understand the overall process, we were also tasked with modeling. Switching roles grants the artist with a dual perspective— of both the viewer and the viewed. The result is a better drawing and a better model. This same wisdom applies to kink— embrace role reversals. Try everything at least twice. Don’t be afraid to experiment, and fail. Nothing is a waste, and challenging yourself to try something new will always prove illuminating. Many reputable Dungeons require providers in training to first serve as subs before being entrusted as a top. This cultivates a healthy respect for the tools, timing, limits, and what it feels like to be vulnerable. First hand experience is always the best teacher.
Arden Adamz – Arden Adamz aka Sydni Luxe is a Dominatrix, Erotic Consultant, and Writer based in Philadelphia. With over a decade of experience in the Adult industry, she’s currently writing a How-To book for those interested in sex work. Private consultations and coaching are available via webcam or live at her studio in Philadelphia, PA.
Follow Arden on
Twitter: https://twitter.com/arden_xoxo
Email: sydniluxe@gmail.com
Images courtesy of Arden Adamz
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