SimplySxy

Tag: Sex

  • The Morning After Sex

    The Morning After Sex

    Was it good for you?  That should be the first question that comes to mind after a night of sex with a new partner.  You can rate it 1-10 if you like, but you may find the feelings are more like “Hell Yeah!” you don’t want it to end, or what the hell was I thinking?  Or how drunk was I?  Or worse, I thought that was going to be good sex.  Let’s look at what to do before and after:

    Hell Yeah, that was great and I hope we can do it again soon.  Well then do.  Touch your partner again and let new sparks fly with the lights on, I bet it will be even better.  Either way, pull out another condom or the first one if you forgot last night and smile.  Don’t be afraid to make the first move now, I think you’ve successfully made a home run and you can go up to bat again, unless of course there is work or school responsibilities which either of you have to get too.   If so, tell your partner you would love to do it again if it’s true, but you gotta go.  Elayne Boosler does a comedy routine about a female walking home from an all nighter in her skimpy black dress in the morning that’s pretty funny to have in your head while you make your exit.  Accept that your partner may have to run or may not feel the same about the night.  If so, be gracious say thanks for the good time you had and leave.  Don’t lie with an ‘I’ll call you’, just don’t.

    How drunk was I?  Alcohol, weed or other drugs helps you drop your guard and your judgement.  Or as my Mom would say, ‘you loose your good sense along with your drawers (panties)’.  You may be drunk but there is no reason to take stupid risks.  Use your drunkness to help you relax and get past your fears of trying something or someone new, asking the Tough Questions and learning more about your partner.   The downside of not asking are quite serious so let’s look at the way to make them opportunities:

    • Did you talk about safe sex?  Use your uninhibited boldness for good and blurt it out: ‘Are you disease free?’ or ‘Is there something I should know about sex with you?’
    • Did you use protection?  Again, automatic behaviours like pulling out the condoms or dental dam from your purse or pocket makes it clear that you play safe.
    • What’s in it for me?  My husband taught me this one, that if you don’t ask, you don’t get.  So if the kissing is good and you are feeling the heat of passion, whisper in the ear that sexual move that really rocks your boat and guarantees a happy ending for you.  Then ask what they like as well.
    • Where we going?  This is a toughie when you are young and living at home.  If it’s his place, you gotta have a back up plan.  Back in the 80’s when I started, stumbling into a guys trashy apartment was such a turn off, I was afraid to turn on the lights.  And when morning came I was so grossed out that I left right away.  But if either of your places is out of the question, the back of a car option will have to do.  It’s a classic place if you have a car, and then you only have to worry about location.  Keep a pillow, blanket, condom, and tissues for clean up at all times in the car please!  Stay in the parking lot with the other night partiers is better than driving off to some place darker and quieter where the cops or burglars may interrupt you.

    I thought this was going to be good sex.  But instead it was like flopping around with a dying or dead fish.  Good sex is a skill that takes practice.  Nobody starts off as a great lover, so going slow and enjoying the steps of building passion is the best advise I can give you for knowing what you like and learning what your partner likes.  Good sex in my bed means both partners had an orgasm inducing experience.   And if you didn’t orgasm and your partner did and fell asleep right away, that makes for a long uncomfortable night of not sleeping and getting mad when they start to snore.   So let’s go back and analyse this one:

    1.  If you can ask for a drink, you can ask for an orgasm.  Remember what my husband said, you gotta ask for what you want.  I know by now you can order off a menu, so you also need to ask for the experience you want to have.  You have a fantasy about what great sex will be like, so share your fantasy.  Whisper it in your partners ear prior to removing clothes so it gives them time to think and plan better or ask you for details.  Communication is Sexy.  Anyway you say it, shy, bold, flirty is adding the instructions to create a good experience.

    2.  No two bodies are alike.  Your erogenous zones are not like the others.  Again, you wouldn’t know if you don’t ask.  Play the game, ‘how does this feel?’  Try something, get a response and then say ‘your turn’.  This gets you in the practice of exploring the right direction instead of wasting time irritating your partner with the wrong stroke, while they are silently hoping you’ll change positions or move to something else.

    3.  Don’t stop talking now.  Speak up once you get into bed.  “Stay here”, “move to the left”, “sit back a little”, “touch me back please”.  All these key phrases go a long way in getting a mutually satisfying experience.  I think the biggest mistake couples make is that they stop talking when they get in bed together.  You can’t go into automatic pilot now, you both have to steer to get where you want to go.

    4.  If you are with a dead fish, pause for a moment and ask if they are comfortable and where they would like to be touched or what would feel good for them.  They may not know so play the ‘how does this feel game’ and get the communication going.  If you are with a flopping fish ask them to lay back and let you play a little more.  It’s your way of taking the lead and taking the pressure off your partner’s urgency to get there orgasm.

    Remember, your first priority is YOU. Your satisfaction, health, respect, feelings.  That will take communicating with your partner on how to get there and in turn, you both learn how to take care of yourself.  That way they don’t have to wish they read this article because you’ve just trained them.

    The Tough Questions – Pregnancy, STD’s, Marks, Bruises or Pain.  These are all serious morning-after questions and you can avoid most of them if you communicate before hand.  Informed consent is the responsibility of both partners.  Making the decision to have sex is something you do before, as it saves on the regrets later.

