Tag: My Valentine Sex List

SEX. PARTY.

Who Needs Romance When You Can Just Have the Sex?

Valentine’s Day is beyond cheesy. There. I’ve said it.

Sure, I am all up for celebrating love and that fine romance (and cheese), but definitely not on this day, which has become too commercialised to the point that retailers are obviously milking it for all its worth by marking up the prices of their items and coming up with annoying “Valentine’s Day” promotions. Don’t waste all that hard-earned money, boys and girls! (Findings show that Singaporeans are some of the biggest spenders on V-Day. Tsk tsk.)

So, instead of observing the 14th of February as how the mainstreamers have marketed and perceived it to be – lovey-dovey saccharine sweet to the point of diabetic – why not turn the day on its head and make it an Anti-Valentine’s Day instead? And what’s the polar opposite of romance? Why, the answer is sex, of course. And it’s not just sex (singular), but lots and lots of unabashed, no-strings-attached sex.

Also, since Valentine’s Day is supposedly all about that one person in your life, and we are all about making a 180 degrees turn here, Anti-Valentine’s Day shall thus be about le sex with multiple partners. Maybe even all at the same time. You know what this means, right?

SEX. PARTY.
Now this is one sexperience that I have yet to try (no, going to saunas is not equivalent to sex parties; at least not for me). I have always been curious about the mechanics of it all: how and where do you gather the participants? Where will it be held? How long does a party last? Must the number of tops, bottoms and/ or flexes be proportionate to each other? Who will be the one to provide the safety equipment? Is it a bare-it-all from the get-go or do people walk around in their underwear first? Is it safe? Will the police ever find out and raid such shindigs? What about the hotel staff and people staying there? Will they not be curious? And these are just some immediate questions off the top of my head!

The idea of a sex party (aka orgy/ gang bang/ what have you) is not unheard of, not an entirely new phenomenon, and is most certainly – at least nowadays – not that overtly hush hush, especially in today’s context. In fact, I have heard stories of such parties taking place here in the sunny island that sets in the sea. (Again, those recent news about brothels in neighbourhood estates do not count. We are talking about a party, not a mechanical barter sex trade.)

One of my exes frequented these sex parties (don’t ask me if the ex still attends them now) and from what I have gathered, the whole set-up is not as sleazy as you may think. Most of the time, these parties are held in swanky, five-star hotels. Participants from all walks of life either get personally invited or register their interest to attend to the lead organiser. Time and date has already been set prior; all you need to do is show up and have fun. Naturally I followed that up with even more questions: how do you indicate to the other party your interest in them? What if the two of you turned out to be of the same role? And, the most important question that kept running through my head: do you do it in full view of the other participants, or do you do it somewhere secluded? Because I am thinking that the only place where you can have private access is clearly the (spacious) bathroom!

Even after pressing my ex for the answers to my questions, I am still left unsatisfied. Thoughts start running through my head. Is it as classy as what Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman attended in Eyes Wide Shut? Or is it more of a fun affair, like the ones Billie Piper had been to while sharing with us her Secret Diary of a Call Girl? Or maybe it’s just sex-OTT like in the pornos, complete with chains, leather, whips, handcuffs and all? Hmmm.

With my curiosity having been immensely piqued, I suppose it is finally time to get down to that item on my sexperience bucket list and participate in at least one sex party by this month; my Valentine’s sexlist, if you will. Maybe I will end up with like-minded individuals who believe in the same Anti-Valentine’s sentiments as I do. Then we can do it all through the night (or day, depending on what time the party is being held.)

Like I said: who needs romance when you can just have the sex?

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February 14, 2015
My Perfect Valentine’s Day
Yep, it’s that time of year again, February 14^th, Valentines Day; and suddenly the rest of the year seems like nothing more than just some slow, rumbling foreplay leading inexorably towards this annual, inevitable climax of luuuuuuurve! And sexiness, of course … let’s not forget sexiness!

I’ll repeat that … let’s not forget sexiness!

For while to some Valentines Day means flowers and a box of chocolates, candlelit dinners (a terrible way to cook, by the way; it takes forever), or moonlit walks in Paris—all nice, lovely things to be sure—for others, February 14^th means deep red lingerie, the removal of key elements of that deep red lingerie, the indulgence of fantasies … and if chocolate is involved, as it sometimes is, it doesn’t come in a box, but rather in a jar, with a brush, to be applied to various parts of the body and licked off with bacchanalian abandon.

Personally, since I’m basically an immature sort at heart, I don’t like to feel like I’m missing out on anything, so this year—as with many other years—I’ll be doing the V-Day Combo Special, thank you very much; a heady cocktail of love and romance (which my wife, maddeningly, insists on pronouncing ‘wub’ and ‘womance’—two words, now I think about it, that might just save the life of someone overdosing on Viagra since hearing them is almost 100% guaranteed to immediately drain the blood from any penis) and some seriously fruity ugly-bumping.

This year, happily, Valentines Day falls on a Saturday, meaning that for those of us with two-day weekends (enjoy it while you can, before the neoliberal nightmare enslaves us all) the Combo Special can be eked out and savored across the entire day.

