Tag: kink

50 Shades of Curious: BDSM for Beginners

Hello all you SimplySxy people. I am very happy to bring you my very first Sexpert column for SimplySxylife.com. My Name is Bo Blaze and the nice folks here thought it would be a good idea for me to tell you a little about myself and to give you some basic info.

So first, about me. I’m a professional certified “alternative” life coach; specializing in Alternative Sexual Relationships and Non-Traditional Lifestyles. I have taught and lectured all over the USA at hundreds of universities, conferences and various alternative events. Some of the subjects that I speak on are: Lifestyle BDSM, Ethical Non-Monogamy (Polyamory), the Fetish World and LGBT issues.

I’ve also helped thousands of people practice Risk Aware, Safe, Sane & Consensual BDSM over the last 12 years, both as a novice group facilitator and board member emeritus for NYC’s The Eulenspiegel Society (TES)—the oldest and largest BDSM support and education group in the USA. If you’d like to know more about me please visit my website at www.AlternativeLifeCoach.com

I am also the author of the bestselling book (take a wild guess what it’s called) 50 Shades of Curious: BDSM for Beginners. Many of you might wonder why after years of working within these various real worlds, I’d choose to name my book as homage to a trashy, fantasy, romance novel and one of the most polarizing books in the history of BDSM?

The publishing of Fifty Shades of Grey is NOT the dawning of a literary masterpiece or a factually correct overview of how to perform BDSM. Like it or not, however, more than a 100 million copies of the Fifty Shades books are out there and a LOT of people are reading them and getting curious about kinky sex and BDSM. They have questions and need guidance as they begin their journey. It’s my mission to get them the answers and do my best to keep them safe and well informed.

Simply put, I’m willing to be a whore to reach the masses with my message of Risk Aware, Safe, Sane, Consensual, BDSM. As an alternative life coach, I help people live a more alternative life. To me, that simply means living a life where one is always growing, changing, and evolving. Where you question, think, and create. Where you refuse to settle for what you are told to do and instead follow a path to real fulfilment and enlightenment. So if you are or if you are even think that you might be into BDSM, you are NOT WEIRD and you’re not even part of the minority. Let’s strip away all this guilt and shame you’ve been fed, and learn to ENJOY each other.

There is so much to tell you, but we only have so much room, so let me start by telling you something I tell every in single novice class I teach.

THERE ARE NO RULES TO BDSM, EXCEPT CONSENT

This gets across two really important things. First, don’t let anyone tell you that they know the right way to practice BDSM or that you are not a good submissive if you don’t do this. Or you are not a good top if you don’t do that. All that matters is that you and your partner(s) are mutually enjoying one another. Sure, there are a lot of great models out there to emulate. You might see how someone does something and think it’s very cool and want to do the same thing, but feel free to change it up and do it your way! I encourage all of you to educate yourselves as much as you can; there are so many different ways to participate in BDSM. Then take all that knowledge and have fun!

Second, it’s essential that you realize that there is no BDSM without consent. In the absence of consent, it’s not BDSM. It’s abuse. There is no getting around this, NO means NO and there are no extenuating circumstances. We must always have a way to keep a scene consensual. Things can get tricky if your fantasy and play involves what we call consensual non-consent. It’s often a lot of fun to beg and plead and say “no, no, no” but it is most important when we engage in that kind of play, we have to create a way to keep things consensual. That’s why we have things like safe words so that even when we are role- playing, we can keep things consensual. Safe words simply mean that you have a pre-arranged word that you wouldn’t normally blurt out, like RED or SAFE WORD that will immediately call everything to a stop and allow you to check in with your partner. This way, you can beg and plead all you want but when you need things to stop for real, it’s just a simple word away.

Another one of my passions is communication. I’ve taught a class called Communication, Communication, Communication for many years. To help make it easy to remember the three main points of that class, I created Bo’s BDSM Triangle of Communication.

In our next instalment, I will explain more on my “Triangle of Communication” and how you can use it to your advantage. One of my favorite sayings is: “I want to know everything about you so I can liberally use it against you” 😉

SEND ME YOUR QUESTIONS! You can send them to simplysxy@alternativelifecoach.com and we’ll be answering them in this column in the coming months. If you would like to get up to speed quickly, please do read my book 50 Shades of Curious: BDSM for Beginners, available at Amazon.

Bo Blaze,
Professional Certified Coach

Image courtesy of Shutterstock

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July 16, 2014
When I Squirted for the First Time

When I was 11 years old, I read in one of those “What to Expect from Puberty” books that a woman could ejaculate enough to soak through seven towels. Seven.

That number stuck with me my whole life, and I spent my pubescent years in terror of orgasming and soaking up the bed. Even before my first time, I would sit and play out scenarios of how to prepare for that situation. Would I ask for seven towels to be lain under me before sex? Or eight? That seemed like it would pile me pretty high; would sex be possible in that position?

Then came the times in high school when I would wake up with my pajama pants and blankets soaked, confused because it just didn’t seem like pee. I was sure it would be me; I would definitely be the woman who ejaculated enough to soak through seven towels, and I would shrivel up and die of embarrassment and dehydration right after.

