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Tag: polyamory

  • What It’s Like To Be Polyamorous

    What It’s Like To Be Polyamorous

    Just like regular physical exercise and a diet rich with fruits and vegetables, I believe that (for most of us), maintaining fulfilling sexual relationships is part of a well-balanced and healthy lifestyle. Physical intimacy has a laundry list of health benefits for the participants: it can lower blood pressure, lower risk of heart attack, boost your immune system, lessen pain and improve sleep.

    Seriously, sex has more uses than coconut oil! Sex is also great for the brain; the psychological benefits of having a safe space to explore emotional vulnerability cannot be overstated. I think it’s important to point out that each person gets to define fulfillment in their own terms. Personal satisfaction looks different to everyone and everyone has a unique relationship to intimacy and the many forms it takes. Some people are perfectly content to be having vanilla sex with one person at a time; I’m just not one of them.

    The Appeal Of Polyamory

    One of the most exciting aspects of a polyamorous lifestyle is that you don’t have to choose between people that you like! In monogamy, people whittle down their romantic interests until they find The One. “The One” is a term monogamous folks use to refer to their unicorn of a life partner. A mythical creature, The One is the love of one’s life: the most passionate lover, the sweetest caregiver, the funniest comedian, the best home-maker/provider, the kindest parent, and (simply) the best life-long companion one could ask for. That is a lot of pressure to put on any single person!

    This means individuals are often choosing between people who are better at satisfying different needs in their life (perhaps Jose shares your love of home cooking, but Jack shares your sense of adventure) or they’re having to measure people with similar characteristics against each other to determine who will be the best partner, not just now, but forever (Jessie is funny but is Jasmine funnier? Who will better appreciate your sweet dad puns when you’re 90?). Since polyamory is a relationship model that values the differences in people and having multiple partners, you wouldn’t have to choose between Jose or Jack, and you could grow old with both Jessie and Jasmine – so long as they don’t tire of your dad puns before then.

    Another benefit is that you can tailor your relationships to fit your life. In our mono-centered culture, we are all presumably on the “relationship escalator”: the social script which outlines how our intimate relationships are supposed to play out. This script says that you can date around if you want but, eventually, you must “find the right one and settle down”, which most likely involves living together, getting married and having children as part of the ultimate goal. Many people find that the traditional relationship escalator unappealing and, instead, jump off.

    Polyamorous folks can create their own families and support-system networks instead of defaulting to the nuclear family model. Some families have lots of kids where everyone shares responsibility, some people have lots of partners but no kids, some people travel and maintain a lot of long-distance relationships, some are A-sexual and their relationships don’t contain physical intimacy, some practice nesting/family poly while some are solo-poly and others continue to create new and unique systems that work just for them.

    Dating in a pool of polyamorous folks also increases your chances of selecting people with good communication skills and higher emotional intelligence! This isn’t to say that you can’t find a poly jerk – it’s a well-known fact that jerks exist literally everywhere – but people in successful poly relationships tend to be more self-aware and understand the importance of introspection and communication better than your average bear. Occasional jealousy is perfectly normal in all relationships but in polyamory, the focus is on personal autonomy and (as we poly folks love to say) owning our shit. When I get jealous, I ask myself the following questions: “Why do I feel jealous? What am I missing? Is it something my partner hasn’t done for me or is this a personal issue? What do I need, from my partner or myself, to stop feeling jealous?”

    Common Misconceptions About Polyamory

    As with any counterculture movement, rumors regarding polyamorists identities, intentions and practices are plentiful. It’s actually quite common for someone to have never even heard of polyamory and confuse it with polygamy: the practice or condition of having multiple spouses. This misunderstanding is annoying but understandable since polygamist families have been opening up their lives on reality TV shows like Sister Wives; Three Wives, One Husband; Big Love; and My Five Wives for over a decade; subsequently turning “polygamy” into a household name.

    Here’s a fun fact: even though it’s common to use “polygamy” to reference a single husband with multiple wives (usually in accordance with a religious practice), it’s actually an umbrella term for all multiple marriages! Sociologists use the term “polygyny” when referring to that specific arrangement while “polyandry”, the practice of a single wife having many husbands, is much less common than its patriarchal counterpart. For the sake of simplicity, I will continue to use the familiar moniker “polygamy” when referring to the single husband/multiple wives model in this interview.

