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Tag: Religion

  • God’s Punishing Us: Isn’t He?

    God’s Punishing Us: Isn’t He?

    In 1995 a momentous event occurred. Pride. Gay Pride, London. This momentous event had happened many times before – to other people – but for me it was my first Gay Pride ever and I will forever remember it. To tell you why I will forever remember it I need to tell you the story….. the story of my first Gay Pride (and there is a reason I am repeating these positive statements)…

    I am from a small town in the county of Cheshire in England. Cheshire is nice as it goes with rolling hills and flat fields filled with cattle, sheep and rape: yellow flowers that cover the ground like colourful kisses. The down side of this particular part of Cheshire (which I won’t name) is that they suffer an incurable condition called ‘Small Town Mentality’. I was beaten up on a regular basis by the local schoolyard bullies and terrified yobs taking their own internalised homophobia out on me, a camp-as-tits-faggot (I can use that term – I am one). It was a hell-hole for a sexually confused gay guy who didn’t really know fully that he was gay.

    And when I say ‘he’ I of course mean me. Anyhows….

    Fast forward from the schoolyard and into my 21st year on planet gay. I was still living in the small town in Cheshire but regularly travelled to Liverpool, Manchester and London. The morning of Gay Pride 1995 arrived and as my friends and I travelled on the train from a suburb of London into the main stations on the tube line something started to happen. The tube and the stations started to fill with people that I can only describe as – Homos. Everyone, it seemed, were as ‘bent as a three bob note’ as my Gran used to say. I started to feel like I belonged. The commuters seemed unfazed by this chorus of ‘We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it! … We’re here, we’re queer, get over it!’ and I started to cry. I sit in between my two female friends, Sandra and Stephanie, and with all three of us being from this small town in Cheshire, we become overwhelmed by this, this, this – love.

    Love on the underground. Love and acceptance on the tube. Love and respect in London. In London, at Gay Pride, in 1995 – love.

    I can’t tell you enough or scream it in sufficient decibels to let you know that on that day, in that hour and during that minute just sitting on the tube – just how loved I felt. Loved by gays parading up and down the tube car blowing their whistles and flouncing their feather boas. The lesbians chanting ‘We love Pride!’, the Trannies pouting and the commuters, well, being commuters. A surreal culture shock as the train took us at break-neck speed from small town mentality to how life was supposed to be.

    Then something happened.

    As we disembarked the train and joined the thousands of revellers on the steep stairways that led up to street level, this immense feeling within was indescribable. It grew beyond my body and showed me how life is when you are loved and respected. We climbed the steps and entered the party at I think King’s Cross tube station. My friends and I stood aside the crowds for a while, three frightened fishes out of suburbia, catching our breath.

    And then it rained.

    As the rain hit my face I could see, simultaneously the light and colour of the gay parade that was all around us by this point and the grey sky above that threw the tears of God to Earth.

    My first thought was:

    ‘God’s punishing us’.

    I want you to really feel that: God is punishing us.

    This happened twenty years ago and I am crying recalling this now. The tears drip from my cheeks and onto the keyboard as I re-connect with those feelings – That God hates us. Does He?

    Do you see how strong this conditioning is? Can you relate to just how intense ‘internalised homophobia’ can be and how long it can last for? Let me flip that on its head…. I’m good at that:

    God is NOT punishing us. God is NOT punishing you, dear reader, dearest friend:

    GOD LOVES YOU (whoever you are and however you imagine God/Divine/Higher Being to be).

    Why, for the love of God – was my first thought ‘God’s punishing us’ when it began to rain, quite literally, on the parade? I will tell you why:

    Because I was raised in a very strict Church of England household and I was taught, repeatedly over the years – that being Gay is BAD.

    This process of repeated learning (I just made a phrase up, roll with it) can have devastating results.

    Another word for ‘repeated learning’ is – Brainwashing. A further word is: Conditioning. You can make it a two word special if you like – Conditioned Bullshit.