Then I actually started having sex. Awkward, quick, adolescent sex that felt kind of weird and left me feeling sore and unsure of whether I had any business of actually doing it. Needless to say, I did not ejaculate enough to soak through seven towels, and my mind was at ease.

Now all this while, in my teen years, I considered myself something of a sexual revolutionist (as much as one can be when one’s mom still does one’s laundry). I was open about the fact that I masturbated; I owned a vibrator (purchased from Spencer Gifts with money that I made working at Old Navy). I carried around books titled Slut! right along with my history and math books, for everyone in the halls of my high school to see.

I wanted to be sexually free. I worked at my sexuality, chipping at liberation piece by piece. I sensed that there was something just over the tide, that if I could just let myself be carried over the waves of pleasure that came to me when I was in my bed alone, that something enormous would be waiting for me on the other side.

But I always stopped myself. I just couldn’t surrender myself to that pleasurable feeling because as much as I wanted it, I was also afraid of what it might do to me.

Through all of my encounters with sex in my teen years, I never came enough to soak through seven towels, but I was right to assume it would happen to me. When I was 20, I was in my first long-term relationship with a guy who only had three things going for him: great weed, great art (he was unreal with a tablet and a vector program), and great sex.

Although we already had great sex, we were young and wanted to take more risks. I had just moved out of my mom’s house, and she was letting me use her commuter car while mine was in the shop. One night, the (now) ex and I found ourselves in that car, in my mom’s neighborhood. We had parked in front of someone’s expensive suburban home and began to go at it inside the car—one of my rebellious fantasies. It was a summer night and it was soon way too hot to continue in the car, so we got out. He turned me around so that I was facing the passenger side of the car and got behind me, then he pushed me up against the car door and we started having sex again. Like before, I approached the point of no return, but this time I couldn’t stop myself from riding over that wave’s crest and as I splashed down into the pleasure, something wet began to pour out of me.

Now, half-delirious with the strength of the orgasm I’d just experienced, I crouched behind the car, mortified that I was peeing on myself in front of him (I thought it was pee at the time and spent the next few years of my life working to convince myself that “female ejaculate” and “pee” were not the same thing). But it was high tide and each wave of pleasure caused a new spasm of liquid to literally squirt out of me, and so I stayed crouched, naked from the waist down, dripping liquid until it was done.

I expected him to be as disgusted as anyone would be when someone just peed on them in the middle of sex, but instead he was delighted. Although I didn’t understand what squirting was in that situation, he did, and his ego basked in the fact that he had made his girlfriend bust her first nut.

So I was right, even at 11, to assume that I would be the one who came enough to soak through seven towels. But I was wrong to assume it was a bad thing.

Take part in SimplySxy’s squirting discussions here : http://simplysxysociety.com/index.php?topic=19.0

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July 13, 2014
Summer = Showtime!

Dear fashionistas,

Can you still remember the amazing Marc Jacobs’ collection for Louis Vuitton’s latest Spring/Summer season fashion show? It was most outstanding and in case you’ve missed it, here is the YouTube link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igmtA_yKUH8

It was a sensational big bang; the final statement to end Marc Jacobs’ era with this reputational French fashion house.http:show-for-louis-vuitton

Marc Jacobs’ show was also interesting because this collection gives us plenty of ideas for our private showtimes at home: Make your appearance remarkable, be gorgeous, be a showgirl! Take the breath away from your sweetheart! Give him a performance he never will forget.

But how to go about doing that?

Be mysterious, wear black. Black is the most seductive color as it never goes out of style and looks sensational on every woman. Select lingerie made of high quality materials because you don´t want to leave a sleazy tacky impression. Black lace is always a good choice! It is ever so sophisticated and never fails to work its mojo. Below is a classic black lace slip dress.

What about pearls? Oh yes, so nice and delicate! And if you have seen “Sex and the City” then you know how naughty pearls can be! Yes, be naughty!

Do also try crotchless briefs, peephole bras and open cup babydolls!

My special recommendation for A-Cup girls who don’t feel comfortable wearing open cup bras is to try versions such as the one shown below.

The bra has a padded and push-up cup to give you a sexy cleavage and is covered with a see-through mesh or lace to maintain the sexy and light feeling.

Last but not least, let´s think about accessories. One can never go wrong with teasing. Have you ever tried whips or tassels? If not, this is your opportunity! In line with the big glamour theme, we use chichi kits with rhinestones (but of course), marabou feathers or sequins.

And now, let’s have a sexy summer showtime !

Images courtesy of Jutta Teschner | Design and Managing Director | fishbelly

fishbelly is located at 45, Hollywood Road 1/F, Soho/Central, Hong Kong. For more enquiries, contact fishbelly at Tel. (+852) 5111 9877, mail@fishbelly-lingerie.com or visit their website at http://www.fishbelly-lingerie.com/ All photos in this article are courtesy of fishbelly.

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June 13, 2014
Fan Submissions: No Finesse Whatsoever

“Is this water or silicone based lube?” Mike questioned from the bed.

