Tag: Lesbian

  • What can parents do when they first find out their child is gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender?

    What can parents do when they first find out their child is gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender?

    Have a question on your mind about sex or seeking advice? Ask us on any topic and we’ll provide you with the answers from an expert. Send them in to editorial@simplysxy.com

    We have collected your questions on the topic of LGBTQ, and are delighted to have Arielle Scarcella to answer them below.

    What are the different stages in coming out?

    Coming out stages varies for everyone. For some, it’s all about telling people one by one. For others it might be making a YouTube video. Everyone’s experience is very different.

    What can parents do when they first find out their child is gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender?

    They can contact an LGBT center, call up a hotline for tips, watch LGBT YouTubers and learn and simply but most important, talk to their child about it!

    Do lesbian couples always reflect a butch-femme relationship?

    Lesbians come in all shapes, colors, sizes and gender roles. Some butch women like other butch women. Some femmes like other femmes. And some are more like a traditional heterosexual relationship. All are OK.

    What are the types of lesbians?

    Butch, femme, tomboy, andro (Shane type) femme artsy, And everyone else in between.


     

    Hi, Girlfriends and Boyfriends! I’m Arielle! I’m the best friend you’ve always wanted. I share crazy experiences / advice on dating, LGBT issues, relationships and sex. I’m a big lesbian.

    Featured image courtesy of Arielle Scarcella
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  • Where do we go from here?

    Where do we go from here?

    No, this is not merely a reference to the Buffy the Vampire Slayer musical – it is a question that has been bubbling under the surface of the gay and lesbian community, to varying degrees, for quite some time now.

    Same-sex marriage has become almost an inevitability across the Western world. Horrified to learn that Australia is now behind even Texas in affording gay and lesbian people the right to marry, I was recently bouyed by an article suggesting that health care was the next frontier in the fight for queer equality. It would seem to me that, once our community overcomes the marriage barrier we have been banging our heads against for the better part of half a century, we must open ourselves up to a much larger, more diverse, but infinitely more complex set of issues to overcome.

    I use the term ‘gay and lesbian community’ above intentionally, because these are the people who inherently frame where the debate goes from here. Having all but entirely succeeded in securing the right to marry, we are faced with either resigning ourselves to the white picket fences of our matrimonial dreams or continuing to stand up to queerphobia in every facet of society. Many, I would argue, will see no need to keep rallying, writing letters, picketing homophobes (indeed, some do not see even the need right now). Many will think that equality has been achieved, and that queerphobia is all but dead in the dust as the last vestiges of the older, conservative, bigoted generation slowly fade. This, unfortunately, is very far from reality.

    Trans people have known where we should be heading for a while now. In a time when there have been eight reported murders of transgender women in the US alone so far this year (and it is only February); when the suicide of a trans teenager highlights the crucial need for education, parental acceptance, and access to physical and mental health services; when studies find that between 40 to 50 percent of trans people will attempt suicide (14 times higher than their cisgender counterparts); when over 80 percent of transgender youth report being bullied at school. We cannot ignore that queer youth – trans in particular – are being oppressed to the point of illness and death for not conforming to social ideas about gender, and what it means to be a ‘real’ man or woman. We simply cannot erase the fact that this is the same kind of queerphobia that gay and lesbian people have faced for a long time, merely in a different form.

    That is only one tip of one iceberg. Queer refugees across the globe are fleeing torture, corrective rape, and execution. This, in the face of countries such as Australia testing the ‘gayness’ of refugees by asking them about their promiscuity or gauging their knowledge of cultural tropes like Madonna, Oscar Wilde, and Bette Midler; or Germany reportedly advising refugees that Uganda (home of the ‘Kill the Gays’ legislation) is a safe place to live for queer people; or the United States deporting a queer refugee, who was then tortured and executed in a Honduran prison. We cannot ignore the fact that we live in a very ‘privileged’ society – one that does not condone our torture, rape, or execution based solely on our gender or sexuality. We owe it to queer refugees to, funnily enough, provide refuge from that level of violent, lethal queerphobia.

    As a community, our fight extends beyond the white picket fence. Our straight allies have stood with us in the long, arduous battle to gain rights, whether they be to marry, to adopt, to surrogacy, wills and estates, powers of attorney, or to be free from discrimination in the workplace and the schoolyard. Now, it is our turn – our duty, really – to show that same level of allyship to those in our own community that are facing some of the most abhorrent forms of queerphobic oppression. Oppression that is resulting in their deaths by the droves.


