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Tag: Safe Sex

  • Importance Of STI Safety In Sex Work

    Importance Of STI Safety In Sex Work

    Sex is my love language. Ever since I was little, I’ve too much enjoyed touches, being exposed, and being voyeuristic. Once I lost my virginity. my entire world view changed. I went from devout evangelical to devout hedonist overnight, going to sex clubs, finding strangers on craigslist personals, and becoming a sex worker.

    I believe there are ways we can tap into a shared consciousness through our bodies, through art, music etc., and sex is my my gateway into that shared consciousness. It’s a meditation on what it is to be human, and alive, and inside a body. And it’s beautiful.

    Practicing Safe Sex For Myself

    I get tested frequently and set boundaries. I feel most safe with someone who can express authenticity and communicating openly. I try to foster an environment where others feel safe to communicate openly with me so that the scary and gross topics don’t have to be off the table.

    To that end, always use a condom in work encounters. I only offer bareback services under specific conditions after that client-provider trust has been built.

    Misconceptions About Sex Workers & STIs

    People are sometimes wary of sex workers because they think we have a higher rate of STI’s — which just isn’t true. While our volume of encounters vary from worker to worker, we are on average doing more to screen our suitors, to enact strict boundaries, to skill share and learn from one another. We are better at this than you, I promise!

    Are There Rules & Boundaries?

    Yes, absolutely. Rules and boundaries are how we keep ourselves and each other safe. Every person should have their own boundaries around work-life balance, regardless if they’re a sex worker or not.

    What Activities Are High Risk For Sex Workers?

    I think the term “high-risk” is made up; it’s a classist term that is used to shame people into thinking their behaviors are somehow immoral. We all take risks every day, and the sexual risks we take as sexual beings aren’t exacerbated by doing sex work.

    That being said, it’s always risky to sleep with someone new. To kiss someone new. To meet someone at a bar. To fall in love. To have a child. It’s especially risky when your own economic situation is such that you have to ignore your instincts in order to make money. It’s risky to walk the streets alone, but doing so with another worker can lead to a trafficking charge.

    It’s risky to fuck a stranger without a condom, but for many of us it’s one form of survival or another—”Either I take this risk, or I don’t eat, pay rent, or buy diapers until I do.” The best thing you can do to reduce “risk” is to educate yourself and use your autonomy wherever possible.

    What Happens If A Sex Worker Gets A STI?

    First of all — Most people have HSV (herpes, cold sores) or HPV (human papilloma virus). You should always assume any given partner has one or both of these and make your choices from a place of that reality.

    When a sex worker contracts something other than those very common viruses, we do the same thing everyone else does — we try to get better and (hopefully) alert recent partners.

    Mona Knotte – A GFE and fetish provider in Seattle, WA. She loves to drink coffee, watch stupid movies in her underwear, and cause a raucos on the internet. She is an avid harm reductionist, lover of 420, and long philosophical discussion. Her big tits match a big brain and acute-as-a-button smile. She would love to do more travelling and is passport ready!

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    NiteFlirt: @MonaKnowsBest

    I’ll be in NYC between January 15-18 for my birthday! Taking pre-bookings now: monaknotte@protonmail.com

    Images from Mona Knotte

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  • Have Safe Sex By Using Female Condoms

    Have Safe Sex By Using Female Condoms

    I personally view touch – and by extension, many sex acts – as an important aspect in many people’s lives. I believe sex encompasses a diverse spectrum of actions and (as long as it’s all consensual and everyone has an informed understanding of what’s going on) there shouldn’t be any shame involved, regardless of what two or more people of adult age choose to do together.

    It bothers me sometimes that our society puts such a focus on penetrative sex and the male orgasm as the markers of a “real” sexual encounter, since it tends to center male-female partnerships as the norm and can cause stress in situations involving men who either cannot or choose not to orgasm during a sexual encounter.

    In response to that societal pressure I’ve put a lot of effort into re-imagining sex as a concept of intimacy where the focus is on mutual satisfaction, regardless of the form that may take. As I’ve put more time and intent into bringing this concept into fruition in my sexual encounters my sex life has become more consistently satisfying and I’ve actually found both myself and my partners experiencing new and varied types of orgasms when we’re together.