    How deeply saddening that this delicate 21 year old after finally discovering his community, his true identity – had to be cruelly ripped from the hands of his saviours (Gay Pride) and torn to shreds by his Saviour (God).

    Of course this is not the case, not at all. God loves everyone – everyone. It really is as simple as that and I am not even going to commit another word to it except to say…

    For every negative thought you have about yourself – whether it be related to Religion or not (and if it’s negative it will probably be connected to your Religious conditioning in some way…) – I want you to do this for me:

    Say TEN positive things about yourself.

    Do it. Do it now: ‘I am a human being of dignity and worth’ ‘I love who I am’ ‘I am worthy’ ‘I am visible’ ‘I matter’ ‘I exist’ ‘I love therefore I am’ ‘I am special’ … ‘#EnterYourFabulousStatementHere#’ ‘#KeepGoingUntilYouReachTEN!#’

    My God people, my dear dear readers and you lovely poofs, dykes, Trannies, faggots and everyone in-between – I Love you. So Much. I hope you can feel it.

    Matt xXx

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  • Gay and Religion: They don’t want to speak with me

    Gay and Religion: They don’t want to speak with me

    According to Strommen (1989) there are two common reactions that parents feel when they find out that their child is gay. The first is that, since most parents are unfamiliar with homosexuality, they have negative perception of it. And the second is the feeling that they as parents has failed with their child’s education.

    These two reactions cause parents to feel embarrassed over their child’s sexuality. Rothman and Weinstein (1996) said that when a family member comes out (of any kind) there are a multitude of responses. Take for example, the announcement of an engagement of a heterosexual person. This is usually met with a joyous response, a ritual party and many gifts. The lesbian and gay man does not receive this response. Instead, the coming out announcement is often met with negative responses which can range from mild disapproval to complete non-acceptance and disassociation. These responses, though usually excepted, cause considerable stress and pain for the lesbian and gay person that is seeking parental approval.

    The Rejection

    The rejection has a greater impact when it occurs in families with strong religious convictions. Blumenfeld and Raymond (1988) argued that families with strong religious convictions often support their own views of religion even if its against a family member. Some gays who have a family background with strong religious convictions would normally not come out to the family as they fear that a confession will be used like a boomerang; weapon that will swing back to hurt them. Thus the real threat for lesbians and gays is from their family as the rejection has a great influence over their behavioral and psychological state. The family, in fact, is the most repressive institution in running cultural values of the gender belief system; the stereotyping system of the roles of gender.

    “They don’t want to speak with me”

    “… (Crying in front of me) … My parents didn’t want to have a gay child so they stop our relationship. But I still in contact with my sisters. I love them … love very much … I send them some euros and asking them about the condition of my parents. … they don’t want to speak with me … One day, one of my sister want to send me some money, but I said « no », I am their brother, so it is my responsibility to take care of them. I have four sisters … One of them act like my parents. She is fanatic with Islam … I want to talk with her, but it’s impossible … (Crying) … I miss them …’’ (I, 40 years old)

    The story began when his parents passed away 7 years ago. Even until then, his parents still did not accept that he is gay. A few days after his parents had passed away, he came out to his four little sisters but one of them (the youngest one) did not accept him as a gay. Until now the youngest does not want to admit that she has a gay brother. The family has a strong religious background: his father worked in an Islamic institution and his mother is a typical Indonesian housewife. They have perform pilgrimage many times. They sent their children to Islamic school and all their daughters wear the hijab. Even though he studied in an Islamic school, his thinking was quite liberal. He told me that being gay is not anyone’s fault. No one who wants to be born as a gay he says.

    He is one of my respondent for my PhD research. He had to learn to deal and negotiate his life with his gay identity and at the same time come to terms with his religion and respecting his family Islamic ideology. Living with a religious family, in this case a very conservative Muslim family, was very hard. He was forced to affirm his parent’s request to terminate their relationship of parent and child. He sacrifices his life and moved abroad. However, he still does not know if he could accept his parents request to be conservative Islam follower.

