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Tag: lust

  • 10 Signs That She Is In Lust And Not In Love With You

    10 Signs That She Is In Lust And Not In Love With You

    While love can’t be put into words, it can be best described as a strong feeling of affection, and genuine interest and care for the other party. Lust, on the other hand, is pure fire; it is raw sexual attraction based solely on the physical factor. The two feelings are not exclusive, however; they usually intermingle, and may leave you confused.

    You have been seeing someone and sparks are flying. The attraction is mutual, and the sex is mind blowing. This situation may have been going on for a few weeks or for quite sometime now, and you may be beginning to wonder about the nature of your relationship. Whether it is bursts of crazy urgent sex, or hours of tantric sex, you may be wondering if that’s all there is. You want to know if what’s going on between you both is lust or love. Here are the 10 telltale signs that it’s lust she feels for you:

    1. Dates are a means to an end

    If you are at a point in your relationship where you’re wondering if what you have is list or love, odds are you have been courting your love interest for sometime. A look at the nature of your dates can be eye opening. Do you take the time to do activities together, and enjoy things you love to do? Or are your dates more of a door leading to a bed of crumbled sheets? If she seems less than enthusiastic to go on an actual date, and would rather grab a quick bite before heading back to her place or yours, it is definitely lust, not love. In time, you may find that she wants to skip the date intro all together, and just come over to jump right into action.

    1. She doesn’t want to cuddle

    Cuddling is a sign of affection, and feels almost as good as sex when you’re involve with someone. In fact, a study has found that cuddling is a way of nurturing intimacy. Thing are different if it is lust at play, however. Although you may be spending hours and hours in a variety of tantric sex positions, you may find that once you two are finished having sex, she wants to roll out of bed and head home. This sign can take a less noticeable form in her rolling to the opposite side of the bed and using her phone or taking care of unfinished business, and answering texts… etc. If this happens, she is in it for the sex and nothing else.

    1. All sex and no conversation

    Couples in love never find themselves short on things to say. They simply cannot get enough of each other not just on a sexual level, but also on an emotional and mental level. They can get lost in endless phone conversations and texts about random things that somehow feel fulfilling and interesting to them. If, in your relationship, conversation lags when it’s not a flirtatious tread to bed, this is a warning sign that it is lust, not love.

    1. You don’t feel like she is interested in your life

    You may be quite experienced in female orgasm, showing her a good time and taking pleasure in each others’ company, but if her interest stops at what you have to offer her in bed, it is a very strong sign it isn’t love for her. Love is hungry for everything there is to know and learn about the loved one. If your girlfriend is involve with you, she would enjoy knowing the little things about you: how you like your eggs, how you feel about a political situation, your childhood memories, even your opinion about the latest star wars movie. A person in lust, though, sees these things as irrelevant; a waste of time that can be put to better use.

    1. She doesn’t share details about her life or talk about her feelings

    The flood of conversation about what book she’s reading nowadays, what happened today at her workplace and how she feels about her latest run-in with her old-time frenemy should be reassuring. They mean your girlfriend thinks about you when she needs to talk about something, and that she eels secure and comfortable in sharing these bits of information with you. Even better, she wants you to know her though all these little details. Contrarily, the lack of any shared information other than her favorite sex positions, her fantasies or her past sexual adventures probably mean it’s only about sex.

    1. she doesn’t care about your future plans

    Unless you’re talking about how you plan to last longer in bed in the future, she simply isn’t interested. People in love automatically imagine a future together, and this created genuine interest from her side about your future plans, because your future will be her future. If she doesn’t ask about your dreams and aspirations, and doesn’t seem to be interested if you bring up your future plans, then she probably isn’t seeing you as part of her future, and is only in the relationship because of lust.

    1. Her friends and family don’t know about you

    When two people are in love, they have no problem showing it to the world. They, in fact, want to let the world know that they have found their person. Lust, however, feels temporary, and best kept a secret. If your girlfriend hasn’t introduced to any friends or family, and hasn’t let them know that you exist, this is a strong sign that your relationship is only lust for her.