So, without further ado, here’s the list of ingredients that’s going to make my V-Day Combo Special mind-blowingly awesome. Feel free to use it as the template for your own Valentines—all I ask is that you think of me! Nah, just kidding. Although … No, no, you’re right. I couldn’t take the wave of psychic energy; it’d put me off my game. The list then …
1. Wake up the wife by sprinkling flower petals over her and then go down on her
2. A little breakfast in bed while we watch something stupid on TV
3. Intimate that I’d quite like her to go down on me now too, please (we call mutual oral sex in the morning ‘bacon and eggs’—so we’ll be enjoying two breakfasts that day!)
4. Shower together, slowly, taking care not to miss a single inch
5. Take the wife to town, have lunch somewhere cool, indulge in a quick fuck in the washroom, buy each other stuff, check out some art, hold hands, revel in the sex musk coming off both of us, and stare at things behind windows
6. Back home to get changed for the evening. If you’ve been a good boy—and I’ve been a very good boy—she’ll put on the red lingerie you bought her specially; the stockings, the suspenders … oddly enough, most of the time, red doesn’t do it for either of us, but on Valentines Day we both go loopy for it; go figure
7. Go out to a romantic restaurant, eat bloody red meat, drink red wine, feed each other rich, dark, moist chocolate cake and play with each other under the table … basically excite the fuck out of each other until you’re both in a delicious state of anxiety, torn between wanting to stay and enjoy the multi-leveled sensual feast and wanting to get home right now and fuck like bunnies
8. Go home, take off some of those aforementioned ‘key elements’ of lingerie (i.e., everything but the stockings and suspenders and high heels) … and yes, fuck like bunnies … really dirty bunnies …
Happy Valentines Day!

Jack Carrer for BaDoink.com

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February 14, 2015
My Valentine Sex List

What’s yours? ❤

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February 14, 2015
Unexpected Valentine

Oh that Rick! What a friend! What a guy!!

I’m visiting Rick in San Francisco for three days. Jeff, our actor friend in El Lay, calls excitedly this morning to tell us he’s on TV tonight, featured in a spot on a major soap opera, so I stay in to watch the show, which is scheduled for 9 p.m. It’s an inconvenient time, because it’s impossible to go out for dinner before, and afterwards it’s too late. Then, too, the timing is wrong for a real movie either before or after, consequently one small segment of a soap opera interferes with the entire evening. Another friend who promised to call didn’t keep his promise, so I take that as an omen, in addition to feeling a certain sense of loyalty to Jeff, and decide to stay in with a book to read –even though it’s the night before Valentine’s Day, and I figure there will be Major Action in the streets, in the bars, in the clubs or everywhere, despite the fact that it’s a Sunday night.

At 8:30 Rick arrives with a spectacularly good looking fellow. Rick introduces the friend, Brad, whom he’s just met at the Jackhammer, a leather bar in the Mission District. Brad is about twenty-two, six foot three, lean, with short blond hair, smooth fair skin, wearing tight jeans, no shirt, black boots, and a leather jacket. After a bit of idle chat, Rick and Brad go downstairs to Rick’s Rec Room (which has become equally famous – or infamous – as Rick’s Wreck Room) while I stay upstairs in the guest room with book and TV. Rick says maybe they’ll come up and watch the show, but I have my doubts, assuming they’ll be otherwise engaged.

At 8:55 I turn on the TV to watch the soap opera. It’s completely idiotic, and Jeff’s appearance lasts about two seconds. His opening moments are fine, and I watch the rest of the show, expecting he will reappear, but he doesn’t. Meanwhile, Rick and Brad are downstairs having a much better time, I’m absolutely certain, than I am. I feel I’ve made a mistake, both by staying in and by watching the stupid TV show, and I feel ripped off by my loyalty to Jeff. It occurs to me to telephone him and ask how much he gets paid for acting stupid on a show that’s already idiotic, but I check the urge and keep my bad attitude to myself for a change.

Just after 10, there’s a tap at my door. Rick is standing there, handsome, muscular, and naked except for his suntan from Costa Rica and a towel in his hand. He says: “I told Brad you’d give him a blowjob. Come on downstairs. He’s waiting for you.” Incredulous, I ask: “Are you kidding?” From the look on his face, I can tell he’s not kidding, so I abandon the book and take off my shirt, muttering half out loud: “I’m not quite sure what to wear.” “You’re fine! You’re just fine!” he assures me. “But…but…” I stammer. “But what?” says Rick. “But have you finished with him?” I have to ask. Rick smiles enigmatically and replies: “I’ve gone as far as I can go. Now it’s up to you.” Scarcely believing my good fortune or Rick’s generosity, as well as wondering what Brad’s attitude might be about this whole thing, I accept the invitation, of course, telling Rick “Thanks!” and he answers: “Thank Brad, don’t thank me.” Then I descend the stairway and go into Rick’s Rec Room. The room smells of sex and poppers. Brad is on the bed, lying on his back, naked except for a leather collar and a cock ring. His eyes are wide open, he has a delicate, slightly rococo armband tattooed on his upper arm, and his long, lean body, in complete repose, is clearly receptive. “What a pretty picture!” I say, almost in awe. Rick agrees, adding: “He’s a beautiful man!” Brad doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t have to. I sit on the edge of the bed and begin to run my fingers over Brad’s tight, flat belly. Rick goes to the top of the bed near Brad’s head, leans over, and begins to kiss him. Brad moans gently, and his cock begins to swell. I put my mouth on the head of it and taste a savory combination of sweat and lube. His hips began to rock under me, and as Rick kisses him and plays with his nipples, I gently begin to suck on his cock and lift his balls. Rick gives us each a hit of poppers, and the three of us begin to make love in wondrous synchronicity. As I suck on blond Brad, I can see Rick’s dark cock getting bigger and bigger, and I wish I could suck on them both at the same time.