I stared back at him from the bathroom sink. “Um, silicone.”

“Oh, well I thought you couldn’t use silicone lube with silicone toys, something about it messing up the toy’s surface.” Mike responded quizzically.

“Oh, Fuck. I don’t know.”

I pulled the string of pale purple anal beads from the sink of warm water and pinched them slightly.

“Pretty sure they’re just rubber.”

My relationship with Mike grew out of a shared interest in spirituality, whatever the fuck that really means. I was searching for a way out of my vapid sorority saturated college experience and he was available, ready and willing to lure me into one of the strangest relationships I’ll ever know. So, what began as a bond formed over hot coffee and discussions of The Secret, turned into a weirdly fulfilling sexual conquest and bout of experimentation. It’s also what led to my ability to give one hell of a blowjob. I can say that with confidence because I probably gave the kid over 200 blowjobs. I was also taking tips from Sasha Grey videos. He unfortunately, ate pussy like a real amateur. No finesse whatsoever. He treated the whole ordeal like a medical procedure, nerve-racking and tedious. Nothing worse than revealing in a state of post orgasmic bliss and seeing your significant other’s face pull away from your pussy in twisted confusion and fear.

Despite the excessive exchange of oral sex, our sex-ationship held an experimental element that resembled a Masters and Johnson type affair. Our sex had purpose, outside of meaning and intimacy, which it was virtually devoid of. We were pioneers on a sexual frontier conquesting through the use of sex toys, amateur YouTube videos and shared fantasies. Originally, it was all his idea. One night early on, he pulled out a drawstring bag from beneath his bed as I was reading a compilation of Buddhist fables. Without speaking he dumped the contents onto the bed, smiling coyly like some perverted Santa Claus delivering gifts on Christmas. Strewn across the red sheets lay brightly colored cock rings, anal beads, Velcro handcuffs, strange squishy blue dice with words that read “suck” or “pinch” or “kiss”, and a shiny egg-shaped vibrator. “My bag of toys, for you.” He remarked, playing even more into the perverted Santa Claus role. Truthfully though, I loved them all. Each toy brought on a new challenge. I became obsessed, in a way, with the excitement it provided. I felt empowered.

I certainly had my own sexual interest too. They developed mostly out of watching consecutive episodes of True Blood. Something about the erotic subordination of humans during vampire sex that caused me to raise an eyebrow with investigatory excitement. The way this translated in the bedroom was far less fantastical. It involved Mike choking me during intercourse to act out the domineering role of a hollow hearted and sex driven Bill Compton. Most of our fantasies played out that way, providing fleeting enjoyment that fell short due to lack of intimacy.

The relationship will always be memorable despite its lack of meaning. In its aftermath, it helped with many things. It led me to finally buy my own vibrator: fitted with ten pulsating speeds and a waterproof technology that really made bathing a worthwhile endeavor. I grew to know what I like; where, when and how. It made me comfortable to have sex with myself and ask subsequent partners to partake in what I most enjoyed. While the sex-ationship was doomed to collapse but in a serendipitous and realistic way, it’s moments were fun and exciting albeit also deeply embarrassing.

“Ok, well either way, rubber or silicone, bring them over here.” Mike responded decidedly.

“So the video said that if I put them in before I eat you out and then sloooowly pull them out as you’re coming, it will intensify your orgasm or something.”

“Will do.” I replied laying my head back onto the pillow, closing my eyes and inhaling deeply. “Here we go,” I thought. The process itself was mediocre, as it usually was. A combination of inconsistent tongue flicks and infantile sucking that seemed more like a series of muscle spasms than anything else. Eventually though, through the powers of pelvic muscle tightening and nipple stimulation, I began to reach my plateau. I bore down into the bed, arched the small of my back and exclaimed hurriedly, “Ok, I’m about to come.”

As the rush of feeling flowed through my lower half, I barely noticed the gentle motion of beads being pulled slowly from within my ass. And then … shit. Literally. I didn’t really smell or see anything but it became evident that female ejaculate was not the only fluid I secreted at that particular moment. Mike pulled away with force but surprisingly his expression was less exasperated then it was after most instances of pussy-eating. He rushed to the bathroom, beads in hand and quickly threw them into the sink. I laid there, paralyzed, and not in the post orgasmic way I usually enjoyed. “Did I just shit on the bed?” I thought to myself in a moment of sheer panic. I sat up suddenly and looked down. Nothing there. Thank god. The last thing I needed in that moment was to resemble a puppy caught in the act of soiling the Persian rug in the living room. Suddenly Mike reappeared.

“Well, I’ve got to go to work.”

“That didn’t turn out very well did it?”

He smiled. “Could have been better.” He kissed me on the forehead. “Might want to let those soak for a little while.”

I smiled back meekly, feeling my cheeks redden like I was in a Charlie Brown cartoon.

After he headed out, I drudgingly walked into the bathroom. Still unaware of whether I had excreted shit on the beads, I tossed them into the trash. They really didn’t intensify my orgasm anyway.

