Tag: Sex Toys

Masturbation Month – Happy Handjobs for Couples!

Yes, May is International Masturbation Month. Get your hands out of your laps and cheer!

Now, I’m not going to bash you over the head with a dildo promoting the benefits of masturbation – there are people much more qualified than myself to discuss it therapeutically – let’s just take it as a given that pleasuring oneself is beneficial. Seeing as though masturbation is generally seen as a solo venture, what I’d like to do is make sure couples don’t feel excluded from all the awesome. So here’s some tips and toys that couples can use to incorporate masturbation into their shared experience – there’s probably no better way to learn more about your partner’s body. Over the last few weeks, my extremely tolerant Test Subject (TS) has let me apply all sorts of things to his penis. And first and foremost, he must be thanked for that – not all of it was entirely pleasant.

Thanks to the awesome crew at Sex Toys 24/7 (https://www.sextoys247.net.au/), we’ve been experimenting with products from Doc Johnson’s Optimale range, which I primarily found appealing for it’s focus on sexual health. The packing is simple and free of overt sexual images, which is a great idea in terms of attracting more female customers to engage with their partners in selecting male toys. The Optimale UR-3 Reversible Two-Way Stroker is a great example of this; rather than comparing pornstar pussies to get an idea of internal texture, the stroker has simple designs, seen easily through the frosted UR3 gel. With just a small amount of water-based lube, the smooth and textured sides of the stroker slid on comfortably. This is a fantastic toy for a lot of reasons – reversible, good value for money, easy to use and clean, and the storage box is a real bonus. It’s a good practical toy, that can lead to some seriously sensuous fun. The packaging boldly claims the stroker has an ‘Incredible life-like feel’. It’s certainly not life-like in terms of handling the cock itself – the girth added by the glove is substantial. I asked TS how accurate their claim was. ‘It’s actually very good… “lifelike”? I’m not sure… maybe with a warming lube?’ We never got a chance to experiment any further with the sheath as we discovered some splits in the gel. We plan on getting a replacement, so I’ll be sure to let you all know how the next one goes. What would have been an 8/10 dropped to around a 4.

On the plus side, the death of the stroker meant we could move on to other things…

We decided to check out some cock rings. Typically they’re used to keep erections stronger for longer, but we’ve found they can create a whole new sensual experience and really enhance the whole aesthetic of masturbation. Rings are relatively inexpensive toys, making their play value even higher. They can be worn around the shaft and/or scrotum, and you can even get double rings that will do both. You can find them in a range of materials – leather, jelly, stainless steel, rubber – but for couples play we enjoy using silicone – it’s safe, and easy to clean.

The C-Ring Silicone 45mm Thick is a pretty impressive sample. For a basic cockring, these are aesthetically and sensually very pleasing. We got the matte gun metal grey/slate which was a surprisingly nice break from the familiar shiny-black. The silicone has quite a lot of stretch, and even pulling as hard as I could, showed no sign of weakness. There’s enough give to go around the shaft and testicles comfortably, and package them up nicely. If you enjoy cockrings and find them comfortable, contemplate presenting your ringed cock to your partner one night – they really can enhance the man-junk. I was super appreciative of the extra thick construction and the velvety finish of the silicone which seems to give more grip – there’s no chance my partner will fall victim to another of my clumsy slips resulting in a rubbery snap against his shaft. Once it’s on, take some time to explore the new dimensions and look of the penis by watching how he handles it – the rhythm he chooses, the point where he focuses, how he wraps his hand. Don’t get too carried away – cockrings should be removed within 20 minutes of application.

If you want to upgrade to something a bit more exciting, you could give the The Optimale Vibrating Double C-ring a go. This toy is designed much more with couples in mind, and comes as a single or double bullet unit. We went with the double, which was lucky, because one of them went on the blink after the first use. I must admit, I’m not much for bells and whistles on my sex toys – there is such a thing as over-stimulation. (I plan on discussing this in an article soon.) When I unpacked the Vibrating Double I was really impressed with the guide supplied with the toy – it clearly explained exactly where everything went (with two rings in action, be sure not to confuse the shaft ring with the testes ring). For partnered masturbation play, the bullets are a fantastic addition. Hands can be used on the cock and balls to direct pressure to the bullet zones. Partners can share in the action, by pressing or teasing their own body parts against the buzz… This is a pretty cool toy, but it is one-size, so be sure you’re within range. You can check out the Optimale range here (https://www.sextoys247.net.au/catalogsearch/result/?q=optimale).