    Since modern polygamy tends to exist almost exclusively in fundamentalist religious communities, the relationships are heterosexual, patriarchal and come with a strict set of rules. Polyamory, on the other hand, is egalitarian, flexible, and a lot of times queer as fuck. Poly communities stress the importance of personal autonomy, that each individual person has the right to decide how many relationships they’re involved in and to what level of intimacy those relationships reach.

    Okay, now that you’ve had a crash course in polyamory vs polygamy and you’ve got a pretty good handle on the difference between the big Ps, let me guess: you think it’s all about the sex.

    How tragic! Polyamorists are sex-crazed maniacs! Unable to commit to any single person, incapable of truly falling in love, leaving a trail of sad, broken hearts in their wake…right?

    I hate to be the bearer of disappointment but that couldn’t be further from the truth. On the contrary, I would argue that polyamorists are commitment enthusiasts! The problem is that we live in a mono-centered culture where for a majority of people, polyamory isn’t even presented as an option. Poly folks don’t grow up with alternative relationship role models; we aren’t taught the emotional skills to manage multiple emotional commitments; often, we don’t even have the language to describe our feelings or desires. Many of us only discover polyamorist communities in our quest to understand why we don’t seem to fit the monogamous happily-ever-after narrative: some come to poly after having been through a series of failed monogamous relationships and others come because they’re already in a happy mono relationship but still feeling the desire to explore other people (something that is apparently supposed to melt away once you’ve found “The One”).

    Sex is an important part of many relationships but it’s no more important in a poly relationship than a monogamous one, by which I mean it’s completely subjective to the people within the relationship. Not everyone is having crazy orgies just because they have multiple partners…but some of us are.

    How Does One Know If polyamory Is For Them?

    Polyamory is different for everyone, but it’s generally viewed as a spectrum. At one end, polyamory is a relationship orientation: an inherent, unchangeable aspect of one’s identity. To live monogamously is a painful experience that prevents the individual from living life as their most authentic self. At the other, polyamory is more of a lifestyle choice. The individual may prefer polyamory to monogamy or may be able to move between poly and mono relationships depending on the preference of their partner(s). It’s quite common to fall somewhere in the middle or for one’s position on the spectrum to shift with time and experience.

    If the idea of multiple romantic relationships is appealing to you, I would suggest starting your research! There are many books, blogs and podcasts dedicated to polyamory introduction which can help you determine if it’s something you want to explore.

    How Important Is It To Set Rules?

    This may come as a surprise to you but when opening up an existing relationship to polyamory, the fewer rules you put in place, the better off you and your partner will be. It’s a common mistake for members of an existing couple to put restrictions on each other and themselves in an attempt to protect the relationship as they begin seeing other people. These restrictions often involve a hierarchy (making the original couple the “primary” and all other relationships “secondary”) and require the couple to make promises to each other that are hard to truly keep, like, “If one of us needs the other, the secondary partner will have to wait,” or, “We promise to never love anyone else as much, or more, than our primary partner.”

    These rules can seem, at a glance, normal, but what they truly do is prevent any new relationship from growing organically. If you enter into polyamory with fear and insecurity, you’ll miss out on all the wonderful opportunities it can offer. Adding other partners will not fix an already broken relationship, only add more heartache to the mix.

    Are There Complications From Being Polyamorous?

    Since polyamory is not a well-known relationship style, navigating this new territory can be difficult. Logistically speaking, you are promising more of your time to other people. Now, that may not be a big deal when figuring out date nights (Raven has Tuesdays and Jack has Fridays) but working out holidays and major events can be trickier. Emotionally speaking, not only do you now have to consider more points of view, you have a whole new set of emotions to learn to handle. How do you respond the first time your husband goes on a date? What about the first time you see him holding hands with his girlfriend? How do you know whether you enjoy having relationships with your metamours (partners of your partner) or if you prefer a less involved style of poly? Unfortunately, a lot of it is trial and error. Having the emotional maturity and communication skills to work through these issues with your partner(s) is key to having successful polyamorous relationships.