    Practicing Safe Sex

    I practice safer sex by limiting body fluid contact with un-tested partners and using barriers for all penetrative sex acts. I also keep tabs on my own risk levels by getting tested regularly and learning about the comparative risk levels of different actions so that I can make informed choices regarding my own behaviours.

    In an ideal world, all of my partners would hold themselves to the same standards, however I’ve found that in terms of risk management, it’s safest to assume their behaviour is less conscientious than mine.

    Common Reasons For Taking Risks During Sex

    Most often, when I talk to people who disregard safe sex practices, it’s typically either because they feel as though using condoms are “unsexy” or because they believe that it doesn’t feel as good when barriers are involved.

    The issues with unsexiness can easily be solved with a little forethought – with the right attitude, rolling an external condom on can be just another teasing part of foreplay and internal condoms (commonly called “female condoms”) can often be inserted using a toy or put into place while one’s partner provides foreplay.

    I’ve also found that generally, issues regarding discomfort can be solved with a little troubleshooting – if the external condom feels too tight it’s good to look into XL options (and try a variety of brands, since each one fits differently!), if external condoms tend to slip off then there are brands which make slim fit options and if the issue is with generalized discomfort, try putting a bit of lube in the tip of the external condoms before rolling them on and trying a selection of different lube styles and brands (making sure they’re all water or silicone-based) to see if one will help with the sensations.

    Photo: kadin-prezervatifi-kondom

    How Female Condoms Work

    Internal condoms work by being inserted into either the vagina or anus of the receptive partner. They stay in place via a flexible internal ring – often removed if used anally or with penises which are particularly long/thick – and the inside of the condom typically is packaged lubricated, though in my experience, additional lube is often required for a comfortable experience.

    Some benefits of this style of condom include added protection from skin-transferred STIs such as herpes – the open end of the condom stays outside the vagina and covers the outer labia when used properly – as well as decreasing the likelihood of micro-tearing that can facilitate STI transmission.

    Because this style of condom is inserted as opposed to worn, it decreases friction on the receptive partner and increases stimulation on the penetrative partner, which means that many people have reported it feeling equivalent to unprotected penetration.

    I personally find the sensations superior to unprotected sex – there’s far less irritation when you’ve been going at it for hours and it makes cleanup an absolute breeze, so there’s no unpleasantly sticky feeling afterwards (and no offsetting of the vaginal pH due to the effects of semen).

    Additionally, internal condoms are a phenomenal solution for penises that are too big for traditional condoms to be comfortable, too small for traditional condoms to fit well or penises which don’t reach full hardness (or which can go soft periodically during sex). In many ways, internal condoms are superior to external condoms in terms of their suitability for a wide variety of situations.

    Lack Of Popularity Of Female Condoms

    My opinion is that part of the reason why internal condoms are less common is because they’re not included in basic sex ed courses the way that external condom are.

    Add to that the squeamishness factor – many people aren’t comfortable inserting any sort of contraceptive device into their vagina – and the perceived unsexiness due to the end which is left external…and oftentimes people who haven’t tried them yet will dismiss them out of hand.

    All I can say is that in my experience, the insertion is much easier with a little practice – I can actually do it one-handed at this point – and I’ve never had a partner complain about the external portion being a detraction. Especially if there’s an existing dissatisfaction with external condoms those mild complaints will pale in comparison to the increase in comfort and sensation.

    The main downside is that they can be hard to obtain and often cost a bit more than external condoms. You can buy them direct from the manufacturer [https://fc2.us.com/patient/#direct-purchase] at a rate of $2/condom which – when compared to the likelihood of having to use multiple condoms in the case of breaks or slippage – is a reasonable rate for the quality of contraceptive being received.

    Becki Labine – Becki Labine is an unabashedly geeky ginger, enthusiastic pleasure advocate and all-around hedonistic science nerd.  When she’s not showing off her lingerie online she’s playing PokemonGo and living life to the fullest in the company of her chunky pitbull.

