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Tag: communication

  • How Does Open Communication Lead To Better Sex?

    How Does Open Communication Lead To Better Sex?

    Well apart from loving it, I think sex is a really powerful way to explore different aspects of our identity. I think sex is as varied as music is and it can mean something different every time we choose to participate. Sometimes it is fun and silly, sometimes it is intense and passionate, sometimes it is hot, dark, pounding and sweaty and sometimes, it’s deeply intimate or romantic.

    I wish that sex and sexuality wasn’t as stigmatized and that more people felt comfortable to express and explore their sexuality, fantasies and desires without being burdened by feelings of shame.

    The Importance Of Communication

    Communication is soooo important and hugely underrated! Working towards feeling comfortable enough to express what you want in the bedroom is a huge step to opening up your sexual encounters and experiences. The most important part of communication is learning how to listen and respond! After all is there anything hotter than when you really start listening to the breathing and moans of someone else in bed and responding accordingly?

    As someone who has lots of sex with different people, it has taught me how different everyone’s bodies are! Without open communication, how can we expect our bedfellows to know exactly what feels good! So, create a space where honest dialogue is encouraged but also listen out for those non-verbal cues that come with slowing things down, speeding them up to try to lock into you playmates reactions. I think we can all learn more from the BDSM community and the conversations they engage in before any type of play. To see where each other’s head is at that day and what sorts of things they would like to explore!

    If you are wanting things to get a little bit kinky in your sex life, there are a few things you can do to help move things along. 1) Be brave – If you are brave enough to share your desires with a lover/play pal, it will give them permission to do the same. 2) Timing – Bring things up at a time which is relaxed and intimate but not sexual – this will give them time to think about things and not feel pressured or tricked into something. 3) Be ready to take no for an answer. Sex is only fun when both parties are actively enthusiastically consenting. It is also ok to try things and decide they are not for us! That doesn’t mean we are boring or vanilla.

    Why I’m An Ideal Companion To Be With

    I think it is my natural curiosity about people and my love for learning from varied perspectives of the world. I am a really empathetic and optimistic person so it is really easy for me to find qualities I find attractive in people and am able to form connections quickly.  There is something I can find to admire in almost anyone so my warmth and interest is always genuine. I think *hope* my dates can sense that.

    I am also intelligent and articulate and can seamlessly fit into most environments. Intimacy, friendship, desire and human touch are a hugely important part of the human experience and I feel really thankful that I get to engage in such an important and intimate time with so many people. I spend a lot of time listening and learning about people’s lives.  I also think I know how to keep things light hearted and fun.

    Reasons For Seeking Companionship

    Firstly, I want to clarify that it is not JUST men who seek companionship. But it does form a large majority. As humans, I think at our core we all really just want connection both emotionally and physically. Physical touch can make us feel so alive and cared for. There are so many different reasons someone would seek a companion to spend time with.

    Lot’s of people are too busy to maintain a relationship, are working through different elements of their sexuality, want to lose their virginity in a safe space or haven’t had the opportunity to engage with someone physically in a while.  Also, I think there is something really great about how defined the time spent with a companion is.

    There are clear boundaries I expect to be respected from my dates around emotions, time and physical elements. This brings a real sense of clarity to the time we spend together and creates an environment which I think tends to bring out the best version of most people. They also know that I am not going to judge them for their bodies or desires so it can be a space that is free of any insecurities around their bodies or sexuality that they may be holding.

    Ways To Engage Someone Who Is Shy

    Finding joy in all aspects of my life is something I really strive for. I try to make my interactions playful and no pressure. Although I am long-legged with a cute butt, I am also really clumsy and an enormous dork. I honestly really just believe that bodies are bodies. Sometimes in sex, things make funny noises, or I fall over when I take off my underwear, or one of us burps. I like to meet my dates as a human first and a fantasy second.

    Which is a relief because it takes the pressure off both of us that we have to “perform” and we can just enjoy each others’ company. Although having said, that I think I give a pretty mean blowjob as well which can’t hurt someone’s nerves.

     I also really try to gauge both in the lead up to meeting and the first part of our date what sort of experience they are after and then focus on that.