SimplySxy welcomes articles written by our readers on any topic of their choice. Each submission is edited and published the same as from any of our Sexperts and Contributors.

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June 11, 2014
The Intimate Thoughts of a Crossdresser

The truth is that there is simply no straightforward, one simple answer as to why men crossdress. If there was, you probably wouldn’t be reading this article: the discussions on this taboo subject would have been settled a long time ago and many men would be free to express their femininity without fear of ridicule and rejection.

In my personal experience, the fascination with woman’s clothing started when I was very young. I must have been about 5 or 6 years old, and I remember going to great lengths to get access to my mom’s lingerie. My most vivid recollection goes back to my teenage years, anxiously and secretly purchasing pantyhose from a local shop and then wearing them under my clothes while walking home. I felt and still feel to this day, a need to wear woman’s clothes almost on a daily basis, whenever I can find the private time.

To be honest, I can’t quite explain where these feeling come from or why they started in the first place. Many times I find the feeling hard to control, especially if I go a few days without dressing up. The mass media likes to reason that crossdressing is a sexual perversion, and so they naturally see the desire to crossdress as purely for sexual gratification. The problem with this theory is that when I (and most other crossdressers) first felt the desire to crossdress at a very young age, we didn’t know what sex really was or had any sexual feeling. I often would go to sleep wearing my homemade stockings and carefully taking them off in the morning under the bed sheets and hiding them in the drawer under my bed before my mom would walk into the room.

There are many misconceptions and stereotypical views about crossdressers, one of them being that most people believe crossdressers are homosexual and desire to be with other men. Although there are cases where this is the fact, the truth is that most crossdressers are heterosexual men. A lot of them are married, have families and lead regular lives. For many, crossdressing goes through several evolution stages and sometimes ends at the point when the crossdresser desires a transition to living full-time as a female. Many crossdressers describe the need to crossdress as ‘feeling more comfortable wearing woman’s clothes’.

This is sometimes coupled with the desire to be seen as a woman. To not simply dress like a woman, but behave like one as well, to wear make-up, lingerie, shoes and otherwise, pass as a woman. Then there are others who crossdress purely for sexual excitement. Crossdressing covers a wide spectrum and therefore it is hard to define them as any one group. Some men crossdress because they are unhappy being men and wish to escape the male role.

Let’s face it, women have way more selection when it comes to fashion and are allowed to express themselves in many distinct ways. Just walk into any women’s fashion and beauty mall and then walk in the men’s section and you’ll know what I mean. For me, I love feminity! I love the feeling of being a woman and wearing all the gorgeous makeup, soft sexy dresses, high-heeled shoes and exploring the female realm. It’s such a real thrill for me and countless other crossdressers. I highly admire women and their beauty and their many feminine qualities. I regard the female physique as a work of art. There are also others who don’t mind the male state, but like to put on women’s clothes occasionally. Some men crossdress simply to make a passing social or fashion statement, and some because they have emotional needs that can only be met by the comfort that wearing women’s clothes gives them.

Sex, particularly with other people is not the main reason why most men crossdress and masturbate because they are now themselves, the ideal woman, and the man no longer has to fear rejection, criticism or disappointment which might come with attempts of intercourse with a woman. The fact is that women crossdress all the time and are free to wear men’s clothing without fear of ridicule or turning heads. It is not uncommon to see a woman walking down the street wearing men’s apparel.

Men on the other hand are supposed to fit into a very rigid gender role and are not able to freely express their femininity beyond maybe, crying at the movies. The true reason why men crossdress remains somewhat of a mystery to this day. Crossdressing is an intensely personal activity for many men, often done in secret, late at night and sometimes guilt-ridden.

Crossdressers usually will do this in secret when the wife and kids leave the home. They have their day planned! They will even go so far as to shave off their body hair, take a hot, perfumed, bubble bath, and dress in something silky. However, many crossdressers just enjoy the feeling of certain material against their bodies and go no further than dressing up as a woman. More and more crossdressers are “coming out of the closet” and if lucky, their wives will accept the way they are as long as they keep it private and away from friends and family.

In my particular case, my girlfriend knows that I crossdress and she has accepted it, which I am very appreciative of her for doing so. Apart from my girlfriend, no one in my family knows to this day, and this can be psychologically challenging for me at times. For the past 45 years, I have done a good job of concealing my other self. Most crossdresses become very good at being Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Today, I enjoy being Marcy whenever I can and have taken many steps to perfecting my female persona.

Marcy’s biggest goal is to be as passable as a woman as possible. I haven’t ventured out of my house as a female but strongly hope that one day soon, I will be able to freely be Marcy in and out of the house in a place where I will not have to fear weird stares, ridicule and rejection. I’m optimistic that as our society grows more accepting of diverse gender expression, we will see more crossdressers stepping forward to share their stories and feel more open about discussing the topic of crossdressing with family and friends without the need to justify their behavior, and are no longer shamed by everyone.

I know some people out there will mock me and say that I need help.
I say to you, you have never have never walked in my high-heeled shoes.
Judge me if you want, it makes no difference.