Happy Handjobbing!

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May 1, 2015
MisKnickers’ Sex Toy Tips – Buying Sex Toys
‘But I’ve Never Been To A Sex Shop…’

Since the advent of online shopping, sex toy sales have drastically increased, particularly from female buyers. In terms of anonymity, it’s great; there’s no bumping into another school mum when you buy online. It can also be really useful for replacing toys you already know and love.

However, visiting a sex shop will give you a new perspective on the toys, and your reaction to them. Never been before? Here’s some tips for starting out:
- Start with one of the larger chain stores that specialise in female visitors. These stores are generally stylish, open plan and well lit for browsing, with mostly female staff.
- Be curious. Ask questions. Be ‘wowed’. I’ve been working with sex toys for two years now, and just when you think you’ve seen it all there is something new to be amazed by. It’s ok to be dazzled by just how big some of these things are. It’s ok to wonder ‘how the hell does that even work?’ And it’s more than fine to see something you never knew existed and think ‘I must have it’.
- Touch things. This is something online shopping can never give you. The biggest benefit the sex shop gives is tactility. There are no written measurements that will make as much sense as the summation of your own hands; they know what feels good in them. With weight and ergonomics being such a major part of toy design for females, having a 3D sensory idea of what may work for you can be invaluable.
- Take a friend and just go to browse. Don’t put any pressure on buying. If something impresses you, be open to it.
‘I Wanna Buy A Vibe, But There’s Just Too Many!’

The range of vibrators these days is (figuratively) out of hand. Sex shop walls are lined with displays of all kinds of cock in a range of colours, textures, shapes, sizes and magic tricks for your clit. So let me refine this for you a bit…

One word: ‘rechargeable’. Yes, rechargeable toys are revolutionising the industry. There are several product lines who specialise in this technology, and although it costs a bit more, it’s a small price to pay to know your toy will last the journey without a battery changeover midway, or any loss of power. The motor isn’t limited by how many batteries the toy can carry so not only can these things GO, they do so in a quiet, efficient manner. Generally, a fully charged toy will run from anywhere between three to fours hours, and can take about the same to recharge. For mine, these are the most aesthetically pleasing vibes; sleek curves, smooth contours, zero veins. Don’t even bother looking at battery-operated vibes anymore.

‘What About the “Anal Stuff”?’

The best advice that can ever be given to someone wanting to explore anal play, is start small, go slow, and use lots of lube. On the most basic level, this ensures a greater degree of relaxation which is key to enjoying anal play. The growing numbers of people buying these toys seems to suggest people are finally feeling free of old taboos.

Enthusiasm for something new is fantastic, but leads to the most common mistake first time buyers make; choosing too arduous a toy. It could be size, shape or rigidity, but generally due to a wonderful want of sexual exploration, they try and take on too much. A great place to start is with silicone or jelly anal beads with progressive sizes. Anal beads are relatively inexpensive, and will give you a good idea of the sort of penetration you may like. Remember to partner them with a good quality lubricant that won’t degrade the toy material. Once you’ve got a sense of the size you’re comfortable with, experiments with buttplugs and vibrators can commence.

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March 18, 2015
The chastity belt … for him !

He has been a naughty man and needs to be put into chastity, because he is not pleasing me …

Can you imagine that this handsome man would want you to put him in a male chastity device and control his orgasm?

This may sound barbaric or even unrealistic that any man would want this, but to some couples it can be a way to add excitement to their sex life. Male chastity is one topic that is not often talked about or exposed. The reason why is that there is such a psychological component to it that is difficult to understand. Sexuality is not just about a physical release but to some people who like to have their minds stimulated along with their body they crave more advanced sexual play.

Placing a man in chastity can give the woman control over his orgasm, but not only that it can be a way for the man to be dominated. He knows that he cannot touch himself even if he wanted to, and now he is left with pure sexual energy that he has to channel into his work day.

Denial of orgasm for a period of time is more psychological than physical. Men have expressed to me as a clinical sexologist that just knowing the device is on them gives them the ability to concentrate better at work and become more successful at what they do.