    Telling family and friends can also be hard and, for many people, coming out is a journey. Hiding your romantic partners can cause feelings of shame and anger, even resentment towards another partner if there’s a formal or informal hierarchy (for example, you may love your wife and girlfriend equally, but only your spouse is going to Christmas dinner at your parents). Because polyamory is still so misunderstood, dealing with the social and cultural stigma can be exhausting; I’ve particularly found this to be true for men dating multiple women where uneducated people have accused them of fulfilling a “harem fantasy”.

    There are also very few states with current legal protections for polyamorous families so for many polyamorists who are not self-employed, there could be incredible consequences to asking your boss if both of your girlfriends can come to the company picnic.

    As polyamory becomes more mainstream, it’s my sincere hope that future generations will be free and feel empowered to craft the relationships that work best for them. We live in a time where information is accessible – the internet is an endless pool of resources for the poly-curious – and nothing in this world is certain but change.

    Ivy Quill – A second-generation sex worker. She grew up in the Pacific Northwest, where she works today as a professional companion, writer and entrepreneur. She has toured nationally and enjoys a bicoastal following. She has also conducted academic sociological research on sex worker communities and is actively engaged in sex worker outreach projects.

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  • What It’s Like Being Non Monogamous

    What It’s Like Being Non Monogamous

    I think that sex is a great way to connect with others, and relieve tension. Sex is healthy, sex is fun, as long as you are responsible consenting adults! I believe in being free to express yourself in the bedroom. Communication and consent are key, then the fun can begin!

    Why Being Non-Monogamous Appeals To Me

    Personally, polyamory is not for me. For many, they like having more than one partner. Polyamory (many loves)  is multiple full on relationships. For me, I prefer non-monogamy that includes only being sexually open. I like having a primary emotionally committed partner, with sexual openness.

    We are loyal to one another, but play sexually with others. I am a very sexual person and traditional relationships do not meet my sexual needs. I also enjoy watching my partner pleasing and being pleased by others.

    Misconceptions About Non-Monogamy

    Typically people don’t understand the difference between cheating and non-monogamy. I prefer to specify that I practice “ethical” non monogamy. I like to emphasize that I do not condone cheating of any kind. I only practice and condone honest and open non-monogamy where all partners involved are aware.

    What Constitutes Hotwifing & Cuckoldry?

    I am one who gets off on watching my partner with others. Both of these are a type of voyeurism and that is a common fantasy. Cuckolding typically involves humiliation of the person’s partner while they have sex with another. Hotwifing is more the man wants to watch or simply know his partner is being pleased by another man.

    Both of these involve a man with an unfaithful woman though he is turned on by this. I have yet to see much about a woman who likes to do this with her man. There is a term cuckqueening, though it does not seem to be popular in porn or talked about much.

    Tip To Explore Non-Monogamous Relationships

    Do your research. You can learn about other couples experiences online, or read books on non monoamy. There are meet up groups for polyamory or other non-monogamy types. I got my journey started in a polyamory meet up group. The most important thing is to do this for you. Both partners should enjoy it and there should be constant communication. You never know when jealousy can rear it’s ugly head.

    Alana Cruise – I have been a webcam model since 2011. I began porn in 2016 and I love every minute of it. I am a very horny woman who loves seducing younger men, having sex with women, and all kinds of kinkery.

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  • How To Embrace Polyamory

    How To Embrace Polyamory

    Although I am currently in a monogamous relationship (I just had a baby, I’m not in at a place in my life where I want to focus on anyone but my child and her father) I have explored having multiple partners and being in an open relationship.

    With apps like Tinder and immediate access to pornography we’re left searching for more than the same person we’re intimate with for years. As humans, redundancy can get well, boring.

    I was once a very jealous person, putting all of my self worth into the hands of my partner. When I learned to love myself more than anyone else, I started to explore what is called “compersion ”.  Compersion is the act of finding joy in another persons joy. Instead of feeling jealous, imagine feeling the excitement and glee your partner gets from falling in love with another person. Sounds impossible right? Well, it’s not.

    The key is loving yourself. The key is putting all of your self worth into your own hands, and not letting anyone take that power away from you. When you’re full of self love, you can begin to feel joy and gratitude in your heart when you see the person you love exploring another person. In theory this is what I felt, and I put it to the test.

    I learned three lessons from exploring being in an “Open Relationship.”

