Tag: Gay

  • What’s in a Gay?

    What’s in a Gay?

    Once upon a loneliness I decided to try something different in order to distract myself from that feeling inside. ‘That’ feeling I had incorrectly identified as loneliness. I have discussed loneliness here on SimplySxy before so I won’t go into it again, I will just reiterate that sometimes loneliness is what it is – and we must address this feeling and make changes in our lives (and in ourselves) that result in us feeling more ‘together’ as individuals and as couples/friends/whatever … and sometimes this ‘loneliness’ isn’t loneliness at all. It’s an itch that we need to scratch. An intuitive sense that something deep within is yet to be satisfied and explored…

    Do you know what heterosexism is? Heterosexism is where society, the media, magazines and mass belief conditions you into assuming that everyone is heterosexual. This results in the gay and bisexual man or woman, often, becoming confused because everywhere they look they are surrounded by images and stories that depict what is ‘normal’.

    The gay man or woman is being exposed to this mass media depicting white, heterosexuals often with a baby selling everything from holidays to shaving foam. Think about it. Think about looking at an advertisement, a magazine, a movie and thinking ‘where am I in all this?’

    How does it feel?

    It is all too common for this heterosexism to result in the gay man or woman (especially when they are younger) to start thinking: ‘There’s something wrong with me’ and ‘Where do I fit in?’. It’s almost as if you are invisible because your sexual preference is invisible.

    Now…..

    I am going to flip that entirely on its head:

    The same applies if you identify as gay and yet you have this heterosexual itch you have yet to scratch. In your gay world of gay magazines, gay movies, gay scene – gay gay gay – there is no room for you to suddenly decide that you want to taste pussy.

    Well fuck that – I did taste pussy, last year, and very nice it was too. Allow me to elaborate…

    The last thing that a gay man would do is eat pussy. Just as the last thing a straight man would do is suck dick. Either preference might dabble on the other side of the fence by fondling, mutual masturbation or voyeurism but in the main – the oral act is the least attractive when talking about performing this on the opposite gender you usually perform it on. So the moral of the story is, although I predominantly would describe myself as ‘a gay man’ – I’m clearly not, by definition.

    So: what’s in a gay? A human being. It really is as simple as that and last year a lady booked an appointment with me (I’m a Sex Worker) and it was a queer (pun intended) turn of events because my website is clearly aimed at men and I promote myself as a ‘Gay Escort’ and ‘Gay Masseur’ so why would a woman want to book? She liked my picture, loved the fact that I am also nurse trained and called me to ask if I would make an exception. It seemed fate was giving me a nudge.

    I pride myself on being as honest as I can be so told the lady that I was very inexperienced with women but would give it a go. I told her that I couldn’t promise bringing her to orgasm (because I had no idea how to do it), that it would kinda be an experiment and that I obviously would charge her less than the advertised price. I couldn’t say fairer than that.

    Later that day…. the female client is on the massage couch, legs akimbo with my face happily buried in her beauty…. my internal thought process went literally like this…

    ‘Oh!  It self-lubricates… wow it tastes so sweet…. hmmm: well I can’t be gay!’. Period.

    There are two sides to every coin and here endeth the lesson in ‘What’s in a gay?’ but you can easily apply it to yourself if you’re straight. Does it really matter that we have itches to scratch and how can we work with our own needs to make this happen? How can we step aside from the heterosexism of the mainstream and the homosexism of the sub culture to just, well, be ourselves?

    Answers on a postcard….


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  • Under Pressure to Perform During Sex

    Under Pressure to Perform During Sex

    So my name is Jakeb Arturio Braden and I have been writing articles and vlogging for many years now on the issues that affect my gay and bisexual brothers.

    So I am bearded and masculine and would classify as a bear of sorts and I have been and seen a lot of changes in things over the past 23 years since I first came out as gay.

    I enjoy sex, good sex, horny sexy feeling that deep connection with another man. I can’t help but think though that as gay and bisexual men we may put too much value in it as a way of expressing ourselves and connecting to each other. Especially in the bear community, every Bear film, photoshoot etc seems to always depict that sex is easy to come by. Always horny and we’re always ready for action at the drop of a hat. I recently watched Bear City 2 and Where the Bears Are Season Three.  Both these showed a parade of hot bears having porn style sex etc. Yes, Iain Parks is horny and physically my ideal bloke even though there are many sexy blokes in Where the Bears Are.

    Now I am not saying that this is necessarily a bad thing! I can’t help but wonder if we put ourselves under undue pressure in regards to our sex lives; what and how sex should be. Perhaps having unfair expectations of ourselves and our sexual partners. I am amazed at how many times guy lose interest because I am not going to turn up at their homes and perform like a porn star. Instant gratification much? Personally, I find the build up as much fun as actually having sex.  What is this really about? Have we really as a community just become a porn film or stereotype forced on us by the Gay Media?

    What is wrong about wanting a bit more from sex? Wanting a sense of connection.