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    Featured image courtesy of Becki Labine

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  • Making Safe Sex Fun

    Making Safe Sex Fun

    Looking after our sexual health should be step one for everyone who enjoys sexual adventures, especially because not looking after ourselves can severely limit the amount of fun we can have in future – and we wouldn’t want that 😉 I feel responsible not only for my own sexual health, but also for every person I share an intimate encounter with. Safe sex, in my experience, is something you do together – and that is also the way to make it more fun!

    Common Myths About Sex

    There are a whole bunch of safer sex myths, and I’d like to dispel some for you here:

    Myth 1: Condoms ruin sex/they don’t fit me.

    Sex with a condom feels different from sex without a condom, but that does not mean it has to be less good. All brands of condoms have different shapes and sizes. If condoms sometimes break or split when you use them, or if they feel too tight, go a size up. If condoms tend to slip off or feel insecure, go a size down. If you get a burning sensation during or after sex with a condom, try some latex free ones – latex intolerance is way more common than you think. Don’t like the taste of condoms? Try out some different brands and flavours – you can find anything from coffee to mint!

    Myth 2: Getting a sexual health check is scary.

    Luckily, sexual health nurses are specially trained to make a check up as easy and comfortable as possible. Often, you don’t even have to get naked at all! Plus, not being sure whether you have an STI (sexually transmitted infection) is a lot scarier than finding out how your health really is doing.

    Myth 3: Having an STI (sexually transmitted infection) is the end of the world!

    We’ve come very far from the days that having an STI meant shame and no more sex. Nowadays, many STI’s can be cured with antibiotics, and even people who have HIV but take their medication no longer pass on the virus during sex. On the other hand, some STI’s are becoming antibiotic resistant – so it’s still better to prevent than to cure! The easiest prevention is using condoms and having regular sexual health checks.

    Myth 4: Condom use always interrupts sex.

    The more you practice, the easier it is to let condoms not interrupt the flow of your sexy encounters. There are a whole lot of tricks to make condom use sexier (which I will tell you all about in a bit), but one of the best ones is to try putting them on several times on your own, before you do it with a partner. Once you are super smooth on your own, you will be smooth and quick when your partner is there as well.

    Myth 5: If I don’t have a condom on me, I can’t have safe sex.

    Luckily, there are lots of types of sex you can have that don’t involve penetration at all – penises entering orifices is only one of the many things you can do in a sexy encounter. Maybe have a sensual massage, and slide your naked bodies over each other with plenty of oil or lube. Or enjoy some great mutual masturbation. The odds of an STI being transmitted through oral sex on a woman is extremely low, so get down there and pleasure your lady like she deserves! Exploring your partner’s body and finding out all the things they like that don’t involve penetration will only improve your creativity and enjoyment of sex.

    Myth 6: I don’t enjoy sex with a condom!

    I have literally never met a person who, when given the choice between sex with a condom and no sex at all, chose to have no sex at all. Sex is like pizza: even if it’s not your favourite topping, it’s still pretty good when you’re peckish.. So put your own health first, wrap it up, and enjoy your encounter!

    How To Make Safe Sex Fun!

    There are so many ways to make safe sex fun. I always recommend having a selection of condoms (and if you like, also gloves and dental dams) so your partner and you can pick your favourites. The best way to communicate about safe sex is to assume your partner is just as happy to look after their health as you are – and usually they will be.

    Now, to make condom use more fun I have two tips I highly recommend you use. First of all – if you have sex with men – is to learn how to put a condom on with your mouth. You can always practice on a banana, but it should not be hard to find a willing participant for you to practice this skill on 😉 Mind your teeth so you don’t break the condom, and make putting one on the sexiest thing your partner has ever experienced!

    A second tip is to put a drop of lube on the inside of the condom. The main difference between having sex with and without a condom is that there is less lubrication when you use one. When you put a drop of lube in the tip, it slides smoother and will feel even better – especially for men who are circumcised!