    Will they call again?  Maybe, but the question for you is ‘was the experience worth repeating?’  Did you want more just like it was or did you hope to improve it next time?  Look at the experience as a one time event and judge whether you would do it again based on what you know now.  If you liked it, be thankful and the opportunity for it repeating will come again.  If not, focus on what shifts you need to make to get the experience you want.  You want to repeat the fun experiences, not the bad ones so learn from them and make it the best sex ever!

    Images courtesy of Shutterstock

  • Uncuffed: An Intro to Kinky Exploration

    Uncuffed: An Intro to Kinky Exploration

    If you are a curious beginner looking to explore the multiple facets of kink with your partner, whether that means buying your first set of handcuffs or acting out an intense fantasy, there are three guidelines to start you off…to get you off.

    Communication with your partner is crucial to having a good kinky time.  If this is your first time expanding your sexuality and testing your comfort zone then there is a lot to talk about with your partner.  It can be a little awkward at first to address these sometimes new and edgy topics, and that’s okay.  You’re allowed to feel a little uncomfortable.  Start out slow when addressing kink with your partner; maybe mention you read an article or an erotic story online about some light bondage and a blindfold and were wondering if your partner would be open to tying you up (or vice versa) with a tie or fuzzy handcuffs and blindfolding you with a scarf.  Sometimes it is easier to begin with small changes to your sexual routine to get more comfortable, before experimenting with more intense changes, like replacing that scarf or fuzzy handcuffs with rope or leather bonds.

    It also can be helpful to give each other a verbal outline of what will happen (at least the first few times) so there are no surprises that your partner may not be expecting or enjoy.  For example, if you are tying your partner up and then blindfolding them, explain to them how and what you will tie them up with, and explain that you can stop at any time if you or your partner becomes uncomfortable.  Talking it out is a great way to reduce any stress or nervousness you or your partner may experience during this new adventure you are embarking on together.

    Consent is also a critical piece of kinky exploration that ties (pun intended) in well with communicating with your partner.  Consent is so important for you and your partner’s sexual experience.  After talking to your partner about wanting to trying that light bondage, or wanting to be blindfolded for a little sensory deprivation if your partner does not want to try those things you need to respect that.  Consensual sex is the best kind of sex, and if your partner feels obligated or bullied into trying these kinds of things, it likely will not be enjoyable for either one of you and will not make for promising sexual exploration in the future.  If at first your partner does not seem too keen on the idea of incorporating these new kinky ideas into your sexual repertoire, that’s okay.  You might try showing your partner that article or erotic story you read that gave you the idea in the first place, or looking into some literature for kinky beginners.

    If after reading up on kink through articles, books, or erotica and your partner is still hesitant, you should respect that and just give it some time.  Let the conversation rest for a while, maybe your partner is stressed at work currently or is having difficulty within their family.  Showing you respect their decision and/or can wait for other areas of their life to settle down will show your partner you respect them and honour their consent, and may keep your partner’s mind open to consenting to some kinky fun in the future.

    Lastly, after you have discussed what you are going to try with your partner, how you are going to try it, and have received verbal and (maybe a little nervous) enthusiastic consent, you need to keep safety and sanitation in mind as well.  This basically means using safe products for you and your partner, and to have a basic understanding of the kinky toys you might try using before actually using them on your partner.  For example, if you are going to use handcuffs, make sure you know how to easily get in and out of them.  Or, if you are going to use any sex toys like vibrators or dildos, make sure you know what they are made out of and know if those materials are healthy for you and your partner (be aware of latex and other kinds of allergies).  After you are done using toys, make sure to wash and store them properly too for next time.

    A final word on safety; depending on what you are choosing to explore sexually with your partner, having a safe word may be beneficial.  Having a safe word, like “red” for stop or “yellow” for slow down, or something silly like “watermelon”, can give you and your partner confidence and security in your kinky exploration.  If what you are experimenting with gets too intense for one of you, you can stop whenever you want by using your word.

    Keeping these three simple rules in mind: open communication, consent and safety for you and your partner while you begin to experiment and broaden your sexy horizons, will hopefully lead you both to a healthy, confident, (kinkily) blossoming sexuality.

    Images courtesy of Shutterstock

  • Asking and Giving Consent for Sex

    Asking and Giving Consent for Sex

    Consent

    When it comes down to getting jiggy with your partner, consent is a huge question mark.  Often, people get confused when there are mixed signals, which may lead to unwanted sex (sexual assault or rape), even if people didn’t mean to.  A simple “Let’s go over to my place after dinner” could be misconstrued as an invitation to sex, for example.

    To many, consent is a simple question followed by a “yes” or “no” answer, but one of the biggest challenges with this is that it’s often awkward to simply ask for sex.  Additionally, the widely perpetuated myth that when women say “no”, it means “yes”, adds unnecessary uncertainty to how the answer should be interpreted.  So what are the various ways that we can encourage the act of asking and giving consent in a more subtle manner without losing clarity?

    Let’s come up with a spectrum of comfort levels between any relationships.