    1) If the girl respected me, and I liked her, I was a happy camper.

    I let my boyfriend fuck one of my best friends next to me. He asked for permission first, and I said yes. While he fucked her he looked over at me, half asleep, and I gave him a high five.

    2) If the girl didn’t respect me, but I consented, I felt okay.

    We had a friend of a friend over one night, and although I didn’t want to sleep with her I gave my boyfriend permission to. She was the type of girl who needed the males’ attention in the room, and I didn’t click with her. When it was over I felt a little violated, her ego had been stroked, this was a game, and I was the loser.

    3) If I didn’t know beforehand, I felt betrayed. Consent is key. Communication is key.

    My partner had received a blowjob from another friend of a friend, I hadn’t learned about it until a few days later and although I tried to play it cool. I was deeply hurt though.

    How To Know If Polyamory Is Right For You

    Polyamory isn’t right for you if you: “Don’t want to know about it”

    For instance, if your boyfriend tells you you’re expendable and you’re paying his rent, and that he also wants to be in an “open relationship” and you reluctantly agree because sharing him is better than losing him, being in poly isn’t for you. Also, you should probably break up with him, he sounds like a scrub.

    Polyamory is right for you if: You know that with or without a partner, you are secure with yourself and will be okay.

    Polyamory isn’t right for you if you: “Can’t talk about your feelings”.

    For instance, if your girlfriend asks for your permission to have sex with your brothers’ friend, and you agree because she let you sleep with other people and you feel obligated but deep down you can’t tell her you don’t want her to, polyamory isn’t right for you.

    Polyamory is right for you if: You feel “drawn to multiple people”. Poly means many, amory means love. I once had seven boyfriends, they all knew about each other, and I had some of the best times of my life with them.

    Polyamory isn’t right for you if: You put all of your validation for your self worth in other people.

    Why It Works For Some But Not Others

    The reason polyamory works for some but not others is communication, communication, and communication. If you had to have a limb amputated, you would handle it a lot better if you were told first, and then had the procedure done. We can prepare for the “pain” mentally before hand, and alas it won’t be as strong when it happens.

    Negative Assumptions About Polyamory

    I think when we think of polyamory, we think of psychedelic commune hippies and their “free love”. We still have a culture that believes in ownership of other people. It’s hard to grasp the concept that someone doesn’t “belong” to us.

    3 Important Things For Polyamorous Relationships To Work

    Self love, compassion, and communication.

    Aali Kali – Aali Kali is an American adult actress. She is currently writing her first novel. She advocates for sex workers and for self-love, self-acceptance, and self-compassion.

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  • Polyam Perks – Learning How To Share The Love

    Polyam Perks – Learning How To Share The Love

    Sex to me is not an action, or something you do. Sex is an experience, a way to form a unique and ever-evolving bond with someone. It’s a way to communicate how you feel about an individual (or group!) that transcends the confines of language. I don’t have words for what sex is to me, because sex redefines itself for me every day depending on the way I am feeling, and the person I am exploring those feelings with.

    The Appeal Of Polyamory & Why People Love It

    Before I start answering these questions, I want to make it clear that I cannot speak for every polyamorous person. I can only speak from my own experiences. Polyam means different things for different people, and I think that this is the main reason why so many people love it! I find that monogamous relationships are often put in a clearly defined box, and have so many expectations attached to them. Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of respect for people in monogamous relationships – but I believe the reason so many people love polyam is because of how individualised each relationship is. You could be sleeping with one person, platonically dating another, and cohabitating with someone else – and all of these relationships hold the same validity.

    With polyamory there is a freedom to redefine what loving someone means to you, and this definition often changes depending on who you are loving at the time. Having relationships entirely on my own terms and without the assumed format of being someone’s “girlfriend” has given me the chance to think about just how many ways I can give my love to a person. I’m really grateful for that skill.

    Are There Rules To Set In Polyamorous Relationships?

    Short answer: nope!

    This is my favourite thing about polyamory. Each relationship is created completely individually, from the ground up, with no assumptions of what each individual participating in the relationship needs.

    My only polyam rule is that if and when you need something – tell the person or people you need it from. Communication is the most important part of any relationship, mono or polyam. It’s so important to understand that your partner cannot read your mind no matter how close you feel you are, talk to each other, and if something needs to change – change it.