    Her tendency to keep your relationship quiet, versus showing it off to the world, can also manifest in the way she acts when you two are out in public. While two people in lust generally can’e keep their hands off each other, you may find that your girlfriend acts differently in different settings. You will find that she doesn’t like to have physical contact in public places near her work place or in places where you two can run into people she knows. If you two have actually met someone she knows by coincidence, to be awkwardly introduced as a friend, it is an even stronger sign that it is all about sex for her, and that she doesn’t want to make the arrangement you two have known to other people in her life.

    1. You often wonder if this relationship is going anywhere

    Love feels secure, stable, peaceful and reliable. On the other hand, lust is urgent, volatile, fiery and intense. That is not saying that there is no fire in love, but passionate love combines the fire with feelings of confidence and reassurance. If the vibe you are receiving is making you feel like your relationship is a fleeting thing, leading you to wonder where you are heading, and whether what you two have will last another week, it is probably the fast burning fir of lust that’s making you feel that way.

    1. It is all about your looks

    Her eyes are drawn to your eyes, your body and the way you move, but are they looking deeper into you? When she talks about you, does she describe you as funny and smart, or just as sexy and attractive? Is she as likely to want to hang out with you the you’re not as put together as you usually are, or does the messy hair and unshaved face seem to put her off? If it’s all about your looks and nothing else, you are looking at a girl in lust.

    1. Make up sex

    Reflect on the way you two resolve your fights. A couple in love uses rational conversation to find the root of the problem, and solve it, preventing it from coming back in the future. Lust, however, is all about instant gratification. When you’re in lust with someone, you will find that your fights often end in quick apologies and intense make up sex. The root of the problem and whether or not it reoccurs is irrelevant, because lust is all about now.

    Conclusion

    Lust and love are both connected and different. In the best relationships, you have both. Relationships start with lust or friendship and develop into love, so there is no reason to worry if what you currently have with your girl is mostly heated passion. If you can see your partners interest in more than just sex growing, and you can see noticeable progress in the shape of your relationship, you are on your way to something long-lasting. If you tick off all the above signs with no improvement for months, however, you are in a lustful relationship. Enjoy it while it lasts. After all, lust is not too bad! If you recognize it for what it is, you will be able to reap the numerous physical and physiological benefits associated with sex, and have fun while you’re at it.

    References

    https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23070529

    https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20088868

    Ben Arnold – Ben Arnold is a freelance writer and a health and beauty adviser. He has been giving beauty and fitness advice to thousands of people all around the globe. Through his advanced studies, he has gain enormous experience in nutrition and healthy diet. His articles have a source on personal and practical experience. Apart from health, he likes reading books and listening music in free time. You can follow him on Facebook, Google +, Twitter, StumbleUpon and Pinterest

    Featured image courtesy of Ben Arnold

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  • The Love Experience

    The Love Experience

    “Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.” – Woody Allen

    Sexual stimulation is a pleasurable experience that can be fun and relaxing.  Sex and love can both create strong attachment feelings and one of the most profound experiences we have as human beings.  The capacity to love and feel loved leads to healthy and intense sexual interactions.  Love is one of the most well-known and least understood conditions in human nature.  Scientists say it’s a drive, similar to hunger or thirst, while psychologists may define it as a social or cultural phenomenon.  Regardless, it is the most universal emotion in the world with elements of each model that drives our need to love, including how sexual attraction and attachment style play a role in our relationships.  Studies in neuroscience show that as people fall in love, the brain releases chemicals that activate the pleasure center of the brain similar to drugs leading to side effects such as increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement.  Love can be experienced in different forms.  Our first connections with love are during infancy and childhood, and can set up love schemas that determine our capacity to love others during adulthood.

    Self-Love

    Self-love and selfishness are sometimes confused.  Each has different sources and consequences.  Self-love brings feelings of confidence, competence, and we are much kinder and loving towards others.  Selfishness causes withdrawal, and lack of respect towards self and others.  Self-love and appreciation are directly related to the capabilities of loving and appreciating others.

