BDSM and kink are totally different animals; one is about self-expression and the other is about self-repression. You can think kinky thoughts, wear kinky clothes, do some kinky stuff….but it’s all about perception. In fashion, kink is kind of where avant garde fashion starts. It’s the frontier between the judgment of a person and a community, a status quo and change. BDSM is all about the relationship between two people, based on trust, acceptance, and deep emotional, really, turmoil. The bikini began as kink. New fashion is kink. A spanking is always BDSM. Interest in either or both is probably fetish.
Fetish is wonderful; it is self-expression. Kink is a description of non-mainstream and should be harmless, but God only knows in today’s world of priggish and self-righteous political correctness. BDSM is very private, very complex, and somehow connected to deep psychological issues. Within limits of personal acceptance and common sense concerning safety, it is therapy.
What Is Discipline & How Important Is It?
Discipline is not kink, it is BDSM and therefore, from my perspective, a therapy. It is a salve, not a cure. It responds to a need. I have “treated” people who need to be spanked because they need expiation of their “sins”; a student who wasn’t studying hard enough.
I once had a wife send her husband for the spanking he deserved and agreed that he deserved, but that she was uncomfortable delivering. There are a lot of mommy issues out there! Then there’s the executive who is in control all the time and just wants to be controlled.
I practice Bondage and Discipline at the non-extreme end where emotional and physical safety are paramount. SM overlaps butt morphs toward an extreme that can become very unhealthy and even dangerous. Not what I do.
Why Are People Into Discipline?
As I said, I am a therapist. The key to good therapy is a form of mutual discovery and appropriate treatment given all factors. My first rule is safety, my second is understanding drivers, and my third is respecting limits.
Caning a person who just wants OTK mommy spanks is abuse. OTK spanks is useless therapy for a person who seeks the expiation of a rubber belt thrashing. Sex is a very real part of sessioning, butt only in the mind and behind of the client. They all get aroused….yep….the girls too….and I definitely mind fuck them, but they don’t get any more of me than that. And they love it.
No sex, a lot of vex………that’s the Dom hex.
What Common Rules Are There?
Rules? It’s about roles. I’m like any other therapist. I, we, they, play games to get you where we can help the most and you do what you are told. Within limits.
If he or she wants to act up and it’s part of the role, we work it out with me maintaining control. I have had only one jerk that got out of control and that I had to throw out.
Explore Your Interest Now!
People come to me for a lot of reasons, mostly that they don’t fully understand. I love the challenge of figuring out each set of mind and behind. So many different beginnings. I have a lot of repeat customers!
Mistress Rattan – Mistress in Toronto offering Discipline and Domination
My personality and style as a professional disciplinarian is really no different from my own. I am told I have an assertive style, and that I exude a natural air of authority. I am perceptive generally, and enjoy a meeting of the minds – I love to unpick a person and to find out what really makes them tick. I am firm but fair, very honest, and love to be engaged in interesting conversation about pretty much any topic; I am insatiably curious about people, and the world we live in. I approach people from a place of kindness and a desire to meet their needs (not always their ‘wants’!). Sometimes (often), kindness means a very sore bottom. 🙂
I have a bit of a wicked sense of humour and will often laugh with my bottoms in session. Depending on the type of session, you might catch a little joyous gleam, an evil laugh, or at the very least a mischievous twinkle in my eye. I absolutely adore my work as a disciplinarian.
Inspiration For A Coaching & Discipline Programme
I have always seen the potential of corporal punishment and discipline to help those with the requisite wiring to achieve their goals. While I conduct many different types of sessions, including role play and cathartic release/relaxation, I found increasingly that as I got to know my bottoms, there were areas in their lives that they wanted some help with. It made sense to use my role as an authority figure to help keep them accountable with the changes and goals we’d agreed on.
Creating programmes for them to hold these goals together, and to create a path to success was an easy extra step. I have a pretty broad and deep knowledge base in a wide variety of disciplines, including personal training, health, coaching and lifestyle change, so it was an absolutely natural fit and an extension of my existing skills and expertise to link these to discipline.
Reasons Clients Take Up The Programme
They are incredibly varied, but I’ve worked with clients to help them with stopping smoking, weight loss, various fitness goals, dietary changes, reducing alcohol consumption – even helping with unpacking shame around kink, and helping bottoms to feel more comfortable with who they are.
The scope is pretty much limitless – I create a framework with the person, break those goals down into realistic and achievable chunks, and then track them. Consequences for failure, and rewards for success depend on the individual’s preferences – and ultimately, of course, are at my discretion.