Some men that have experienced erectile dysfunction in the past or a fear of not being able to please their partner sexuality, find that by wearing the device is their punishment. The reality is that the punishment is also their excitement. Men have practiced denial of orgasms for centuries, but understanding the reasons why they do it is not always understood, even from the person who may be practicing it.

The human body and how people release their sexual energy is not entirely about the end result of the release but the tease of getting to the orgasm. Male chastity is just that, a tease for many men, and for some a way to escape the pressure of performance in the bedroom.

For more information on male chastity go to TheHappySpouse or contact Dawn for an appointment (805) 732-7847

This article has been republished with permission from Dr. Dawn Michael.

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March 11, 2015
6 ways to Connect Intimately in a Long Distance Relationship

Long distance relationships have been difficult for many couples, especially when it comes to being intimate with one another.

With the invention of Facetime, Skype, and other ways to interact visually it has helped many couples communicate face to face but it still leaves the body without being touched.

The loss of intimacy that happens when in a long distance relationship, can be difficult. One way to help couples stay connected and enjoy sexual pleasure is to find a way for both of them to interact with one another without the other person having to be physically present. The idea is for each person to be sexually stimulated by their partner without their partner touching them. This is now a possible in a world where technology is being utilized by people in all areas of life.

In 2012 Chen, a 27-year-old marketing major from Taiwan, came up with a novel idea to experience intimacy long distance. He invented LovePalz, a gender-appropriate sex toy that conveniently works with an iPhone or other mobile device.

Chen describes it as a “Wi-Fi-connected love machine that lets both the top and the bottom stimulate some sexy time.”

The two gadgets—Hera, which is designed for women; and Zeus, more for males—produce sensation and motion “in real time” via an Internet connection, according to the LovePalz website.

“When I was studying abroad, my girlfriend and I were apart and had a long-distance relationship, sex wasn’t something we could achieve,” he told ABCNews.com. “So I thought, why can’t we have something that can help us spike up our relationship when we are not around each other?”

Since then the sex toy industry has caught on and invented many new toys with apps such as We-Vibe® 4 Plus where couples can connect in new and exciting ways. Her partner through the phone app, can tease her, and play with her until he is ready to watch her orgasm with the push of a button.

One of the newer sex toys on the market that can be fun at any time is the OhMiBod vibrator, place it in her panties or his briefs and let the games begin … This Bluetooth enabled, wearable massage is discrete and can be worn at any time, making a playful moment between the couple a welcome surprise. The idea is to keep your partner guessing as to when you will be sending them a love vibration. This is one fun way to stay mentally and physically connected when not in each others company.

The Idea is to:

CONNECT over long distances to control your partner’s vibration from anywhere!

ENJOY five different control modes while connected to your iOS or Android device

FEEL an insane array of vibration patterns

EXPERIENCE your partner’s vibe with an iconic blue heart that blinks and throbs in real-time to sync with the vibrations they are feeling

CONTROL the intensity of the vibration patterns within each functional mode simply by adjusting the volume on your device

INTENSIFY the experience with in-app sexting while you play

This article has been republished with permission from Dr. Dawn Michael.

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February 24, 2015
Interview with xSync

Hi Alan, you’ve got an interesting product here. Tell us more about it.

Hi there SimplySxy, I’m enthused to tell you more! And thank you so much for having us! xSync is a wireless technology that hyper-synchronizes your favorite vibrator to precise sensory cues in adult videos and all other media. When one watches porn by themselves, the typical “self pleasure” routine can get a bit, well…mechanical, and rehearsed over time. What I mean by this is, it can gradually lapse into a mundane routine lacking in true sexual fulfillment.

But xSync changes the game. Instead of you fiddling with buttons, xSync lets you enjoy the experience while allowing you to deeply immerse yourself directly in the peaks and valleys of the hottest scenes. It really is about as close as you can get to experiencing your favorite porn scene fall right into your lap, all without having to leave your own room. (Or office. Or car. Etc.)

So how does that immersion feel?

According to our beta testers—little short of mind-blowing! In fact, let me share a little anecdote about one of our first test users, we’ll call her ‘Sarah’.

Sarah was nestled cozily in her room while checking out our first demo flick, accompanied by her favorite vibrator. Scene 1: a blow job. Now, I’ve been told by numerous times that women often “skip” or fast forward blowjob scenes so they can get to the “good parts”, so to speak. Keep in mind, it’s not that they don’t like giving blowjobs, it’s just that watching them on video simply fails to turn them on like real life sex.