Marcy Simpson

Founder of Crossdresser Society.com

Featured Image courtesy of Marcy Simpson.

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April 29, 2014
Uncuffed: An Intro to Kinky Exploration

If you are a curious beginner looking to explore the multiple facets of kink with your partner, whether that means buying your first set of handcuffs or acting out an intense fantasy, there are three guidelines to start you off…to get you off.

Communication with your partner is crucial to having a good kinky time. If this is your first time expanding your sexuality and testing your comfort zone then there is a lot to talk about with your partner. It can be a little awkward at first to address these sometimes new and edgy topics, and that’s okay. You’re allowed to feel a little uncomfortable. Start out slow when addressing kink with your partner; maybe mention you read an article or an erotic story online about some light bondage and a blindfold and were wondering if your partner would be open to tying you up (or vice versa) with a tie or fuzzy handcuffs and blindfolding you with a scarf. Sometimes it is easier to begin with small changes to your sexual routine to get more comfortable, before experimenting with more intense changes, like replacing that scarf or fuzzy handcuffs with rope or leather bonds.

It also can be helpful to give each other a verbal outline of what will happen (at least the first few times) so there are no surprises that your partner may not be expecting or enjoy. For example, if you are tying your partner up and then blindfolding them, explain to them how and what you will tie them up with, and explain that you can stop at any time if you or your partner becomes uncomfortable. Talking it out is a great way to reduce any stress or nervousness you or your partner may experience during this new adventure you are embarking on together.

Consent is also a critical piece of kinky exploration that ties (pun intended) in well with communicating with your partner. Consent is so important for you and your partner’s sexual experience. After talking to your partner about wanting to trying that light bondage, or wanting to be blindfolded for a little sensory deprivation if your partner does not want to try those things you need to respect that. Consensual sex is the best kind of sex, and if your partner feels obligated or bullied into trying these kinds of things, it likely will not be enjoyable for either one of you and will not make for promising sexual exploration in the future. If at first your partner does not seem too keen on the idea of incorporating these new kinky ideas into your sexual repertoire, that’s okay. You might try showing your partner that article or erotic story you read that gave you the idea in the first place, or looking into some literature for kinky beginners.

If after reading up on kink through articles, books, or erotica and your partner is still hesitant, you should respect that and just give it some time. Let the conversation rest for a while, maybe your partner is stressed at work currently or is having difficulty within their family. Showing you respect their decision and/or can wait for other areas of their life to settle down will show your partner you respect them and honour their consent, and may keep your partner’s mind open to consenting to some kinky fun in the future.

Lastly, after you have discussed what you are going to try with your partner, how you are going to try it, and have received verbal and (maybe a little nervous) enthusiastic consent, you need to keep safety and sanitation in mind as well. This basically means using safe products for you and your partner, and to have a basic understanding of the kinky toys you might try using before actually using them on your partner. For example, if you are going to use handcuffs, make sure you know how to easily get in and out of them. Or, if you are going to use any sex toys like vibrators or dildos, make sure you know what they are made out of and know if those materials are healthy for you and your partner (be aware of latex and other kinds of allergies). After you are done using toys, make sure to wash and store them properly too for next time.

A final word on safety; depending on what you are choosing to explore sexually with your partner, having a safe word may be beneficial. Having a safe word, like “red” for stop or “yellow” for slow down, or something silly like “watermelon”, can give you and your partner confidence and security in your kinky exploration. If what you are experimenting with gets too intense for one of you, you can stop whenever you want by using your word.

Keeping these three simple rules in mind: open communication, consent and safety for you and your partner while you begin to experiment and broaden your sexy horizons, will hopefully lead you both to a healthy, confident, (kinkily) blossoming sexuality.

Images courtesy of Shutterstock

April 18, 2014
Try the New Compersion: Jealousy Be Gone!

Tired of those nagging jealous emotions you can’t seem to shed?

Ready for a new emotion? Then try the new and improved, emotional response called “compersion”. It’s so new it’s not even in the Internet dictionary yet.

So why am I jealous? As a poly believing, free love kind of Leather-woman, I practice and teach adults to explore their kink, fetish, or other expressions of expanded sexuality and loving. But that green monster can ruin a hot dungeon scene every time.

Jealousy has caused many of my relationships to crash and burn. I honestly don’t know when love changes to possessiveness, but it does. After one ex-boyfriend decided to date my room-mate, my response moved into violent attack mode. Thank goodness the internal rage also temporarily blinded me, so all I could literally see was red, and I was frozen in my tracks. That gave me time to think, calm down, walk away, and find a new place to live.

I would prefer another emotion than the one that beats up my heart and mind like a bronchitis attack. Jealousy has a way of kidnapping my time and energy in directions I don’t want to go. I recall the rush of unpleasant emotions that made my stomach knot up, my hand forming a fist, words spewing forth I would regret — all part of the cycle I wanted to break. But how could I break free of the green stain?

With the divorce rate in America comfortably above 50%, partnering for life is no longer the norm. I needed another emotion that could keep up with our societal change. At a polyamory meetup, I was introduced to the word: compersion, the antithesis to jealousy. Here’s the Wiki on compersion:

“Compersion is a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual’s current or former romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest. This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion.”