Does Being Punished Create An Incentive?
That’s always a bit of a minefield to manage. I have certainly had experiences with masochists who have attempted to engineer a punishment purposefully. However, this can be managed with creating punishments that are absolutely not fun for the individual (for example, corner time, non-spanking or refusal of session time, line-writing etc).
I will always remind an individual that ultimately, it is their goal, and their wish to achieve it that provides the motivation – they only sabotage themselves in their desire for punishment. For a masochist, therefore, a reward can be a punishment-themed session. It’s complicated, but it works as long as I have a grasp of the psychology of the individual – happily, to date, this has been an arrangement that works well.
Advantages Of The Programme
The advantages are the same as any vanilla coaching programme – the client has a coach in their corner, working with them to keep them accountable, with the added bonus of being able to leverage a predilection for punishment to drive change. For someone with a spanking or corporal punishment fetish, the underlying drive is wanting to please, and absolutely never wanting to disappoint the person they allow to wield authority over them. This is incredibly powerful and effective. You get the best of all worlds; a coach helping you, an authority figure motivating you and inspiring you to keep your promises to her, and a corporal punishment session that will either align with deeply-held fantasies, or provide the sharp and unpleasant shock required to get you back on track. The combination of goals with corporal punishment really is a match made in heaven.
In terms of choosing to do a programme with me – well, as I’ve alluded to previously, I’ve got an excellent and highly relevant knowledge base that gives me the ability to give clients specialised input. Additionally, I have my own gym which I will use for clients for fitness testing etc for that extra level of accountability. From a corporal punishment perspective, I’ve got a reputation for not taking prisoners. You’ll get disciplined, and you’ll know about it.
What To Expect Prior To Starting The Programme
You need to be realistic – if you actually just want to be punished, then apply for a session and we can do that. If you genuinely want to change one or a few aspects of your life, then apply for a programme. I invest in your well-being and success, so it’s important that you do too. You need to have a clear idea of what you want to achieve, and for those goals to be based in reality. You also need to be able to attend the sessions regularly to make the programme work. Generally, I work on the basis of a monthly session for programmes. How you report in will vary with your budget and the types of goals you’re pursuing.
While you may have a fantasy of a super-strict disciplinarian who will mercilessly thrash you for any indiscretion, that really isn’t the best way to achieve change. I’ll work with you to make sure you are consistent. Punishments and consequences will be discussed and made very clear. I will encourage you, support you, and respect you as a human being who cannot be perfect, but I will also hold you accountable. I’ve helped many people achieve things they didn’t believe they could; you are no different!
Miss Haldane – A highly educated, intelligent and intuitive disciplinarian. Based near Birmingham, UK, she offers both in person and online sessions, providing a professional disciplinary service for suitable applicants; a safe space for them to be who they want to be, and to explore and express their long-held disciplinary needs and fantasies. Sessions vary from role play, to cathartic release, to structured goals and accountability coaching programmes – whichever direction they take, they are tailored to the individual, and crafted at the hands of a lady who truly ‘gets’ – and loves – CP.
We continue our Mistress Iceni feature on exploring spanking and discipline here!
What Goes On In A Session & Favorite Props To Use
First of all we decide pre-session if we will start on arrival or sit and have a chat first for you to settle in. Some role plays will begin at the front door, which can be thrilling – you have arrived home at your Aunt’s house to find her very annoyed about something/you are visiting your bossy new neighbour who suspects you have been peeping on her and have stolen her underwear from the washing line/you are reporting to the headmistress’ study after school for detention and so on.
In these cases, you will be led through to the study and usually given a thorough scolding and interrogation about your behaviour. I like to start my sessions with an over the knee hand spanking to warm up the bottom. This is a good way to forge a connection across my knee before we proceed, and to reduce any resistance: once the pants come down, so does the attitude, I find. Then we would move on to a variety of positions – over the school desk, lying face down on the red leather sofa, touching your toes, strapped to the Eton Flogging Block and so on, and I would use several of my implements.
My spanking sessions can be relentless, but I will also give you regular breaks maybe in corner time, holding a stress position, hands on your head and pants round your knees. If it is a scholastic/Governess/home tutor session I would incorporate tasks like writing lines/essays/prepare a presentation/memory tasks/tests. I absolutely love scolding so often I will scold you throughout and verbally tease you. I like some interaction and cheekiness, but some people are quiet and compliant all the way through which is also fine.
