Tag: Consent

How to dirty talk during sex without offending her

I like to have dirty talk during sex but am afraid of getting carried away. Will she be turned off or offended if I started calling her a slut or dirty whore in the midst of it?

Dirty talk can be fun and there are many different forms of it. The type of “degrading dirty talk” you mention – telling your partner they are “dirty” or “a slut” is one type that some people enjoy. Another type of dirty talk can be more “in the moment, descriptive” – saying out loud what you are physically doing to your partner, what you want them to do, what you would like to do to them (“I want to f*ck you so hard, I want to put my tongue there,” etc.).

An essential element when using dirty talk to make sure that your partner won’t be turned off or offended (or potentially traumatized) is to ask for their consent. Before you start engaging physically, mention that you enjoy dirty talk and maybe give an example of the things you like to say. Allow your partner time to consider if this is okay and to let you know if they are into it as well. If they are not comfortable with being called specific things, trying the more “in the moment descriptive” type of dirty talk might be more comfortable.

It’s important to also make it clear that if your partner is uncomfortable at any time during the dirty talk that they can communicate this to you and you honor that by stopping. By “putting it out there” beforehand you are also emphasizing that this is something that turns you on sexually and is not a fundamental truth (i.e. you do not in reality believe she is a dirty whore).

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Elizabeth is a Clinical Psychologist and psychotherapist in Washington State. She provides therapy and consultation to individuals and couples and is working to become an AASECT-certified Sex Therapist. Her primary interests are romantic and sexual relationships, sexual empowerment and education, the dynamics of communication, and reducing stigma around issues of sexuality and mental health. Get in touch with Elizabeth via email at drelizabethwatt@gmail.com.

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April 24, 2016
Help! My Boyfriend keeps Groping me!
Here’s a question that showed up in my in box that I think will resonate with many of you:

I have been dating my boyfriend for six months. I like him a lot. He likes to touch my breasts a lot, including when we’re not having sex or during foreplay — just casually, because he enjoys it — he says he just really likes my breasts. Some of the time I’m OK with it, but a lot of the time it feels distracting, like he’s sexualizing neutral situations or invading my space. He even did it one time when I was upset about something and he’d been comforting me. I have told him it makes me feel kind of manhandled and objectified, and I called him out particularly sharply during that incident in which I was upset. He has seemed apologetic but hasn’t quite stopped with the casual breast-touching. I don’t know quite where and how to draw a line with him. I feel kind of ambivalent about it — on one hand, I guess I could just change my attitude about it and go with the flow, but on the other hand, it often annoys me. Am I just interpreting it the wrong way? Should I insist on a no-breast-touching-except-for-sex policy, or ask him to ask me each time he wants to do it, or perhaps declare a temporary moratorium? What would you think might make sense and actually work? I want to communicate clearly, have him understand what this is like for me, and maintain our closeness and trust while coming to some sort of middle ground that makes us both feel good. I’ve taken to attempting ersatz retaliation by squeezing his crotch or nipple occasionally in protest (lightly), which gets the message across but doesn’t make me feel too good about myself, and mostly just makes him laugh. He’s really a good guy and in general works to be a GGG partner for me, I just think he doesn’t get what this is like for me.

I think there are a few different ways you could approach this, depending on what feels most comfortable to you. The first thing, though, is that I don’t think you need to try to change your attitude about it and just “go with the flow.” Your discomfort is valid and you get to have whatever boundaries you want for how and when he touches you.

While it might seem like ersatz retaliation would work, I’m not surprised that it didn’t. Given that men don’t generally experience the same level of unwanted touch, sexual attention, or sexual intrusion that women face, he’s not likely to feel the same way when you do it. So that makes it not really effective for getting your point across.

One of the challenges in dealing with this kind of thing is that it’s easy to slip into the trap of trying to figure out why he does this as a way of strategizing how to respond. The difficulty is that doing that can actually make it harder for you to set your boundaries. While his motivations are a part of this puzzle, they don’t have to keep you from maintaining your bodily autonomy. They’re something for him to figure out so he can change his behaviors, and no matter what they are, you get to have your limits.

So here’s a framework for you to tell him what you need in a way that might be easier for him to hear:

1) Name the behavior. Start with something like, “When you touch my breasts during non-sexual interactions without asking…” Focusing on the action frames the next part and keeps attention on what he’s doing, rather than why.