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  • Choice or fundamental standards of decency?

    Choice or fundamental standards of decency?

    This particular news (Outrage after lesbian woman’s funeral was cancelled just 15 minutes before service – because pastor objected to memorial video of her kissing her wife) has gone viral over Facebook and the web generally. It raises interesting views over LGBTQ ‘choice’ and religion, a hotly contested topic. The debate is often centered around homosexuality being a choice and a lifestyle supported by big-name celebrities like Lady Gaga and Cory Monteith (RIP). The debate is further complicated by association with a dominant LGBTQ agenda, gay marriage. This particular newsbyte is a nexus of the above issues.

    It may be argued that many countries protect the rights of individuals to exercise free choice. It is said that just as many of our LGBTQ brethren live in a world where their ‘choice’ is supported, the choice of other people like Pastors Gary Rolando and Ray Chavez not to service LGBTQ families because of their religious beliefs should also be respected. To illustrate the context of this article, some followers of some religions, including Christianity, interpret religious teachings to say that homosexuality is unnatural or violates those teachings in some way. This has presumably caused Pastor Rolando to reach his view.

    It is not the intention of this post to enter into the LGBTQ ‘choice’ vs ‘nature’ debate. That debate has gone on for many years with proponents on both sides and is too lengthy to fairly deal with here. I, personally take the stand that LGBTQ is entirely natural. Of course, I am a Western educated, LGBTQ lawyer with my own preconceptions. My reflections below should be taken in that context.

    Free choice is a funny thing. It is a double-edged sword in which it can be empowering and yet dis-empowering at the same time. It can empower LGBTQ rights activists to fight for the choice to love and marry. It can simultaneously take away the rights of our LGBTQ brethren by saying, well no, your sexuality is a ‘choice’ therefore you have to bear the consequences of that ‘choice’, namely abuse and rejection by your family, friends and even third parties at your own funeral. What happens if your ‘choice’ to be LGBTQ clashes with a fundamental cornerstone of society, religion, who for many involves a ‘choice’ to subscribe, as is the case here?  With respect to this article, I would say if you truly respect a person’s free ‘choice’, you do not impose or impact on someone’s basic right to have a simple funeral. The Pastors were not asked to approve the LGBTQ couple’s choice to marry or have children. The Pastors were also not asked to make a theological stand whether LGBTQ ‘lifestyles’ should be recognised. The Pastors were asked to preside over a ceremony to celebrate a life unfortunately cut short. The family was grieving here over the loss of a wife and a mother. I would say that LGBTQ debates aside, there are fundamental rights of respect, decency and sanctity associated with the death of a human being that are cherished by most societies. This was denied to Ms Vanessa Collier.

    You could also suggest that Pastors are held to a particular higher standard in the community. They are respected as spiritual leaders whom the community looks to for guidance in yes, spiritual and theological matters relevant to their respective religions, but also in fundamental rights of respect, love, decency and sanctity. Even if a Pastor disagreed with a particular ‘choice’, he/she would be more respected if he/she was seen to uphold these fundamental rights, despite his/her own personal views.

    But, no, the Church here did not refuse the funeral completely, at least initially. They only requested that the video of the deceased and her wife kissing be removed. That’s reasonable, right?

    In my view, this is splitting hairs. How can a funeral be conducted without a memorial of a person’s life, however they ‘chose’ to live it? This seems to be a case of imposing one ‘choice’ over another ‘choice’, over a circumstance where both sides should bring their defences down temporarily in furtherance of higher purposes of love, respect, decency and sanctity.

    Thoughts?


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  • Challenges of a trans-lesbian

    Challenges of a trans-lesbian

    For lesbian, dyke, or queer-identified transgender women, most of us have had the most difficult time with acceptance. That is, accepting ourselves, having other women accept us, being accepted in women’s community, and desiring each other as women.

    When I came out as a trans woman, I was able to find that courage after years and years of shame. I thought I’d never become an “acceptable” woman – one who wanted to wear high heels, grow out her hair, “pass,” and be desirable to women. As I grew up and found myself as a feminist, I tried to reject these presumptions and stereotypes about trans women. At the same time, I found myself shameful about “wanting to be” a woman (even though I already was deep down inside). It was only when I saw different trans women in porn, trans women who fucked and loved other women, that I was able to say, “Holy crap, that’s totally me, and I can totally do this.”

