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Tag: Sex & Culture

  • Sex Culture in South Asian Countries

    Sex Culture in South Asian Countries

    A culture of dogmatism and fanaticism, together with a high level illiteracy and lack of cultural expansionism leads to the ill growth of any society. On the other hand, the access to education is exactly what is needed for a man to elevate to greater heights in the midst of eking out a living leads to one sacrificing his/her daily pleasure in life.

    In most South Asian countries, it is a very common for a woman to be dominated by the male partner and this results in her losing both her sexual pleasures and source of happiness. In such a society, no one cares for her level of sexual contentment as she is under the heavy iron feet of a man and this is almost equivalent to ‘the lands of kama sutra being crushed’. In addition, a lack of sex education, the conservative attitude of parents towards sexuality and the equally zealous attitude towards religion in these societies is a pervading force which further reinforces parental dominance over one’s upbringing. It is not surprising that this leads to the subsequent lack of knowledge about the couple’s own preferences and dislikes and their inability to relate their sexual desires and emotions, and such cultural tightness has plunged their sex lives into an abyss of darkness while their sexual fantasies (if there are any) are condemned to be locked up in iron chambers.

    It is a great pity that South Asian societies do not encourage the freedom of sexual liberation and women who seek to express their sexual independence are met with corporal punishments, social boycott, or even labelled as prostitutes. It is inevitable for such oppressive subversion of sexuality to give rise to a glandular dysfunction of the society and leading to the proliferation of eve teasing, rapes, unhealthy addiction to pornography, sexual perversions and sex crimes. To make matters worse, scant attention is paid to sexual education and the practice of sexual hygiene and there are even individuals out there who are ignorant about the basic anatomy or physiology of their sexual organs.

    This results in the misconception about sex whereby its purpose deviates far from the physical enjoyment of each other’s companionship and to explore and respect one another’s sexual preference. What one merely pays attention to is the necessity to achieve orgasm and ejaculate with the next few minutes or even few seconds. Sex becomes a functional role to be performed for the purpose of reproduction. Ah … such is the irony for the great land of kama sutra.

    Image courtesy of Shutterstock
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  • What’s The Big Deal About Women Earning More Than Men?

    What’s The Big Deal About Women Earning More Than Men?

     

    About ten years ago, Laurie Toby Edison published Familiar Men, a book of non-erotic nudes of men. It’s an amazing book, and I was proud to contribute The Day I Found My Ass for it. Edison captured some deeply moving images of men of many different ages, races, and backgrounds to show how our perception of nudity and sexualization differ when men are the focus, rather than women.

    I remember going to one of her signings and hearing her talk about the response her photos received. Edison said that one of the most common questions she heard was, “What do these men do?” It took her by surprise, until she realized that most people are used to looking at how men are dressed and how we act in order to figure out what we do for a living. So many of the definitions of masculinity are tied up in being a provider, being a worker, being a breadwinner, that when the visual cues are taken away, a lot of people are confused. Of course, that’s really only the case in non-sexual photos like those in Familiar Men, and there aren’t too many of those. How many nude images of men can you think of that weren’t intended to be sexual?

    I’ve been thinking about this in light of the recently-released study showing that 4 out of 10 US households with children have mothers who are the primary or sole earner for her family and the predictable right-wing freakout about that. I think it’s important to unpack what it means when someone like conservative radio host Brian Fischer means when he says, “I don’t think it’s a healthy dynamic to have a wife outearn her husband, because so much of his sense of worth as a male is tied up with what he does vocationally.” Why is so much of men’s self-worth tied to how we labor? Why is what we do for a living one of the first things people ask about?

    “What do you do?” is one of the most common party conversation openers. Of course, that’s an easy topic to talk about, though I wonder if social conventions will change in response to our disastrous economy and the desire to avoid unpleasant topics at a dinner party. But why do so many men base their sense of personal value on what their income is? And why do so many women in these situations do more childcare and household labor to bolster their partners’ egos?

    This seems like an especially important question to consider in a world in which global wealth inequality is growing faster than ever.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=QPKKQnijnsM

    If these right wing pundits really want to make it possible for male-female couples to raise children on one income, they might consider pushing for the economic structures that would make that possible. But leaving aside their logical inconsistencies and how they deal with cognitive dissonance by insisting that men are designed (despite the actual science) to be the breadwinners, it seems to me that masculinity is at a turning point.