    I also cannot stress enough the importance of ongoing, informed, and enthusiastic consent from all parties involved in the polyamorous relationship. Consistent check-ins make it easy to ensure everyone in the relationship feels heard and cared for and can often solve problems before they even become real problems.

    How To Ensure Fairness For All Parties

    First of all, I want to acknowledge the elephant in the room:

    Polyam people can still experience jealousy. Feeling jealousy does not mean you are bad at polyam.

    The key word here is fairness – and fair to one person is not necessarily the same thing as to another. The only way I know of to ensure fairness in all your relationships is to talk to each other. Talk about what you need, talk about how you’re feeling, talk about why a certain action made you feel jealous, and talk about ways that you can all work together to rectify the situation in future.

    Many people believe in hierarchical polyamory (a primary partner who you spend most of your time with, and secondary/ternary/more partners who require less of your time and attention). I’m firmly in the relationship anarchy camp on this one, because I don’t believe that it can be fair to everyone if one person is classified as “more important” than others.

    Ensure fairness by treating each relationship you have with the same level of respect and care as others. The only way a relationship can be fair is when everyone feels they are being heard, and when everyone works together to find a format that works for them.

    Preventing Complications In The Relationship

    If someone has figured this out, please tell me because I would give anything to know.

    Complication is just something that you learn to deal with. You can put strategies in place, like group chats to make sure everyone feels they are being communicated with enough, shared calendars to ensure nobody is forgotten, or double booked. But when you are sharing love with multiple people, it’s just going to be complex because no one person feels or shows love in exactly the same way as others.

    Do’s & Don’ts When Being Polyamorous

    Do: Communicate, communicate, communicate.

    This is my answer to just about every question I am ever asked about polyamory. It is the only hard and fast rule I will ever live by in my love life. Talk about everything. Talk to your partners, your metamours (your partner’s partners), your family, your friends. Look everywhere you can for advice, your own knowledge is rarely enough to create a truly successful relationship. It’s a team effort.

    While you do this though, remember to respect everyone’s privacy. Your partner probably does not want their other lovers to hear every detail of the issues in your relationship. Make sure you know how much each person involved in the relationship is comfortable sharing, and comfortable hearing.

    Don’t: Make any assumptions.

    Each relationship you have is going to be different. This is a good thing, it expands your knowledge and teaches you so many ways to express love. Coming into a relationship with any assumptions of how it will operate can be disastrous. Don’t assume a partner knows how you are feeling, what you are thinking, or what you need. Until you have told them what you need from the relationship (clearly told them, not dropped hints or danced around the subject) there is no way that they will know exactly how to care for you as an individual.

    Do: Love!

    Polyamorous relationships aren’t all serious discussions and strategizing. Polyam is all about loving without boundaries. So go, love your partners, love your friends, love the cute stranger you saw on the train that one time. Allow yourself to experience love the way you need to experience it. As long as you do that, things usually go okay.

    Brigid Belle – Pornographer, camgirl, escort, and queer rights activist. You can find her naked on the internet, losing her mind over fluffy dogs in the park, or cuddled up to one of her gorgeous lovers. Her girlfriend Siren describes her as a “professional hot person” and she creates a soothingly sensual atmosphere in her videos, which she directs and produces 100% independently. Her last live appearance was Melbourne Sexpo 2016, and she will be appearing with Siren at Celebrating Sexuality in October. People who pay for their porn are her second biggest turn on, her first is people paying for her porn – which you can do by clicking the links provided.

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  • Polyamorous Relationship Tips

    Polyamorous Relationship Tips

    I wasn’t given much of a sex talk growing up, and I went through the fear-based sex-ed many do growing up. But, I went on my own journey with my body and learned it’s mine to do with what I wish, how I wish. I think everyone deserves that freedom.

    How We Started Polyamory

    My husband and I got married pretty young. We enjoyed our time dating and being just us, but once we were in it for the long haul we discussed the experiences we might miss out on being a young married couple. I started looking for poly people online to talk to. Eventually (it took around 6 months of on and off discussion) we opened our relationship, which led to me meeting my second partner who is now just as important to me as my husband is.

