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We have collected your questions regarding sexual issues faced by married couples, and are delighted to have French Relationship and Sex Therapist France Licastro answer them below.
Qn:What are some common problems married couples have with sex?
Sexual communication is the common problem as women usually do not say what they like. Maybe bound by belief or shyness, and the men are not mind readers and cannot guess.
For the men: the will to have more sex but often getting rejected by their partner.
Qn:Are there signs a married couple can look out for that their sex lives are plateauing?
The plateau is reached when women start to be bored with sex in general, and the men’s sexual needs are higher and the women‘s desire digress. The signs are when one wants sex and the other is not interested in either men or women.
Qn: We’ve heard about married couples who have lost the spark in their sex lives after years of marriage and having children. How can they bring that spark back?
Bring back the romance which starts during the day with genuine compliments via a small SMS, a sign of affection: holding somebody’s hand, giving kisses when coming back from work.
Show gratefulness for any service done for each other such as taking the rubbish out or getting the washing done etc.
Dress for each other.
Qn:How can a couple resume physical intimacies after an affair?
Intimacy is based on trust, and trust takes time to recover.
Qn:Why are new moms so horny after birth?
I have never heard of moms being horny after birth and if anything, it is the contrary. They are tired and busy with the baby that so often, the men are left for themselves when it come to sex.
France Licastro is a French Relationship and Sex Therapist where she brings some of her French culture and helps people with issues in and out of the bedroom. She runs a private practice and gives interactive talks about relationship and sexuality on the Central Coast NSW Australia.
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I was an innocent one all through high school, but shortly after when I finally entered that moment into sexual activity I was rather confused at how short lived and lacking connection it had considering I had always gathered the perception it was something adventurous while also being diversely emotional. So after that initial experience I set out on a mission to understand this new world I had entered into. That one pivotal moment opened my mind and body to experiencing new sexual adventures in hopes to better understand my body and my desires. Exploring was the only way to make that happen and on that note there will be more to come on that topic.
Spice up your sex life with these tips
I applaud those who are intrigued to experience all sex has to offer. However, one of the best ways to truly open your mind to finding ways to add more “spice” is to realize the importance of intimacy, whether it be in a relationship or something casual. Either way your mind will dictate you body, therefore developing a strong internal connection between the two will open you mind to exploring.
Now, let’s add some spice! Porn! Whether you really enjoy watching it or it is something you could take or leave, porn is incredibly educational. Now keep it mind, porn is still a fantasy so take what you like from it and leave what you do not. Start watching porn, either solo or with company. It will give you a chance to discover what turns you on and what does not. Also, it gives you a visual to show your partner what you may be open to.
I want to address another topic. I will be brief for now as we can dive in deeper another day. Threesomes, swinging and more. This is a way to add spice. However, it is not for everyone and often should be left as a fantasy never meant to be lived out. If you do though consider this idea, communicate your thoughts and desire before anything happens. Whether you’re a couple or single, guidelines are essential and often a make or break with being able to enjoy it.
But what if my partner is not into it?
It is all about trust and security. Sex is a very vulnerable act. Each person needs to be comfortable in themselves, but they also need to feel comfortable with the other half involved. Start with communicating your thoughts. Trying something new sexually with a hesitant partner takes patience and proper communication. However, you never know what someone is open to unless you ask. I find often people are too afraid to ask for fear of being judged. Be open, be honest, and just ask.
Sometimes, accidents happen..
Oh my, yes of course. One time my boyfriend at the time and myself were playing around and I was giving him a massage. He was laying on my bed, back facing up. I was straddling him. He, hating anything to do with feet, would never want anyone to come even close to touching them. So to continue, I was telling him about a segment from a radio show that involved sexual acts and feet. For whatever reason, I turned towards his feet, not touching anything, but he reacted and kicked his heel into my face. Wow that hurt! Still to this day he likes to tell people that story. Fortunately he allows me to remain nameless.
To best describe myself beyond a single mother of two, I am a former small town girl who has always know life is a journey and to enjoy each little step along the way. In many ways I am like everyone else. I work, I raise my kids, I spend time with friends and overall I take on each challenge life throws my way the best way I know how at the time. On that note, I am also unique from the majority in that I believe in being open, honest, and direct with myself. That is most likely my strongest appeal. Everyone has a story and as I share mine to others, I enjoy even more hearing the story of others. Particularly I look forward to sharing my sexual journey as from the moment of inception it has been quite a ride (no pun intended). Read Lexi Ross‘ profile below and follow her links!
Being alive and creative, Tantric sex is not the same every time! So it’s hard to describe what it is “like”.