    For a long time, we’ve defined masculinity in terms of “performance.” Using things like job performance, sexual performance, or athletic performance as our measuring tools creates men who look strong, but are hollow on the inside. When jobs are lost or bodies change, when the performance shifts, many men struggle with their self-worth. It’s in these situations that men’s egos get coddled, because that seems easier than reinventing what it means to be a man.

    I think it’s time for us to stop defining our value by looking at how we perform. I think it’s time for us to ask ourselves what value be bring to our relationships, to our communities, and to the world. I want to see masculinity defined as something more than how well we score.

    That’s not an easy path because it means that we need to look at how fear and shame have been used to control us. We need to explore the messages we’ve been forced to accept about ourselves. We need to create our self-worth, instead of getting it from performing to some external standard. And we need to learn new tools for dealing with the parts of ourselves that we’ve been avoiding. In my work as a coach, I’ve spoken with a lot of men and their partners about these kinds of things and I’m always amazed at the courage it takes to step out of the Act Like a Man Box.

    And that’s the turning point we’re at. It’s time for us to be brave enough to decide that being a man isn’t about performance or scoring. It’s time to make it about something that really matters.

    This article has been republished with permission from Charlie Glickman. Please visit Charlie Glickman’s website  to view original post and more of Charlie’s works.

    Images courtesy of Shutterstock and Charlie Glickman

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  • My Introduction To Rape Culture

    My Introduction To Rape Culture

    I remember exactly when I first understood what “rape culture” meant.

    I was nineteen and a sophomore in college. I was talking with a woman I knew about gender and sexual politics, and I just wasn’t getting it. She was describing what it was like for her to move through the world as a woman, to be constantly under sexual surveillance, to always be worried about whether some guy would harass or attack her, to never know if she could walk down the street without getting cat called. This was pretty foreign to me, because I’d never seen any of this happening.

    Partly, that was because I’d never really fit in with most other boys and I didn’t understand how the performance of masculinity encourages boys and men to compete with each other to demonstrate their manhood. I simply didn’t play those games. But more than that, it was because men don’t do the same things when they see a woman with a man. I had no idea that women’s experiences walking down the street were so different when I wasn’t there.

    So my friend gave me a challenge that changed my life. She offered to walk down the street on a weekend night and allow me to walk behind her so I could see what happened. I took her up on it and the next Friday night, out we went. She was dressed in pretty standard “going out” clothes and we headed out to the strip of stores, bars, and restaurants that most college campuses seem to have within walking distance. I stayed about twenty feet behind her- close enough to observe without seeming like we were together. And I was shocked at what I saw.

    Individual guys whispered or made comments about her as she passed them. They’d ask her where she was going or simply turn and stare at her ass. Groups of guys were worse, though. I could see them checking her out and talking to each other about her body and appearance. A few times, one guy in a group would say something and the rest of them would laugh while staring at her. And twice, one guy said something, followed by another guy escalating either the volume or the message, with another dude chiming in. I could see them all competing with each other to be the most macho, not caring that their games were at the cost of my friend’s feelings of safety.

    It was an eye-opening experience for me. It was the first glimpse I got at the crap that women have to put up with, simply for moving through the world. I started paying attention to it more and thought about how I would feel if I couldn’t go anywhere in public without having to think about getting harassed, how I would feel if I couldn’t feel safe walking down the street. If a picture is worth a thousand words, getting to see this for myself was worth so much more.

    Over time, I came to see that I needed to do more about this than simply not participate in it myself. In my workshops on sexuality, masculinity, and gender, I’ve had the opportunity to talk with people of all ages, genders, sexual orientations, and backgrounds about these topics. And one pattern that consistently shows up is that there are a lot ofcisgender men who act like this without realizing the impact it has. Many of them are so surrounded by the Act Like a Man Box that they see it as totally normal. Some of them would like to break out of it, but they don’t know how and don’t have the support to do it. And a lot of them are scared to change because other people will attack and shame them back into the box. It’s not just men who reinforce this prison.

    I also started to understand the connections between street harassment and sexual assault. One of the common threads is the belief that one person’s desires for sex, sexual attention, or validation as a man outweighs another person’s autonomy, safety, and consent. Another is that very few folks are actually teaching boys and young men about respect. Most of the conversations that I’ve seen center on shaming them without giving them the skills they need to navigate relationships. What if we could actually talk with boys about how to ask for sex, or ways to flirt without being creepy? I know some parents who are doing this, but the “boys will be boys” attitude is still common. Just as most people shy away from talking with girls about these issues out of discomfort with addressing adolescent female sexuality, we also avoid looking at adolescent male sexuality with any clarity. So is it any surprise that people grow up confused about relationships? Is it all that shocking that many of my coaching clients struggle with these same issues as adults?