Nice concept, but the million-dollar question is, how can I be happy when MY old lover is loving someone else? Then I remembered the C.S. Lewis book, The Four Types of Love. Lewis defined the following types of love: Agape, Philia, Eros, and Storge. I’ve paraphrased his concepts:

Agape is the spiritual love you have that comes from your beliefs. Philia is the bond of friendship.  Eros is the emotional intimacy we share in a relationship. (Venus is described as the “Fifth Love” and is the passion and energy of sexual exchange, its trademark being a temporary state of experience, like orgasm and infatuation.)

There is another more powerful love that helps to explain the ability to convert jealousy into compersion:

Storge is the familial love of parent to child. Storge can be more powerful than all the others combined. It’s the type of love that gives a parent superhuman strength to lift a car to save a child’s life.

Compersion suggests that if we can adjust our thinking, heal our emotions, we can celebrate our partner, lover, spouse, or ex’s happiness in another relationship. We can replace jealousy with joy.

You also receive extra feelings of contentment and maturity with every use of compersion. Like when your child goes off to school for the first time or the last, (hopefully) away to college. There is pride of being a part of making that success happen. And I like being a part of someone’s success.

Jealousy can hold me in this knee jerk reaction of anger, hurt, and then retribution. By reminding myself that the experience has passed, I can change my thoughts. If that doesn’t work, then I remember why the relationship needed to end in the first place and my head clears, fist relaxes and I can look for the good of this new coupling and let the joy of compersion build in me.

Now have I done it? Not every time, but I’m working on it. It’s not like one day you wake up compersed. It’s the art of letting go of past anger that takes time and practice. And when I have a surge of emotions that race up to my brain and fist at the same time, I acknowledge the emotion and look at it. I then look at where I want my emotions to be and go there. No need to replay the old tapes. My heart calms, pulse slows, teeth unclench, and I can think without anger. I take a deep breath, let compersion in, and make a choice to celebrate my (ex) lover’s new relationship and wish them well. It’s that simple and that difficult. But the end result is my joy and happiness and I’m definitely worth the effort.

Cover image courtesy of Shutterstock

April 16, 2014
Is Cock and Ball Torture for You?

Don’t ask me why some men like having their naughty bits punished with cock and ball torture (CBT), but they do. And my favourite bottoms are the ones that really, really do.

So picture the scene: I’m at my favourite dungeon on a Saturday night.

In walks a 4B – Beautiful, Buff, Bald, and Black, I call this the 4B’s of Destiny, because he is, destined to play with Me. Then picture him naked. His brains, name or height don’t matter, just enjoy him oiled up and blindfolded.

I check the time, this scene could last two hours and since I didn’t get a nap before starting to play at 11:30 pm, two hours of intense poking, slapping, hitting, pumping, and twisting can wear me out. Then we must be in a space conducive to fluid spillage, arm and leg room to swing and kick, and seating and/or laying options. I like my bottoms to be as comfortable as possible for the pain I inflict.

Nerve endings are beautiful things. The more sensitive the skin area is, the more nerve bundles there are to play with. They register pain and pleasure faster, and when syncopation occurs, the nerves can no longer distinguish pain from pleasure. Just watching the body writhing in reaction to the stimulus of slaps, strokes, or bites can bring the utmost delight.

Since I’m in the mood for stingy vs. thuddy pain tonight, I choose my instruments carefully. Knives are the first course to start my encounter with his skin. I trail the cool flat stainless steel blade slowly, watch the skin and fine hairs prickle in response. Then I dip the tip, creating pools of just enough pressure but not enough to pierce through the skin. Whether I use one blade or two, I create a symmetrical dance undulating across the smooth surface. I put on a pair of my Love Bites Vampire Gloves and lightly touch flesh. His skin is all goose bumps now, and I head to his throbbing cock. He’s uncut, and the extra sensitivity is what will drive him crazy with craving and mad with the intense pleasure. I slowly wrap my hand around the head, pulling the foreskin. He jumps and then leans into the gloves’ grip. He tosses his head back and forth, shaking it violently to clear the flood of chemicals in which he is now drowning. His body has signalled that I have him where I want him. Skin shudders as the nerve endings are sending both pleasure and pain messages to the brain.

A study from Radboud University Nijmegen in the Netherlands shows that men’s cognitive performances were impaired when they were around women. I was shooting for maximum cognitive failure, and the limpness of his arms, the surrendering of his cock to my use, made it clear he was mine to do with as I pleased.

It felt like I raced through the next hour and a half, teasing his flesh, making his body arch and moan. His pool of pre-cum made a sticky mess everywhere. I knew he was aching to cum and each time the tip of a blade crossed the tip of his cock or my gloves gripped his cock hard and stroked, he would spurt a little more pre-cum.

Now he was ready to be mounted. I instructed him to stand, his eyes barely coherent to my instructions, gave him water to drink, and then forced him to his knees facing my “bro” cock. He dined hungrily on it, moaning in pleasure and stroking his own cock.