    In a short time, I turned to sex work, as many trans women have done, partially for money reasons, but mostly because it worked for me and I wanted to do it. I continued to find myself as a kinky, queer woman through dominatrix work, and independently produced porn. While sex workers are painted as victims by society, I’ve found this mostly to be completely untrue. I’ve found it, like everything in life, to be much more complicated.

    My experience of being a trans dyke, and my relative privileges, has made me consider engaging in sex work that is most gratifying for me. When I, fortunately, came into some money, I wanted to invest that in producing great porn featuring non-straight trans women. So I came up with TransLesbians.com.

    While it’s generally unknown how many trans women identify as straight, bisexual, lesbian, or queer in the U.S., my experience working and meeting other trans women has proved that we have a very wide variety of sexual orientations. Anecdotally, I’ve known most trans women to be non-straight — and this applies to those of all different types of race and other backgrounds. Perhaps one of the most comprehensive and recent surveys by the National Gay & Lesbian Task Force agrees with this evidence.

    My sex work, and more specifically my porn, has attempted to show lesbian or non-straight trans women as authentic and complicated people with just as varied sexualities as cisgender women. When creating TransLesbians, my goals sound deceptively simple:

    1. Showcase really hot, nasty gonzo-style porn between trans and cisgender women without using the terms “tranny” or “shemale.”
    2. Capture real attraction and sizzling chemistry.
    3. Hire an all-trans women staff for support behind the camera.
    4. Provide a safe, comfortable, and responsible workplace.
    5. Pay performers as close to industry-standard rate as possible, and try to create a sustainable income for non-straight trans women sex workers.

    Undoubtedly, the challenges faced by lesbian and queer-identified trans women are as deep and complicated as how one experiences their identity. My unending hope is to create, first and foremost, a positive experience of trans women, and that this will inspire many more of us to find ourselves and embrace each other as women.


    Image courtesy of Emma Claire
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  • If you are Homophobe, can I call you Gay?

    If you are Homophobe, can I call you Gay?

    Let us imagine a person being born, ages and chooses to and die in, let’s say, Jakarta. For me, this automatically brings up the question of how the system of alternative moral is fabricated because it is in itself, a complicated process as there exists conflicting morals. That’s why an individual who deviates from a rule agreed on by a group is considered an outsider as stated by Howard Becker and when he/she violates the existing norms, he/she is considered a deviant and hence, regarded as a foreigner in the group.

    Being an outsider is a result of normalised norms. Let’s put the norm as a simple definition as a set of regulations established within the community. Hence, in every interaction, we are bound to find some indications of norms in it. But the norm is not “given”. In a world filled with social constructions, the norm then becomes a social construction that is produced from the interactions between human beings which eventually ends up as a moral as these are furthered reinforced. This is prevalent in the instance of LGBTs who are subjected to an established norm that essentially discriminates them as the outsider. For example, the norm of the accepted sexual relation is only between men and women; due to the ability of this union for procreation, while gays, lesbians and transgenders are considered unacceptable and deviant sexual relations because these only exist for the sake of recreation.

    “The sodomite had been a temporary aberration; the homosexual was now a species,” as famously said by the French philosopher, Michael Foucault. This means that the strong regulation about relations of this nature is constructed by the community and helped by the institution and religion. LGBTs in Indonesia are of course, living in a homophobic society.

    Homophobia is generally described as a hostile or feared outlook on one’s sexual orientation due to the other male or female being attracted to one of the same sex and the term attributed to such attitude has been re-coined on several instances: Homosexphobia in 1974, Homosexism in 1976, and Homonegativism in 1980 before the now commonly used Homophobia. In today’s context, homophobia is the fear of the feminine qualities in a man, hence it reinforces some stigmatizations of homosexuals in a heterosexual world. Why the immense negative stigma associated with the term homosexual?

    Historically, under the ancien regime, sodomy was prohibited for religious reasons. It’s called the “silent sin” or “abominable vice”. A sodomy referred to a series of sexual acts considered sins, which included masturbation, oral sex, anal sex, bestiality; in a word, all sexual practices that do not have the goal of procreation. Due to misinterpretation of sodomy being “against nature”, the word “homosexual” thus has a rather negative connotation; in both medical and pathology. Many of the LGBT groups are strongly rejecting the word “homosexual” although the Psychiatric Association of the United States has removed “homosexuality” from its list of mental illnesses in 1973. This was subsequently followed by the World Health Organisation in 1993 and also by the Japanese and Chinese Psychiatric Association in 1995 and 2001.