    I’m deeply grateful to my friend for showing me what rape culture is about. For helping me understand that the world she moved through was so different from the one I moved through. For making it possible for me to take my first steps towards understanding what she and other women deal with every day. If you’re a cisgender man, I really encourage you to ask a friend if she’d be willing to do this experiment with you. Trust me. It’ll change your life.

    This article has been republished with permission from Charlie Glickman. Please visit Charlie Glickman’s website  to view original post and more of Charlie’s works.

  • Five Things Men Can Do To Not Be Creepy

    Five Things Men Can Do To Not Be Creepy

    I’ve been following a lot of the conversations in various circles about creeps, both online and in various communities I move through, and I’m really glad that this topic is getting more traction. I know that it’s a tough thing to bring up, for a variety of reasons, but until something gets brought into the light, it’s not going to change. Creepiness ends up affecting all of us, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, and it’s especially challenging for male-female interactions. Plenty of women have articulately described how annoying it is for them, though so far, I’ve seen far fewer men talk about how it affects us.

    It’s important for guys to be talking about this, too. Given the very scary possible consequences for women when men approach them, I think it’s entirely reasonable for someone to assume that a random guy hitting on her is a possible predator until he demonstrates otherwise. I understand that that creates a frustrating situation- after all, who likes to have to prove their good intentions? And it’s also one of the many ways in which sexism and misogyny make things harder for men. If you want that to change, work to change things. Don’t complain that women don’t assume you’re a good guy. Their reasons for not doing so are useful protective measures in a world that sets them up as targets to be harassed, groped, and assaulted while simultaneously blaming them for it. You’d do the same thing in their shoes.

    WHAT DOES “CREEPY” MEAN?

    As far as how we can change things, one piece that I think we need to look at is what makes someone a creep. I’ve heard lots of women say things like, “I just know it when I see it,” which doesn’t offer much to work with. Unless we can pin down some of the things that prompt that reaction, it’s not likely to change. So I’ve been thinking about that word and what it means lately, and I think that this video offers a pretty good visual explanation.

    Sure, it’s sort of cute to watch a cat inch up every time the camera looks away. And I think that illustrates one of the common ways that creeps act. It’s the constant testing of limits, whether that’s moving into someone’s personal space, touching them without permission, getting permission for one kind of touch and then moving past that, and so forth, that makes it creepy. It’s because they keep looking for ways to creep past the boundaries. It creates a no-win situation for the recipient. If she doesn’t say anything, the creeping continues. If she does, he can claim that he didn’t mean anything, or that she misunderstood, or call her a bitch and attack her verbally or physically. Instead of being up front about it, a creep can push things and then claim innocence when he’s called on it, especially since plenty of people will ask her what she did to prompt it instead of asking him what made him think that was an acceptable way to act.

    One thing that adds complexity to this is that slut-shaming makes it harder for women to initiate anything because it makes them vulnerable to being attacked. I’ve spoken with plenty of people who are convinced that men should make the move and women shouldn’t do anything more than signal their receptivity. And even when guys do take the first step, women are supposed to be demure in their responses- if they look too interested, there’s the possibility that they’ll be slut-shamed. So the entire system is set up to teach boys and men to be creeps because we’re supposed to keep inching forward. After all, we’re told that if we don’t, then nothing happens.

    That’s one reason we need to stop slut-shaming. When we respect women, regardless of their sexual choices, we create room for different dynamics. Instead of him chasing her, they can each move forward or away as they see fit. Just imagine how different that would make things.

    In that light, here are a few things that men can do to not be creepy. All of these assume that you don’t want to be creepy, of course. If you get off on crossing someone’s boundaries, either you need to learn how to play with that within a larger container of consent or you should admit that you enjoy assaulting people. So for the guys who don’t want to be creepy, here are my suggestions.

    MANAGING SEXUAL ENERGY

    1) Learn how to manage your sexual energy. If you feel attracted to someone or if you feel turned on, that’s yours to deal with. It isn’t anyone else’s responsibility, any more than your feelings of hunger are someone else’s responsibility. Yes, I get that it’s not entirely under your control any more than you can completely control hunger when you see something you’d like to eat. And just as you’re responsible for your responses when you see a hamburger, no matter how hungry you are, you’re responsible for your sexual energy, no matter how hot someone is.