    My Ideal Date & Expectations

    My ideal dates are always longer bookings so we really have time to get to know each other. I would love to meet first over a bottle of wine and some delicious food. Somewhere cosy and atmospheric. Increasingly stealing excuses to brush each other’s bodies throughout the meal in a slow lead up to spending some alone time together. I have never been on a holiday for a booking and I hope that someone decides to whisk me away to a tropical island or cosy cabin at some point!

    I would expect my dates to be polite and respectful from the very first message or email interaction until the end of our time together. Because I have a full time civilian job, I only see a handful of people and am very selective about who I will meet. I don’t think people realise how many messages companions can receive and how quickly we will make our judgements around if we want to spend time with someone.

    Also, hygiene. We make the effort to look our best for you and it is always appreciated when people do the same. Also, again, for the people up the back. Hygiene.

    Charlie Grace – My name is Charlie Grace and I am an Australian touring companion. I offer an amazing Girl Friend Experience and pride myself on always being articulate, intelligent with a down-to-earth warmth during my encounters. I’m always excited to hear from prospective dates around Australia and only engage with people who are polite, respectful and treat me like a human from the first time they message me. When I’m not working my civilian job or having exciting encounters I’m either out in nature or at an art gallery. 

    Follow Charlie Grace on

    Twitter: @CharlieGraceXOX

    Scarlet Blue: https://scarletblue.com.au/escort/charlie-grace/charlie-grace-touring?city=Sydney

    Dakota Dice: https://dakotadice.com.au/escort/charlie-grace

    Article images courtesy of Charlie Grace

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  • When Good Intentions meet Bad Behaviour

    When Good Intentions meet Bad Behaviour

    I recently posted Learning to Ask on Fetlife (one of the most widely-used social networking sites for the S&M scene), and it quickly received a lot of comments. Many of the folks who responded shared that they face a lot of challenges with asking for what they want, or that it took them plenty of practice to figure out how to do it. It seems really relevant to me that so many people who engage in kink struggle with asking, given the importance it has for managing physical, emotional, and sexual safety. Of course, it’s an valuable skill in any erotic context, but it’s even more important when you’re playing on the edges.

    There’s a lot that could be said about the comments the post received (and if you’re on Fetlife, you can read them here) but there’s one that I received over email that caught my attention.

    How do turn my history of confusion over “bad behavior combined with good intent” into a skill for identifying and dealing with people who don’t know that they have bad behavior?

    There are a few different threads to untangle here, but here’s my take on it.

    Bringing our actions and intentions into alignment is one of those never-ending practices. No matter how well I, you, or anyone else can do it, there’s are going to be times when there’s a gap between them. Given that, we need to know how to respond when that gap is brought to our attention.

    When someone tells me that my actions and intentions aren’t in alignment, or if they tell me that I’ve done something  that caused them pain and/or difficulty, I try to make the first thing out of my mouth “thank you for telling me.” I know that it can be a really difficult thing to call someone out and I find that thanking them for it helps me keep from going into a defensive reaction. I might not agree with what they say, or there might be a misunderstanding, or they might be 100% right. It doesn’t matter- I thank them for telling me.

    So one thing I would ask you about the hypothetical person X with good intentions and bad behavior is: how do they respond when you bring such things to their attention. Do they take it seriously? Do they try to hear what you’re saying? Do they brush it off or deny your truth? Do they tell you that you’re crazy or wrong? Or do they ask questions to try to understand your perspective?

    If they are able to receive your words, what do they do? Are they able to apologize? Do they understand how to make amends? Can they talk with you about what they can do to bring their actions into alignment with their intentions? Can they commit to a plan? And are they open to receiving feedback in order to continue improving?

    If they can do all of that, then they are backing up their good intentions and that’s a good thing. But if they can’t or won’t, then I don’t think their intentions are good enough. I don’t usually use phrases like “good enough,” but I think it’s fitting here because their intentions aren’t enough to motivate positive changes.