    1)     Extremely comfortable (couples who are having sex frequently and already enjoy it)

    Even though a couple can be in a long-term loving relationship, it doesn’t mean that we can take sex for granted. At this stage, it is alright (even sexy) to ask for sex upfront, where a “no” should not be taken personally as a rejection.  It is more likely that your partner is tired, or not in the mood, or stressed.  It has got nothing to do with you.  Trust your partner that any rejection to sex is not necessarily an indication that the relationship is not going well or that he/she no longer likes you.  Although couples have their own form of consent, they should still be sensitive to body language and cues, especially because people (and their sex drives!) change over the course of the relationship.

    2)     Comfortable (couples who have sex occasionally or do not talk about sex openly)

    When you’re in the stage of a relationship where expectations seem to fall out of the sky, assumptions and unspoken “rules” develop.  Enjoy unravelling and clarifying what these differences are, because what you think should be a given, may be completely absurd from another’s view.  This is a good chance for you to strengthen communication with your partner; to discover whether the established patterns and behaviours in asking for consent might perhaps be pressurising/ not entirely mutual/ worked previously in the relationship but is now annoying.  At the end of the day, you must reflect on why he/she is sleeping with you to ensure that it is out of mutual desire and not duty or pressure.

    3)     Neutral (Just getting to know each other or friends transitioning to lovers)

    Take your time at each stag,e from holding hands, to kissing the person at the door, to hugging; so on and so forth.  At any point where you feel that there might be resistance, stop and ask.  “Is everything okay?”. “How are you feeling?”  When it comes to asking for sex itself, “Should I go get a condom?” is one of the many great ways to suggest sex (and also making sure it’s done safely) without being too blunt at this early stage of the relationship.  Other suggestions include:

    –        Is it okay if I ________?

    –        Would you be comfortable if we _______?

    –        I would like to ______ to you, but only if you want to as well.

    4)     Strangers (One-night stands or flings)

    Suppose you meet someone at a bar you’re interested in (and both of you are sober), you start chatting him/her up and doing the usual courtship rituals.  You are sexually attracted to the person and not sure if it’s reciprocal.  It is always better to err on the side of caution; do not have sex with the person even if he/she hints at wanting sex either with body language or innuendo.  At this stage, it is very easy to misunderstand actions especially when you have never interacted with the person before.  Therefore, be as clear as possible, maybe almost blunt; it may be unromantic but it is better to be sure of the boundaries than to disregard the other person’s feelings.  When miscommunication does occur, be the bigger person and apologise without insinuating that he/she led you on.

    Consent boils down to showing respect and listening to your partner, as well as being sensitive to body language.  When you respect your partner, it often makes you a more desirable lover because you exhibit maturity and understanding.  Open and honest communication may seem awkward at first, but it brings relationships closer and builds trust and security in your love-making.

    Images courtesy of Shutterstock and SlutWalkSG

  • Is Cock and Ball Torture for You?

    Is Cock and Ball Torture for You?

    Don’t ask me why some men like having their naughty bits punished with cock and ball torture (CBT), but they do.  And my favourite bottoms are the ones that really, really do.

    So picture the scene: I’m at my favourite dungeon on a Saturday night.

    In walks a 4B – Beautiful, Buff, Bald, and Black, I call this the 4B’s of Destiny, because he is, destined to play with Me.  Then picture him naked.  His brains, name or height don’t matter, just enjoy him oiled up and blindfolded.

    I check the time, this scene could last two hours and since I didn’t get a nap before starting to play at 11:30 pm, two hours of intense poking, slapping, hitting, pumping, and twisting can wear me out.  Then we must be in a space conducive to fluid spillage, arm and leg room to swing and kick, and seating and/or laying options.  I like my bottoms to be as comfortable as possible for the pain I inflict.

    Nerve endings are beautiful things.  The more sensitive the skin area is, the more nerve bundles there are to play with.  They register pain and pleasure faster, and when syncopation occurs, the nerves can no longer distinguish pain from pleasure.  Just watching the body writhing in reaction to the stimulus of slaps, strokes, or bites can bring the utmost delight.

    Since I’m in the mood for stingy vs. thuddy pain tonight, I choose my instruments carefully.  Knives are the first course to start my encounter with his skin.  I trail the cool flat stainless steel blade slowly, watch the skin and fine hairs prickle in response.  Then I dip the tip, creating pools of just enough pressure but not enough to pierce through the skin.  Whether I use one blade or two, I create a symmetrical dance undulating across the smooth surface.  I put on a pair of my Love Bites Vampire Gloves and lightly touch flesh.  His skin is all goose bumps now, and I head to his throbbing cock.  He’s uncut, and the extra sensitivity is what will drive him crazy with craving and mad with the intense pleasure.  I slowly wrap my hand around the head, pulling the foreskin.  He jumps and then leans into the gloves’ grip.  He tosses his head back and forth, shaking it violently to clear the flood of chemicals in which he is now drowning.  His body has signalled that I have him where I want him.  Skin shudders as the nerve endings are sending both pleasure and pain messages to the brain.

    A study from Radboud University Nijmegen in the Netherlands shows that men’s cognitive performances were impaired when they were around women.  I was shooting for maximum cognitive failure, and the limpness of his arms, the surrendering of his cock to my use, made it clear he was mine to do with as I pleased.