    This piece is definitely easier for many men as we get older, whether that’s due to learning some skills, changing body chemistry, or something else entirely. But it can be something that any of us can struggle with, especially when drugs or alcohol are involved. I found tantra practices to be especially useful when I wanted to find ways to manage my sexual energy without denying or squashing it. If you’re not woo-averse, you might want to check them out and see what they can offer you. Despite the hype as methods for increasing pleasure and enhancing intimacy (which they can also be), they’re also useful techniques for energetic self-regulation.

    MAKE CONSENT PART OF YOUR APPROACH

    2) Instead of imposing yourself on someone else, make it very clear that the interest, desire, and consent of the person you want to ask is important. It’s not all that hard to do. In fact, here’s an easy formula. Start off with a conditional statement like:

    If you’re interested…
    If you’re in the mood…
    If you’re available…

    And follow up with a statement of your desire:

    I would enjoy chatting over coffee with you.
    I’d like to kiss you.
    I’d love to go out to dinner with you.

    The advantage of this approach is that it demonstrates that your interest is contingent on hers. Of course, you have to actually mean that, but if her desire and consent don’t matter to you, you’re well into rapist territory.

    RESPONDING TO REJECTION

    3) Learn how to deal with rejection. I know full well how difficult it can be to take a chance, put yourself out there, and not get the response you want. Rejection hurts. In fact, the distress from rejection and shame is processed in the same part of the brain as the distress from physical pain. Finding ways to cope with that and build some resiliency is crucial, though. One of the reasons some guys lash out and verbally or physically abuse women who turn them down is that they don’t know any other ways to deal with the distress they feel, especially when it’s grounded in their sense of masculinity.

    I think it’s also important to learn the difference between unavailability and rejection. Unfortunately, rejection can trigger shame reactions, so learning some shame resilience is part of this process. That’s not a quick fix- shame resilience can take a while to develop. I’m a big believer in therapy for that.

    UNDERSTAND WOMEN’S EXPERIENCES

    4) Deal with the fact that many women are bombarded with sexual interest, invitations, harassment, groping, and worse on an almost constant basis. That means that no matter how well-phrased your invitation and no matter how considerate you are, there’s a possibility that she’ll receive it differently than you intend. The best response in those situations isn’t to try to justify or explain yourself because that almost invariably comes across as you telling her that she’s wrong. Believe me- that’s not going to help.

    Instead, try saying something like, “I’m sorry that I intruded on you. Thank you for telling me.” And then disengage. Instead of trying to prove you’re cool, show her. Actions speak a lot louder than words. And remember that “no” is a sufficient response.

    KNOW WHEN (AND HOW) TO APOLOGIZE

    5) If you slip up (and everyone does), learn how to make amends. It takes a lot of courage to admit when you’ve done something that’s not in alignment with your values or expectations for yourself. But that’s the best way to avoid creating a situation in which resentment takes over the interaction. And trust me- resentment is not conducive to a happy time.

    The fact is, sometimes, boundaries are going to get brushed up against or crossed, even with the best of intentions. But if you step forward with care and with attention to the response, it’ll be a much smaller thing than if you go full-speed. And when it does happen, the best response is to acknowledge it, offer an apology, and step back. Depending on the situation, there might be room in the future to try again, but whether there is or not, at least you won’t be a jerk about it.

    WHAT ELSE?

    I don’t think this covers all the things guys can do to not be creepy, given that there are lots of other ways that men creep. But I think it’s a good start and, at the very least, these steps can help create happier relationships. And all of them can be useful at any stage, from an initial introduction to a long-term relationship.

    If you’re skeptical about it, try giving it a try and see what happens. Start with #2 since it’s the easiest one to experiment with. I’m willing to bet that you’ll see that the payoff is a partner who feels more comfortable and safer, which is one of the best ways to create a happy sexual connection that thrives. If that’s not positive feedback, I don’t know what is.

    The only way we’re going to change the cultural messages that encourage and enable creepiness is by living it. So if there are additional things you think men can do to not be creepy, comment below. Let’s see what else we can come up with.

    This article has been republished with permission from Charlie Glickman. Please visit Charlie Glickman’s website  to view original post and more of Charlie’s works.