But here’s the plot twist for Sarah when the blow job scene started…

Her jaw literally dropped to the floor. The sensations hit her—in real time, and she found herself planted in the exact moment, enjoying every single detail of every single second. The afternoon she relayed this to me, I knew in that single moment that we’d built something that was not only sensational and realistic, but could change the way porn was viewed and experienced for everyone.

And one more interesting detail about xSync. It can control multiple vibrators at the same time, as long as they are near the wireless signal. That’s it! So now you and a friend, or even a group, can put on a sexy adult flick and simultaneously enjoy the delicious details. Talk about a party! Or you can go on a solo adventure and play with multiple toys at once. Either way it’s a brand new experience that’s never been available before.

Needless to say, the range of experiences one can have with xSync are vast and varied. And we know that when our customers get to experience what it can do for them sexually, they aren’t going to go back to the old traditional way of watching porn with their vibrators buzzing monotonously ever again.

Does it work with all porn?

Yes, it sure can! But one thing I’d like to point out is that we don’t host any of our own videos. Instead, xSync actually powers the syncing technology behind existing websites. Many sites are already fully compatible with xSync, so it’s a piece of cake for us to add new and exciting websites as our service continues to grow.

A very common misconception is that we sync merely the sound in the videos. Sure, this may work well in some situations, but when it comes to syncing with adult videos and porn, it’s limiting and frankly—not a complete picture of the scene.

Instead, we have an awesomely elite team of engineers who run our proprietary software to analyze specific on-screen actions and sync them to the precise intensities and patterns of the vibrator. Then it’s in our library. Users can enjoy it all immediately.

We’re also thrilled when we receive requests from our users. In fact, our entire library is built around our users’ favorite adult videos. If any user wants to try xSync with their favorite adult video, we welcome them to hit up www.xsync.com and we’ll get them set up on our pilot program. That’s it!

By the way, it’s crucial that I point out that ALL of the videos we support are sex positive. I think that’s pretty self-explanatory. My fiancé, team, and I, are outspoken advocates of the sex positive movement, and it doesn’t matter if you’re gay, straight, lesbian, BDSM, hardcore, or a little in between. We plan on having you covered on all levels and tastes!

Now tell us, what inspired you to create xSync?

For a long time in the making, I wanted to be able to re-create the natural spontaneity of sexual stimulation in an intimate encounter. A few years back I started to closely examine all the sex toys available in the market and, honestly, there wasn’t much that really filled that “missing gap” that I was looking for. I finally began my research, and several months later I finished the now patent-pending design. And the results couldn’t have been any better!

Shortly thereafter, I met my fiancée, Kathleen, and since then, she and I have been jointly helming xSync. While I handle the technical aspects, Kathleen has this uncanny, intuitive ability to connect with people. She’s had that gift all her life, and it’s like nothing I’ve seen before. She lovingly gave xSync a character and identity that resonates with people. It truly has been an intellectual labor of love and fun for us…and I’d like to quip that we’ve experienced first-hand just how easy it can add to a couple’s intimate life.

Our #1 inspiration for xSync has been to help women, couples, and our friends in the LGBT community to explore their own sexuality by completely immersing themselves into the erotic fantasies from their favorite videos. These videos can range from your run-of-the-mill sex flick, to the mainstream 50 Shades of Grey. We truly feel we’re only getting started, and that the future applications for xSync to help and entertain people will only continue to grow.

We’re seeing a ton of new and innovative toys come out on the market, from the We-Vibe Couples Vibrator, the Revel Body Sonic Vibrator and now the xSync. It’s like Sex is going high tech. As a toy designer, do you think that it’s just human nature to find new ways to get off?

Yes. Absolutely. I do think that it’s human nature to always be seeking something new and exciting. People love to be entertained. People love to feel good. People love to explore, to be sexual, to push the boundaries and have mind-numbing orgasms. Why wouldn’t they? It’s exciting, it’s liberating…and it’s great for the mind and body!

As for the sex toy market, sure, there are always new sex tech products coming out and we’re thrilled to see this. We aren’t actually toy designers, we’re instead filling in the gap between technology and toys. To do this we’ve created xO—our wireless remote for LELO vibrators. It’s a cool little piece of technology that jumpstarts your existing sex toys.