    And as always when having sex, don’t be afraid to laugh at yourself! Sex is fun, and so is safe sex, so giggle if you drop a condom while putting it on, wink seductively when you put a condom on with your mouth, and don’t be afraid to be less than smooth – if your partner didn’t think you were hot they wouldn’t be there!

    Things I Like To Make Sex Better

    Finally, lube is fantastic – it makes all kinds of sex feel better, and it also makes it safer by preventing condoms breaking when you have a longer sex-marathon. A drop of lube inside the condom is great, but so is lots of lube anywhere your beautiful bodies rub up against each other. Try a bunch of different brands and types (water or silicone based!) and see which one makes your sexual adventures even more fun.

    Anna Williams is a sex-educator and professional escort in London, UK. She specialises in threesomes, new experiences, and safer sex education. She believes strongly that natural beauty, communication, intelligence and feminine curves are sexy. She also believes that everyone should have the threesome of their dreams at least once in their lives!

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  • Should Pornstars Wear Condoms?

    Should Pornstars Wear Condoms?

    Since I was a little girl, I always dreamt about having sex and never-ending orgasms. And only at the age of 19 I had it (not talking about blowjobs etc.) for the first time. Why so late? Maybe because if you wish for something so much, you are then afraid it won’t be that perfect as you were imaging it for so long? Who knows… It is like with anal sex. Most of the girls are skeptical about it because they find it weird and are afraid of pain. But once you finally decide to try it, it is definitely not bad at all.

    2

    Is Sex More Enjoyable With Or Without Condoms?

    There are so many different kinds of condoms, that everyone can find the most suitable one. I don’t see any real difference between sex with or without a condom. If you like your partner and am excited about him, your pussy does get wet and enjoys having sex with him even when he uses a condom. The only difficulty I see is when you are actually planning to get pregnant, then the condom might be a bit problematic.

    No Condoms In Porn

    I have been told that using condoms in porn is disturbing people who are watching it. Because people want to see natural sex, not sex with condom. But in your real life, isn’t it natural having sex with a condom, when “meeting” someone for the first time?

    4

    Should Pornstars Wear Condoms?

    Until there are existing performers who are under the effect of antibiotics when getting tested (yes, antibiotics do influence the test results, so even if you are positive on an STD, your STD test results will come out negative) or until there are existing performers who are having unprotected sex the night before their shoot (and yes, they are happy to share that on their social medias), then porn performers should definitely use condoms. Not to protect only their own health but mainly the health of all the others and their families.

    When I was still working without condom, I rather had sex with a condom with my own husband. Isn’t that a bit weird? Imagine that after my first week in porn I was infected with gonorrhoea and he obviously caught it from me immediately. Therefore I then told to myself “no way” and I started to perform with a condom only.

    If everyone starts using condoms in porn, everyone will find it normal. So no, it won’t change the industry in anyhow. Apart from performers being always healthy and so being able to work.

    6

    How Will Porn Evolve With Condoms?

    In my opinion it will be exactly the same like now, you take out the condom just before the cumshot. If you want to see a creampie, well then the performers can do it with their life-partners (majority of pornstars are married anyway and most likely their husband/wife works also in porn), or simply use some cinematographic effects as it is already in use now.

    Lynna Nilsson (Ms.Lynna) is an international full-time Photomodel, T-DJ and Adult Performer of Swedish-Czech origin. Since 2007 Lynna has worked internationally as Model and since 2013 also as DJ who in an exceptionally short time has come a long way. Read the rest of her profile below and follow her on facebook.com/Ms.Lynna and www.twitter.com/MissLynnaCom

    Her new membership site, Lynna’s Sex World lynnasexworld.com is a blog where you can read about a unique opportunity to shoot a scene with her, even if you are not from the porn business. With condom and valid STD obviously 😉

    Images courtesy of Lynna Nilsson
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  • Is sex without a condom more enjoyable?

    Is sex without a condom more enjoyable?

    Hello readers, I’m Leanna Monroe, a transgender female that works in the adult porn industry. I’m 28 years old and from a small village called Woodsfield Ohio. I started working in the porn industry in June 2014. Since then I have finally loved my job!