2) Describe what meaning you associate with it. Some possibilities might be:
- It seems like you’re sexualizing me when I’m not feeling sexual.
- It seems like you don’t care about my boundaries.
- It looks like you’re not interested in whether I want you to do it or not.
The goal in this part is to talk about what his actions mean to you. We’ll get to how they feel in the next part, so try to keep this piece about what you think they mean.

3) Now, you’re ready to talk about how it makes you feel:
- Because of that, I feel really invaded.
- That makes me feel angry about it.
- I feel upset about it.
The reason this works is that when you explain what you think something means, it becomes much easier for him to understand how you feel. It’s also a lot less likely that he’ll get defensive about this, which will help him absorb what you’re saying. (This is based on the book Taking the War Out of Our Words, which I highly recommend.) Of course, you need to tailor this to your specific situation, but the general format is what happened, what it means to you, and how you feel about it. Put it all together, and you might say:
At this point, I’m guessing that he’ll have a response, and the two of you can talk about it. My hope is that he’ll apologize, and there are some important steps to that process, too. It’s essential that he really try to understand how you feel and commit to changing his behavior as part of that. So then, the question becomes: what changes do you want to ask for?

I think it’s totally fair for you to tell him that you want him to ask you about touching your breasts in non-sexual situations. If he has to stop and use his words, it’ll give him an opportunity to explore what he’s doing and why. It will also demonstrate to you that he values your autonomy and that he understands where your boundaries are. When it comes to things like this, I think that the way to find the middle ground is for him to learn how to invite sexual energy into the situation (here’s my favorite way to do that) rather than assuming it’s ok.

One thing- you might also want to consider how you’ll deal with his learning curves around this. Whatever it is that’s prompting him, he’s probably developed some habitual patterns, and those might take some time for him to successfully change. You could, for example, simply take his hand off of your breast. Or you could take his hand away and tell him, “This is that thing we talked about.” If he’s genuinely trying to modify what he does, that will likely be enough. If he gets pushy or insistent, or if he doesn’t seem to be trying to change, that’s another conversation you’ll need to have with him.

I hope that helps!

This article has been republished with permission from Charlie Glickman. Visit his webpage to read more of his pieces here.

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October 10, 2015
50 Shades of Curious: BDSM for Beginners

Hello all you SimplySxy people. I am very happy to bring you my very first Sexpert column for SimplySxylife.com. My Name is Bo Blaze and the nice folks here thought it would be a good idea for me to tell you a little about myself and to give you some basic info.

So first, about me. I’m a professional certified “alternative” life coach; specializing in Alternative Sexual Relationships and Non-Traditional Lifestyles. I have taught and lectured all over the USA at hundreds of universities, conferences and various alternative events. Some of the subjects that I speak on are: Lifestyle BDSM, Ethical Non-Monogamy (Polyamory), the Fetish World and LGBT issues.

I’ve also helped thousands of people practice Risk Aware, Safe, Sane & Consensual BDSM over the last 12 years, both as a novice group facilitator and board member emeritus for NYC’s The Eulenspiegel Society (TES)—the oldest and largest BDSM support and education group in the USA. If you’d like to know more about me please visit my website at www.AlternativeLifeCoach.com

I am also the author of the bestselling book (take a wild guess what it’s called) 50 Shades of Curious: BDSM for Beginners. Many of you might wonder why after years of working within these various real worlds, I’d choose to name my book as homage to a trashy, fantasy, romance novel and one of the most polarizing books in the history of BDSM?

The publishing of Fifty Shades of Grey is NOT the dawning of a literary masterpiece or a factually correct overview of how to perform BDSM. Like it or not, however, more than a 100 million copies of the Fifty Shades books are out there and a LOT of people are reading them and getting curious about kinky sex and BDSM. They have questions and need guidance as they begin their journey. It’s my mission to get them the answers and do my best to keep them safe and well informed.

Simply put, I’m willing to be a whore to reach the masses with my message of Risk Aware, Safe, Sane, Consensual, BDSM. As an alternative life coach, I help people live a more alternative life. To me, that simply means living a life where one is always growing, changing, and evolving. Where you question, think, and create. Where you refuse to settle for what you are told to do and instead follow a path to real fulfilment and enlightenment. So if you are or if you are even think that you might be into BDSM, you are NOT WEIRD and you’re not even part of the minority. Let’s strip away all this guilt and shame you’ve been fed, and learn to ENJOY each other.

There is so much to tell you, but we only have so much room, so let me start by telling you something I tell every in single novice class I teach.