The unspoken message is to please Brad, so together Rick and I pay our separate and various attentions to Brad, who remains surprisingly recumbent and passive. Gradually, we get him, as well as ourselves, hotter and hotter. Suddenly Rick stands up and exits the room, leaving me unexpectedly alone with this tall, exquisite youth. For a moment I feel like a usurper. I’m confused, wondering: Why am I here? How did this happen? Do I deserve this extraordinary feeling of trust? Why is Rick sharing him? Why has Rick left? The moment of doubt passes, and I begin simply to enjoy the feelings. Brad loves to be touched, anywhere, everywhere. His skin is flawless, his chest perfection, and his responses to my touch on his skin are almost orgasmic. So much so I wonder what drug he might be on. I run my fingers and lips over his body, and he throbs in response. I suck on his balls and run my hands over his legs. In turn, he draws up his left leg, inviting access to his innermost parts, and slowly, gently I put my right hand into his ass, all the while playing with his upper body and flat belly with my left hand and continuing, the whole time, to suck on his cock, which gets harder or softer, in my mouth, in gradual sequences. At one point, Brad puts his left hand around his cock and begins to play with it, watching as I bite his nipples and play with the rest of his body. I put my hand in his butt once more, and he shoots his wad, wordlessly, all across his flat, muscled belly. I rip off my T-shirt and underwear, grease up my dick, and masturbate on top of Brad’s recumbent form, as he looks up at me. Rick returns, puts his arms around me first, from behind, then hugs us both and leaves the room once again. It is reassuring and odd at the same time.

Brad still has his hand on his cock, and the sight of this beautiful man lying under me makes me crazy. I shoot off in what seems only an instant, and we lie there, close together, and with my fingertips I rub the cum into that tight, youthful body until it disappears into his skin. Brad says: “I’m cold,” and pulls the covers over him, then goes into a sleep-like trance. I get a drink of water and go upstairs to look for Rick, who is stretched out on my bed, naked, suntanned and spectacular, calmly looking at the book I had abandoned an hour or two earlier. We compare notes about Brad’s astonishing beauty. Rick tells me how he first perceived Brad in the bar, bare-chested, his jacket hanging off one shoulder, tall and so incredibly stunning that no one dared approach him. Always ready for a challenge, Rick set his sights on the unknown boy, shined his magic light, and within moments they’ve left the bar together to come back to the house for a drink, etcetera.

Now it’s two hours later. Rick and I agree that Brad was On Something, but neither of us can determine exactly what it was. Maybe a little pot; maybe a bit of speed, too. Probably a mixture. In any case, he’s extremely high and astonishingly sensitive to touch; no doubt that’s why he more or less passed out. We go back downstairs to look at him, try to get him to talk, which he doesn’t or can’t, and Rick opines, not unhappily: “I think Brad’s going to stay the night.” Five minutes later, much to our surprise, Brad awakens and gets up.

Each of us has a shower, we have a drink and talk for a few minutes in the kitchen. Brad doesn’t have a lot to say, and it doesn’t matter. I ask him why his skin is so sensitive. He smiles a slightly shy, dazzling smile, and replies ingenuously: “I guess that’s something I get from my mother.”

Everyone says goodnight, Rick drives Brad home, and I change the sheets, which are a mess, but that’s why God invented washing machines, isn’t it? Then I make up Rick’s bed and leave a chocolate for him on the pillow, as at any good hotel. That’s the very least he deserves.

Counting my blessings, I’ve determined that Rick has gone St. Valentine one better. His behavior is not exactly saintly, and he has no inclination whatever to become St. Rick. Nor does this have anything to do with sentimentality or sweethearts or Victoria’s Secrets or heart-shaped, red candy boxes. Nonetheless, Rick’s generosity, charity and cleanliness are beyond, if not above, godliness, and tonight’s gift was as unique, unforgettable, and spontaneous as it was – how shall I say? – deeply appreciated. Furthermore the night before Valentine’s Day is not yet over, and tomorrow night, if we choose, there’s still plenty of time to Go Out!

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February 13, 2015
Making A Sex list For Valentine’s Day

Many people have a bucket list of things they want to do before they die. Well I think even more important than that would be to have a sexual bucket list or sex list, if you will. So bear with me while I try to give you some ideas on things you can add to your own sex list and no, that does not mean I am giving you my personal list. A girl has to keep some secrets, doesn’t she?

Let’s start right off with a big one which is on many guy’s (and believe it or not, many girl’s) minds … How about talking to your partner about becoming a swinger? There are a lot of resources out there, such as my site, to help guide you through this big decision, and it is not to be taken lightly. Both partners must be willing to try swinging or it will just not work.

Now let’s say you are already a swinger, or maybe just quite adventurous. One thing you may not have tried yet is to be part of an Orgy. Yes, I’m talking about having sex in a group situation. According to Wikipedia, “an orgy is a sex party where guests freely engage in open and unrestrained sexual activity or group sex.” Sounds good to me! Having an orgy is a common sexual fantasy, so why not add it to your Sexlist and work on making it a reality?

If an orgy sounds too intimidating, how about trying a threesome? Even if you don’t have a same sex fantasy, there are other options available. A threesome can be two “straight” girls concentrating their sexual prowess on one guy, with no interaction between the ladies. Same can be said for two guys with one girl. Everyone can still have lots of fun, trust me. Oops, did I let out one of my secrets?