    My views on sex are probably a lot different than most of the “so called normal society”. I believe you can be in a committed relationship, and still have sex with others. When I am on set, sex is my job and has absolutely no feelings behind it.  Whereas sex with my fiance is completely different, we actually make love. Having sex with others also allows you to explore your sexuality as well as things your life partner may not be into. Just cause someone has sex with someone else while in a relationship, doesn’t mean they don’t love that person, it just means they have sexual desires that needs fulfilled. Sex is art! All art is beautiful regardless who it is with!

    Photo credit: Leanna Monroe
    Photo credit: Leanna Monroe

    Safe sex is extremely important these days with all of the STD’s that are out there. But at the same time I must agree with the men on this! Sex is much more enjoyable without a condom!  For myself, if I have sex outside of the porn industry I always use condoms! Condoms take the amazing feeling away! You don’t get the full sensation as you would without! Plus me, personally would rather have sex without a condom!  Not only does it feel better but the actual penetration feel of a rock hard cock pounding me feels amazing!

    I also freaking love cum! I love the feeling of a hot dude busting a load deep in me and feeling it drip out of my tight little ass, or blowing it all over my face! To say the least, I love cum!!! Which is why I completely enjoy working in the porn industry, cause everyone I work with has the lab work showing they’re clean! So I get good wild sex and lots of cum! So if you know you are and your sex parnter is 100% clean, enjoy some sex without the condoms, if not always practice SAFE sex!

    When enjoying sex while your partner/partners uses a condom, first find the condoms that doesn’t kill most of the realistic feeling! If you have to, buy a few different kinds and see what you like best! You also know what you like and where the special spots are. I love toys!  So regardless of the toy I use I know my spots!  So if you have sex with a guy, take control get on top and ride that cock like it is yours and hit that G spot!

    I know for myself that I can ride a cock and have multiple anal orgasms with or without a condom! Learn your body and figure out what you like! Never be scared to tell a man what to do!  Most men actually get more turned on when you tell them how to fuck you! When they are hitting that spot let them know! If you are willing to get naked in front of the guy, then be willing to tell him what you do and don’t like! Trust me, sex with or without a condom can be extremely enjoyable!  If you prefer not to use a condom, make your partner get tested. It’s not rude to be safe!

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  • Is sex more enjoyable without condoms?

    Is sex more enjoyable without condoms?

    In the world of penetrative sex, the guiding wisdom follows that safe sex is the best sex. But is sex truly as enjoyable while wearing a prophylactic as when going at it bareback? This contentious issue has resulted in two polarizing camps: those who sing the gospel of suiting up and those who praise the joys of going raw.

    Truth is, though, most reading this post will answer the question with a collective “duh.” Little else compares to the elation one experiences from the unadulterated sensation of a moist velvety smooth vaginal, anal, or oral cavity.  No amount of extra-thin latex can produce the same sensation of going bareback. Still, there are too many risks involved with unprotected sex to outright promote the practice.

    Nonetheless, sex without a condom is more enjoyable. I know it’s not a socially responsible answer to the question, but it is honest. There are circumstances, however, in which sex with a condom can be more enjoyable than while wearing one. For this reason, I contend that the answer to the question is that it all depends.

    Many who promote the use of condoms at all times like to declare that sex is just as enjoyable, if not more so, than unprotected sex. They suggest sexy ways to incorporate condoms into foreplay. These condom proponents will often discuss the many product options available that allow for the same, if not better, sensations as experienced with unprotected sex. I agree that condoms can be incorporated into sex partners’ routines in a way that makes the experience quite enjoyable, but usually that’s due to a state of mind versus the physical sensations.

    For the bulk of my extramarital relations, condoms were total boner killers. However, I  once had a lover who recognized the effect the appearance of a rubber had on me and made it an enjoyable experience. She had oral skills that blew my mind. Within her retinue was the ability to slip a condom on me with her mouth without me ever knowing. We eventually stopped using protection, but the first time she slipped me inside her, I alerted her to the fact that I wasn’t wearing protection. She smiled down at me and challenged my assertion. I reached down past her bottom and felt that I did indeed sport packaged wood, but I never felt it go on. The condom was in place, and I continued to rock an achingly hard erection. The fact that she was able to suit me up so effectively only served to heighten the sensations in that round. During our next round, however, I grabbed a condom and attempted to pop it on. No such luck. I instantly limped. Being aware of the use of the condom killed my boner.