In short, we are a sex-positive technology team vividly syncing up your favorite videos.

Thanks Alan, before we close off, tell us, how do you define “sexy”?

Oh, that’s a fantastic question! A part of me wonders if the word “sexy” could even be defined. Or should it? “Sexy” is such a subjective word, and over analysis potentially subtracts from that “je ne sais quoi” that keeps it secretive and alluring.

But if you ask me personally what you think my definition of sexy is, I think it comes down to being truly authentic, being confident in yourself (and even your body and sexuality), and your own unique, magnetic spark. We can’t fake being sexy. It doesn’t work that way. It has to be truly felt. When you feel it at the core of your being, it radiates around you, and other people sense it.

When you take the time to explore your sexuality, you unlock what it means for you to be sexy.
It’s been a pleasure. Thank you for having us, SimplySxy.

Image courtesy of xSync
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January 31, 2015
Top 10 SEX TOYS: Dildos, Vibrators, and Butt Plugs, Oh My!

There are oodles and oodles of different kinds of sex toys on the market today … which ones should you try, where do you even begin? And what is a ball gag??? When you initially begin to explore the world of sex toys it can be daunting, especially if you are not quite sure what you are looking for or what you or your partner would even enjoy. In addition, accurate and useful information about toys can be hard to come by; sometimes you just have to take the manufacturer’s word for it which may not be helpful to you. This article is meant to be a general guide to (my) top ten sex toys, which as you will see is really my top seventeen-ish sex toys (I couldn’t pick just ten!). All of these toys are in no particular ranked order, although you may be able to figure out some of my preferences from the list I have generated.

Before we begin, let me be up front about this list; this is not an exhaustive list by any means and many unique toys (like toys that are supposed to simulate oral sex for instance) may not be represented, but it doesn’t mean that they are any less fun than the toys that are highlighted. In addition, these are just general names for toys, any sex toy purchasing (or creating) consumer should be mindful of the materials that are used in the toys they are using on themselves and their partner(s). Materials such as glass, wood, and some silicones are totally safe, but there are some toys made of plastics and other materials that contain parabens and it is not safe to expose yourself to these over long periods of time. Parabens are commonly used as a kind of preservative or bactericidal in hundreds of products we use every day such as cosmetics and toothpastes. However, some research has shown that they may be linked to cancer. Sometimes you can get away with toys that are made of different plastics that may have parabens in cases when they are not meant to be used internally, like paddles for example. Just being mindful and informed about what you are purchasing may prevent scary health concerns. Without further ado … the sex toy list!

1. Vibrators
There is a plethora of vibrators out there such as bullets, rabbits, and larger dildos that vibrate. The bullets are generally smaller and are primarily for external use and can be put on a variety of vibrating speeds and patterns for your pleasure. Rabbits and other dildo vibrators are often used to penetrate and there is the extra bonus of good vibrations!

2. Dildos

There are all kinds of dildos ranging from the small ones to large ones, ones with wider girths and they all are made of different materials—glass, wood, silicone, even stainless steel. Some look like animals, some are double ended and others are meant to resemble an actual penis. A good rule to keep in mind when considering if a dildo will fit in either you or your partner is the two finger rule; typically the width of your index finger and middle finger together is a good gauge to determine the width of a dildo that would fit comfortably.

3. Strap-ons

Strap-ons refer to a dildo placed in a harness that you can wear around your waist (like putting on underwear or shorts) that you can use to penetrate your partner. Again, a wide range of dildos can typically fit into a harness to make a strap-on. Male-bodied and female-bodied individuals can wear a strap-on or be penetrated by one; male-bodied individuals can use one to double penetrate their female-bodied partners.

4. Anal toys (beads and butt plugs)

Anal beads are usually a string of silicone beads that are all attached and can be used in a variety of ways. Some individuals like to put all the beads in and pull them out either quickly or slowly. Be careful with any anal toys that do not have a flanged base (butt plugs are flanged); otherwise they may become stuck in your partner’s anus if you let go of those toys, which would not be good! Butt plugs are great for that double penetration (without the thrusting) feel while giving the sensation of fullness at the same time. Other anal toys include prostate simulators that can be used on male-bodied individuals to stimulate their prostates which can lead to more intense orgasms.