If you like to travel, let’s add going on a Swinger’s Cruise Takeover, where an entire cruise ship gets chartered just for one big party on the high seas. Not a water baby, then there are also resort takeovers which may tickle your fancy.

If some of my suggestions so far have been a little bit out there for you to even consider, let me give you a couple of more traditional things you many want to try.

How about trying some new sex positions? Admit it, the same old position all the time can get a little boring after a while, so let’s take it to the next level. If not a new position, let’s go for a change of scenery. Try it in the shower, on the living room couch (like when you were a teenager), or in the car. As they say a change is as good as a rest. Let’s be more sexually spontaneous, you won’t regret the reaction.

Along with the new sex positions, how about we take a look for your (or her) g-spot? It’s in there somewhere, and once you find it your world will no longer be the same. I hope I’ve been able to ignite your sexual creativity, and you will come up with a VERY adventurous sex list. Please let me know what you come up with, I’m always looking to add to my list of things to do/try. 😉

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February 13, 2015
Alone for Valentine’s?

Alone for Valentine’s? You CAN Still Get Off…

… with yourself. Who says that you have to be partnered and who has the audacity to condition you into thinking that Valentine’s Day is only for lovers? As you will know if you have read my column here on SimplySxy before – I am a great fan of masturbation. I am also a believer in the art of self-love so let’s get to it…

Picture it: Valentine’s Day 2015, you, yourself and a box of tricks 😉 Draw the blinds, turn the lights down low and get yourself ready by taking a romantic bath with flickering candles and soft music in the background.

And if you’re struggling to picture that, if you can’t quite see how to make that much effort ‘just’ for yourself, allow me to tell you a story…

Once upon a time I was in the supermarket where I go very regularly and the girl at the checkout knows me well. I was putting my produce of a huge turkey, candles, bottle of Champagne, sumptuous dessert and various entrées and nibbles onto the conveyor belt and as she was scanning the items she said:

‘Expecting company?’

‘No’ I replied

‘I thought you lived on your own?’ said the cheeky cashier.

‘I do. This is all for me. I’m taking myself to dinner’ she looked a little shocked, then confused. It seems that we as human beings are looked upon as ‘odd’ when we show ourselves some lovin’. I find this incredibly sad. I also find it depressing that so many of us actually dread ‘VDay’ – sounds a little like ‘D-Day’ don’t you think?

So how can you take a tip or two from my supermarket experience? Can you take yourself to dinner on Valentine’s and make love to yourself all night long? I’ve written loads about masturbation and how to get you off but I have also written loads about how loneliness can kill us from the inside out. Let’s put a stop to that right now and realise that we are worth it.

Let me just give you a few more practical hints to get you going…

You know that ‘box of tricks’ I mentioned? Well you can turn this into a treasure chest by placing your favourite sex toys, underwear (man) lingerie (woman), cock rings, clit teasers, candles, scented oils and maybe even your favourite DVD and/or magazine which may or may not be porn related. Whatever floats your boat. Then… keep the box for special occasions just as you would save your special underwear for that special guest.

Tonight you are that special guest. You are in for a treat…

Do as I described previously: dim the lights and get yourself in the mood to really take the time to enjoy your body and your evening alone with the best person you know: you.

Please do also take a look at my previous articles here on SimplySxy on Masturbation, which will take you to the place few have been – a place so special it would be a shame to miss out by distracting yourself with a night on the town. You can go out on the town anytime – make this night for YOU.

Choose this moment on this day to really remind yourself what love is all about. Don’t get drawn into all that commercialised crap and simply be the sexy loving human being that you are. I trust you … Yes: I do 🙂

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February 12, 2015
A Very Moist Valentine

What miracles the female body performs; Menstruation, ovulation, conception, gestation, parturition, lactation and female ejaculation. Perhaps what defines the female form more than anything is its insistent generation of fluids. Women’s bodies are wet!

But all that juicy opulence can be offensive to our civilized sensibilities. We are admonished to contain it and control it. And some people seem to need to shame it.

Take female ejaculation for instance. Despite the fact that today’s scientists and the medical establishment do not agree on whether it even exists, knowledgeable physicians have been writing about female ejaculation since the 16th century. Before that, Aristotle extolled the erotic virtues of female ejaculation about 300 B.C.

In 1886 the psychiatrist Richard von Krafft-Ebing classified female ejaculation a sexual perversion resulting from homosexuality. Perhaps he was anticipating the former prostitute Almeda Sperry’s 1918 letter to Emma Goldman in which she refers to the “rhythmic spurt of your love juices.”

Indigenous cultures are often more connected to the body and lack the religiously induced shame which can characterize more “civilized” society. For instance, the Batoro people of Uganda seem well acquainted with female ejaculation. Referred to as Kachapati, it means literally “spray the wall,” and is taught to young women by older women as preparation for marriage. Although, some of us may have personal experience of this level of proficiency, I imagine it must require a certain degree of skill to project female ejaculate so that it sprays the wall!

You might think that given the extensive history of acknowledging the fact of female ejaculation, modern medical research would not be obsessed with disproving it today. But you would be wrong.

As women’s health writer Rebecca Chalker asserts, “the suggestion that women can expel fluid from their genital area as part of sexual arousal [is] ‘one of the most hotly debated questions in modern sexology.’”

And indeed it seems to be.

Sometimes I wonder if there might a political agenda to all this fuss about whether women have a prostate or if they ejaculate and what that ejaculate is composed of. I say this because I can think of so many other areas of focus where medical research is really needed to improve the human condition. Instead, a lot of time is spent trying to assert that women do not share anatomical similarities with men.