    The start of the relationship with my most recent lover highlights what a difference the mental aspect plays in regards to the enjoyability of sex with a condom. We started out very responsibly. We never played without protection. I wanted to slide inside her bareback at some time in the future but was in no rush to do so. It got to the point that I began to become aroused at the sight of a condom. Condoms equated to tremendous extramarital sex with my lover. I knew it was only a matter of time before we ditched the condom, but it came quicker than I expected. I actually felt disappointed when we stopped using them. My erections even lost their full rigidity until I got a nice pace going. I still wonder why I had a stronger erection with her while using a condom than without. I inevitably came around and enjoyed bareback sex just as much without a condom as with one. But, how very perplexing it was to find sex more enjoyable with a condom. It certainly gives some credence to the condom-use advocates’ position.

    Another group for whom condoms can make sex more enjoyable are the minute men. Here’s a fellow who gets to the point of penetrating his lover, manages a mere half dozen slow thrusts, and then… Pop! Game over. This man is not afforded with a chance to relish the experience and is often left with a feeling of inadequacy. There is a solution: wear a rubber. From my own experience, the staying power that comes from wearing a condom presents an obstacle to me hitting the finish line. For the longest time, I couldn’t cum if I wore a rubber. In this regard and unlike the minute man, this made sex less enjoyable for me. Luckily, I finally found a sweet spot and managed to find fulfillment while wearing protection.

    In addition to often resulting in limpness, I’ve found using condoms also destroys spontaneity. I remember starting out bareback with my first lover after my wife and I opened our marriage. It took about a month before something clicked and she began to require me to wear protection. The thing about this lover and me is that we often engaged each other in random locations, and always on a whim. My cock would be granite, her pussy a lake, and the tip of my penis would be poised right at her entrance. Then everything came screeching to a halt as we scrambled for a rubber. By the time we found one and unpackaged it, the heat had faded. Even once I managed to sheathe my sword, and if it managed to stay fully erect, a good portion of the passion had dissolved and it became merely an action, not a celebratory act.

    Overall, I will likely always find sex more enjoyable without a condom. It ultimately comes down to the preferences of individuals.

    If done correctly and safely, sex with a condom can result in a higher level of intimacy than protected sex. To do so, though, partners must be honest with one another and communicate any hesitations they may have. Also, I highly recommend getting tested prior to entering into a condom-free sex life with your partner(s), with the understanding that testing doesn’t guarantee that you or your partner(s) are free of STIs. Done responsibly, scrapping the condom and going in bare is one of the most enjoyable feelings we as human beings can experience.

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  • The Morning After Sex

    The Morning After Sex

    Was it good for you?  That should be the first question that comes to mind after a night of sex with a new partner.  You can rate it 1-10 if you like, but you may find the feelings are more like “Hell Yeah!” you don’t want it to end, or what the hell was I thinking?  Or how drunk was I?  Or worse, I thought that was going to be good sex.  Let’s look at what to do before and after:

    Hell Yeah, that was great and I hope we can do it again soon.  Well then do.  Touch your partner again and let new sparks fly with the lights on, I bet it will be even better.  Either way, pull out another condom or the first one if you forgot last night and smile.  Don’t be afraid to make the first move now, I think you’ve successfully made a home run and you can go up to bat again, unless of course there is work or school responsibilities which either of you have to get too.   If so, tell your partner you would love to do it again if it’s true, but you gotta go.  Elayne Boosler does a comedy routine about a female walking home from an all nighter in her skimpy black dress in the morning that’s pretty funny to have in your head while you make your exit.  Accept that your partner may have to run or may not feel the same about the night.  If so, be gracious say thanks for the good time you had and leave.  Don’t lie with an ‘I’ll call you’, just don’t.