    It felt like I raced through the next hour and a half, teasing his flesh, making his body arch and moan.  His pool of pre-cum made a sticky mess everywhere.  I knew he was aching to cum and each time the tip of a blade crossed the tip of his cock or my gloves gripped his cock hard and stroked, he would spurt a little more pre-cum.

    Now he was ready to be mounted.  I instructed him to stand, his eyes barely coherent to my instructions, gave him water to drink, and then forced him to his knees facing my “bro” cock.  He dined hungrily on it, moaning in pleasure and stroking his own cock.

  • Being a Tease sometimes gets you nowhere

    Being a Tease sometimes gets you nowhere

    Last Saturday, when I was walking down the stairs in my building, I met one of my neighbours.  She is a lovely girl in her mid twenties.  She has lived in the building for a few years and we sometimes have a coffee together or share a bottle of wine.  I could see that she had been crying and I asked her what had happened.  She told me the guy she was dating had just dumped her.  When I asked her why, she said he had told her he could not take any more of her games.  I knew immediately what had happened.  Let’s call her Maria.  Maria likes to tease.  With teasing, I mean in a sexual way.  She once told me she loved making a guy hot and wanting her, and then leave him hanging.  I guess this guy got tired of it and left her.  After some small talk I continued on.

    When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I did the same as Maria.  I would meet guys and then turned them on just to leave them with their dicks hard and no fun.  I guess I did it to feel I had power over them and that they wanted me.  Some would beg me to let them get their way and release the pressure building in their balls.  At the time I was no virgin, far from it.  Maybe it was just my own insecurity as a young woman that brought on this behaviour.  Many of my friends would do the same thing and we would laugh and make fun of the poor guys.

    Then I met a man, we can call him John.  John was in his late thirties and gorgeous.  He had a beautiful apartment, a nice car and was a good dresser.  We would go out and dance, and eat together.  I really liked him, but I could not let go of my wicked ways.  When we would snuggle up on the sofa and he would kiss me I would play along and go as far as touching him over his pants.  I would let him touch my tits and run a hand up my thighs, but never touch any important parts.  This went on for weeks.  It wasn’t that I didn’t want to have sex with him.  I just thought that I had more control over him by doing what I did.

    After a couple of months into the relationship he invited me for a late lunch at his apartment.  When I arrived, he had roses waiting for me and a box of chocolates for dessert.  He had made a beautiful shrimp salad, and there were two bottles of white wine in the fridge.  I had dressed for the occasion in a white summer dress, no bra and only bikini panties.  I knew he could see my nipples press against the fabric and I loved it.  He was in jeans and a polo shirt showing off his strong body.

    tease-300x215After we ate, we had coffee and dessert on the balcony looking out over a park.  We had finished almost all the wine and I was tipsy.  I figured this was the day I would let him go all the way so I began to run my hands over his chest and we kissed.  The kiss became deeper and we moved inside.  He was so hot and so was I we never made it to the bedroom.  He took off my dress and I helped him out of his jeans.  When we were both naked, I lay down on the floor and he knelt between my legs.  His cock was hard and I couldn’t wait to try it.  He lay down over me and I felt him press against me and sighed with pleasure.

    Then he stood up and began to dress, I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing, but I should get up and get dressed.  I didn’t understand what was happening, I felt so exposed there lying naked on the wood floor, my legs spread and my most secret spot open and wet. He looked down at me and said, “Get up, get dressed, and get out of here.” Shocked, I asked, “Why? What did I do wrong? You can’t leave me like this.” He just looked down at me and with a sigh he said. “Now you know how I have felt for the last months. You are a tease, and I want nothing to do with you.”

    When I took the elevator down I had tears in my eyes, I felt so stupid, and so frustrated.  But I had learned my lesson; you could only go so far before the guy has had enough.

    I am not saying it is wrong not to want to have sex, but if you don’t want because of a specific reason, tell the guy, don’t play games.  Dress as sexy as you want, but don’t lead him to think he might get something you know he won’t.

    Read more articles and points of views from Natasha here. Photos courtesy of Shutterstock.

  • It’s True. Female Masturbation Exists.

    It’s True. Female Masturbation Exists.

    When was the first time you learned about masturbation?  On the playground?  During an awkward discussion with a parent?  On TV? Was it pretty clear to you what it was and how to do it?  Did you understand what it meant to climax or ejaculate?  If you are male-bodied, it is likely that by the time you were a full grown adolescent, you had a pretty good understanding of masturbation and a wide variety of descriptive euphemisms – “jacking off,” “stroking the sausage,” “whacking it,” and a particularly eloquent one that I recently heard, “attacking the one-eyed, purple-headed warrior.”  If you are female-bodied, the path to your understanding of masturbation and how to do it was likely much more covert and maybe even to this day is not fully developed or clear.