    The following questions can help differentiate between self-love and selfishness:

    1. When was the last time you felt unhappy with yourself (insecure, irritable)?
    2. When did you last feel happy with yourself (proud, pleased with your personal qualities)?
    3. How did you behave towards other people on those two occasions (happy/unhappy)?  On which occasion were you kinder and more generous towards others?

    When you are unhappy with yourself is probably when you were more selfish.  When we dislike ourselves, the energy we put out is directed towards protecting ourselves and is not focused on how we are treating others.  It is when we love ourselves that we are most capable of giving to, and loving others.

    Love Schemas

    How we are in adult romantic relationships is related to the working models or schemas we develop early in life – usually from our first loving experiences with caregivers. As we grow and develop these schemas become more complex. There are six different love schemas that are similar to the attachment styles that develop during childhood:

    1. Secure – seldom worry about being abandoned and believe other people are trustworthy and have good intentions.
    2. Skittish – wary of intimacy and uncomfortable with closeness, expectations that relationships fail and fear of depending on others.
    3. Clingy – desire closeness and worry that their partners don’t love them or will leave them and fear being on their own and abandoned.
    4. Fickle – uncomfortable with closeness and independence and never comfortable with what they have. They are suspicious of commitment and fear entrapment.
    5. Casual – view love affairs as fun and lacks desire for commitment often fearing intimacy.
    6. Uninterested – not interested in relationships and gets little pleasure out of it and when they end often feels relief.

    The development of these love schemas depends on how comfortable we are with closeness, independence and how willing we are to be involved in romantic relationships.  Identifying our love schema can give insight on our attachment style and patterns in relationships.

    Love vs. Lust

    The beginning stages of love are full of arousal, intense sexual desire, anxiety over rejection, and an array of positive and sometimes negative emotions.  Whether it is lust, infatuation, or romantic love, a preoccupation with the loved one is common and unavoidable.  Lust is actually a normal and healthy human emotion and can be very pleasurable for two people in the expression of sexual interactions.  If two people do not deal with feelings prior to sexual activity lust can sometimes lead to pain and guilt.

    There is this old cliché’ that men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love.

    Even though society is slowly moving towards more gender equality in views of sex – surveys show that more women than men find sex only acceptable in a love relationship.  If one partner is more motivated by lust than love, it can lead to difficulties in a relationship.  The sharing of feelings and intentions by both partners can minimize feelings of guilt and exploitation that can arise when two people have conflicting motivations for a relationship.

    Dependency and Jealousy

    Feelings of dependency and jealousy are often associated with love and are often experienced by individuals that lack self-confidence and self-esteem.  The consequences are a false love that consists of manipulative, exploitive, and unhealthy love behaviors.  These feelings of dependency and jealousy are human and we all feel them at some point in our lives – they are painful and often unavoidable.  The healthiest way to cope with these feelings is to communicate them instead of accusing, attacking, blaming or shaming your loved one.  It will reduce the negative effects of dependency and jealousy.

    Here are questions to assess healthy love in your relationship:

    1. Have you continued to maintain individual interests, including meaningful personal relationships with people other than your partner?
    2. Are you and your lover friends? If your erotic relationship ended, would you continue to see one another as friends?
    3. Have you maintained a secure belief in your own values as an independent person?
    4. Is your relationship integrated with the rest of your life rather than set off or isolated from your other activities?
    5. Do you feel improved by the relationship? Have you become stronger, more attractive, more accomplished, and more sensitive since becoming involved with your partner?

    These are great questions to ask yourself and your partner if you are in a loving sexual relationship.  If either of you answered “no” to more than one question it is worth discussing and looking at possibilities of changing aspects of the relationship.  The quality of a relationship is not measured by the absence of problems – there is no such thing as a “perfect” relationship.  The qualities that are important include honesty, integrity, and concern for resolving problems in a way that meets the needs of both partners.