THERE ARE NO RULES TO BDSM, EXCEPT CONSENT

This gets across two really important things. First, don’t let anyone tell you that they know the right way to practice BDSM or that you are not a good submissive if you don’t do this. Or you are not a good top if you don’t do that. All that matters is that you and your partner(s) are mutually enjoying one another. Sure, there are a lot of great models out there to emulate. You might see how someone does something and think it’s very cool and want to do the same thing, but feel free to change it up and do it your way! I encourage all of you to educate yourselves as much as you can; there are so many different ways to participate in BDSM. Then take all that knowledge and have fun!

Second, it’s essential that you realize that there is no BDSM without consent. In the absence of consent, it’s not BDSM. It’s abuse. There is no getting around this, NO means NO and there are no extenuating circumstances. We must always have a way to keep a scene consensual. Things can get tricky if your fantasy and play involves what we call consensual non-consent. It’s often a lot of fun to beg and plead and say “no, no, no” but it is most important when we engage in that kind of play, we have to create a way to keep things consensual. That’s why we have things like safe words so that even when we are role- playing, we can keep things consensual. Safe words simply mean that you have a pre-arranged word that you wouldn’t normally blurt out, like RED or SAFE WORD that will immediately call everything to a stop and allow you to check in with your partner. This way, you can beg and plead all you want but when you need things to stop for real, it’s just a simple word away.

Another one of my passions is communication. I’ve taught a class called Communication, Communication, Communication for many years. To help make it easy to remember the three main points of that class, I created Bo’s BDSM Triangle of Communication.

In our next instalment, I will explain more on my “Triangle of Communication” and how you can use it to your advantage. One of my favorite sayings is: “I want to know everything about you so I can liberally use it against you” 😉

SEND ME YOUR QUESTIONS! You can send them to simplysxy@alternativelifecoach.com and we’ll be answering them in this column in the coming months. If you would like to get up to speed quickly, please do read my book 50 Shades of Curious: BDSM for Beginners, available at Amazon.

Bo Blaze,
Professional Certified Coach

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July 16, 2014
Uncuffed: An Intro to Kinky Exploration

If you are a curious beginner looking to explore the multiple facets of kink with your partner, whether that means buying your first set of handcuffs or acting out an intense fantasy, there are three guidelines to start you off…to get you off.

Communication with your partner is crucial to having a good kinky time. If this is your first time expanding your sexuality and testing your comfort zone then there is a lot to talk about with your partner. It can be a little awkward at first to address these sometimes new and edgy topics, and that’s okay. You’re allowed to feel a little uncomfortable. Start out slow when addressing kink with your partner; maybe mention you read an article or an erotic story online about some light bondage and a blindfold and were wondering if your partner would be open to tying you up (or vice versa) with a tie or fuzzy handcuffs and blindfolding you with a scarf. Sometimes it is easier to begin with small changes to your sexual routine to get more comfortable, before experimenting with more intense changes, like replacing that scarf or fuzzy handcuffs with rope or leather bonds.

It also can be helpful to give each other a verbal outline of what will happen (at least the first few times) so there are no surprises that your partner may not be expecting or enjoy. For example, if you are tying your partner up and then blindfolding them, explain to them how and what you will tie them up with, and explain that you can stop at any time if you or your partner becomes uncomfortable. Talking it out is a great way to reduce any stress or nervousness you or your partner may experience during this new adventure you are embarking on together.

Consent is also a critical piece of kinky exploration that ties (pun intended) in well with communicating with your partner. Consent is so important for you and your partner’s sexual experience. After talking to your partner about wanting to trying that light bondage, or wanting to be blindfolded for a little sensory deprivation if your partner does not want to try those things you need to respect that. Consensual sex is the best kind of sex, and if your partner feels obligated or bullied into trying these kinds of things, it likely will not be enjoyable for either one of you and will not make for promising sexual exploration in the future. If at first your partner does not seem too keen on the idea of incorporating these new kinky ideas into your sexual repertoire, that’s okay. You might try showing your partner that article or erotic story you read that gave you the idea in the first place, or looking into some literature for kinky beginners.

If after reading up on kink through articles, books, or erotica and your partner is still hesitant, you should respect that and just give it some time. Let the conversation rest for a while, maybe your partner is stressed at work currently or is having difficulty within their family. Showing you respect their decision and/or can wait for other areas of their life to settle down will show your partner you respect them and honour their consent, and may keep your partner’s mind open to consenting to some kinky fun in the future.