    But why?  Most women will explain that masturbation was not talked about when they were young.  Touching yourself or admitting to any type of physical, sexual desire as a young girl was thought of as shameful, dirty, embarrassing or at the very least something not to be discussed with parents or peers.  But with boys, these “tendencies” were considered natural, normal – something to be both expected and tolerated.  A basic understanding of why this is so, points to our society’s general acceptance of men as sexual creatures with natural, physical urges and our view of women as passive objects of those sexual desires, rather than independent beings with their own natural sexual desires and urges.  And while the movement towards a more sex-positive, pro-feminist view of sexuality has taken foot in many circles, this deeply engrained, double standard view of sexuality undeniably still exists.  And if we aren’t conscious of its presence and effect, it is easy to make false assumptions about sexuality – like the assumption that girls and women do not masturbate.  And if they do, they are more sexually active or promiscuous than most girls or women – a practice known as “slut-shaming,” a neologism used to describe the act of making any person (usually women) feel guilty or inferior for certain sexual behaviors or desires that deviate from traditional (i.e. conservative) gender expectations.

    While the assumption is that all men masturbate, several studies have sought to find out what percentage of women masturbate (because, again, a common assumption is that only a minority of women masturbate).  These studies have yielded results varying from 38% to 92% – an extremely large spread.  Clearly, there is something going on that would cause these studies to find such varying results on a regular basis.  I would speculate that the studies reporting larger percentages were administered anonymously and through a medium that did not require face to face questioning, such as via an online survey.  The studies reporting lower percentages were probably done in person or required some elaboration on the part of the participant.  Essentially, I believe that these results illustrate the issue of women feeling uncomfortable or ashamed on talking about their masturbation habits or even admitting that they do it from time to time.

    So what is to be done?  It’s difficult because the fear of slut shaming extends beyond attitudes from men.  Women are just as likely (if not more so) to perpetuate shame when it comes to masturbation.  The thing about shame is that it is often projected onto those around us – especially those (i.e. other women) we identify with.  And if you can’t share stories, tips, and thoughts about masturbation with your fellow vagina owners, how do you learn?  It’s possible to learn from TV and movies, which perpetuate the myth that women don’t masturbate or when they do, it creates confusion, distress, and embarrassment in the women performing the act.  You can try to learn from porn, and if you are able to find some of the new wave pro-feminist and female-produced contents, it can be a good source for viewing women enjoying their bodies and the pleasure that comes from masturbating.  But if you aren’t able to find these contents, good luck finding any images that you can actually relate to.

    I believe a good first step for all women is to seek out sex-positive, feminist literature and media in order to see evidence that other women do masturbate and do so without shame, embarrassment, or negative repercussions.  A book I recommend to clients and friends alike is “Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving,” by Betty Dodson, a woman who personifies the acceptance and embracing of female sexuality and expression.  For the more adventurous or advanced, I recommend visiting your local sex toy shop (preferably one marketed towards women) and asking for information on different toys or movies that might interest you.  I also strongly believe in the power of being curious and taking the risk of being vulnerable in conversations with friends.  I have had many different kinds of conversations about masturbation with other women – some were wrought with embarrassment, some were really funny, some were tinged with shame, and many resulted in immense relief at the recognition that they aren’t the only one who doesn’t have it all figured out or has what they thought was a “weird” habit.  But in all these instances, masturbation was discussed.  And I believe that sometimes a conversation is all it takes to begin changing our false assumptions about sexuality.

  • Vaccinate your Teenager against Unwanted Pregnancy and Sexually Transmitted Diseases

    Vaccinate your Teenager against Unwanted Pregnancy and Sexually Transmitted Diseases

    With internet pornography and lack of healthy sexuality, a growing number of teens and young adults get most of their sex education from watching Pornography. 

    As a parent would you like your child to learn about sex from other teenagers?

    Parents can now vaccinate their children against unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease with information!

    What makes this such a problem in Singapore is the generation gap between traditional views of sex on one side and the availability of pornography to teenagers on the other side.

    Parents are not comfortable talking openly about sex with their children and by the time the kids turn into teenagers, they have gotten most of their information from other teenagers or internet porn and not from mom or dad.

    “A survey was conducted in Singapore about the growing number of teenagers having unsafe sex.  The survey stated that because of a lack of knowledge among young people it could lead to dangerous behaviour that puts them at risk of unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections.  The incidence of sexually transmitted infections among teens rose from 238 cases in 2002 to 787 last year.”

    Parents need to learn how to talk to their children about sex when they are young, starting out with age appropriate materials done in a positive way.  The biggest challenge that most parents have is their own embarrassment with talking about sex.  One way to combat this embarrassment is to view it as knowledge that will vaccinate their children against unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases that could save their lives.

    Knowledge is power, and the more positive information that children learn about their own bodies, then they are less curious about searching for information that can be damaging or dangerous leading to unsafe sex.  Not talking about healthy sexuality or shaming a child for talking about sex is the most dangerous message that a parent can give to their child and teenagers!

    The process starts when a child is younger and curious about their own bodies, a parents’ feedback is crucial.  Never put negative connotations on a child’s body, use correct terminology, and call a penis a penis or a vagina a vagina.  When a parent sees a child touch themselves, don’t shame them, but understand that they don’t know the difference between scratching their arm or touching their penis/vagina.  Telling them to stop or saying something negative is only going to shame them or make them feel bad about their body.