However, because tantrics train to allow sexual energy to flood throughout the body, tantric sex is usually an experience of energy and bliss that takes one beyond the normal state of consciousness. Rather then being each person’s will that guides the interaction, both people can surrender to this incredible energy. It can be similar to an experience of dancing so such great music that suddenly you feel as if you are being “taken” by the music and you are riding on waves of bliss. Not only do the two partners feel deeply connected to each other, but they feel connected to life itself and to all that is! Many people feel that tantric sex is a spiritual experience.
The big difference between Tantric Sex and “normal” sex is that normally people are taught to build up energy, contract around it and eventually push it out in an explosive orgasm. In Tantric Sex, people are taught to bring relaxation and arousal together, using special breathing techniques and other methods. This has the effect of expanding as energy builds rather than contracting. The energy can then rise up through the whole body, opening the heart and expanding the mind, creating full body orgasm.
Photo Credit: Sex to Spirit movie
How is Tantric sex beneficial
Because Tantrics work with energy, tantric sex floods the body with energy, very high vibrational energy. Ancient tantric practitioners knew that this energy could heal the body on many levels: physical, emotional and spiritual. Those who engage in Tantric Sex report feeling higher levels of creativity, energy, joy and connection. The tantrics believe that sex with a lot of ejaculation can deplete levels of energy, joy and well-being as well as reducing the connection between the couple over time. So Tantrics learn to draw the energy upwards into the body instead of releasing it out, creating multi-orgasmic experiences and also deepening their connection and intimacy together.
Photo Credit: Shashi Solluna
Who is Tantric sex for
Tantric Sex is usually a calling that people have. It is not for everyone. It is more that simply raising levels of pleasure…it raises energy and consciousness. I have found that most people feel a calling to Tantra at some point, and this is a deep yearning for more depth, more connection and often just a longing for something that they cannot even identify.
Some people move from something like yoga into Tantra as they want to bring more consciousness into their sex life. And others come into Tantra because they are very sexual people, with a lot of sexual energy, and they want to learn how to work with that energy in different ways.
Occasionally someone stumbles into Tantra by “mistake”. Women in particular have a natural tendency towards full body orgasm and given the right circumstances they may accidentally experience Tantric sex. However, they may then need to learn how to enter Tantric Sex consistently.
The reason I say it is not for everyone is that Tantric Sex shakes up your life! It can change everything. If you are content in your habits and patterns, then Tantric Sex is probably not for you. If you feel a deep inner calling for more, then Tantra may be your next step…
Photo Credit: Sex to Spirit movie
What beginners should know
They need to know that there is no hurry. If people race to draw energy and orgasm up through their bodies too fast, then they can easily get overwhelmed, and even feel fear and panic (as the energy is so strong). Tantra is always learned in stages. Because it works with huge amounts of energy, you do not want to force it…that would be like putting thousands of volts through a thin wire! It will burn out! Rather there are stages and steps that activate the energy channels one by one, and slowly the body becomes prepared for Tantric Sex. In fact Tantric Sex gets better and better the more you practice Tantra!
Beginners also should know that this needs to be learned from an expert. One way is with a teacher in a workshop, and another is with a trained tantric massage therapist. Be warned: many people call what they do “Tantric Massage” because it sounds good! But you want to look for a therapist who really knows how to help you work with your energy. This way you can gradually move towards Tantric Sex.
Read Shashi Solluna’s profile below and visit her links at:
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Sex or sexual intercourse is always hot and steamy on the first or maybe second time but what comes after is the mundane routine of in and out and in and out and … well … you get the idea. So I begin to wonder what can be done to spice up the relationship … sexually. So I asked around, including Mr. Google, and did some exploration (with my partner of course) and tried many possible kinky moves, which led me to some sassy information to share with all of you.
Rope & Blindfold Playing
The run-of-the-mill being tied up and blindfolded works almost every time as my partner pretends to be a pervasive intruder exploring every part of my body, looking for spots that sends my body tingling with joy. The moans and screams (at times) serve as human radar for him to know if he is near or reaching a g-spot. It is most exciting when he hits a spot that makes me go “woah” without any anticipation as he maneuvers along my body.
Sexual Role-play
Expanding from that, role-playing can really unleash one’s creativity to the max where anything and everything is possible. Combinations can include soldier vs. prisoner, police vs. robber, king vs. jester, kidnapper vs. kidnapee, pilot vs. air-steward, servant vs. gardener, bellboy vs. hotel guest, power ranger vs. monster and many more. While the possibilities are infinite, please do not engage in dangerous acts such hanging down from ceiling with ropes of questionable quality, or banging too hard and causing the bed to fall apart. On top of which, there are many shops out there that offer rental of costumes at pretty affordable rates.
While much of these information can be found online, some things can be discovered as gays … oops I mean days go by.