5. Paddles/floggers

These toys are super fun for the masochist in your life who likes to be spanked or flogged (that person may be you!). Paddles can be made of wood, plastic, leather etc. and floggers can be made of leather or horse hair, I have even seen floggers made out of electric cables. Some people may disagree with how I put paddles and floggers together in my list, but generally paddles and floggers can hit a larger surface of the body and provide more of a “thud” upon contact which some people may prefer over a crop for example. If you have never used a paddle or flogger before, go slow and frequently check in with the person you are using the toy on to make sure they are finding it pleasurable during the first few times you use it. If they aren’t, listen to their direction about how to make it better (their direction may also be to tell you to stop using the paddle or flogger on them, which is okay too).

6. Crops/whips

Crops and whips often cause a more piercing or “sharp” pain when they come in contact with your skin when your partner uses a crop on the backs of your legs or across your butt. Similarly to floggers, crops and whips can be made out of leather materials or hides of animals like cowhide or bullhide. Again, be careful when first getting accustomed to using a whip or crop properly and check in with your partner as you explore. Some whips have long tails so make sure that you have enough room to use the whips too.

7. Handcuffs/bondage tape

Handcuffs and other forms of bondage, like rope or bondage tape (that only sticks to itself and nothing else, like your sheets or your skin) can be great fun! Handcuffs can be made of plastic or metal and other bondage materials could be rope, zip ties, neck ties or even other articles of clothing or accessories around your home. Again, make sure you and your partner are checking in with each other about if you/they still want to be tied up. Sometimes planning out or contracting about how long you/your partner will be tied up for can relieve some anxiety about being tied up. Safe words could be helpful when playing around with bondage, if you/your partner uses the decided upon safe word, it’s time to untie them.

8. (Ball) Gags

Gags are commonly made of leather of other flexible materials and there usually is some sort of buckle in the back so the gag stays tight around your face and mouth without being too tight or too loose. Gags can also be household items too, like a scarf. However, be careful that the gag you use is not suffocating your partner or severely limiting their air intake. Safe gestures, instead of safe words, may be useful when using gags, as your partner may not be able to clearly verbalize a safe word. Instead, they may hold up a fist or an open palm to alert you that they need to be checked in with.

9. Blindfolds

Blindfolds can be great for sensory deprivation to heighten arousal for your partner, so they don’t quite know where you will kiss or touch them next. Blindfolds can be something as simple as a scarf or neck tie covering your eyes or it could be a blindfold that you purchase that is perhaps made of leather or can be securely tied around your head so it does not slip off during play. Safe words can be helpful when using blindfolds so you know when to relieve your partner.

10. Cock rings

Cock rings can be used to prolong a male-bodied person’s erection during play time; they can be made out of plastic, silicone or metal. Word to the wise though, be cautious about using cock rings the first few times as some of them may be challenging to take off, depending on the materials used.

Now that you have a little bit of background information about sex toys, go out and try some of these on yourself! You can make your own sex toys using simple products at home (like tying up your partner with a neck tie or a scarf; safely and consensually of course), go to your closest sex toy shop to explore in person or purchase toys online. Once you have brought your toys home, be sure to take good care of them: wash them after each use and store them in a safe, dry area. Do be extra careful and make sure that silicone toys aren’t stored with other silicone toys or lube as these may ruin the toys and you definitely would not like that to happen. Now, go have fun!

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October 1, 2014
Fan Submissions: No Finesse Whatsoever

“Is this water or silicone based lube?” Mike questioned from the bed.

I stared back at him from the bathroom sink. “Um, silicone.”

“Oh, well I thought you couldn’t use silicone lube with silicone toys, something about it messing up the toy’s surface.” Mike responded quizzically.

“Oh, Fuck. I don’t know.”

I pulled the string of pale purple anal beads from the sink of warm water and pinched them slightly.

“Pretty sure they’re just rubber.”

My relationship with Mike grew out of a shared interest in spirituality, whatever the fuck that really means. I was searching for a way out of my vapid sorority saturated college experience and he was available, ready and willing to lure me into one of the strangest relationships I’ll ever know. So, what began as a bond formed over hot coffee and discussions of The Secret, turned into a weirdly fulfilling sexual conquest and bout of experimentation. It’s also what led to my ability to give one hell of a blowjob. I can say that with confidence because I probably gave the kid over 200 blowjobs. I was also taking tips from Sasha Grey videos. He unfortunately, ate pussy like a real amateur. No finesse whatsoever. He treated the whole ordeal like a medical procedure, nerve-racking and tedious. Nothing worse than revealing in a state of post orgasmic bliss and seeing your significant other’s face pull away from your pussy in twisted confusion and fear.