For instance, recent headlines such as “Scientists Conclude That Squirting Is Just ‘An Involuntary Emission Of Urine’” and “Squirting is Just Pee, Say Scientists,” announced the results of a 2014 study by Researchers Salama, Boitrelle, Gauquelin, Malgrida, Thiounn and Desvaux. They concluded that “The present data based on ultrasonographic bladder monitoring and biochemical analyses indicate that squirting is essentially the involuntary emission of urine during sexual activity, although a marginal contribution of prostatic secretions to the emitted fluid often exists.” [emphasis mine]

And there they leave it. They offer no explanation for why female ejaculate contains the same chemical marker as male ejaculate (prostatic-specific antigen or PSA), nor why it occurs in female ejaculate but not in female urine.

In contrast, the 2007 research results of Wimpissinger, Stifter, Grin and Stackl found that, biochemically, “the fluid emitted during orgasm showed all the parameters found in prostate plasma in contrast to the values measured in voided urine.” What that means is that female ejaculate is very similar in chemical composition to male ejaculate. It does not resemble urine. Further they conclude that their data “. . . underline[s] the concept of the female prostate both as an organ itself and as the source of female ejaculation.”

In all fairness to the 2014 research, however, we do need an explanation for why the women in their study emptied their bladders prior to ejaculation only to have their bladders quickly fill again during sexual stimulation. Although the concept is still controversial, some have advanced the theory that copious amounts of female ejaculate are stored in the bladder via something referred to as retrograde ejaculation. Female Ejaculation expert, Deborah Sundahl, refers to this in her book “Female Ejaculation and The G-Spot.” It would be wonderful if the next bit of research into female ejaculation focused on this. It seems quite plausible and could be dependent upon the size, shape and position of the female prostate, all of which varies in women.

So who should you believe?

I strongly recommend that you believe your own body.

Why? Because I didn’t. And not trusting the wisdom of my body brought me a lot of emotional confusion and pain as a young woman.

Ejaculation came to me naturally. I had never heard of it but I had never heard it was pee, either. So I assumed all women did it and it was a normal part of female sexuality. Then I read a stupid response to a reader’s letter in Penthouse forum. The reader wanted to know why she was expelling large quantities of an unfamiliar liquid at the moment of orgasm. And the Penthouse “expert” replied that the reader was “incontinent” and should seek medical help for her “condition.”

I was horrified. Had I been wetting the bed all this time? The shame overcame me and I resolved never to do that again. But I couldn’t figure out how to have an orgasm without ejaculating. Since shame had a lot of power over me at that time, I betrayed my own body’s truth and my need for pleasure and fulfillment. Instead I resorted to having sex which left me devoid of orgasms. It is embarrassing to admit that now, all these years later. But there are women doing the same thing today.
Today I know better. And fortunately you can benefit from the experience and expertise of women like me, who know better. There will always be research which conflicts with other research and if we allow that to veto our personal experiences – our personal truth – then we are abdicating one of the most important roles we have in this life: that of showing up as our own unique self!

If you don’t ejaculate, please don’t try to “measure up” and “compete” with some imaginary sexual standard. One reason female sexual pleasure is so controversial is because many of us are afraid we are doing it “wrong.” We crave confirmation that we are “normal.” Well regardless of whether your orgasms are dry or soaking the whole bed, you ARE normal!

Love yourself. Love your body. And please have a very moist Valentine’s Day whether that moisture comes from your saliva, your vaginal secretions, your breast milk or your ejaculate. Your female body is a marvelous gift built for pleasure. Celebrate that in all the ways which are unique to you!

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February 11, 2015
How to ace a Valentine date online

Tell us if this sounds familiar, gentlemen: around this time last year, you joined “The Lonely Bros Sulk-Over-Tiger Beer Gathering” as a last resort to fill that Valentine’s Day void which, ideally, should’ve been filled by that “Queen of Your Heart” you had a crush on since secondary school. Seeing that V-Day is round the corner, the team at SERIOUSLY MAN (SM) feels that securing a date ASAP is very much as doable as a VS model, let alone securing a date itself. Don’t get us wrong, we are not going in any of our classic self-aggrandizing direction here. Because with the advent of mobile dating apps like Tinder and Singapore based Paktor, dating has now come with serious ease. All you have to do is take the first flight out into the Tinderverse! The best part is, you get to do it from the comfort of your bedroom in the middle of a commercial break.

Now, how exactly do you accomplish the tall task of asking a girl who barely trusts you out on a short notice? To ensure the quality of the following tips that even the app makers themselves might not know, Team SM immersed into said apps for months and months for research. After a highly complex process of statistical calculations, hypothesis proving and refinery, it came down to this simple 3-step approach to convince a ravishing Tinderella out for Valentine’s.

All. Under. 24 hours.

SET UP THE PERFECT PROFILE

Ok fine, so there’s no such thing as perfection. So let’s go with the rather clichéd oxymoronic “you’re perfectly imperfect”. Surely there’s something interesting about you, even though you have a knack of communicating to acquaintances that you’re a boring software engineer with nothing much going on in your life. It’s all about the phrasing in your personal bio. Never ever leave that blank! Passionate about your MMORPG games? Have a secret recipe to an amazing Tiramisu? Proudly wear that badge on your bio!