Blow Cock Blow
Don’t be stingy with the blowjobs, really, as I’ve never seen anything works better than a good blowjob. When I say blowjob, one does not simply wrap da mouth on the cock and suck away. Treat the cock like an UFO that you want to explore every inch of before you start the engine. Move from the “cock-pit” to the “opening” and slowly give the touch-and-go with the tongue, as if things will go haywire when the tongue stays too long. Following which, the exploration of sides, top and bottom is important before embarking on the journey to orgasm.
All About Positioning
While a business shop front is about location, location and location, bedtime sex front is all about position, position and position. With two sticks and two holes, the permutations and combinations of positions is almost limitless. While doggy is the preferred position for most, missionary, 69 and see-saw seem to work better for me and my boo. No one position fits all; there is always a preferred position for each couple.
The Don’ts
Exploring is important, but there are boundaries that one should not cross. I have seen a few examples of kinky games gone wrong (not by me though) and I sure hope the below will serve as a caution and reminder here.
Melted hot sugar is not like wax as they retain heat much longer. Thus, can cause a nasty burn or even peelings when poured onto bare skin.
Handcuffs are harder to take off in time and emergencies which can put one in dangerous position. Just stick to ropes, we are not really kidnapping anyway.
Don’t use toys too often as they can be cause infections and STIs if not sanitized properly, resulting in nasty rashes and skin problems.
Threesomes break up more relationships than enhancing them, no one who loves their partner deeply will want to see them being penetrated or penetrating another person.
Please leave live animals alone as they are not meant to be involved in anything sexual with humans.
NEVER EVER use drugs or pills as they impair one’s judgment. The greatest medicine for sex is love and nothing beats that.
What works for me and my partner is not universal, and so it is important for two people in love to explore what is best for them and what takes them to the next level of the relationship, sexually … *wink*
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Does your sex life fulfill ALL of your fantasies? Are you enjoying the best sex of your life? Or is there something more you dream of and wish for?
No matter how awesome the sex you are currently having, there is the possibility for more. But more what?
As a sexologist and sex educator, a lot of people want me to help them improve their sex lives. Many of those people imagine that I will tell them about a new pill, potion or position. It seems everyone wants a quick fix – something which will magically transform boredom and routine into a thrilling joy ride of coital bliss. And sometimes those pills, potions and positions can accomplish just that – for the short term.
But eventually, even new thrills can become empty and boring. And predictably, the search usually resumes for something new and exciting to fulfill our fantasies of what sex should be like.
Does this mean we are doomed to a life of uninspired sexual routine or, conversely, the endless pursuit of one momentary sexual high after another?
No. It all depends upon the erotic path you choose.
If you are willing to invest as much time and effort in your sex life as you do in your favorite sport or hobby, sex can be catapulted into a high art form which has the potential to exceed your wildest dreams.
But be forewarned that the price of admission into this rarefied sexual reality can be more than some are willing to pay.
Do I have your attention? Then by all means, read on . . .
Sex, like much of the rest of life, is shaped by our intentions as well as our technique. If your approach toward sex is oriented to simply having fun, then your sexual experiences will tend to be more superficial than heart centered.
But if you combine your sexuality with your spirituality, you can open erotic doors which transcend the mundane and literally launch you into a world defined by other dimensions.
Although an erotic journey of this nature can involve a variety of teachings and practices, I have outlined five of the most basic elements designed to take your sex to the next level:
1. Perfect Your Touch
You can touch something or you can touch your own desire. When you allow your hands and your finger tips to find their pleasure, your touch will naturally create pleasure in the person you are touching. Shift your focus from how you are touching and how you imagine your lover feels and allow the pure joy of touching to excite your senses.
The energy in your body radiates past the confines of your skin. Learn to sense this energy by holding the palms of your hands about a half inch to an inch apart and gently push at the space in between your hands. Notice how it feels when your hands come close to each other and how it feels as they move away. Can you feel the energy generated by the palms of your hands? This is what you want to touch your lover with. You want to learn to direct that energy so that your touch extends past your fingertips.
2. Master Your Breath
Everyone breathes deeper and more frequently when they are sexually aroused. But unfortunately, many of us have learned to hold our breath when we orgasm. For some, holding the breath seemed like a wise way to avoid making noise and getting “caught” masturbating or having sex when we were younger. It can take some practice to unlearn this habit. But it is important that you allow yourself to breathe while you orgasm if you want to take your sexual pleasure to the next level. If you learn to breathe during your arousal and through your orgasms, you may be surprised how receptive your body is to continued arousal and multiple orgasms.
Conscious breathing exercises including some yoga practices and meditation techniques are an excellent way to master the art of breathing yourself to an ecstatic state of being. When you know how to raise your sexual excitement with your breath, your ability to experience pleasure is enlarged. Plus another benefit is an increased ability to connect with another person intimately. The breath unleashes emotions and when we breathe deeply, we feel our emotions more intensely. Allowing these emotions to surface during sex creates a more intense sexual and emotional sharing.
