SimplySxy

Tag: Elizabeth Watt

  • Celebrity Scandal, Nude Photos, and the Perpetuation of Rape Culture

    Celebrity Scandal, Nude Photos, and the Perpetuation of Rape Culture

    By now, most people have heard/read about/possibly gotten over the whole nude photo scandal that occurred when an anonymous website user gained access to and posted numerous personal photos of several female celebrities including Jennifer Lawrence, Kate Upton, and Ariana Grande in various stages of nudity. Whether or not you care about celebrity news or are a fan of one of the victims, this is a worthwhile situation to think about and discuss. Taking and posing for sexy nude photos should be something a woman can do without risk or fear of people other than the intended audience seeing them because stealing these images from their owners is a crime and publishing them on the Internet without consent is a gross violation and should be viewed as sexual assault and anyone who subsequently distributes and promotes the publicity of these photos is participating in that sexual assault. Any one who thinks it is “not that big of a deal,” rolls their eyes, and comments that the women in these photos should not care or should even embrace the fact that the entire world can now view their naked bodies and use the images as they like is contributing to the ever-pervasive and destructive rape culture that has become engrained into our society.

    The point that needs to be made clear here, is that this is an issue of consent. Women who take and pose for nude photos with the intention and permission given for distribution on the Internet are within their rights to do that. The situation with these celebrity photos is very different. These women were not posing for photos to be shared with the public. These were not nude scenes shot for a film or a magazine spread. These were intimate, vulnerable moments that were meant for personal use. Their consent was not given. What this anonymous hacker did was steal their personal property, commit an act of sexual assault, and then invited others to share in the violation.

    Jennifer Lawrence’s photos have been discussed the most due to her current reign as Hollywood’s “It girl.” Many people, including self-proclaimed devoted fans of Lawrence are saying that she should “own it” or even laugh it off in her typical “I don’t give a f*ck, things aren’t that serious” Jennifer Lawrence way. Why would she be upset that millions of people are getting enjoyment out of viewing her naked body? Don’t she and all other celebrities WANT that kind of attention? If she didn’t think there would be a chance the public would see these photos why would she take them? In fact, GQ (a predominately male-intended and male-viewed magazine) has chosen Kim Kardashian as its “Woman of the Year,” an honor that includes a nude photo spread in the magazine. So, if we “honor” a woman by having her pose nude in sexually enticing positions, then it must be completely acceptable for us to want to see photos like this of other female celebrities, right? No big deal. Lawrence and those other women should get over it. IT’S AN HONOR to have your naked body on display so people can enjoy it.

    These responses, my friends, are a part of rape culture. “They should have expected the photos to be leaked when they posed for them” can be equated to “She should have expected to be sexually assaulted when she decided to wear that skirt.” And “Lawrence should laugh this off” equates to “You know she probably enjoyed it/wanted it/likes the attention” after a woman is sexually assaulted. And just as some people want to help prevent women and girls from being raped by teaching them self-defense, telling them not to walk alone, etc., so to is the initial response of “don’t take these kinds of photos” or “be more careful with where they are stored.” It’s victim blaming. While both sets of advice may intend to help the individual avoid situations should a crime occur, it ignores the perpetrator and what should be done to prevent THEM. We need to address the issue of privacy and safety at hand and focus on the criminal act that occurred. We need to stop shrugging off the fact that these women were violated and rightly deserve to be angry/hurt/however they genuinely feel. We need to stop acting entitled to tell them how they should feel or act as a victim of such a crime. And we need to teach children/young people/adults –both men and women–that this was an act of sexual assault and is WRONG. The answer is not to stop taking sexy photos. Just as the answer to preventing rape is not for women to stop wearing skirts.

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  • Distance Makes the Heart (and Other Things) Grow Fonder

    Distance Makes the Heart (and Other Things) Grow Fonder

    We are often taught that being in a long-term, committed relationship requires giving all of yourself to another person— sharing every deep secret, vulnerability, and insecurity with another in order to build trust and most importantly, intimacy. And while this type of emotional closeness cultivates security and lasting love, it also correlates with another staple of long-term romantic relationships … the decline of sexual desire.

    Ask any couple’s therapist or sex therapist what is the most common problem their clients present to them and they will almost always give you some version of “we aren’t having enough sex” or “he/she doesn’t seem to want sex anymore.” Having less sex as time passes in a relationship or the dwindling of that initial passion felt during sex is very common. This is usually attributed to “the novelty effect” wearing off or being stuck in a routine. Of course there are other reasons for a decline in sex—health issues, infidelity, and trauma to name a few—but another more pervasive and encompassing issue is the enmeshment and dependency that occurs when we share everything with our partner. Hobbies, favorite foods, books, and social activities often naturally become a “shared experience” or something that “we” do instead of something that “I” do or “he/she does.” Many times our partner is the first or only person we come to with problems about work or with our families. We start to feel that it is not only natural, but necessary to unload all of our worries and concerns onto our partner because this brings us closer, sharing every thought and emotion we may have.

    Esther Perel, a psychotherapist, speaker and author of the book “Mating In Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence” theorizes that our natural human need for security and stability in relationships is at direct opposition to our equally important need for adventure, novelty, and discovery. What ends up happening in long-term couples, she says, is the tendency to get “too close” to our partner, making it impossible for that newness and excitement to exist. This makes the passion and desire that fuel satisfying and pleasurable sex difficult to (pardon the pun) come by.

