SimplySxy

Tag: Slutwalk

  • Asking and Giving Consent for Sex

    Asking and Giving Consent for Sex

    Consent

    When it comes down to getting jiggy with your partner, consent is a huge question mark.  Often, people get confused when there are mixed signals, which may lead to unwanted sex (sexual assault or rape), even if people didn’t mean to.  A simple “Let’s go over to my place after dinner” could be misconstrued as an invitation to sex, for example.

    To many, consent is a simple question followed by a “yes” or “no” answer, but one of the biggest challenges with this is that it’s often awkward to simply ask for sex.  Additionally, the widely perpetuated myth that when women say “no”, it means “yes”, adds unnecessary uncertainty to how the answer should be interpreted.  So what are the various ways that we can encourage the act of asking and giving consent in a more subtle manner without losing clarity?

    Let’s come up with a spectrum of comfort levels between any relationships.

    1)     Extremely comfortable (couples who are having sex frequently and already enjoy it)

    Even though a couple can be in a long-term loving relationship, it doesn’t mean that we can take sex for granted. At this stage, it is alright (even sexy) to ask for sex upfront, where a “no” should not be taken personally as a rejection.  It is more likely that your partner is tired, or not in the mood, or stressed.  It has got nothing to do with you.  Trust your partner that any rejection to sex is not necessarily an indication that the relationship is not going well or that he/she no longer likes you.  Although couples have their own form of consent, they should still be sensitive to body language and cues, especially because people (and their sex drives!) change over the course of the relationship.

    2)     Comfortable (couples who have sex occasionally or do not talk about sex openly)

    When you’re in the stage of a relationship where expectations seem to fall out of the sky, assumptions and unspoken “rules” develop.  Enjoy unravelling and clarifying what these differences are, because what you think should be a given, may be completely absurd from another’s view.  This is a good chance for you to strengthen communication with your partner; to discover whether the established patterns and behaviours in asking for consent might perhaps be pressurising/ not entirely mutual/ worked previously in the relationship but is now annoying.  At the end of the day, you must reflect on why he/she is sleeping with you to ensure that it is out of mutual desire and not duty or pressure.

    3)     Neutral (Just getting to know each other or friends transitioning to lovers)

    Take your time at each stag,e from holding hands, to kissing the person at the door, to hugging; so on and so forth.  At any point where you feel that there might be resistance, stop and ask.  “Is everything okay?”. “How are you feeling?”  When it comes to asking for sex itself, “Should I go get a condom?” is one of the many great ways to suggest sex (and also making sure it’s done safely) without being too blunt at this early stage of the relationship.  Other suggestions include:

    –        Is it okay if I ________?

    –        Would you be comfortable if we _______?

    –        I would like to ______ to you, but only if you want to as well.

    4)     Strangers (One-night stands or flings)

    Suppose you meet someone at a bar you’re interested in (and both of you are sober), you start chatting him/her up and doing the usual courtship rituals.  You are sexually attracted to the person and not sure if it’s reciprocal.  It is always better to err on the side of caution; do not have sex with the person even if he/she hints at wanting sex either with body language or innuendo.  At this stage, it is very easy to misunderstand actions especially when you have never interacted with the person before.  Therefore, be as clear as possible, maybe almost blunt; it may be unromantic but it is better to be sure of the boundaries than to disregard the other person’s feelings.  When miscommunication does occur, be the bigger person and apologise without insinuating that he/she led you on.

    Consent boils down to showing respect and listening to your partner, as well as being sensitive to body language.  When you respect your partner, it often makes you a more desirable lover because you exhibit maturity and understanding.  Open and honest communication may seem awkward at first, but it brings relationships closer and builds trust and security in your love-making.

    Images courtesy of Shutterstock and SlutWalkSG

  • 6 Tips on Listening to Victims of Sexual Assault

    6 Tips on Listening to Victims of Sexual Assault

    We’ve all felt apprehension in that situation: having to listen to a friend or loved one who has suffered as a victim of sexual assault.  How do we then respond to that trust?  What can we do to help the victim feel supported and accepted?

    1.       Understand your role

    We’re fortunate to not be police officers; they have the added responsibility of extracting information in an empathetic manner, figuring out what really happened, and collecting evidence for a case.  As a friend or loved one, you’re not there to investigate, but to help the victim feel that they’re not going through this alone.