    Of course, it’s not easy to be called out. It can bring up a lot of shame, which is one reason I say that if you want to understand relationships, you need to understand shame. Building shame resilience makes it less difficult to receive feedback. Being able to say “I’m having a shame reaction,” rather than falling into a shame spiral, isn’t easy. Shame spirals often compel us to attack the person who calls us out, act like they’re wrong or crazy as a way of dodging responsibility, silence them as a way of avoiding the difficult feelings, or jump to apologize so we don’t have to hear them tell us what we did wrong. Someone can have good intentions that get overwhelmed by a shame reaction. And unfortunately, the abusers and the predators often use tactics that look very similar to genuine defense reactions because they work. One key difference is that abusers and predators will often use silence, secrecy, and isolation to protect themselves.

    Some other questions that I think worth considering are: how do you respond when those situations happen? And what do you do to take care of yourself and your needs, to address the situation, and to move forward? If it’s an ongoing pattern in your life, it might be worth looking at what you do in those situations. Reflecting on that might provide useful information about these dynamics so you can change how you respond to them.

    Along those lines, are there patterns in how these situations play out? For example, do you find yourself in similar situations over and over, whether with the same person or with different people? Is there a cycle happening here? And if there is, where is there room to break the cycle?

    This seems really important to me because there are a lot of people who excuse bad behavior by saying that the person who did it didn’t realize that they were doing it. It’s a way of avoiding the hard task of calling them out and dealing with the consequences that can have for our relationships and our communities. It keeps us trapped in unchanging cycles of abuse, and it needs to change.

    Something that helped me shift my thinking around it was having someone point out to me that malice isn’t required for abuse to happen. Sure, some people are certainly malicious. And many others are acting out of pain, or habit, or training, or lack of positive role models, or a history of trauma and abuse. They might be trying to protect themselves from situations that feel scary or threatening to them. They might be acting in response to being triggered. All of that can be real without changing the fact that their actions are abusive. Once I realized that, I stopped making excuses for people who seemed to be reacting to their pain. My strategies for responding to them might be different than what I would do in response to malice, but I don’t let it keep me from speaking up anymore.

    Because here’s what it all boils down to. If someone is causing problems and genuinely doesn’t realize it, then telling them about it is the only way they can change. If they genuinely have good intentions, then as hard as it can be, they will want to know so they can adjust accordingly. In that case, there’s no reason to not tell them. And if their intentions aren’t good, then telling them and seeing how they respond lets you know that. In those situations, you don’t need to excuse their behavior because they don’t actually mean well. Either way, it’s a net gain for you. And depending on the details, it might be a net gain for the people around you and your community.

     

    This article has been republished with permission from Charlie Glickman. Visit his webpage to read more of his pieces here.

    Feature image courtesy of Shutterstock
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  • Honey, I am HIV Positive

    Honey, I am HIV Positive

    Today, we talk about the subject of disclosing one’s HIV status. Many have already done so since HIV has been around since 1979 or so, when it was called GRID (gay-related immune disorder).

    How does one disclose to a potential partner that he/she is HIV positive or has an STD? A good way to disclose is either in a public setting that is relaxing or private in a space that is special to you. Just ‘being yourself’ lets the person know you are real and that you are honest. Never talk down about your being HIV positive. Keep your head up and show the love for yourself and others by disclosing.

    Remember, disclosing will be a lifelong process.  Disclosing one’s HIV status before having sex with a partner is the law in some states and countries.

    Practice over a mirror. Just like you, the people you tell will need support as well. Don’t expect that just because you love someone, they will be able to support you after your disclosure. You may need to support them with this new information before they can be there for you. It is a good idea to have on hand a few telephone numbers of places they can go for support.

    Groups of individuals that one may have to disclose to often include the following:

    • Family—can be painful and you don’t have to disclose to them until it feels ‘right’.
    • Friends—easiest.
    • Your children—consider their age before you doing so.
    • Husband or wife— hardest, they will have to be tested for HIV positivity!
    • Doctor—easy but worrisome.
    • Workplace – you do not have to tell. Know your rights!
    • Needle users—easy to do so at times and you must!