April 4, 2014
Female Domination and Female Led Relationships

I was recently amused to see the following statement on Wikipedia which claimed that “71% of heterosexual males preferred a dominant-initiator role”. Wikipedia referred to a study done by Kurt Emulf in 1995 as to the source for their statement. I am here to tell you that in the last fifteen years of my experiences as a Dominatrix, and as the Dominant Partner in all of my relationships with men, the men whom I have come in contact with have proven to me that it is exactly the opposite of that published study. In fairness to that study by Emulf, I have to wonder which demographic group of men he studied. I have found that typically, male “Blue Collar” workers might fit the mold he presented. They usually have to put on the macho front and try to act like they control “their little woman”. Whereas, in almost all cases, the “White Collar” males who I have come in contact with almost all showed an attraction to Dominant Females. These men, in most cases, jumped at the opportunity of serving a Dominant Female and catering to her needs in private.

Female Domination is a relatively new term, and has primarily gained popularity over the last twenty years as more and more women have moved away from the stereotype of an “at home Mom and home maker”, and have moved into the business world with positions of increasing responsibility. While the emergence of the woman in the business place has been taking place, at the same time, another event has been transpiring. More and more of the men who are in high pressure positions within the business world have been looking for an outlet to relieve the pressure and demands which were put on them in the business world. These men have found that pressure relief valve, in many cases to be submission to a Dominatrix or allowing their wife or partner to institute a Female Led Relationship at home.

When you think of Female Domination, the first thought that jumps to your mind is that of Leather-Clad Women in black stockings and high heel pumps with stiletto heels, and rightfully so. This is the image that most men who are looking for a Dominant woman have in their minds. That is exactly why I and most Dominant women dress in Leather, Black Stockings, and High Heel Pumps or Boots most of the time. It serves two very important purposes. First, it fulfils the desires of the men who come to us looking for Domination Sessions. Secondly, when attired as mentioned above, it allows us to see the men who are attracted to us on a daily basis, and gives us an idea as to whether or not they might be a good candidate to serve us as a slave. When men can’t take their eyes off of you when you are dressed in a dominant manner, it’s usually a clear tip off of what they are attracted to.

I can tell you from personal experience, and you can also read the actual account of what happened in my book “At Her Beck and Call”, which illustrates my point. I met my husband/slave on the Internet about thirteen years ago, and determined on the first date, that he was a good candidate to become the subservient party in a Female Led Relationship. How? Very simple! I noticed right away that he could not take his eyes off my nylon clad legs or high heel pumps. When I let my dress slide up and expose the garter belt holding up my sheer nylons, he was transfixed on the image. My hunch was right as soon as I questioned him as to whether he preferred a woman in garter belts and stockings or a woman who wore pantyhose. He was embarrassed, but he admitted to me that he found my attire to be a lot sexier than a woman wearing pantyhose. Later, back at my house I confirmed that he was a good candidate for a Female Led Relationship when I pushed his face down to my high heels and he immediately began to worship them. It didn’t take me long to move our relationship along to the point where he surrendered all control over to me and became my adoring slave. I am happy to report that we’ve now been married for over ten years, and Troy is still always there at My Beck and Call.

I get this question from women all the time. There has to be more than just the dress and attire, doesn’t there? Absolutely, there has to be the correct mindset on the part of the woman, first and foremost. The woman has to want a man who will get down on his knees, worship her body, be compliant with all of her wishes, and cater to all of her needs. The woman in the relationship has to take charge and make Female Domination a reality in her relationship. It is not hard to do at all. Most women are held back by that old stereotyped image which I mentioned previously. Those days are gone, and the faster every women realizes it, the better off all females will be. Men will let you have control and will do your bidding, if you will just take the initiative and make that Female Led Relationship happen.

I am a strict believer in male chastity, and I have kept my husband locked in a Chastity Tube for many years. He has learnt that he will never get a release and orgasm unless I am totally satisfied with the number and quality of orgasms he has given to me, and totally pleased with his behaviour in our marriage. I will devote another article strictly to the how to’s on male chastity, but I need to mention one important fact here. Once a woman locks up her partner’s cock in a Chastity Tube, magic happens. The male will become more adoring, more attentive to the women’s needs, and becomes more obedient to every wish that the female should utter. Men are not controlled by their mind. They are controlled by what is between their legs, and when women realize that, take control, and institute forced male chastity into the relationship, the woman finds quickly that she becomes the Queen of the household. I’ve found that to be true ever since I locked my husband into a Chastity Tube, and I’ve also received the same feedback from every woman who I have talked with who did the same thing. The move pretty much guarantees a successful Female Led Relationship.

You do not have to be a professional Dominatrix like me to have your man kneeling at your feet, worshipping your body, giving you all the orgasms you could ever desire, and loving every minute of serving you. You just have to take control today of your relationship and make it happen. When he comes home tonight, put on that short leather skirt, garter belt, sheer stockings, and killer high heels. See what happens. I’ll bet that you can have your mate down on his knees in minutes kissing your heels, worshipping your legs, and waiting for your next command!