Lastly, after you have discussed what you are going to try with your partner, how you are going to try it, and have received verbal and (maybe a little nervous) enthusiastic consent, you need to keep safety and sanitation in mind as well. This basically means using safe products for you and your partner, and to have a basic understanding of the kinky toys you might try using before actually using them on your partner. For example, if you are going to use handcuffs, make sure you know how to easily get in and out of them. Or, if you are going to use any sex toys like vibrators or dildos, make sure you know what they are made out of and know if those materials are healthy for you and your partner (be aware of latex and other kinds of allergies). After you are done using toys, make sure to wash and store them properly too for next time.

A final word on safety; depending on what you are choosing to explore sexually with your partner, having a safe word may be beneficial. Having a safe word, like “red” for stop or “yellow” for slow down, or something silly like “watermelon”, can give you and your partner confidence and security in your kinky exploration. If what you are experimenting with gets too intense for one of you, you can stop whenever you want by using your word.

Keeping these three simple rules in mind: open communication, consent and safety for you and your partner while you begin to experiment and broaden your sexy horizons, will hopefully lead you both to a healthy, confident, (kinkily) blossoming sexuality.

Images courtesy of Shutterstock

April 18, 2014
Asking and Giving Consent for Sex

When it comes down to getting jiggy with your partner, consent is a huge question mark. Often, people get confused when there are mixed signals, which may lead to unwanted sex (sexual assault or rape), even if people didn’t mean to. A simple “Let’s go over to my place after dinner” could be misconstrued as an invitation to sex, for example.

To many, consent is a simple question followed by a “yes” or “no” answer, but one of the biggest challenges with this is that it’s often awkward to simply ask for sex. Additionally, the widely perpetuated myth that when women say “no”, it means “yes”, adds unnecessary uncertainty to how the answer should be interpreted. So what are the various ways that we can encourage the act of asking and giving consent in a more subtle manner without losing clarity?

Let’s come up with a spectrum of comfort levels between any relationships.

1)     Extremely comfortable (couples who are having sex frequently and already enjoy it)

Even though a couple can be in a long-term loving relationship, it doesn’t mean that we can take sex for granted. At this stage, it is alright (even sexy) to ask for sex upfront, where a “no” should not be taken personally as a rejection. It is more likely that your partner is tired, or not in the mood, or stressed. It has got nothing to do with you. Trust your partner that any rejection to sex is not necessarily an indication that the relationship is not going well or that he/she no longer likes you. Although couples have their own form of consent, they should still be sensitive to body language and cues, especially because people (and their sex drives!) change over the course of the relationship.

2)     Comfortable (couples who have sex occasionally or do not talk about sex openly)

When you’re in the stage of a relationship where expectations seem to fall out of the sky, assumptions and unspoken “rules” develop. Enjoy unravelling and clarifying what these differences are, because what you think should be a given, may be completely absurd from another’s view. This is a good chance for you to strengthen communication with your partner; to discover whether the established patterns and behaviours in asking for consent might perhaps be pressurising/ not entirely mutual/ worked previously in the relationship but is now annoying. At the end of the day, you must reflect on why he/she is sleeping with you to ensure that it is out of mutual desire and not duty or pressure.

3)     Neutral (Just getting to know each other or friends transitioning to lovers)

Take your time at each stag,e from holding hands, to kissing the person at the door, to hugging; so on and so forth. At any point where you feel that there might be resistance, stop and ask. “Is everything okay?”. “How are you feeling?” When it comes to asking for sex itself, “Should I go get a condom?” is one of the many great ways to suggest sex (and also making sure it’s done safely) without being too blunt at this early stage of the relationship. Other suggestions include:

–        Is it okay if I ________?

–        Would you be comfortable if we _______?

–        I would like to ______ to you, but only if you want to as well.

4)     Strangers (One-night stands or flings)

Suppose you meet someone at a bar you’re interested in (and both of you are sober), you start chatting him/her up and doing the usual courtship rituals. You are sexually attracted to the person and not sure if it’s reciprocal. It is always better to err on the side of caution; do not have sex with the person even if he/she hints at wanting sex either with body language or innuendo. At this stage, it is very easy to misunderstand actions especially when you have never interacted with the person before. Therefore, be as clear as possible, maybe almost blunt; it may be unromantic but it is better to be sure of the boundaries than to disregard the other person’s feelings. When miscommunication does occur, be the bigger person and apologise without insinuating that he/she led you on.

Consent boils down to showing respect and listening to your partner, as well as being sensitive to body language. When you respect your partner, it often makes you a more desirable lover because you exhibit maturity and understanding. Open and honest communication may seem awkward at first, but it brings relationships closer and builds trust and security in your love-making.

Images courtesy of Shutterstock and SlutWalkSG

April 13, 2014