SimplySxy

Author: J.A. Wisniewska

  • Is Female Masturbation Still Considered a Taboo?

    Is Female Masturbation Still Considered a Taboo?

    I’m generally not one for women’s magazines, but I recently took a holiday which, from my home in Krakow, involved a 15-hour journey, split over two consecutive days. Preferring something light to read when I go away, I bought the October issue of Glamour magazine, primarily because there was an article on ’10 new things to do in bed’. (As an erotica writer, new ideas are always welcome.) On the first leg of my journey, I read an intriguing article by Jenny Mollen about masturbation, specifically about how it is still considered taboo to admit to masturbating, and that we need to shake off the shackles and be more open about the fact that we do do it.

    I’m not sure how far I agree with Mollen. A couple of points she makes in the article are definitely true. For example, she mentions that if a man admits to masturbating six times a day, this is considered normal whereas if a woman declared the same thing she would be thought of as weird. This, I completely agree with: for some reason it’s still widely accepted that men have larger sexual appetites than women and that they have a harder time controlling them, despite evidence to the contrary.

    Mollen also says that women don’t talk about masturbation with their friends. They may talk about owning vibrators, but won’t go into specific details. I agree with her on this point too. But do we need to go into specifics? I’m not a prude, I’m very comfortable talking about sex and, if anyone asks, I’m very open about masturbating. But that doesn’t mean everyone is that comfortable and it definitely doesn’t mean they need a blow-by-blow account of my masturbatory sessions, the same way they don’t need details about other aspects of my life; my periods, for example. If it was a partner, that would be different: I would most definitely go into detail then. But there is a time and a place for that kind of conversation and it’s not down the pub, saying to your mates ‘I had a cracking wank this morning.’

    As for the whole reason for the article, I’m not sure how much of a taboo it really is anymore. Admittedly (as I said before) it’s still more socially acceptable for men to admit to solo play than women and there will always be those so prudish or so embarrassed about the topic that they’d rather scoff and criticise than just admit that they too masturbate (if you’re one of those people who says they don’t do it, I have one thing to say to you—you’re lying. Either that or a nun.) But generally speaking I think—especially with the rise in popularity of sex toys—female masturbation is really a non-issue. I’ve certainly never encountered any dodgy looks or snide remarks when talking about the subject.

    Mollen makes one excellent point: masturbation is not talked about in sex education. We learn about the mechanics, we learn about contraception, we learn about saying no until we’re ready. But no mention of masturbation. Mollen believes talking about it will break down whatever barriers there are; I also think it’s a necessary part of sex education. How is someone supposed to pleasure you if you don’t know what you like in the first place?

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  • The Truth About Erotica

    The Truth About Erotica

    Most of my friends know that I’m an erotica writer. I’m very proud of what I do and see no shame in telling people. However, what can get my goat is the various stigmas and myths which are still attached to the genre, despite living in the enlightened 21st century. Here are some of the myths I’ve had to compound.

    Myth 1: All erotica are daddy porn and rape fantasies.

    Yes, incest (or, at the very least, stepfather/stepmother) and rape (or again, at the very least, reluctance) fantasies play a huge role in erotica. Then again, so do BDSM, supernatural creatures and threesomes. From the very vanilla to the completely depraved, if you can imagine it, someone has written about it. And why not? There’s obviously a market for those themes. Let’s just not get into thinking that there are only two types of erotica. After all, there is no limit to our imaginations.

    Myth 2: Erotica is just porn for women.

    No, no, no, no, no. For starters, studies have apparently shown that women get just as turned on if not more, as men when it comes to visual stimuli. So to suggest that porn is for men and erotica is for women is just enforcing stereotypes. Men can derive just as much pleasure from reading erotica as women can. Of course watching porn is easier, but erotica provides much more scope for the imagination. And there’s also the added benefit of reading it with your partner to get ideas …

    Myth 3: “Oh, you write erotica. That means you write fan fiction, yeah?”

    I loathe this. Mainly because I hate any kind of fan fiction: in my opinion, it’s lazy writing. This view is not helped by the fact that one of erotica’s most well-known writers started out writing erotic Twilight fan fiction (E.L. James, in case you’ve been living in a cave) which led to the mega successful 50 Shades. Fan fiction makes up a very small percentage of all erotica. Of course, I can see the attraction of imagining your favourite actor, singer or whatever in various sexual situations (candlelit bath with Benedict Cumberbatch, anyone?). But most of us are happier creating our own characters.

    So there, we have three common myths about erotica debunked. Remember, keep an open mind when reading erotica. It’s a lot more varied than you think and, you never know, you may discover some hidden desires.

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  • BDSM’s Shades of Grey

    BDSM’s Shades of Grey

    A friend sent me an article from Michigan University regarding the apparent link between women reading Fifty Shades of Grey and domestic abuse. According to the study, women who read the erotic novels are more likely to enter into verbally abusive relationships, suffer from eating disorders, binge drinking and promiscuity.

    Studies like this are extremely dangerous for the already misunderstood world of dominant/submissive (dom/sub) relationships. Comparisons between it and domestic abuse are not new, but they are certainly incorrect. It saddens me that a lot of these comparisons come from feminists (as I class myself as one) who obviously have no idea what dom/sub entails.

    Probably the first thing to point out is that not all submissives are women. Plenty of men are subs, and there are also couples who switch roles.

    A dom/sub relationship involves a contract where the submissive agrees to a set of rules and promises to obey the dominant. These can include rules about sex, eating habits, exercise, clothing, amongst other things. The submissive agrees to these rules; if there is something they don’t like, they either request it to be taken out or not agree to the contract. It is a wrongly-held belief that subs have no control in the relationship. Also, it is not only the sub that has rules to adhere to: the dom has many responsibilities towards the needs of the sub.

    This is completely different from an abusive relationship. An abusive partner behaves that way in order to control and deal with some deep-seated insecurity whereelse a dom seeks to satisfy both their and their sub’s needs, for both their pleasure. Consent, as always, is paramount, as is trust. Trust plays a major part in dom/sub relationships, something that is non-existent in abusive relationships.

    These misunderstandings have not been helped by Fifty Shades. Maybe E.L. James wanted to portray an atypical relationship, but unfortunately most people’s understanding of them comes from the popularity of these books. Anastasia, the protagonist, is quite a weak-willed character, making people believe that if someone engages in dom/sub behaviour, they must be weak-willed too. On the contrary, many women who are subs are, in their normal daily life, high-powered career women, women who have stressful jobs and for whom being a submissive is a much-needed break. On another note, most dominants are hardly going to enter into a contract with someone who has no experience of sex, never mind heavy BDSM.

    Going back to the feminist argument, the whole point of the feminist movement was to gain equal opportunities for women, including their freedom of choice. For me, if a woman makes a free choice to become a sub, saying ‘I will submit to you and in return you will look after me’—for both their pleasure, not just the man’s—is non-feminist is the same as saying a woman who decides to stay at home and care for her newborn baby instead of working is non-feminist: completely wrong and judgmental.

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