    Perel emphasizes the importance of “the space between self and other” when considering how to reignite or maintain desire in a long-term relationship. In a recent article on “reigniting your love life,” she suggests viewing your partner as if “he or she is only on loan, with an option to renew.” Recognizing your partner as an autonomous, independent person with inner thoughts, past experiences, and fantasies that you are not privy to will result for most people in a new found curiosity about your partner. Being curious perpetuates interest and the realization that regardless of how long you have been together, there are still parts of this other person you have yet to discover. Recognizing your partner as separate from yourself creates distance and therefore room for desire to grow.

    Spending time apart by engaging in different extracurricular activities or taking a trip without the other is one way to create actual physical space (thus the idiom “absence makes the heart grow fonder”), but creating emotional space can be just as important. Balancing or limiting how often you go to your partner to “vent” about work or family issues by talking to friends or mentors instead or engaging in new behaviors to cope with everyday stress like exercise or journaling are helpful. Resisting the urge to pry for details about your partner’s exes, their family drama, or other past experiences and trying to be content with the fact that if something is important, your partner will share it with you is also worthwhile. Sometimes, simply taking a moment and remembering what it was like when you and your partner first met and identifying what drew you to them, emotionally and sexually, can ignite feelings of longing. Think about that first month when so much was unknown and how their smile, the way they smelled, and the thought of seeing them again caused that little flip in your stomach. Remember that feeling and those memories the next time you are with your partner and see what happens …

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  • Hey Honey, Let’s Talk About Porn.

    Hey Honey, Let’s Talk About Porn.

    As has been discussed before on this site, a lot of people watch porn. Specifically, a lot of people watch porn by themselves. Porn consumption is generally a private practice, one that is not usually discussed with other people—even (or maybe especially not with) our significant others.

    Searching online, you will find a lot of commentary from relationship experts arguing about whether the use of pornography is good or bad for a relationship.  Some argue that it can create distrust and insecurity in a relationship while others suggest that it can help build intimacy and “spice up” a couple’s sex life.  I would argue that whatever your personal porn habits are, it is worthwhile to have an open, honest conversation about it with your partner (or partners) as a way to communicate your fantasies and curiosities as well as your concerns and insecurities.

    One commonly held belief that often causes discord in couples concerning porn is that “what my partner watches in porn is what they want in real life.”  This is absolutely not the case.  Sure, a person may see something in porn that they want to try or they may search for something that they fantasize about doing in real life, but just because they are sexually aroused by an image or scene does not mean they desire to act it out.  For example, some straight women like to watch lesbian porn but have little or no desire to be with a woman in real life.  Similarly, straight men may watch gay male fellatio porn but have no desire to re-enact that situation.  This is difficult for people (especially partners of the person watching the porn) to accept or understand.  But sexual arousal is complex and what we fantasize about, what we masturbate to, and what we desire in real life with a partner are often different.

    Many people who have had only limited exposure to porn tend to think that all of it features unrealistic acts or exaggerated bodies with silicone and fake tans galore.  And while there is a ton of that out there, a lot of porn produced today features different body types, ethnicities, ages, genders, and pairings of sexual partners.  There has also been a huge rise in “amateur porn”, or porn that is uploaded to the Internet by “regular people” who look like you and me.  In fact, Cindy Gallop, an entrepreneur, consultant and speaker, created a website called MakeLoveNotPorn.com that hosts amateur porn video submissions.  This is a great resource for individuals and couples who may find the aforementioned “traditional porn” intimidating or unappealing.  Additionally, this new era of porn does not only feature man/woman, woman/woman, and man/man run-of-the-mill sex.  Fetish sites and speciality porn are also accessible by searching for literally any type of porn you can think of in Google search.  The Center for Sexual Health and Pleasure’s website where Clinical Sexologist and AASECT certified Sexuality Educator Megan Andelloux answers the question, “Where Do I Find Ethical Porn?” is another avenue for finding particular sites and to learn about how to search for “ethically-made porn,” or porn that is made, produced, and marketed with transparency of who benefits from any revenue that results in its distribution and which employs willing, informed performers who are treated ethically (definitions of “ethical porn” vary, but this is my understanding of what it should entail).

    All of that said, pornography use does not interest everyone.  Some people are adamantly against it; whether because of the traditionally misogynistic practices and content of some parts of the industry or their own moral beliefs regarding sex and masturbation, and some people prefer other methods of sexual stimulation.  In the context of a relationship, it is important to respect your partner’s preference and maintain an open dialogue with compromise and negotiation when needed.  The necessary step is to have the conversation.

    Some people would like to watch porn with their partner, but are nervous to bring it up.  Some prefer to keep their porn-watching a solo activity, but might be curious about what their partner is watching.  Either way, having an open, honest conversation about porn is not easy for many people.  It requires being vulnerable and open to judgement by discussing and admitting to certain sexual turn-ons and practices that may have not come up before in the relationship.  For example, in a male-female relationship, the female might assume her male partner has watched or currently watches porn because it is generally accepted that men watch porn, but may be nervous to talk about her own porn habits for fear of how she might be viewed.  The male partner might be interested in watching porn with his female partner, but doesn’t want her to think he prefers porn to having sex with her and so avoids the conversation all together.  There is a common belief that women do not like or watch porn and men who watch porn are sexually unsatisfied or have some kind of addiction.  This is why it is important to initiate a conversation with honesty, but to also remain curious and non-judgemental so each partner can feel more comfortable disclosing the truth about their porn habits.  While the first couple of conversations might feel awkward, embracing the topic can lead to better understanding and increased intimacy.  Once these conversations become more comfortable, a couple may decide they want to watch porn together, which, for some couples, can open up a new and exciting avenue for intimacy and sexual exploration.

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