    I am sure that actually, the intense passion and abandonment is more likely with someone you have spent some time to get to know than with someone you feel pressurised to “perform” for!  I’m not saying that it has to be all hearts and flowers, yet don’t we owe it to ourselves and each other to treat each other with a bit more respect than purely seeing each other as sexual objects?


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  • How Gay are You? The question of finding your comfort zone as a gay man

    How Gay are You? The question of finding your comfort zone as a gay man

    For most gay men, the question of how gay they are may have never crossed their mind before. To them, the fact of being gay already makes them stand out among other groups in the society. They spend most of their time dealing with the incredible amount of attention around their sexuality and seldom have time to think through this simple but significant question to them. This question doesn’t just help identify different levels of gay, but more importantly, it pushes gay men to embrace their sexuality and identity as gays.

    The question of how gay you are often comes down to the degree of your acceptance toward your sexuality and identity. For those who are actively promoting equal rights for the LGBT community, it is no doubt that they belong to the level of “truly” gay. They are able to share their sexuality with the general public without fearing any backlash. They can confidently reveal their identity as gays in public and help unite others with their positive examples. Another group of gay men are less outspoken but still support LGBT rights in ways that help sustain the momentum. To me, they belong to the level of “supportive” gay. They may not be standing at the frontline of the parade, but their steady support represents their acceptance of who they really are and their commitment as members to defend the welfare of the LGBT community.

    There are also those who have the desire to be openly gay but are restrained by pressures from all aspects of their lives. They belong to the level of “vaguely” gay who are often forced to maintain a double identity in life. They will secretly seek any means to express their opinions, frustrations or feelings of being gay, but when they are openly confronted by questions regarding their sexuality, they will activate the self-defense system to avoid answering them. However, they are not the most unfortunate ones. There a group of gay men who are never able to accept the fact that they are gay, and forcing themselves into the heterosexual lifestyle which never fits with their true characters. They belong to the level of “confused” gay. In order to live a “normal” lifestyle, they will enter marriages and form families with women. But secretly, they still interact with gay men via all means of communication; dating websites, hookup apps or online chatrooms. This unhealthy lifestyle not only puts those who are with him at risk, but also sets up a vicious cycle of endless self-denial and struggle of finding a clear life-long path.

    Growing up as a gay man in Asia, I have lived through all stages of gay life, and have gone through confusion, self-denial, being outspoken and trying to find the balance in life. To me, there is no definite right or wrong of belonging to any of the four levels of gay, but ensuring that you can live the chosen lifestyle comfortably is important. While being gay is already not easy in this world, having to live a life that may never feel comfortable is an extra layer of torment. For any human, the last thing you want to do will be knowingly letting yourself suffer. It is the same for gay men. So friends, find your comfort zone and cheerfully live the life that you’ve chosen for yourself. Then being what level of gay will no longer matter much to you.


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  • If you are Homophobe, can I call you Gay?

    If you are Homophobe, can I call you Gay?

    Let us imagine a person being born, ages and chooses to and die in, let’s say, Jakarta. For me, this automatically brings up the question of how the system of alternative moral is fabricated because it is in itself, a complicated process as there exists conflicting morals. That’s why an individual who deviates from a rule agreed on by a group is considered an outsider as stated by Howard Becker and when he/she violates the existing norms, he/she is considered a deviant and hence, regarded as a foreigner in the group.

    Being an outsider is a result of normalised norms. Let’s put the norm as a simple definition as a set of regulations established within the community. Hence, in every interaction, we are bound to find some indications of norms in it. But the norm is not “given”. In a world filled with social constructions, the norm then becomes a social construction that is produced from the interactions between human beings which eventually ends up as a moral as these are furthered reinforced. This is prevalent in the instance of LGBTs who are subjected to an established norm that essentially discriminates them as the outsider. For example, the norm of the accepted sexual relation is only between men and women; due to the ability of this union for procreation, while gays, lesbians and transgenders are considered unacceptable and deviant sexual relations because these only exist for the sake of recreation.

    “The sodomite had been a temporary aberration; the homosexual was now a species,” as famously said by the French philosopher, Michael Foucault. This means that the strong regulation about relations of this nature is constructed by the community and helped by the institution and religion. LGBTs in Indonesia are of course, living in a homophobic society.

    Homophobia is generally described as a hostile or feared outlook on one’s sexual orientation due to the other male or female being attracted to one of the same sex and the term attributed to such attitude has been re-coined on several instances: Homosexphobia in 1974, Homosexism in 1976, and Homonegativism in 1980 before the now commonly used Homophobia. In today’s context, homophobia is the fear of the feminine qualities in a man, hence it reinforces some stigmatizations of homosexuals in a heterosexual world. Why the immense negative stigma associated with the term homosexual?