Despite the excessive exchange of oral sex, our sex-ationship held an experimental element that resembled a Masters and Johnson type affair. Our sex had purpose, outside of meaning and intimacy, which it was virtually devoid of. We were pioneers on a sexual frontier conquesting through the use of sex toys, amateur YouTube videos and shared fantasies. Originally, it was all his idea. One night early on, he pulled out a drawstring bag from beneath his bed as I was reading a compilation of Buddhist fables. Without speaking he dumped the contents onto the bed, smiling coyly like some perverted Santa Claus delivering gifts on Christmas. Strewn across the red sheets lay brightly colored cock rings, anal beads, Velcro handcuffs, strange squishy blue dice with words that read “suck” or “pinch” or “kiss”, and a shiny egg-shaped vibrator. “My bag of toys, for you.” He remarked, playing even more into the perverted Santa Claus role. Truthfully though, I loved them all. Each toy brought on a new challenge. I became obsessed, in a way, with the excitement it provided. I felt empowered.

I certainly had my own sexual interest too. They developed mostly out of watching consecutive episodes of True Blood. Something about the erotic subordination of humans during vampire sex that caused me to raise an eyebrow with investigatory excitement. The way this translated in the bedroom was far less fantastical. It involved Mike choking me during intercourse to act out the domineering role of a hollow hearted and sex driven Bill Compton. Most of our fantasies played out that way, providing fleeting enjoyment that fell short due to lack of intimacy.

The relationship will always be memorable despite its lack of meaning. In its aftermath, it helped with many things. It led me to finally buy my own vibrator: fitted with ten pulsating speeds and a waterproof technology that really made bathing a worthwhile endeavor. I grew to know what I like; where, when and how. It made me comfortable to have sex with myself and ask subsequent partners to partake in what I most enjoyed. While the sex-ationship was doomed to collapse but in a serendipitous and realistic way, it’s moments were fun and exciting albeit also deeply embarrassing.

“Ok, well either way, rubber or silicone, bring them over here.” Mike responded decidedly.

“So the video said that if I put them in before I eat you out and then sloooowly pull them out as you’re coming, it will intensify your orgasm or something.”

“Will do.” I replied laying my head back onto the pillow, closing my eyes and inhaling deeply. “Here we go,” I thought. The process itself was mediocre, as it usually was. A combination of inconsistent tongue flicks and infantile sucking that seemed more like a series of muscle spasms than anything else. Eventually though, through the powers of pelvic muscle tightening and nipple stimulation, I began to reach my plateau. I bore down into the bed, arched the small of my back and exclaimed hurriedly, “Ok, I’m about to come.”

As the rush of feeling flowed through my lower half, I barely noticed the gentle motion of beads being pulled slowly from within my ass. And then … shit. Literally. I didn’t really smell or see anything but it became evident that female ejaculate was not the only fluid I secreted at that particular moment. Mike pulled away with force but surprisingly his expression was less exasperated then it was after most instances of pussy-eating. He rushed to the bathroom, beads in hand and quickly threw them into the sink. I laid there, paralyzed, and not in the post orgasmic way I usually enjoyed. “Did I just shit on the bed?” I thought to myself in a moment of sheer panic. I sat up suddenly and looked down. Nothing there. Thank god. The last thing I needed in that moment was to resemble a puppy caught in the act of soiling the Persian rug in the living room. Suddenly Mike reappeared.

“Well, I’ve got to go to work.”

“That didn’t turn out very well did it?”

He smiled. “Could have been better.” He kissed me on the forehead. “Might want to let those soak for a little while.”

I smiled back meekly, feeling my cheeks redden like I was in a Charlie Brown cartoon.

After he headed out, I drudgingly walked into the bathroom. Still unaware of whether I had excreted shit on the beads, I tossed them into the trash. They really didn’t intensify my orgasm anyway.

SimplySxy welcomes articles written by our readers on any topic of their choice. Each submission is edited and published the same as from any of our Sexperts and Contributors.

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GET YOURS TODAY AT SIMPLYSXYLIFE

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