    Tips for disclosing
    Many have also found the below list to be effective when disclosing their status:

    • Trust your instincts, disclose when you are ready.
    • Think about what you’re going to say ahead of time.
    • Choose your time and place; don’t be rushed into it.
    • Share with people whom you trust.
    • Use your own words.
    • Tell two friends so that they can support each other and not need to lean solely on you.
    • If someone has lots of questions, ask him/her to do their own research. This will ease the pressure on you to “know it all”.
    • Ask for what you need: a shoulder to cry on, space to think about it, practical help when you need it.

    When should I disclose my HIV status?
    With some people, this happens only before sex or intimacy. For others, it may take place even before dating. However, always do so when sharing needles for you are the one responsible for yourself. In addition, children should be old enough to understand before being told. Although there is generally no particular ‘right time’, you should tell only when you feel ready or when you are legally required to do so. If you haven’t told anyone beforehand (as you should have), inform your sexual partners as soon as possible so they can be tested because there is now a chance of functional cure in cases of early treatment and detection.

    Why should you tell?
    It’s your duty to disclose under some laws and morally, it’s just the right thing to do! Moreover, it is both very therapeutic and liberating to be totally honest by letting others know your status. Take it slowly—you will be living with HIV for a long time, and your first responsibility is to yourself and to finding the support you need.

    Disclosure can be scary, embarrassing, or painful.  However, frank conversation usually leads to better decisions and better sexual relationships. There is great freedom about telling the truth and letting people know who you really are.If we disclose when we should and protect ourselves, we automatically protect others. This also means that we slow down the spread of new HIV cases. Though, this only works through the ones who know that they are HIV positive.

    Have self-respect, love who you are! Get tested! Know your HIV status!

    Image courtesy of Shutterstock

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  • Quick Fix for Sexless Relationships?

    Quick Fix for Sexless Relationships?

    If you’ve experienced how verbose I am about any sexual or relationship topic, you won’t be surprised to hear me respond NO to the above query.  However, there are two basic questions you can ask yourself to start digging at the foundation of a lacklustre sex life:

    1. What does having sex mean to you?
    2. What does not having sex mean to you?

    When I write “mean,” I’m referring to the compelling emotions surrounding these questions.  For example, one woman I presented the first question to exploded, “What does it mean? It means I’m just taking care of my husband like I have to take care of the house, the kids, and my clients at work.”  Yikes.  Lots of underlying resentments. Generally resentments represent needs that aren’t being met.  In this case, she was not feeling nurtured and cared for, and feeling overwhelmed with emotionally managing so many others.

    In another case, I asked a male client in a “sexless” marriage what not having sex meant to him.  He sadly replied that he was unable to have a level of closeness and intimacy he craved, intimacy that made him feel good about himself and connected to his wife.  Having sex with his wife validated his self worth as a man and a loving husband.

    When sex is “missing” in a relationship, just trying to spice up the excitement level rarely addresses the depth of the hurt, resentments, and walls that have built up. Gently pulling back the layers of hurt and disconnect and replacing them with appreciation and vulnerability (with a kick of creativity) is the best “quick fix” I can recommend.

    This article has been republished with permission from our contributing author, Dr. Jennifer Gunsaullus. Please visit Dr. Jenn’s website to view original post and more of Dr. Jenn’s works.

    Image courtesy of Shutterstock

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  • Uncuffed: An Intro to Kinky Exploration

    Uncuffed: An Intro to Kinky Exploration

    If you are a curious beginner looking to explore the multiple facets of kink with your partner, whether that means buying your first set of handcuffs or acting out an intense fantasy, there are three guidelines to start you off…to get you off.

    Communication with your partner is crucial to having a good kinky time.  If this is your first time expanding your sexuality and testing your comfort zone then there is a lot to talk about with your partner.  It can be a little awkward at first to address these sometimes new and edgy topics, and that’s okay.  You’re allowed to feel a little uncomfortable.  Start out slow when addressing kink with your partner; maybe mention you read an article or an erotic story online about some light bondage and a blindfold and were wondering if your partner would be open to tying you up (or vice versa) with a tie or fuzzy handcuffs and blindfolding you with a scarf.  Sometimes it is easier to begin with small changes to your sexual routine to get more comfortable, before experimenting with more intense changes, like replacing that scarf or fuzzy handcuffs with rope or leather bonds.