I like to end my session with an OTK spanking as well, to complete the circle, and depending on the visitor/scenario, will encourage the spankee to relax across my knee for a little while specially if it has been an intense session. Then I would offer a cup of tea or coffee and sit and chat for a while, making sure they do not leave until they are fully recovered!
With regards to props, the devil is in the detail. I ask a lot of questions before the booking and mull over the scene in advance so I can get creative. For example, I had a session booking where he wanted to be spanked for stealing sweets from the corner shop when he was a lad, something he got away with at the time. So I bought some old-fashioned-looking sweets and put them on the chair in the study. When I opened the door and took him through as his Aunt, claiming I had searched his bag after a phone call from the newsagents and discovered his stolen stash, he saw the sweets, gasped and turned pale and started trembling!
It was wonderful and a very powerful indication that just one or two appropriate props can really help with authenticity. He hadn’t expected to see that, and afterwards he said they looked just like the sweets he had stolen, and seeing them jolted him right back to being that young boy feeling the guilt of having done it. A perfect way to get into the right headspace!
Other props I love are my retro 70s phone with round dial and curly wiring, so I can call parents/authorities/the school. My custom-made Eton Flogging Block is a formidable piece of furniture that’s been nick-named ‘the Beast’ and is very intimidating. I am very fetishistic about items and implements so I could tell you about many more props, but there wouldn’t be time to cover them all!
What Should One Knew To Spanking & Discipline Prepare For Prior To Their First Session?
Firstly, do your research regarding who you visit. If you wish to experience purely a discipline/spanking session, I’d advise visiting a disciplinarian rather than a mistress (who would probably be good at it, but also does many other things, and does not specialise in this area). A disciplinarian/spanker solely focuses on this area and will have more experience and nuance.
Also research where they work from – do you want a domestic environment or a dungeon? Look at their online presence – things like Twitter, webpage, reviews, clips (so you can see how they work). Depending on location, people charge different rates so maybe you can find cut-price sessions that undercut some of the others, but you get what you pay for in life.
Approach with a polite and informative email, and communicate as much as possible before the session (not mailing 10 times a day! But it’s best to be clear before you start about details/background etc).
Consider whether you need a safe word or not. Remember ‘I can take a hard spanking’ is very subjective. You may imagine you have a huge tolerance for pain but not be able to handle what you thought you might. Or you may be too cautious and find once you get going, you love it and could take harder. So bear in mind if you think it might get too much, you can request a safe word before the session.
A great spanking session is about connection. The most important thing is to feel the right connection with this person in your initial contacts. It is about trust and instinct.
Don’t be late! If you’re running late, inform her/him. Follow reconfirmation instructions to the letter. This shows attention the detail and a level of respect.
Arrive clean and tidy, above all clean. We are dealing with your bottom – need I say more? Nice underwear is also much appreciated. Often you may bring a gift if you like but it’s not compulsory. If you do choose to turn up with flowers/chocolates/a bottle of wine etc you will probably be remembered as very thoughtful and considerate.
Be prepared if it’s your first time – the effect of discipline may not be what you expect. Some people can experience strong emotions during a spanking as it can bring up unexpected repressed emotions. It might make you feel rampantly horny!
Equally, it may send you into sub-space where you feel floaty, serene and peaceful. You can become quite discombobulated – forget your wallet or pick up the wrong pair of glasses, or try to leave via the boiler cupboard (all of these have happened after my sessions!) so make sure you have gathered yourself and your faculties before leaving.
Mostly know this – it might be an intense experience, and some of it may be painful, but if you have been thinking about getting a thrashing for some time, and are not sure whether to try it, I’d say if it’s often on your mind then it is for you, and it will be a liberating experience and the start of a whole new chapter to your life.
You are never too old to go across my knee either – I have one lovely visitor who is 85 and took his first spanking at 75. It’s never too late to start this journey. But be warned – once you pop, you can’t stop!
Mistress Iceni – London-based disciplinarian specialising in spanking and role plays with a distinctly vintage style. I may remind you of your old school-teacher, Mum’s friend, strict neighbour or Governess, but whichever female authority figure I represent for you, a visit to my study will usually result in a sore bottom and a marked improvement in your behaviour. I am a firm believer in old-fashioned discipline and you will find it may hurt at the time, but it is ultimately for your own good.