Yay: “Just your average oh-so-boring engineer in thick frame specs. Transform into a gamer geek on weekends. Diablo, DOTA 2, Assassin’s Creed, conquered them all. Hey, don’t get me wrong, I’m still game for a coffee date. Might just dia-blow your mind ;)”

Nay: “Your friendly neighbourhood engineer. Looking for a nice girl to go out with on Valentine’s Day. [Smiley]”

Hold your horses, there’s still your profile pictures to be taken care of. We can go on all day and all night about douchey gym selfies or grainy shots of you with your drunk bros. These apps pride on superficiality. Your chosen pictures need to showcase your best self! Your most handsome facial angle, your best hairstyle, your sharpest suit, you in action at Laser Tag etc.

If you don’t have any of those, get cracking. Find a photographer friend to have your shots professionally taken or one of those hobbyist (there are millions of them) to at least get some decent ones out. Don’t go complaining now, it’s worth every bit of the trouble. You’ll give us serious thanks later.

As a rule of thumb, have a set comprising of the following: a frontal smiley shot of you posing in front of a conversation-starter-worthy background, a photo capturing you indulging in your choice of sports and a “#OOTD” of yourself in a bespoke suit. Take it from us: the gentlemen can do “#OOTDs” too.

GET HER DIGITS!

Sure, these apps are made for swiping and meeting new ladies. But whoever said it’s made for chatting? Take it out of there and into the proper channels! Well, at least it makes for a good excuse to get her number, right? You don’t have much time left to fix a V-date, let alone trying to fruitlessly convince her on the app chat itself that you’re her knight in shining armor. The ladies on these apps can be flakier than cornflakes. Acting fast is of utmost importance. Therefore, once you spot that little gap in the opportunity window, take that first flight out into Whatsapp (or any other free messaging apps you and your potential date use).

Excuse of the day: “Ok this is really bugging me but my app doesn’t give me any notifications. Let’s take this lovely conversation into somewhere only we know ;)”

Rule of thumb: Remember how we have to do this all under 24 hours? Time is ticking! Based on our studies, give or take her rate of reply, you SHOULD be getting her digits within 2 hours right from the moment you start the chat with your match. Our in-house record has been set at 3 minutes 13 seconds.

BE MY VALENTINE!

Play a “knock, knock” joke as a conversation opener after you have successfully gotten the number. Or any of your own unique ones you feel exceptionally confident in. Your goal here is to get a good, fun banter going on before you pull the “Be my Valentine!” trigger. The proverb “strike while the iron is hot” would be most appropriate here; there is already some comfort level established from the fact that she gave you her number, and now, the onus is on you to draw her attention to V-day. Casually bring it up.

“Cute pup you got there in your profile picture. You are a dog person aren’t you?”
“[… … It doesn’t matter what she says … …]”
“Cool. So who’s going to take care of her when you’re out on your hot Valentine’s date?”
[The lady may/may not have a date fixed, and she may/may not make it explicitly known. But hey, she’s on a dating app and she gave you her number, it’s going to take a blatant fool to screw this up now.]

If she is available: “What, how can a lady like you not have a V-date? Well, you’re single, I’m single, so … I don’t see why we shouldn’t go out on a coffee date and make out like a couple of crazy love birds right there on the café couch.

If she is unavailable: Erm, you have another match on Tinder or Paktor, don’t you? See, what did we say about time running out? Some other asshole beat you to her.

Everyone is on dating apps these days and it shouldn’t be difficult at all to find a few matches to garner a date for V-day. You might even see your own female friends on it (courtesy dictates that you swipe right on them anyway). Provided that you have diligently done your homework and adhered to our tried-and-tested guide to score a V-date from your smart phone, we can almost guarantee you there is not a need in the world to participate in part two of “Lonely Bros Sulk-Over-Tiger Beer Gathering”.

This article has been republished with permission from Seriously Man.

Feature image courtesy of Shutterstock.
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February 11, 2015
Fifty Shades of Valentine

Valentine’s Day is traditionally a celebration of cupids, confections, and crimson, but many lovers are moving beyond chocolates and red roses. This year, lovers are looking for a bit of kink along with the romance. E.L. James’s mega-hit, Fifty Shades of Grey, has spawned more than a movie this Valentine’s Day. The unreleased film has already made movie history as the fastest selling R-rated title in Fandango history, supplanting “Sex and the City 2.″ Patrons’ demands have caused theater owners across the globe to offer additional screenings on Friday, February 13^th, a very lucky Friday the 13^th for many.

Those looking for something early might consider The Fifty Shades of Grey soundtrack, complete with sultry singles by Ellie Goulding, Beyoncé, Jessie Ware, Sia, Annie Lennox and even Frank Sinatra, which will hit stores on February 10^th.

Set the stage with a Fifty Shades of Grey vanilla scented candle in a glass container etched with the words “So Smoking Hot.” The music and the candle should prepare you for a glass of Fifty Shades Wine. Pick white, a blend of primarily Gewürztraminer and Sauvignon Blanc, or red, a blend of primarily Petite Sirah and Syrah aged in a combination of new and seasoned French oak barrels. Author E.L. James’s signature embosses each bottle.

After the music, wine, reading and lube, Vermont Teddy Bear has come up with a memorable gift. Described as “daring, passionate, exciting next-to-skin touch with silky, smoky Grey fur; smoldering Grey eyes; a handsome grey suit and silver tie. He even comes with a mask and handcuffs.”

Perhaps you’re not a fan of Fifty Shades of Grey, because let’s face it, not everyone is. I have rounded up a group of books so intense and erotic, you will fall upon the first surface you find and have a nice go at it with the partner of your choice. Heck, with a couple of these steamy reads, you may want more than one partner.