    How drunk was I?  Alcohol, weed or other drugs helps you drop your guard and your judgement.  Or as my Mom would say, ‘you loose your good sense along with your drawers (panties)’.  You may be drunk but there is no reason to take stupid risks.  Use your drunkness to help you relax and get past your fears of trying something or someone new, asking the Tough Questions and learning more about your partner.   The downside of not asking are quite serious so let’s look at the way to make them opportunities:

    • Did you talk about safe sex?  Use your uninhibited boldness for good and blurt it out: ‘Are you disease free?’ or ‘Is there something I should know about sex with you?’
    • Did you use protection?  Again, automatic behaviours like pulling out the condoms or dental dam from your purse or pocket makes it clear that you play safe.
    • What’s in it for me?  My husband taught me this one, that if you don’t ask, you don’t get.  So if the kissing is good and you are feeling the heat of passion, whisper in the ear that sexual move that really rocks your boat and guarantees a happy ending for you.  Then ask what they like as well.
    • Where we going?  This is a toughie when you are young and living at home.  If it’s his place, you gotta have a back up plan.  Back in the 80’s when I started, stumbling into a guys trashy apartment was such a turn off, I was afraid to turn on the lights.  And when morning came I was so grossed out that I left right away.  But if either of your places is out of the question, the back of a car option will have to do.  It’s a classic place if you have a car, and then you only have to worry about location.  Keep a pillow, blanket, condom, and tissues for clean up at all times in the car please!  Stay in the parking lot with the other night partiers is better than driving off to some place darker and quieter where the cops or burglars may interrupt you.

    I thought this was going to be good sex.  But instead it was like flopping around with a dying or dead fish.  Good sex is a skill that takes practice.  Nobody starts off as a great lover, so going slow and enjoying the steps of building passion is the best advise I can give you for knowing what you like and learning what your partner likes.  Good sex in my bed means both partners had an orgasm inducing experience.   And if you didn’t orgasm and your partner did and fell asleep right away, that makes for a long uncomfortable night of not sleeping and getting mad when they start to snore.   So let’s go back and analyse this one:

    1.  If you can ask for a drink, you can ask for an orgasm.  Remember what my husband said, you gotta ask for what you want.  I know by now you can order off a menu, so you also need to ask for the experience you want to have.  You have a fantasy about what great sex will be like, so share your fantasy.  Whisper it in your partners ear prior to removing clothes so it gives them time to think and plan better or ask you for details.  Communication is Sexy.  Anyway you say it, shy, bold, flirty is adding the instructions to create a good experience.

    2.  No two bodies are alike.  Your erogenous zones are not like the others.  Again, you wouldn’t know if you don’t ask.  Play the game, ‘how does this feel?’  Try something, get a response and then say ‘your turn’.  This gets you in the practice of exploring the right direction instead of wasting time irritating your partner with the wrong stroke, while they are silently hoping you’ll change positions or move to something else.

    3.  Don’t stop talking now.  Speak up once you get into bed.  “Stay here”, “move to the left”, “sit back a little”, “touch me back please”.  All these key phrases go a long way in getting a mutually satisfying experience.  I think the biggest mistake couples make is that they stop talking when they get in bed together.  You can’t go into automatic pilot now, you both have to steer to get where you want to go.

    4.  If you are with a dead fish, pause for a moment and ask if they are comfortable and where they would like to be touched or what would feel good for them.  They may not know so play the ‘how does this feel game’ and get the communication going.  If you are with a flopping fish ask them to lay back and let you play a little more.  It’s your way of taking the lead and taking the pressure off your partner’s urgency to get there orgasm.

    Remember, your first priority is YOU. Your satisfaction, health, respect, feelings.  That will take communicating with your partner on how to get there and in turn, you both learn how to take care of yourself.  That way they don’t have to wish they read this article because you’ve just trained them.

    The Tough Questions – Pregnancy, STD’s, Marks, Bruises or Pain.  These are all serious morning-after questions and you can avoid most of them if you communicate before hand.  Informed consent is the responsibility of both partners.  Making the decision to have sex is something you do before, as it saves on the regrets later.