    If you are a homophobe, do you mind if I change the term to gay?

    The story began with the great gay liberation which took place beginning from the 60’s. The catalyst was a gay confrontation with the police in Christopher Street in Greenwich Village, New York, June 1969. Thereafter, the use of the term “gay” begun. The adoption of this term, served to at least remove the term “homosexuality” as a medical term, and at the same time indicate a more neutral tone and has a connotation of “pride”. But etymologically, what is “gay” exactly?

    “Gay” is a term that describes same-sex attractions felt by both men and women; however some women prefer the term lesbian. The word “gay” first crossed the gender/sex threshold in England during the 16th century, when it was applied to male actors who were cast into female character roles. During the 19th century, Europeans associated the term with heterosexual promiscuity; however it did not cross into sexually diverse communities until much later. As such, “gay” projected an impression of perversity. In the early 20th century, American men and women experiencing same-sex attractions became the first to identify themselves as “gay”, preferring it to the word “homosexual”, a term used primarily by mental health professionals.

    Thus being gay is a matter of being comfortable with oneself; emotionally and physically, as opposed to the term “homosexual” which was considered merely physical. In this case, the term “gay” and “homosexual” are differentiated between sexuality as a practice and as a way of life. Being “gay” is about having a commitment to one’s identity, as in “I’m gay”, “This is who I am” and “This is what I label myself”.

    In the academic world, at present, there appears the study of gay and lesbian, which is dedicated to a study of gay and lesbian, in particular to its history, its nature or sociological evolvement.

    In Indonesia, an attempt to neutralize this term has not yet been extended to the public. As it remains limited to academicians working in the field of LGBT, Sexuality and gender, and language specialist or linguist working in the areas of LGBT literature. Unfortunately, there are still many countries that question the term “gay” as it not only sounds pompous but also creates a certain minority group in society’s structure of hierarchy.

    Thus from the evolvement of the term “homosexual” to “gay” and eventually “queer”, what can we do to give the peoples of LGBT freedom of speech in all aspects? What should they do next?


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  • Lesbian Porn vs. Gay Porn

    Lesbian Porn vs. Gay Porn

    Lesbian porn and gay porn: At first glance, seemed to look like different sides of the same coin. However, it is very difficult to place them into the proverbial box.

    Firstly, lesbian porn is not designed for lesbians. It is designed in the imagery of the heterosexual male’s fantasy. Most sexual positions that are seen in these movies are targeted to arouse men. Take for example the scissors position; it is a very awkward position for women to have their legs and groin in such a pose. It is a pose that takes a lot of effort but with very little returns. However, there is no doubt that the pose is visually stunning on camera.

    Heterosexual men do not have a clear understand on how orgasm in women occurs. Many still have the perception that orgasm only occurs when penetration happens. This is not true. Dr. William Masters, a pioneer in the nature of human sexual response published a paper on this topic in 1966. Dr. Masters found that a clitoral orgasm shows the same sexual response as a vaginal orgasm. If such information has been around for decades, why then is our society still clueless when it comes to matters in bed?

    On the other side of the coin, anal sex or any form of male submission in gay porn is a turn off for heterosexual men. Most straight people have the notion that anal sex is the main sexual satisfaction that gay men are looking for. However, not all gay men want anal sex. There are many gay men that choose to abstain from anal sex but yet have very healthy sexual relationships with their partners. Penetration is not the only way to receive emotional and sexual satisfaction. Like any relationship, one must take the time to find out what sexually stimulates your partner.

    Gay porn is very much interwoven in a gay man’s life; much like heterosexual porn to straight men. Most porn stars have become a household name. If you mention names like Peter Fever and Johnny Rapid, you will definitely strike a chord with a gay man. Last year, there was a great loss in the gay porn industry as well as in the gay community. Koh Masaki, a famous gay porn star died at the age of 29. His death was sudden and tragic. Koh Masaki has starred in over a hundred gay porn films and is known for his good looks, masculinity and passion on scene. He brought joy and comfort to many gay men. Upon his death, millions all of around the world went into mourning together with his partner and his family.

    Porn has many sides and many faces. It has different meanings to different people. Porn is also a heightened version of society’s sexual needs. However, the lack of dialog for such taboo conversations prevents us from having a deeper understanding of the complexity of the human sexual experience. If such open dialog takes place, it can help many understand that homosexual porn is far too dynamic to be stereotyped as different sides of the same coin.

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