My personal favorite erotic series is The Stark Trilogy by J. Kenner. Everyone could use a little Damien Stark in their lives.

Title: Release Me
Series: Stark Trilogy #1
Author: J. Kenner

Blurb:
For fans of Fifty Shades of Grey and Bared to You comes an erotic, emotionally charged romance between a powerful man who’s never heard “no” and a fiery woman who says “yes” on her own terms.

He was the one man I couldn’t avoid. And the one man I couldn’t resist.
Damien Stark could have his way with any woman. He was sexy, confident, and commanding: Anything he wanted, he got. And what he wanted was me.

Our attraction was unmistakable, almost beyond control, but as much as I ached to be his, I feared the pressures of his demands.
Submitting to Damien meant I had to bare the darkest truth about my past—and risk breaking us apart.

But Damien was haunted, too. And as our passion came to obsess us both, his secrets threatened to destroy him—and us—forever. Release Me is an erotic romance intended for mature audiences.

Title: Bared to You
Series: Crossfire #1
Author: Sylvia Day

Blurb:
“Full of emotional angst, scorching love scenes, and a compelling storyline.”—Dear Author

THE NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER
Gideon Cross came into my life like lightning in the darkness…

He was beautiful and brilliant, jagged and white-hot. I was drawn to him as I’d never been to anything or anyone in my life. I craved his touch like a drug, even knowing it would weaken me. I was flawed and damaged, and he opened those cracks in me so easily…

Gideon knew. He had demons of his own. And we would become the mirrors that reflected each other’s most private wounds…and desires.The bonds of his love transformed me, even as i prayed that the torment of our pasts didn’t tear us apart…

Title: Hardwired
Series: Hacker
Author: Meredith Wild

Blurb:
Determined to overcome a difficult past, Erica Hathaway learns early on to make it on her own. Days after her college graduation, she finds herself face to face with a panel of investors who will make or break her fledgling startup. The only thing she didn’t prepare for was going weak in the knees over an arrogant and gorgeous investor who seems determined to derail her presentation.

Billionaire and rumored hacker Blake Landon has already made his fortune in software, and he’s used to getting what he wants. Captivated by Erica’s drive and unassuming beauty, he’s wanted nothing more than to possess her since she stepped into his boardroom. Determined to win her over, he breaks down her defenses and fights for her trust, even if it means sacrificing a level of control he’s grown accustomed to.

But when Blake uncovers a dark secret from Erica’s past, he threatens not just her trust, but the life she’s fought so hard to create.

And now I’d like to introduce two authors who I was reading well before the post E. L. James Erotica Boom hit.

Maya Banks Sweet series stole my breath and my heart, usually at the same time. This series, specifically, revolves around a group of friends all looking for some sort of love. Some wish to dominate, some are submissive, there’s a bit of sharing here and there, and then there’s just some plain Jane, vanilla, sweet, home-grown love that still burns hot in the sack. Maya Banks has several different series, the Sweet series being the only one I’ve read, but I’ve heard amazing things about her KGI series.

Title: Sweet Surrender
Author: Maya Banks
Series: Sweet Series

Blurb:
Under Faith Malone’s deceptively soft exterior lies a woman who knows exactly what she wants: a strong man who’ll take without asking—because she’s willing to give him everything…

Dallas cop Gray Montgomery is on a mission: find the guy who killed his partner and bring him to justice. So far, he’s found a link between the killer and Faith—and if Gray has to get close to her to catch the killer, so be it.

Faith is sweet and feminine, everything Gray wants and desires in a woman, but he suspects she’s playing games. No way would she allow a man to call the shots in their relationship. Or would she?

Faith sees in Gray the strong, dominant man she needs, but he seems determined to keep her at a distance. So she takes matters into her own hands to prove to him it’s no game she’s playing. She’s willing to surrender to the right man. Gray would like to be that man. But catching his partner’s killer has to be his first priority—until Faith is threatened and Gray realizes he will do anything to protect her…

Opal Carew is a writer who takes risks. Her erotica is no holds barred and not for the weak of heart. I’ve read a few different books by her and always end up loving them, but the amount of times my jaw drops usually reaches uncountable proportions. Her women are strong, and even though they don’t always know what they want until they get it, they always end up in romances perfect for their needs. She is an author I would advise only reading if you’re open-minded and you enjoy a steamy read, because I promise there will be steam.

Title: Swing
Author: Opal Carew

Blurb:
It all started with an innocent request…Melissa’s friend Shane asked her to accompany him on a business trip to an exclusive resort. But The Sweet Surrender is no ordinary vacation spot–it’s for men and women who swing. As Melissa mingles with the other guests and discovers the resort’s fantasy rooms, she’s tempted to explore her naughty side and live out her most sinful fantasies—but she isn’t prepared for the storm of desire that awaits. She soon finds herself torn between two men, one of her oldest friends and a handsome stranger who belongs to another. Both men bring her the most exquisite pleasure, but which man will win her heart?

Her work has been described as “scorching,” “intoxicating” and “brilliant,” and this is Opal Carew’s hottest novel yet. Visit The Sweet Surrender and sample its decadent pleasures for yourself…if you can take the heat.

Can you take the heat? With excerpts from one or all of these books, you and your partner are guaranteed a good time. Also, let’s not forget those without Valentine’s Day dates. Grab that glass of wine, one of your favorite pleasure toys, a before mentioned book, and crawl under the covers for a sexy night for one. Who knows, you may very well have a better time than your friends who are out on dates. You won’t disappoint yourself.