    As children turn into teenagers, talk to them about sex, to respect their own bodies and if they have sexual urges to masturbate, it is the safest form of sex on the planet.  Talk to them about contraception, sexually transmitted diseases.  Explain to teenagers that touching, hugging and kissing can be fun, but that it does not have to lead to sex, and saying no is alright and if they say yes, to use a condom.  Prepare them for war and give then the armour that they need to survive!

    Parents have the belief that if they talk about sex with their kids, then they are telling them that it is alright to have it, and by not talking to them about it means they won’t have it…..WRONG! 

    With that belief, a parent has just sent his/her child out into the world naked, not prepared and will most likely end up being a victim of an early sexual encounter, learning about sex from other teens and porn.  Those are the teens that have the highest incidence of unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease!

    Vaccinate your child with knowledge about healthy sexuality, the odds are that your child will not be among the odds but safe!

  • Stocking Your Personal Sexual Kitchen

    Stocking Your Personal Sexual Kitchen

    Most people these days are working or/and taking the kids to this or that.  It seems at the end of the day you might be doing all you can, just to get dinner on the table, before you grab a bath and fall into bed.  Sometimes the time for a sexual encounter with your partner doesn’t become an opportunity until the weekend, and for some, that becomes a rushed experience.  The reasons ‘why not to’ can become longer than the shopping list for stocking your kitchen for the week.  Why is that?  Isn’t your sexual health as important as your physical health?  If it isn’t, why not?

    I have talked to some of my friends about their personal sexual kitchens, and their responses made good sense.  However, there are other factors to consider.  One friend, a nurse, raising two children just has enough time to get home and have her children taken care of before she is too tired to crawl into bed herself.  Working twelve-hour shifts can really take a lot out of you.  There also comes meeting the needs of children and a partner who works eight-hour shifts.  Just subtle differences in a schedule can cause a little too much for one person, and not enough for another.  I understand her situation, and that both want to get the kids to bed and get to sleep as quickly as they can before the alarm goes off.  Staying up late can lead to a slow and sleepy day at work, but so can a restless night of tossing and turning.  Why not take advantage of the body’s natural spice, oxytocin.  This is a powerful hormone that acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain.  It increases in response to affection, and released after climax.  It provides such a feeling of intense relaxation, it can make you drift off to sleep faster than you normally would.  No sense in using melatonin or another supplement, when your body has its own natural kitchen of spice just waiting to be used.

    Maybe getting to sleep is not your problem?  Every situation is different, as with another friend of mine who is raising her two young children between the deployments of her Army husband.  You would think this couple would have no problems.  However, both children alternate being sick from one week to another.  She is a business owner, a mother of two sick children, a daughter of a mother who is fighting cancer, and the wife of an absentee husband.  When he is home, what better stress reliever than sex.  You would think she would need the intimacy and the health benefits herself.  Health benefits?  That’s right, being sexually active contributes to lowering your blood pressure.  This girl stays stressed out; so what if this sounds like you?  Treat yourself to the spice of hypotension for good health, and less stress.

    Not every situation is the same, as none of my friends are.  My friend Marybelle works twenty-four hour shifts.  She also has a daughter. Between work and obligations as a mother and such, she still makes time to get to the gym.  There’s date night as well.  She never has any complaints from her partner about their sex life, nor from her, or her doctor.  Her doctor?  Going to the gym is a regular thing for Marybelle.  She does it to look and feel good, and regular exercise is proven to benefit your health in many ways.  For her, it means a healthy heart, lower stress levels and a higher libido.  For her partner, it means a longer life with her, a smile on her face and nights where she will take advantage of burning those extra calories in the bedroom.  Did you know that burning the midnight oil for sex, burns calories as well?  So don’t feel bad if you didn’t make it to the gym today, because you had to run by the store and stock the fridge.  Get to bed a little early and burn those calories.

    You probably have great sexual health, and a happy partner to boot.  It is just occasionally you have had a bad day, or a long day.  On those days, you just don’t feel like it.  You tell your partner, not tonight.  Sometimes they understand, and sometimes the drama becomes so bad, you think it would have been easier to just have said, “Oh, alright, just make it quick.”  We’ve all been there.  These are the times when you should remember our title: Stocking Your Personal Sexual Kitchen.  The body is filled with so many wonderful chemicals, or as I call them, the spices of life.  There are endorphins like oxytocin, a neurotransmitter in the brain stimulated to release by affection.  Serotonin is a hormone found in multiple places of the body.  It is found in the pineal gland in the center of the brain, the central nervous system, blood platelets, and the digestive tract.  It is a neurotransmitter that reduces your appetite, your sexual behavior and it suppresses the way you perceive pain.  Prolactin is a hormone secreted by the pituitary gland and is vital for regulation of the immune system.  All of these chemicals are contained in semen, and are absorbed through the tissues of the vaginal walls.  You may not feel like it before, but afterwards, you will feel so much better, and you will be glad you did.

    As I said, I know every situation is different.  I know for some people, sexual health takes a back seat to physical health.  For both parties, this is a real setback.  When a person suffers from a chronic illness, sometimes pain from that illness can destroy sexual health.  For the partner, it seems this part of their life is over.  However, I ran across some very valuable information on boosting the immune system.  It just so happens, that studies from Wilkes University in Pennsylvania says individuals who have sex once or twice a week show 30 percent higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin A.[i]  What a wonderful way to boost your immune system!