    It also can be helpful to give each other a verbal outline of what will happen (at least the first few times) so there are no surprises that your partner may not be expecting or enjoy.  For example, if you are tying your partner up and then blindfolding them, explain to them how and what you will tie them up with, and explain that you can stop at any time if you or your partner becomes uncomfortable.  Talking it out is a great way to reduce any stress or nervousness you or your partner may experience during this new adventure you are embarking on together.

    Consent is also a critical piece of kinky exploration that ties (pun intended) in well with communicating with your partner.  Consent is so important for you and your partner’s sexual experience.  After talking to your partner about wanting to trying that light bondage, or wanting to be blindfolded for a little sensory deprivation if your partner does not want to try those things you need to respect that.  Consensual sex is the best kind of sex, and if your partner feels obligated or bullied into trying these kinds of things, it likely will not be enjoyable for either one of you and will not make for promising sexual exploration in the future.  If at first your partner does not seem too keen on the idea of incorporating these new kinky ideas into your sexual repertoire, that’s okay.  You might try showing your partner that article or erotic story you read that gave you the idea in the first place, or looking into some literature for kinky beginners.

    If after reading up on kink through articles, books, or erotica and your partner is still hesitant, you should respect that and just give it some time.  Let the conversation rest for a while, maybe your partner is stressed at work currently or is having difficulty within their family.  Showing you respect their decision and/or can wait for other areas of their life to settle down will show your partner you respect them and honour their consent, and may keep your partner’s mind open to consenting to some kinky fun in the future.

    Lastly, after you have discussed what you are going to try with your partner, how you are going to try it, and have received verbal and (maybe a little nervous) enthusiastic consent, you need to keep safety and sanitation in mind as well.  This basically means using safe products for you and your partner, and to have a basic understanding of the kinky toys you might try using before actually using them on your partner.  For example, if you are going to use handcuffs, make sure you know how to easily get in and out of them.  Or, if you are going to use any sex toys like vibrators or dildos, make sure you know what they are made out of and know if those materials are healthy for you and your partner (be aware of latex and other kinds of allergies).  After you are done using toys, make sure to wash and store them properly too for next time.

    A final word on safety; depending on what you are choosing to explore sexually with your partner, having a safe word may be beneficial.  Having a safe word, like “red” for stop or “yellow” for slow down, or something silly like “watermelon”, can give you and your partner confidence and security in your kinky exploration.  If what you are experimenting with gets too intense for one of you, you can stop whenever you want by using your word.

    Keeping these three simple rules in mind: open communication, consent and safety for you and your partner while you begin to experiment and broaden your sexy horizons, will hopefully lead you both to a healthy, confident, (kinkily) blossoming sexuality.

    Images courtesy of Shutterstock

  • 5 Secrets for Reviving Your Sex Life

    5 Secrets for Reviving Your Sex Life

    In today’s society, everywhere we turn we see products and advertisements that promise new ways to have hot, passionate sex.  With all these tricks to try we are often left wondering, what happens if the sex is nonexistent?  In my line of work, I often am faced with couples that are at a sort of sexual standstill, and this is (to say the least) frustrating for all parties involved.  What happens when that passion begins to fizzle and you find yourself in the midst of a dry spell?  And even more importantly, what can you do to reignite the flame?  Read on to learn the keys to return the heat between the sheets:

    1. Open the lines of communication.

    Chances are, if you’re unhappy with the quality or quantity of sex that you’re having, your partner could be too. There is a common misconception that less talk means more action, when in all actuality, this is not true.  Your partner is not a mind reader!!  Find a time (NOT while things are hot and heavy) to bring up your concerns and make your requests, but do so in a way that makes your partner feel wanted, not blamed.

    2. Make the time to connect.

    I know, this sounds so simple.  The truth of the matter is that the majority of men and women become sexually aroused in very different ways.  Women, for instance, will often present with complaints of a lack of romance, intimacy or feeling like they are not connecting with their partner.  This comes from an intrinsic need for emotional closeness in order to be aroused sexually.  Men, on the other hand, often seek physical intimacy (i.e. sexual intercourse) to feel connected emotionally.  You can see how things might get a little complicated.  Take time to turn the focus toward reconnecting with one another in an intimate way.  In the sex therapy world, we often talk about sexual intimacy as a broader category of acts that may not include intercourse.  For instance, sensual massage, showering together and other erotic activities can bring partners closer together, before they take to the sheets.