    This makes me reflect on how lucky I am as I have three sisters who is still willing to acknowledge me as a brother. I feel devastated that he is gay and have to struggle with religion and societal norms. Being gay, for him, is not wrong but this is not necessarily true for others.

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  • Choice or fundamental standards of decency?

    Choice or fundamental standards of decency?

    This particular news (Outrage after lesbian woman’s funeral was cancelled just 15 minutes before service – because pastor objected to memorial video of her kissing her wife) has gone viral over Facebook and the web generally. It raises interesting views over LGBTQ ‘choice’ and religion, a hotly contested topic. The debate is often centered around homosexuality being a choice and a lifestyle supported by big-name celebrities like Lady Gaga and Cory Monteith (RIP). The debate is further complicated by association with a dominant LGBTQ agenda, gay marriage. This particular newsbyte is a nexus of the above issues.

    It may be argued that many countries protect the rights of individuals to exercise free choice. It is said that just as many of our LGBTQ brethren live in a world where their ‘choice’ is supported, the choice of other people like Pastors Gary Rolando and Ray Chavez not to service LGBTQ families because of their religious beliefs should also be respected. To illustrate the context of this article, some followers of some religions, including Christianity, interpret religious teachings to say that homosexuality is unnatural or violates those teachings in some way. This has presumably caused Pastor Rolando to reach his view.

    It is not the intention of this post to enter into the LGBTQ ‘choice’ vs ‘nature’ debate. That debate has gone on for many years with proponents on both sides and is too lengthy to fairly deal with here. I, personally take the stand that LGBTQ is entirely natural. Of course, I am a Western educated, LGBTQ lawyer with my own preconceptions. My reflections below should be taken in that context.

    Free choice is a funny thing. It is a double-edged sword in which it can be empowering and yet dis-empowering at the same time. It can empower LGBTQ rights activists to fight for the choice to love and marry. It can simultaneously take away the rights of our LGBTQ brethren by saying, well no, your sexuality is a ‘choice’ therefore you have to bear the consequences of that ‘choice’, namely abuse and rejection by your family, friends and even third parties at your own funeral. What happens if your ‘choice’ to be LGBTQ clashes with a fundamental cornerstone of society, religion, who for many involves a ‘choice’ to subscribe, as is the case here?  With respect to this article, I would say if you truly respect a person’s free ‘choice’, you do not impose or impact on someone’s basic right to have a simple funeral. The Pastors were not asked to approve the LGBTQ couple’s choice to marry or have children. The Pastors were also not asked to make a theological stand whether LGBTQ ‘lifestyles’ should be recognised. The Pastors were asked to preside over a ceremony to celebrate a life unfortunately cut short. The family was grieving here over the loss of a wife and a mother. I would say that LGBTQ debates aside, there are fundamental rights of respect, decency and sanctity associated with the death of a human being that are cherished by most societies. This was denied to Ms Vanessa Collier.

    You could also suggest that Pastors are held to a particular higher standard in the community. They are respected as spiritual leaders whom the community looks to for guidance in yes, spiritual and theological matters relevant to their respective religions, but also in fundamental rights of respect, love, decency and sanctity. Even if a Pastor disagreed with a particular ‘choice’, he/she would be more respected if he/she was seen to uphold these fundamental rights, despite his/her own personal views.

    But, no, the Church here did not refuse the funeral completely, at least initially. They only requested that the video of the deceased and her wife kissing be removed. That’s reasonable, right?

    In my view, this is splitting hairs. How can a funeral be conducted without a memorial of a person’s life, however they ‘chose’ to live it? This seems to be a case of imposing one ‘choice’ over another ‘choice’, over a circumstance where both sides should bring their defences down temporarily in furtherance of higher purposes of love, respect, decency and sanctity.

    Thoughts?

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