    Will they call again?  Maybe, but the question for you is ‘was the experience worth repeating?’  Did you want more just like it was or did you hope to improve it next time?  Look at the experience as a one time event and judge whether you would do it again based on what you know now.  If you liked it, be thankful and the opportunity for it repeating will come again.  If not, focus on what shifts you need to make to get the experience you want.  You want to repeat the fun experiences, not the bad ones so learn from them and make it the best sex ever!

    Images courtesy of Shutterstock

  • Hold That Thought… For a Minute

    Hold That Thought… For a Minute

    The night starts out harmless enough.  Your new hottie is chilling on the sofa, drinking wine and watching the hottest new action film out on DVD.  You’re snuggled into his side, his arm wrapped around your back, comfortable and secure.  A light squeeze from him and you look up to find him staring down at you, a hint of desire blossoms, and bam!  His lips meet yours, tongues collide and dance together, spurring the relaxing night in an entirely new direction.

    By the time you rip your lips away from his for a breather, you’re straddling him, buttons are being popped open and hands are wandering.  Hearts pump faster, rushing the blood to the best parts of your body.  You’re lightheaded, heated, and ready to get naked.

    We’ve all been there and there’s no shame in embracing your sexuality.  And while the safest and most responsible answer would be to not have sex until you’re better acquainted, we live in the real world where our whacked-out emotions often overrule the “sensible” thing.  However, slowing things down for a few minutes to think about protecting yourself and your partner is important.

    When was the last time you were screened for sexually transmitted infections?  How well do you know your partner, and when was the last time he’s had a health screening?  Are you on birth control?  Until all these questions are addressed, safety is an absolute must.  There’s just no way around it.

    The very first thing I want to stress is the need to be open and honest with your physician.  In order to properly screen you for the correct diseases, they need to understand your sexual history, and I can almost promise you there’s nothing they haven’t heard before.  I’ve worked with these men and women, I even did a stint at a health clinic for a bit, and things happen to people in all facets of life.  In fact, sitting here thinking, I can’t imagine one thing a person could say to shock me.

    Different STIs (previously called STD’s) are identified through various methods: blood tests, urinalyses, physical exams, and fluid or tissue samples.  None of these are what I’d call exciting, but when compared to the symptoms of many STIs, a needle prick or pelvic exam seem downright enjoyable.

    Until both you and your partner have been screened and agree to a monogamous, committed relationship, protection should be a regular part of your sexual repartee.  Alone, birth control has a high efficiency rate of preventing pregnancy, but no matter what form: the pill, a shot, NuvaRing, IUDs, etc., will not protect you from STIs.  Condoms are the way to go.

    They make condoms for both men and women, though studies have shown men’s condoms to be the best choice for preventing diseases.  And hey, why not make using them half the fun?  Be creative.  Watch him roll it on, letting the anticipation build and excite you.  Or, slide it on yourself while giving your man a hand job, or get super creative and learn to apply it with your mouth?  After all, why would they make them flavoured if you weren’t supposed to give them a lick or two?  Just be careful of those teeth!

    Female condoms will provide a barrier of protection and help prevent diseases also, they just haven’t proven to be as effective as men’s condoms.  And dental dams can be used for oral sex to keep fluids and bacteria from being transferred between partners.  Different textures can be fun to experiment with… being safe doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

    We’ve all heard the “But it feels better without a condom” line.  Maybe it’s true, I’m not a guy and I’ve been married for 19 years, so I can’t honestly recall what having sex with a condom feels like, but I do remember enjoying sex before my husband, and I relished in the fact I could go into marriage disease free.

    And people, condoms need to be worn for every sexual act: oral, vaginal, and anal.  They need to be discarded after each sexual act, and another applied before going another round or switching from oral to vaginal, vaginal to anal, or any other of combinations you desire.

    So, now he’s wrapped, or you’ve secured a feminine condom in place; here’s your time to lose yourself in each other, experiment, and just have some all-out fun. After all, a few orgasms are good for one’s body and mood!