    Who knew that physical health was so positively affected by sexual activity?  Now that we do know, when you sit down to make out that shopping list, which type do you stock on those fruits and vegetables for the week?  Add some strawberries, some mushrooms, maybe some whipped cream from the dairy section or oysters from the seafood department.  Whatever aphrodisiacs you like, add them to you kitchen list.  Stock you sexual kitchen for the week as well, and get some spice back in your life, and in your bedroom.

    [i] Sex Does the Body Good: Regular Romps Can Provide a Host of Physiological Benefits. (2006, December 19). Forbes. Retrieved February 22, 2014, from http://www.nbcnews.com/id/16282622/ns/health-forbes_com/t/sex-does-body-good/#.UwlDi4Wtx8s

  • The Love Experience

    The Love Experience

    “Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.” – Woody Allen

    Sexual stimulation is a pleasurable experience that can be fun and relaxing.  Sex and love can both create strong attachment feelings and one of the most profound experiences we have as human beings.  The capacity to love and feel loved leads to healthy and intense sexual interactions.  Love is one of the most well-known and least understood conditions in human nature.  Scientists say it’s a drive, similar to hunger or thirst, while psychologists may define it as a social or cultural phenomenon.  Regardless, it is the most universal emotion in the world with elements of each model that drives our need to love, including how sexual attraction and attachment style play a role in our relationships.  Studies in neuroscience show that as people fall in love, the brain releases chemicals that activate the pleasure center of the brain similar to drugs leading to side effects such as increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement.  Love can be experienced in different forms.  Our first connections with love are during infancy and childhood, and can set up love schemas that determine our capacity to love others during adulthood.

    Self-Love

    Self-love and selfishness are sometimes confused.  Each has different sources and consequences.  Self-love brings feelings of confidence, competence, and we are much kinder and loving towards others.  Selfishness causes withdrawal, and lack of respect towards self and others.  Self-love and appreciation are directly related to the capabilities of loving and appreciating others.

    The following questions can help differentiate between self-love and selfishness:

    1. When was the last time you felt unhappy with yourself (insecure, irritable)?
    2. When did you last feel happy with yourself (proud, pleased with your personal qualities)?
    3. How did you behave towards other people on those two occasions (happy/unhappy)?  On which occasion were you kinder and more generous towards others?

    When you are unhappy with yourself is probably when you were more selfish.  When we dislike ourselves, the energy we put out is directed towards protecting ourselves and is not focused on how we are treating others.  It is when we love ourselves that we are most capable of giving to, and loving others.

    Love Schemas

    How we are in adult romantic relationships is related to the working models or schemas we develop early in life – usually from our first loving experiences with caregivers. As we grow and develop these schemas become more complex. There are six different love schemas that are similar to the attachment styles that develop during childhood:

    1. Secure – seldom worry about being abandoned and believe other people are trustworthy and have good intentions.
    2. Skittish – wary of intimacy and uncomfortable with closeness, expectations that relationships fail and fear of depending on others.
    3. Clingy – desire closeness and worry that their partners don’t love them or will leave them and fear being on their own and abandoned.
    4. Fickle – uncomfortable with closeness and independence and never comfortable with what they have. They are suspicious of commitment and fear entrapment.
    5. Casual – view love affairs as fun and lacks desire for commitment often fearing intimacy.
    6. Uninterested – not interested in relationships and gets little pleasure out of it and when they end often feels relief.

    The development of these love schemas depends on how comfortable we are with closeness, independence and how willing we are to be involved in romantic relationships.  Identifying our love schema can give insight on our attachment style and patterns in relationships.

    Love vs. Lust

    The beginning stages of love are full of arousal, intense sexual desire, anxiety over rejection, and an array of positive and sometimes negative emotions.  Whether it is lust, infatuation, or romantic love, a preoccupation with the loved one is common and unavoidable.  Lust is actually a normal and healthy human emotion and can be very pleasurable for two people in the expression of sexual interactions.  If two people do not deal with feelings prior to sexual activity lust can sometimes lead to pain and guilt.

    There is this old cliché’ that men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love.

    Even though society is slowly moving towards more gender equality in views of sex – surveys show that more women than men find sex only acceptable in a love relationship.  If one partner is more motivated by lust than love, it can lead to difficulties in a relationship.  The sharing of feelings and intentions by both partners can minimize feelings of guilt and exploitation that can arise when two people have conflicting motivations for a relationship.

    Dependency and Jealousy

    Feelings of dependency and jealousy are often associated with love and are often experienced by individuals that lack self-confidence and self-esteem.  The consequences are a false love that consists of manipulative, exploitive, and unhealthy love behaviors.  These feelings of dependency and jealousy are human and we all feel them at some point in our lives – they are painful and often unavoidable.  The healthiest way to cope with these feelings is to communicate them instead of accusing, attacking, blaming or shaming your loved one.  It will reduce the negative effects of dependency and jealousy.