I am currently working on several projects to collaborate more with women as I have enjoyed filming so much with Anty (@Anty851 on Twitter, follow her, she’s wonderful) and Ana, and before that, the wonderful films for Miss Elsa Svenson (wellsmackedseat.com) as Miss Ashbrook. I am planning to film some clips and content with a lovely young lady Dilan (@OhdearDilan on Twitter- you really should follow her too) Also I have Emily Jane now available to join me in sessions and film with me as a spankee. I’m currently in discussions with another lovely young lady to offer exclusive custom clips as mother and daughter. So watch this space and follow me on social media if you want to see me spanking some pretty bottoms!
My other project which I worked on extensively during lockdown is my retro spanking novel: Set in 1979 in provincial England, it’s the story of Andrew, a permanently horny 17 year old who is sent to live with his strict Aunt while his parents divorce. She takes him on a roller-coaster journey of discovery with help from her equally assertive lady friends. It is a coming-of-age story that examines self-acceptance, kink-shaming, gender identity, spanking, age play, petticoat punishment and the psychological and emotional pull of corporal punishment. I have pitched it somewhere between ‘Harriet Marwood, Governess’ (which was a huge inspiration, and this is a kind of updated homage) and the saucy ‘Carry On’ Films of the 1970s. The working title is ‘Aunty knows best’ and I have just finished the first draft, so while it is not available just yet, I will promote it as soon as I have it ready for my eager readers! The plan is to publish as a paperback, e-book and possible audio version, narrated by myself.
I believe that kink is part of the human condition, maybe even integral to life itself. All the way back to bacteria in the primordial soup. Kink is an expression of life’s longing for variation. Everything being relative, all lifestyles are an alternative to something. Even that nuclear family aesthetic they pushed in the 50’s wasn’t ever “normal” and now I know several couples who live out those so-called traditional gender roles as part of their kinky alternative lifestyle.
What Does Domestic Discipline Involve?
Domestic discipline actually ties in very nicely with the 50’s aesthetic; the bread-winner husband comes home to find the home-maker wife burnt dinner and puts her over his knee for a sound spanking, that’s hot!
Equally as hot would be hubby coming home and admitting that he didn’t get that raise he promised and ending over his wife’s knee. Although I’ve seen role plays of being punished by mom or dad under the heading of domestic discipline, I feel that it is mostly a dynamic of two people who share a domicile where one is the disciplinarian over the other.
Why Subs Enjoy Being Disciplined
This is such a complicated question, specifically when it comes to spanking, because it definitely occupies the same part of the brain as sex, but isn’t necessarily sexual for every sub. Some people who are “into” spanking were never spanked as a child and attribute the desire to experiencing something they missed out on, while others were spanked regularly and attribute it to that.
Also, the word “enjoy” is not exactly right, because I’ve known subs to say that while they are being spanked they aren’t enjoying it but, at the same time, they don’t want it to stop because it’s what they need or deserve. “Why do subs desire being disciplined?” Or, even better, feel a “need” to be disciplined, is the question. As with many activities that fall under the BDSM heading, spanking has an element of power exchange.
Giving your will over to someone in authority, who has your best interest at heart and is just giving you the direction you need via a good long spanking, is comforting in a way.
Favorite Forms Of Punishment
I really like to have a sub over my knees. I like to feel the tension in their body rise and fall as the spanking progresses. I like to feel their bodies shake with the strain of holding themselves in position while enduring their punishment, and then, finally, to feel them relax as they give in, that’s the best.
Why Is Spanking Appealing To Both Parties?
The first thing that comes to mind for me is “control”, giving it over and/or having control over someone. I think when being spanked myself, I ultimately want the person spanking me to be in charge. Of course, whenever you’re playing with anyone, consent is king and checking in is very important. But for me, I wouldn’t be over your knee if I didn’t trust you and wasn’t ready to get the spanking I deserve.
Favorite Spanking Items!
I always like to start with my hand. I give a very hard hand spanking. I’ve been told that my hand feels like a paddle. Although I have many implements that are designed specifically for spanking, I like to use things that can be found around the house like hair brushes, bath brushes, wooden spoons and belts. As far as being spanked, it’s pretty much the same.
Ways To Kink Up Spanking Play
Oh sure! You can add rope play, blind folds, tickling… Enemas are popular in some circles, especially making a sub hold it in during a spanking. Forced orgasm while being spanked is a fun variation.
Just use your imagination and happy spanking!
Heidee Nytes – An award winning fetish film maker and professional dominatrix, specializing in domestic discipline.