In today’s society, everywhere we turn we see products and advertisements that promise new ways to have hot, passionate sex. With all these tricks to try we are often left wondering, what happens if the sex is nonexistent? In my line of work, I often am faced with couples that are at a sort of sexual standstill, and this is (to say the least) frustrating for all parties involved. What happens when that passion begins to fizzle and you find yourself in the midst of a dry spell? And even more importantly, what can you do to reignite the flame? Read on to learn the keys to return the heat between the sheets:
1. Open the lines of communication.
Chances are, if you’re unhappy with the quality or quantity of sex that you’re having, your partner could be too. There is a common misconception that less talk means more action, when in all actuality, this is not true. Your partner is not a mind reader!! Find a time (NOT while things are hot and heavy) to bring up your concerns and make your requests, but do so in a way that makes your partner feel wanted, not blamed.
2. Make the time to connect.
I know, this sounds so simple. The truth of the matter is that the majority of men and women become sexually aroused in very different ways. Women, for instance, will often present with complaints of a lack of romance, intimacy or feeling like they are not connecting with their partner. This comes from an intrinsic need for emotional closeness in order to be aroused sexually. Men, on the other hand, often seek physical intimacy (i.e. sexual intercourse) to feel connected emotionally. You can see how things might get a little complicated. Take time to turn the focus toward reconnecting with one another in an intimate way. In the sex therapy world, we often talk about sexual intimacy as a broader category of acts that may not include intercourse. For instance, sensual massage, showering together and other erotic activities can bring partners closer together, before they take to the sheets.
3. Prioritize your relationship.
Think about all of the things in your life that you need to actively maintain. When the fridge is empty- you get groceries. You fill your car up with gas and get the oil changed so that it continues to run. In the same way, you need to make time to focus on keeping your relationship fulfilling. Whether this is a weekly date night or daily rituals that help you and your partner connect, make each other a priority and stick to it!
4. Think outside the box!
If monotony is the cause of your sexual stagnation, maybe now is a good time to approach your partner about adding some spice to your erotic life. While being respectful of boundaries, making sex fun and playful again can often lead to increased frequency and pleasure. Adding toys and other sexual enhancement products, new positions, or role play fantasies to your sexual repertoire can be a fresh way to experience one another.
5. Make love all day.
I know, you’re thinking, “who has time for that?!” But when I say make love, I’m not talking specifically about intercourse. So often, we get tied up in the idea that sex needs to be spontaneous for it to be hot, but that is not always the case. Think about it: if you receive a suggestive text message or email at the beginning of your work day and continue to flirt with and tease your partner, by the time you get home the anticipation and the sexual tension will be rampant. You’re actively sending signals to your partner that they are desired by you, and vice versa. Try it! If you and your partner have planned dates for intimacy (or if you’d like to try), plant the seed early on in the day and keep it going! And above all, have fun, be honest and be open with your partner!
How many times have you heard a girlfriend tell you she is not happy with how her boyfriend or husband is in bed? Maybe you have a man in your life that doesn’t live up to your expectations when it comes to your sex life. Why is this? Are men in general lousy lovers or don’t they take the time to find out what you like and how to please you?
I think it’s the latter, they just don’t know and are too afraid to ask, worrying that you might laugh at them for not knowing. There are those that think they are super lovers but are they?
What do you do when you snuggle on the sofa at night watching a good movie and your man sticks his tongue so far in your ear that it feels like he is licking your brain? If you tell him straight that you don’t like it and make him stop, you risk hurting his ego. What do you do?
First of all I believe that we women must know our own body inside and out. We have to be comfortable with our erogenous areas and know what we like and what we don’t like. If we know, then we can guide our man to do what we will enjoy and not what he thinks we like. Remember, men take a lot of advice from friends and even pornographic movies, and those are not the best teachers.
Let’s go back to the previous example with the tongue in your ear. When this happens you can simply begin to kiss him and when you come to his earlobe you nibble it and kiss it lightly while whispering ‘like this honey.’
You have shown him what you like and how to do it, without putting his sexual knowledge or lack of it on display. If you would have pulled back saying ‘ew, stop that.’ You might have hurt his feelings.
How do you get to know your body? This might be a sensitive topic for some women depending on from where you are. There is no easy way around it, you have to touch yourself, and find your special spots. Once you know them, it becomes easy to guide your man to them.
If you have just met someone you can do this together, lot’s of men love to watch their girlfriend or wife touch themselves. Make a romantic evening out of it, light some candles, dim the lights, turn on some soft music, and give him a show. Afterwards you can make him touch you to see if he remembers what you like.
By knowing yourself you are directly controlling the quality of your sex life, you know what you like and what you don’t like. Now you can in a fun and erotic way pass on this knowledge to the man who shares your bed.