    Independent, mature, and self-confident people have the greatest capacity for healthy and loving sexual interactions.  Two adults in a relationship that form an erotic bond can share their whole self – and can enjoy each others similarities and accept and be comfortable with their differences.  If someone makes the other person the exclusive focus of one’s life, it can reduce the vitality of a relationship. The healthier way is for each partner in a relationship to develop her or his own potential and be able to contribute individual, unique qualities to a mutually satisfying and stimulating relationship.  This ideal is not easily attained or constantly maintained, but striving towards it contributes to the hope and pleasure that characterize lasting and loving sexual interactions.

  • Making Lust Last

    Making Lust Last

    “How can we reignite the passion?”  In my practice as a somatic sex educator I often hear this question as I work with couples who once came together with great sexual happiness.  In the limerance of a new relationship, they made a decision to share their lives.  But the biochemical and social processes that ignite new lust and love do fade.  What then?  Is there a way to recreate and maintain a passionate connection in a long-term relationship?  I say, “Yes,” and it takes commitment: commitment to learning, commitment to pleasure, and commitment to conscious sexuality.

    Commitment to Learning

    Sex is not something we instinctually know.  We can’t learn it in a high school health class or a weekend workshop.  Sex is a vast curriculum and a transformative matrix of body, mind, spirit and emotion.  There are ancient sacred traditions and new scientific discoveries.  Our sexual needs are always changing as our bodies age, relationships alter, courage deepens, traumas surface.  We can all be lifelong learners of sex.  I encourage my students to embrace the mystery of not-knowing: What will please your partner today? What can you be erotically?  Sadly, it can feel easier to change partners than to change established patterns with an existing partner.  To avoid feeling bored, we need to become less boring, and more curious, open, and involved.

    When you begin with a commitment to learning, you will find many learning resources.  There are books, videos, tools, toys.  There are sexual professionals including therapists who can help couples address issues that block their access to pleasure, and educators like myself who can assist you in learning new approaches and techniques.

    Commitment to Pleasure

    Our lovemaking becomes mundane because we set limits on how much pleasure we are willing to experience.  I suggest my students focus on pleasure, and accept it as an inner guide.  What delights you?  How good can you feel?  What are your pathways to pleasure?  We can allow diverse pleasures to be felt and savored, whether they are sexual in any conventional way, or not.  Prioritizing pleasure often means that intercourse and orgasm stop being an invariable script for sexuality.  We take pleasure in the journey.  We feel, fantasize and practice our sexuality all day long.  Along with this refocusing, we stop waiting for our partners to bring us pleasure, and start taking responsibility for the practice of joy.  We begin noticing and focusing on what pleases us about our partners, creating an environment where passion can flourish.

    Commitment to Conscious Sexuality

    In long-term relationships, sex becomes something we make happen rather than something that happens to us.  Do you miss the hormonal surges that make sex feel paramount and effortless?  Because our culture is so uncomfortable with sex, we want to be swept away by desire.  It can feel very uncomfortable to choose sex consciously, deliberately and mindfully.  It can seem silly to schedule time for sex. But if we want to come alive to our erotic potential, both individually and in relationships, we need to cultivate sexual energy.  This means giving sexual feeling time, attention, and approval.

    We can experiment with techniques and approaches for having “warm sex.”  Instead of looking or waiting for focused intensity, practitioners of warm sex cultivate calmer experiences of pleasure.  Playful fun, sensuality and affection can create an erotic playground that is joyful in itself, while holding space where hot passion can occasionally flourish.

    What do you need to say “yes” to sex?  Couples can get into soul-draining patterns where one person is always the initiator of sexual interactions and the other experiences sex as a demand placed upon them.  Others feel they must wait to heal their relationship issues before they can say “yes” to sex, loading erotic pleasure with a requirement for tender feelings that may be in short supply in the absence of sex.  Why not experiment with expressing a range of emotions sexually: anger, frolic, naughtiness, mindlessness?  We can play doctor, play dominatrix, have sex in a car, have a wild affair with our spouse.

    When couples choose to explore the path of pleasure, learning and conscious sexuality, an astonishing richness becomes possible.  We can share profound bonding, ecstatic awareness, and infinite variety within a single relationship.