Bondage & Discipline
Domination & Submission
Sadism & Masochist
These are the three core concepts when we talk about BDSM. These days there are a lot of erotic myths, bad rep and press and a massive interest, curiosity going around when BDSM comes up. It’s all because of the whole 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon. Most people assume BDSM it’s all about violence, abuse, pain, hurting the other, however this could not be further from the truth of the real BDSM (sex) experience. Kinky people use BDSM sex mainly to supplement their regular sexual life with some erotic kinky edging and bringing more sexual pleasure with some kink such as bondage, domination and submission role-play and power games.
A lot of people seem to think that BDSM requires you to use whips, chains, handcuffs or to have extreme violence, pressured rules and sort of other weird stuff. BDSM sex and the lifestyle is about using pleasures, sensations, mental and emotional triggers to a point where you can generate more fun, joy and europhile in your partner. During BDSM sex you learn to penetrate, awaken, and stimulate the mind of an another human being.
During BDSM sex, it does not matter how it looks from the outside; it’s more important how it feels inside, what feelings, issues coming up during the scene. That’s why communication and aftercare are crucial.
Domination is an art of taking control, penetrate to the other’s mind, open their deepest desires up towards more pleasure. Learn to master these skills and you will easily understand people’s deepest sexual desires and will be able to bring them to another high of sexual experience. BDSM sex can be healing for some.
The truth is that most of us already participate in some form of BDSM in our everyday life. It could be a very light BDSM activity during your traditional sex life. Example: if you are enjoying biting, scratching or having your hair pulled or have been called dirty names during sex. Some people would already consider these activities as soft-core kink. It’s BDSM for some vanilla sex lovers.
Some people would do the above mentioned erotic behaviours and just consider it as ‘normal’. It’s your choice to decide what BDSM is (thought your lens to this world) and if it’s for you or not?
BDSM could have a bad rep based on people not truly understanding it. Not understanding how some erotic activities could trigger more sensations in some people’s brain. Why would people do certain things?
We live in a world where we constantly need to wear masks to be ‘good enough’ for our friends, family and workplace. By the end, we forget who we are and what we need sexually to be complete. BDSM and exploring your kinky side could help you understand, open up and bring up these suppressed and ignored emotions, sexual needs, which could lead you to understand and accept yourself by the core. Pain also could be the pleasure source for some. When reading and learning about BDSM, it’s important to keep an open and non-judgmental mind at all times.
BDSM is for anyone who dares to expand their erotic horizons beyond ordinary. BDSM is for people who like intense sensations. For those who love to dance on the line between pain and pleasure. BDSM is art how to bring fantasies alive. It’s the best kink out there.
When it comes to kinky, clarity and communication are crucial.
As every profession or field, BDSM also has its vocabulary.
What is kink?
Kink refers to any activity that diverts from the ‘norm’, and it gives sexual pleasure. It’s an intimate experience, an exchange of power between people that can be physical, erotic, sensual, spiritual experience or all above.
-Dom / Dominatrix ( active) also called Master or Top:
An individual who create, control and actively move forward the scene by giving orders, experiments and rewards.
-Submissive ( passive) also called Slave or Bottom:
An individual who surrender, follow orders and gives up control to (or “intending to”) please her/his Master.
-Switch
A person who can be both Dominant or Submissive depending on who she/he interacts in a scene.
– Scene:
The actual act and place, the scenario of the play – who will do what. It’s important that before you start playing you set the rules. All participant needs to know what they will be doing and what are the boundaries.
BDSM sex should always be:
Safe
Sane
Consensual sex.
Safe: You don’t injure anyone. You discuss with your BDSM partner before starting a scene what is a “YES-NO-MAYBE” while playing. Partners need to communicate and agree on boundaries. What they want to experience, willing to try, outcome and what they do not want to experience at all. Always set a safe word before starting a scene.
Safe word can be used when things get heated.
It could be something that stops the act entirely or just reduce the intensity. Again it all depends on the previous agreement between the parties. If you have absolute trust, you can say: no safe word, however, for this, you need to know your partner well. When no safe word applied, there is no place to complain! Anything goes!
Know yourself, especially if you playing with a more experienced partner. No safewords translate no taboos; anything can happen.
Is that what you want?
Example: You like to try sensation play on your nipples.
The Dom starts to press, pull, twist the nipple with the tip of their fingers slowly then adding more and more pressure into the movement. Keeping eye-contact with Sub. If you are more adventurous or your level of pain tolerance is high, you can always add nipple clamps into this play. (If you haven’t got nipple clamps you can use DIY clamps, cloths-pegs!) Cloth-pegs could be applied to all areas of the body to intensify sensations.
Sane: Keep in respect the other person’s boundaries. Don’t go overboard giving pain and don’t cause harm. Before practising any form of BDSM start from the basics. Read articles, books and try to learn so you know what are you doing. Begin exercising and evolve your technique as you developed trust. Don’t forget the more you learn, the better you get. Technicality and becoming a Master of BDSM, it does take time.
Consensual sex:
Both parties need to be on the same page. Need to agree and communicate prior and during the scene, express feelings and desires. BDSM sex if done right can be a unique and freeing (sexually healing) experience. When the power dynamics work well, it’s highly pleasurable for both parties. If things take off and it’s more than you expected or able to handle, it’s okay to stop. Any decision during the scene has to be respected and honoured from both sides. It’s super important to have “aftercare” after an intense session. As in regular sex, you would cuddle, in BDSM you can chat, cry or whatever feels right after. Don’t hide your feelings, express them. Remember, it’s a healing sexual experience to connect with exact sexual needs!
Alexandra Holovitz is a tantric sex coach & hypnotherapist. She is known for her honest, passionate and authentic coaching style.
She works with high achieving men in their 40′ helping them to heal, express and empower thought tantra, mindset and self-compassion.
She believes in holistic healing (mind-body-soul) and by awakening sexual energy to thrive in life and business with deep connection, love and sexual liberation!
You can learn more about her work at www.alexandra.guru and connect with her via Instagram.
Follow Alexandra on:
Work with me: https://www.alexandra.guru/work-with-me/
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Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/sexyliberation
Promo: https://www.alexandra.guru/sex-master-hypnosis ( this is a self-study Hypno bundle for more confidence)
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