Images courtesy of Francesca Miller
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February 10, 2015
Seven Reasons Why Sex on Any Day of the Year is Just as Good (if not better) as Sex on Valentine’s Day

In case you couldn’t tell by the title, I very much dislike Valentine’s Day and all that it stands for; you will never find me glorifying V-Day and all of its lovey-dovey-ness. Normally I try to stay impartial in my writing but I just can’t with this. It is a Halmarky, socially and culturally constructed crappy holiday that I believe does more harm than good for people, coupled or not. Partners should show affection, praise, support, appreciation and authentic sentiments of love throughout the whole year; “I love you” isn’t said with chocolate truffles. So to push back on all of the annual Valentine’s Day hype, I have listed my top reasons why sex and love (not saying those two things always go hand in hand) is just as good if not better throughout the year. All cupid lovers may want to avert their eyes.

1. You don’t have to sit through a fancy dinner
Homemade dinner or not, sometimes you just don’t want to wait to get a little frisky with your partner. But there are these unspoken steps that are in this unwritten Valentine’s Day date playbook that say you need to have a nice dinner first before anything else. Then there are these expectations that you can’t eat heavy foods like pasta because they’ll make you bloated or put you in a food coma. And you can’t eat foods like asparagus or garlic that will make your breath and your nether-regions “smell funky”. If you want to get intimate with your partner now and eat later, do it; Valentine’s Day expectations be damned.

2. No need for chocolates and flowers
Again, there is this expectation on V-Day that you must give your partner a heart filled with chocolates and roses or a fancy cologne. But then there is a hidden assumption that if your partner only gets a box of chocolates then that’s a “lame” gift and they should have been more creative and thoughtful with their gift giving, because these gifts are supposed to be tokens of undying love right? So these stereotypical “Valentines” that line drug store shelves all throughout the months of January and February are pretty worthless, even though there is the expectation that you need to buy those things. Forget the chocolates and flowers, especially if you are only buying them to appease your partner and to “score” with them later. That’s not showing your love that’s being selfish.

3. No comparisons need to be made
Despite the gripes listed directly above, there are those people that do go above and beyond on V-Day with the diamonds. It is great to buy something really nice for your partner (if you have the means, which many don’t), but money doesn’t buy love. And we all have those friends, or even ex-partners around Valentine’s Day who are so eager to show off the diamond necklace their partner got them; or worse people who want to compare notes on the sacred Valentine’s Day sex. I don’t celebrate V-Day with my partner and am always asked by co-workers and friends what I “got” for Valentine’s Day and there is always this smug or pitiful look I get when I say “nothing.” We should not view our relationships in comparison to other people and couples around us, about the gifts we receive or the sex we have. Let’s not try to out Valentine each other.

4. No need for expensive Valentine’s Day cards

If you need Hallmark to tell your partner you love them for you, we may have a problem. Sure those cards can help you get started, but if you just sign your name at the bottom and seal it up, how sentimental is that really? Not to mention those cards are $5 each! So you’re paying for someone else to write a poetic verse for your partner that you’re just going to throw away at the end of the month. Why not write your own sweet sentiments instead; it would mean more and cost less.

5. No feelings of being ostracized for being single
V-Day also sucks because it is a holiday for couples only. There seems to be insidious cultural fears that being single means that you’re alone and being alone is bad; Valentine’s Day just enforces that assumption. This elitist (too much?) couples-only holiday completely disregards very happy and content single people, that are perhaps also having awesome single sex not with a committed partner. Valentine’s Day is pretty shaming of single folks. There are these assumptions that if you’re single on V-Day your lonely, sad, depressed and buying boxes of chocolates for yourself to drown out your sorrows. Not true! Embrace the singledom! Single folks having safe fun sex, can be just as fulfilling and enjoyable as couples having safe fun sex.

6. There’s less pressure to perform during sex
I save #6 and #7 for last because I think they are the most important. As mentioned above, there is this sacredness to the sex that is had on Valentine’s Day (que the rose petals). But heaven forbid (pun intended) if you don’t have this superb sex because of performance or arousal issues; this is seen as a big failure. A man’s ability to perform sexually is more culturally important and arguable humiliating than a woman’s ability to become aroused or “get wet” in order to have sex with her partner, largely because men’s sexual satisfaction is valued more than women’s. Having trouble getting excited to have sex can be caused by a multitude of reasons such as medications, mood of the day, alcohol use, the list goes on. And that personal struggle of challenges with performance and arousal should not come with added pressure because it is February 14^th.

7. There’s less pressure to consent to sex …
or less pressure to submit to sex. Women are often expected to have sex, to put out, on Valentine’s Day especially if they are in a committed relationship with their partner. Similar to the high stakes of sexual performance and arousal on V-Day, there’s also high stakes around having sex period. These are some of the common lines many of us may have heard at one point or another; “It’s Valentine’s Day baby, why don’t you want to have sex? Please can we? I bought dinner tonight, and bought you those nice flowers. We can just start slow, you’ll get into it.” Of course this pressure of having sex, maybe not giving enthusiastic consent, coercive sex, is not just a struggle on Valentine’s Day, but every day for women and even men.

As a final public service announcement as we wrap up, no amount of dinners bought, flowers delivered or chocolates given to someone means that anyone of any gender needs to have sex because it is “owed;” especially on a day that is supposed to be filled with love.

Feature image courtesy of Shutterstock.
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February 10, 2015