    Historically, under the ancien regime, sodomy was prohibited for religious reasons. It’s called the “silent sin” or “abominable vice”. A sodomy referred to a series of sexual acts considered sins, which included masturbation, oral sex, anal sex, bestiality; in a word, all sexual practices that do not have the goal of procreation. Due to misinterpretation of sodomy being “against nature”, the word “homosexual” thus has a rather negative connotation; in both medical and pathology. Many of the LGBT groups are strongly rejecting the word “homosexual” although the Psychiatric Association of the United States has removed “homosexuality” from its list of mental illnesses in 1973. This was subsequently followed by the World Health Organisation in 1993 and also by the Japanese and Chinese Psychiatric Association in 1995 and 2001.

    If you are a homophobe, do you mind if I change the term to gay?

    The story began with the great gay liberation which took place beginning from the 60’s. The catalyst was a gay confrontation with the police in Christopher Street in Greenwich Village, New York, June 1969. Thereafter, the use of the term “gay” begun. The adoption of this term, served to at least remove the term “homosexuality” as a medical term, and at the same time indicate a more neutral tone and has a connotation of “pride”. But etymologically, what is “gay” exactly?

    “Gay” is a term that describes same-sex attractions felt by both men and women; however some women prefer the term lesbian. The word “gay” first crossed the gender/sex threshold in England during the 16th century, when it was applied to male actors who were cast into female character roles. During the 19th century, Europeans associated the term with heterosexual promiscuity; however it did not cross into sexually diverse communities until much later. As such, “gay” projected an impression of perversity. In the early 20th century, American men and women experiencing same-sex attractions became the first to identify themselves as “gay”, preferring it to the word “homosexual”, a term used primarily by mental health professionals.

    Thus being gay is a matter of being comfortable with oneself; emotionally and physically, as opposed to the term “homosexual” which was considered merely physical. In this case, the term “gay” and “homosexual” are differentiated between sexuality as a practice and as a way of life. Being “gay” is about having a commitment to one’s identity, as in “I’m gay”, “This is who I am” and “This is what I label myself”.

    In the academic world, at present, there appears the study of gay and lesbian, which is dedicated to a study of gay and lesbian, in particular to its history, its nature or sociological evolvement.

    In Indonesia, an attempt to neutralize this term has not yet been extended to the public. As it remains limited to academicians working in the field of LGBT, Sexuality and gender, and language specialist or linguist working in the areas of LGBT literature. Unfortunately, there are still many countries that question the term “gay” as it not only sounds pompous but also creates a certain minority group in society’s structure of hierarchy.

    Thus from the evolvement of the term “homosexual” to “gay” and eventually “queer”, what can we do to give the peoples of LGBT freedom of speech in all aspects? What should they do next?


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  • Lesbian Porn vs. Gay Porn

    Lesbian Porn vs. Gay Porn

    Lesbian porn and gay porn: At first glance, seemed to look like different sides of the same coin. However, it is very difficult to place them into the proverbial box.

    Firstly, lesbian porn is not designed for lesbians. It is designed in the imagery of the heterosexual male’s fantasy. Most sexual positions that are seen in these movies are targeted to arouse men. Take for example the scissors position; it is a very awkward position for women to have their legs and groin in such a pose. It is a pose that takes a lot of effort but with very little returns. However, there is no doubt that the pose is visually stunning on camera.

    Heterosexual men do not have a clear understand on how orgasm in women occurs. Many still have the perception that orgasm only occurs when penetration happens. This is not true. Dr. William Masters, a pioneer in the nature of human sexual response published a paper on this topic in 1966. Dr. Masters found that a clitoral orgasm shows the same sexual response as a vaginal orgasm. If such information has been around for decades, why then is our society still clueless when it comes to matters in bed?

    On the other side of the coin, anal sex or any form of male submission in gay porn is a turn off for heterosexual men. Most straight people have the notion that anal sex is the main sexual satisfaction that gay men are looking for. However, not all gay men want anal sex. There are many gay men that choose to abstain from anal sex but yet have very healthy sexual relationships with their partners. Penetration is not the only way to receive emotional and sexual satisfaction. Like any relationship, one must take the time to find out what sexually stimulates your partner.

    Gay porn is very much interwoven in a gay man’s life; much like heterosexual porn to straight men. Most porn stars have become a household name. If you mention names like Peter Fever and Johnny Rapid, you will definitely strike a chord with a gay man. Last year, there was a great loss in the gay porn industry as well as in the gay community. Koh Masaki, a famous gay porn star died at the age of 29. His death was sudden and tragic. Koh Masaki has starred in over a hundred gay porn films and is known for his good looks, masculinity and passion on scene. He brought joy and comfort to many gay men. Upon his death, millions all of around the world went into mourning together with his partner and his family.

    Porn has many sides and many faces. It has different meanings to different people. Porn is also a heightened version of society’s sexual needs. However, the lack of dialog for such taboo conversations prevents us from having a deeper understanding of the complexity of the human sexual experience. If such open dialog takes place, it can help many understand that homosexual porn is far too dynamic to be stereotyped as different sides of the same coin.

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