    2.       Don’t solve the problem

    We tend to bring in our own solutions and preconceptions in an effort to be helpful.  There is a time for this, but be sensitive that it should always be about the person you’re listening to.  First of all, attend to the emotions of the victim.  What they need from you are words and responses of affirmation, to lighten the burden on their shoulders by offloading negative emotions.

    3.       Mirror their emotions

    Respond appropriately to the victim’s emotions.  Don’t laugh if the victim is not laughing; it doesn’t matter if you think it’s funny.  What’s most important to them at this time is solidarity, knowing that they’re not going through this alone.  Mirroring involves body language more than speech, which is also why some things are best done face to face, silence over the phone can be misconstrued.

    4.       Show your full attention

    Sometimes the information can be very heavy, and you’re tempted to distract, and or change the topic.  It’s important to not let your discomfort in the situation show, as the victim might feel dismissed or trivialised.  If you’re not in the correct frame of mind or you can’t afford the time, apologise and set up an appointment at a later time. If you do feel discomfort…

    5.       Don’t take what he/ she says too personally

    This isn’t the time to measure who is more right and who is more wrong.  Even when the victim expresses unfair criticisms on other parties, keep in mind that a person’s recollection of a situation is always coloured with strong emotion and that the process of sharing this emotion is helpful at that point of time.  For example, if the victim says “I hate all men” and you’re a man, take note that this is the emotions talking, don’t feel blamed, pay attention to the frustration and difficulties the victim is going through.

    6.       Be very sensitive to preserving the confidentiality of the victim

    When someone confides in you, they’ve taken a huge step of faith to be able to trust you with their story.  Even when you need to tell someone else about it, be very careful to keep all the identities secret.  The last thing you want is to have betrayed the victim’s trust and instigated gossip and slander in the process.

    Remember, that listening is a privilege, an act of deep trust on the part of the victim.  Listening empathetically is not just limited to sexual assault; it will help your relationship grow, no matter the context.  Empty yourself of preconceptions, judgements, and just go along for the ride.

  • SlutWalk Singapore

    SlutWalk Singapore

    SimplySxy is delighted to have the opportunity to collaborate with SlutWalk Singapore (SWSG).  This collaboration is in-line with SimplySxy’s mission to create awareness and provide accurate sexuality education for all our readers.  SWSG has been active since 2011, conducting workshops, talks and events on a regular basis.  For starters, here’s a little you should know about SlutWalk:

    History of SlutWalk

    SlutWalk started in Toronto in Feb of 2011 as a response to Constable Michael Sanguinetti’s statement at a York University safety forum that “women should avoid dressing like sluts in order to not be victimized.”  This sparked a backlash which has resulted in SlutWalk groups forming all over the world — from Seoul to New York City to Helsinki to Delhi to Johannesburg — to protest a culture that blames victims for rape, and to challenge the attitudes that come with that, which usually leave sexual crimes under-reported as a result.  We recognize that we need to end not only the acts of sexual violence, but the excuses that allow that violence to continue.

    A Manifesto

    We are tired of being oppressed by slut-shaming; of being judged by our sexuality and feeling unsafe as a result.  We recognize that we need to end not only the acts of sexual violence, but the excuses that allow that violence to continue.  This is not just a women’s issue or a men’s issue; it is everyone’s issue — regardless of gender identification, class, religion, race, or any other identity markers.

    Snapshot of a SWSG event held previously swsg2012b

    We seek to:

      • Challenge the sentiment that it is acceptable to live in a victim-blaming society as we do, where we are taught “don’t get raped,” instead of “don’t rape.”
      • Emphasize that no means no, yes means yes, and that only our words can consent for us — not our bodies or our clothes, and regardless if we participate in sex for pleasure or for work.
      • Fight the stereotypes and myths of sexual assault (e.g. men jumping out of bushes) and supporting a better understanding of why sexual violence happens (not limited to physical violence), supporting victims and survivors.
      • Create an understanding that sexual assault affects all genders, while acknowledging the fact that it disproportionately affects women.
      • Create a network of safe spaces for survivors of sexual assault to seek solace and empowerment.

    Join us in our mission to spread the word that those who experience sexual assault are not the ones at fault, without exception.  Sexual assault is never justifiable, regardless of age, gender, class, profession, or race.

    SlutWalk SG is currently carrying out a survey on Rape Culture and your participation is greatly appreciated.  It will only take a minute of your time and the link to the survey can be found here.  Watch this space as we bring you updates on SWSG 2014.  For more information, please visit http://slutwalksg.com/