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March 21, 2014
Initiation into Cuckoldry; for husbands and wives
It is important to recognise, modern cuckold lifestyles are definitely a niche or fetish that isn’t for everyone. Before a husband or wife approaches their spouse with the idea of using cuckoldry to spice up their marriage, they need to proceed slowly while guarding their mate’s feelings. The way a couple’s participation in a cuckold lifestyle unfolds, where the husband initiates things, is generally very different than if the wife does.

For Husbands

For a husband, revealing his interest in being his wife’s cuckold can be risky as she may misinterpret his motivations and assume he has a hidden agenda. When many women learn of their husband’s interest in cuckoldry, they become upset and assume that their husband is looking to get into “swinging”, break up their marriage, have an open relationship or even atone for his own infidelity.

Before a husband mentions being a cuckold to his wife, he should carefully consider what it is about the cuckold lifestyle that he finds exciting. Given the counterintuitive nature of being a cuckold, this self-reflection is important for several reasons. Firstly, so the husband can better determine if he truly is ready to be an actual cuckold in real life. There are several things he can do.

He could try imagining his wife having sex with certain men he knows among his friends and/or co-workers. He might find that the idea of certain men having sex with his wife is more arousing, distressful or objectionable than others. He needs to understand that his wife might be attracted to men who are similar to him in appearance and personality or she might want someone who is very different from her husband.

If the husband can understand his feelings, he can better adapt if or when his wife does accept a cuckold lifestyle and things don’t unfold the way he originally imagined.

Another thing a man should try is imagining his wife going off on a “date” or having sex with another man when he is having sex or masturbating. He will likely find that his fantasising will add greatly to his arousal. After he has an orgasm, he should continue reflecting on how he would feel if his wife was having sex with someone else. In this post-orgasm state he will likely feel more jealousy, resentment and other negative feelings.

Riding the “Arousal Wave”

It is important to recognize the emotional effect that sexual arousal has overall, especially on men and their sexual fantasies. It is relatively easy for a man that is sexually aroused to enjoy kinky fantasies and fetishes, but once he has an orgasm, his interest and “openness” often diminishes or disappears along with his arousal. Prior to having an orgasm, a man is riding on a wave of sexual excitement. Once he has an orgasm, that “arousal wave” crashes down and his perspective is often radically changed when he has to deal with some hard realities.

It is vitality important that the man learn to deal with and minimise the negative emotions he feels about being a cuckold when he is not aroused. A simple way for him to do this is to keep fantasising about his wife being sexual with another man, both when he is aroused and then again right after he has an orgasm.

Another technique a man can use to help him deal with cuckold-angst is reciting a “cuckold mantra”. Here, the man thinks up a key phrase that is meaningful and repeats it silently to himself or aloud somewhere private. The phrase should be something that the man finds a bit challenging to think about and say. The mantra is then repeated 10-12 times at least twice a day.

Examples:

“My wife deserves more sexual pleasure than I can give her“,

“I want my wife to have a well-endowed boyfriend who she fucks on a regular basis“.

It might seem trivial but this technique is a kind of self-hypnosis that can really help a man partially overcome his negative feelings about being a cuckold.

For Wives

Women enjoy modern cuckoldry in different ways depending on their temperament and up-bringing.
- For some, it is about breaking a taboo and being a wanton woman.
- For others, it is about some form of exhibitionism where they have the starring role in an erotic production.
- A fun way to dominate their cuckold.
When a wife wants to discuss with her husband the idea of using cuckoldry in their marriage, she needs to think how her husband might react to the idea of being a cuckold. Under no circumstances should she just reveal her cuckold fantasy to her husband without careful consideration since doing so to a man who is highly cuckold-adverse would make it extremely difficult to ever get him to change his mind. Instead, she needs to think about his personality and what type of cuckold he might be; voyeuristic or submissive and then act accordingly when planning her next move.

One thing a wife might do is to try and learn more about her husband’s sexual fantasies by being observant and snooping around.

When she has sex with him, does she recall anything that happened that might reveal something about her husband’s sexual roadmap? For instance, does he often approach her to have sex when she wears certain lingerie?

During this exploratory stage, the woman might try doing some new things sexually to see how her man reacts to them – like:
- Try seducing him in a setting or location outside the bedroom.
- Introduce the use of sex toys or a new sex toy to their lovemaking.
- Use explicit language to describe her sexual arousal or the pleasure she wants or is feeling.
- Purchase some new risqué lingerie and surprise her husband with it.
- Describe to her man a sexual fantasy or dream she had, adding to it in ways that he might find exciting.
- Purchase or download sexual explicit videos that feature cuckold-related themes like a woman with two men, sexual promiscuous “soccer moms”…etc, to view with her man.
The woman needs to pay attention to how aroused he becomes when they are doing something that is new and different from their regular sexual routine. Anything else, the woman can learn about her man’s sexual “triggers” which can help her ease him into the idea of being her cuckold.

In the next instalment, I will go over some ways a couple’s relationship can change once they become involved and comfortable with cuckoldry.
March 7, 2014