    Here are questions to assess healthy love in your relationship:

    1. Have you continued to maintain individual interests, including meaningful personal relationships with people other than your partner?
    2. Are you and your lover friends? If your erotic relationship ended, would you continue to see one another as friends?
    3. Have you maintained a secure belief in your own values as an independent person?
    4. Is your relationship integrated with the rest of your life rather than set off or isolated from your other activities?
    5. Do you feel improved by the relationship? Have you become stronger, more attractive, more accomplished, and more sensitive since becoming involved with your partner?

    These are great questions to ask yourself and your partner if you are in a loving sexual relationship.  If either of you answered “no” to more than one question it is worth discussing and looking at possibilities of changing aspects of the relationship.  The quality of a relationship is not measured by the absence of problems – there is no such thing as a “perfect” relationship.  The qualities that are important include honesty, integrity, and concern for resolving problems in a way that meets the needs of both partners.

    Independent, mature, and self-confident people have the greatest capacity for healthy and loving sexual interactions.  Two adults in a relationship that form an erotic bond can share their whole self – and can enjoy each others similarities and accept and be comfortable with their differences.  If someone makes the other person the exclusive focus of one’s life, it can reduce the vitality of a relationship. The healthier way is for each partner in a relationship to develop her or his own potential and be able to contribute individual, unique qualities to a mutually satisfying and stimulating relationship.  This ideal is not easily attained or constantly maintained, but striving towards it contributes to the hope and pleasure that characterize lasting and loving sexual interactions.

  • You Need Orgasms

    You Need Orgasms

    We are all born with functioning sexual organs designed to supply natural pleasure for the body.  Some of us get lucky and get both sets, but that has its challenges as well.  Discovery Channel aired a documentary on women’s orgasms.  The scientists gave a woman an MRI while she masturbated and watched her during orgasm light up over eighty sections of the brain, providing it with oxygen and nutrients. That means we feed the brain every time we orgasm.  It makes perfect sense, since we are designed to procreate.  We signal the body to stay healthy, useful, and regenerative, as orgasm is still needed for reproductive purposes.

    An old wives tale goes like this:  If you put a penny in a jar every time you make love during the first year of marriage, then take a penny out of that jar every time you make love for the rest of your marriage, there’ll still be enough money left for the flowers at your funeral. We are designed to fuck.  Our culture has controlled our procreation urges.  We are taught to disapprove anything beyond those created rules.  That’s not healthy for us.

    Our closest genealogical relative is the Bonobo monkey, and they fuck everything all the time and, guess what, they are the most peaceful creatures.  We could learn something from our ancestors.

    We are sensual beings, all desiring the positive elements of our senses:  Food and drink with taste; pleasant floral, musky smells for our noses; art in whatever form of beauty the eyes perceive; music, rhythmic sounds, soft voice, lectures, poetry for the auditory; the written word for the auditory digital; and human touch and other kinesthetic experiences that give us physical pleasure.

    Dacher Keltner, in his book Born To Be Good, teaches us the biological importance of emotional pleasure for the physical body.  His understanding of the common emotions represented across all humans and mammals alike, showed the clear natural values we should give to pleasure.  It is innate to our being …

    Followed finally by the erotic.  This is a learned skill.   Not developed until some level of maturity of the individual.  Many of us don’t reach it till our maternal and paternal duties are over with.  The kids are gone, leaving the bored husband and wife looking at each other wondering, Is this it?  The unfulfilled fantasies come back with a vengeance, and like a bad cold, they won’t release you till they have left your body.

    It’s the way the body signals it’s time for growth.  Fantasy, like dreams, are a way the body communicates a need to you.  Have you ever had a dream that keeps returning?  Does it get louder each time, turning into a nightmare?  Dream research teaches you that you are ignoring something when the dream gets louder.  If, for instance, you are getting chased constantly in your dreams, then you are running from something.  Dreams provide a metaphor to the emotional issues in your life.

    Fantasy represents emotional hunger.  It allows our bodies to come into the yin-yang balance of our natures.  We desire and fantasize about emotional states of pleasure we would like to be in.  The most common in the kink community, because of the size of the population, is the heterosexual male’s desire to be in submission, laying down the burden of making all the decisions.

    I have often thought that women of my generation have been afforded the luxury of choice by taking the easier road.  They cry, “Just tell me to do what I want to do.”  And you know what?  I would have cried that plea too, but I like making decisions.  As with gambling, I don’t always win and the losses are sometimes painful, but I own them all.  And that’s why I’m a Domina that needs an occasional switch opportunity to rest my weary head upon.  I’m the better for having loved and loss.

    Both sexes in all cultures have ways to go in learning how to be comfortable in our alignments.  The Northern European cultures, which threw out the hard liner religious views and have adopted open sexuality and drug use, still boast the lowest crime rates.  You would think we could learn from that.  Our dogmatic religious beliefs have atrophied the brain[1].  And we simply get stuck in stupid.

    [1] Owen AD, Hayward RD, Koenig HG, Steffens DC, Payne ME (2011) Religious Factors and Hippocampal Atrophy in Late Life. PLoS ONE 6(3): e17006. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0017006

     
     
    Namaste,
     
    Phyllis Rawley