    3. Prioritize your relationship.

    Think about all of the things in your life that you need to actively maintain.  When the fridge is empty- you get groceries.  You fill your car up with gas and get the oil changed so that it continues to run.  In the same way, you need to make time to focus on keeping your relationship fulfilling.  Whether this is a weekly date night or daily rituals that help you and your partner connect, make each other a priority and stick to it!

    4. Think outside the box!

    If monotony is the cause of your sexual stagnation, maybe now is a good time to approach your partner about adding some spice to your erotic life.  While being respectful of boundaries, making sex fun and playful again can often lead to increased frequency and pleasure.  Adding toys and other sexual enhancement products, new positions, or role play fantasies to your sexual repertoire can be a fresh way to experience one another.

    5. Make love all day.

    I know, you’re thinking, “who has time for that?!”  But when I say make love, I’m not talking specifically about intercourse.  So often, we get tied up in the idea that sex needs to be spontaneous for it to be hot, but that is not always the case.  Think about it: if you receive a suggestive text message or email at the beginning of your work day and continue to flirt with and tease your partner, by the time you get home the anticipation and the sexual tension will be rampant.  You’re actively sending signals to your partner that they are desired by you, and vice versa.  Try it!  If you and your partner have planned dates for intimacy (or if you’d like to try), plant the seed early on in the day and keep it going!  And above all, have fun, be honest and be open with your partner!

     

    Images from Shutterstock

  • Let the Dirty Talks Boost Your Sex Life

    Let the Dirty Talks Boost Your Sex Life

    “Make love to me honey” or “Fuck the shit out of me”.  Which is the best way to tell your man (or woman) what you want them to do to you?

    In my experience, there is a time for everything.  After a romantic night out and cuddling up on the sofa, maybe the first option is the better.  Then again, what if you just met someone in a club and you are both a little tipsy and you can feel his hard on through his jeans just waiting to get into you, then the second option might be the better one.

    I have always been outspoken and never afraid of telling men what I wanted and how I wanted it.  Even when I was in my early twenties I would surprise my boyfriend with romantic outcries like “stick that thing in me baby” or “take me harder”, or even a “let me taste you”.  A lot of times these little things made the man look at me in confusion and sometimes I could spot a bit of fear in his face, like if he was thinking; “what kind of porn actress have I got here?”  I was actually dumped by a guy because he couldn’t handle my choice of words.

    This brings up the topic of this article; when is it appropriate to use those strong adjectives?

    In my experience it’s all about the situation and what kind of guy you are with.  Like I mentioned in the beginning, if you are having a romantic evening and have just come home, then it might be better to use some softer language.  At the same time, if you have just met someone, there might also be a good reason to be careful of the words you use; you don’t want to give the wrong impression on your first date, even though your body screams for him to take you hard against that cold backstreet wall.

    When you have a stable relationship it is always fun to mix it up a bit.  I used to date this guy and we had a little game going.  When he would pick me up for a night out I would always greet him at the door dressed to kill.  High heels, short skirt, make up and the sexy lingerie.  I would then invite him in for a drink and just before leaving he would fuck me against my kitchen table.  Just pull up my skirt and stick it in me.  Meanwhile we would both be using some very juicy words.  Why did we do it like that?  Well, we were both working stressful jobs and I guess it was a way to get rid of the build up from the week to be able to relax together.

    Men watch and read more porn than women do, and in porn the girls almost always use some pretty dirty language.  For younger guys this might make them believe that is the way a woman should be in bed.  Wrong.  If a man makes us hot enough we will, out of pure horniness come out with some very detailed adjectives on what we would like him to do to us.

    In the end, it’s all about the situation and the company you have, but never be afraid to let go of that hidden porn actress deep inside you and let your man know that you want him to make you scream like never before.

    Regards

    Natasha