    3

    Guidelines For A Polyamorous Relationship

    Personally I don’t believe in strict rules, because relationships should be organic and not driven by too specific of guidelines, but communication is very important. We talk about things we want to happen before they do, everyone has a say, and we do our best to express feelings in a healthy way as they come up.

    5

    Fairness For All Parties

    Jealousy is something we’re taught to have. Other people aren’t meant to be possessions, or kept track of, or “claimed.” That being said, it’s a hard habit to break. When these feelings come up you have to decide if they are worth being talked about or if you need to work on it yourself, because insecurity is the root of jealousy. I ask myself why this is something REALLY bothering me and go from there. I expect the same courtesy from my partners.

    4

    Prevention For Complications?

    No. They get that way. Sometimes you don’t notice until you try to explain it to someone else. But when things are good and you’re just going with it they don’t seem that way. It’s like having a family. It’s just different.

    Do’s & Don’ts

    Always always always talk about your feelings and needs. Have those adult conversations, discover the root of your problems, and use your relationships for growth and support. Never use people as band-aids or against each other. Learn to schedule time and be okay with that. Do your best to be fair, open, and honest. Talk about things you’re thinking about doing before you do them. If you’re feeling neglected, say so. If you need sex, say so!

    Lydia Wilde – An intelligent yet foul mouthed naughty cam girl from Chaturbate. Polyamorous pansexual weirdo who loves to entertain people, usually with my enormous butt. Sassy yet sweet, cute yet dangerous, and I even play video games! Looking for friends with financial benefits to get me through this weird time in my adult life. I’ll give you eye candy if you give me money 😉

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  • Having trouble finding casual sex?

    Having trouble finding casual sex?

    Over on the Good Vibrations Magazine, I received a comment from a woman whose husband travels a lot. The two of them have a non-monogamous relationship and she’s had some difficulty finding casual partners:

    I wanted to address your concept of having casual sex in a positive fashion, and how difficult that seems to be, especially for men. It’s a paradox…most men seem to choose casual sex because they don’t want to have to deal with “relationship” stuff, but if you’re sleeping with someone on a regular basis, you’re having a relationship, albeit one that leads to the bedroom and not the altar. It’s much more difficult to have casual sex than a committed relationship: it takes honesty, openness, integrity and an extremely high degree of communication. It seems to be way too much work for most men.

    I think that part of the difficulty she’s facing may be partly due to the ways that we talk about casual sex and I think it’s worth unpacking that a bit.

    There are a lot of different meanings that people apply to casual sex and it often seems like we think of it as an either/or. Either it’s a casual thing (and there’s no “relationship”) or there’s an emotional commitment (and it’s not casual). And this is the sort of thinking that seems to make this so difficult.

    It’s important to recognize that there’s no such thing as “not being in a relationship.” There’s a relationship between any two things, people, or concepts. That relationship may be physical, mental, emotional or a combination of the above and some people would also add “spiritual” to the list. It may also be indirect, or quite distant. But to say that you want to have sex without having a relationship is simply inaccurate- a relationship is already there. The question then, isn’t how to keep from having a relationship, but rather, what kind of relationship you want to create.

    Once you start asking that question, then you can start to figure out where your needs, desires and wants are. This particular person wants to find someone for occasional sex with someone who is willing to meet her husband (and get the green light from him), will check in with her every so often to make sure that everything is working for each of them, and is ok with telling her when he has other lovers. None of that seems unreasonable to me, but if she starts her search by looking for someone who thinks of casual sex as “we’ll get together, boink, and go home”, that’s likely to lead to a mis-match. And given that many people define “casual sex” like that, I’m not surprised that she isn’t finding what she wants.

    It can also be challenging for women who want to have these sorts of relationships with men because a lot of men get caught up in the virgin-whore dichotomy. Not that this is limited to men, by any means, but finding guys who can have a sexual relationship with a woman that’s not centered on dating/marriage without putting her in the whore/slut category isn’t easy.

    Making this even more complex, many men simply don’t have the emotional self-awareness or relationship skills to manage what she’s asking for. In general, boys aren’t taught the skills they need to figure out what they’re feeling, how to tell someone about it, how to ask for what they need/want, how to listen to a partner, etc. It’s not that boys and men don’t have feelings, but a lot of them deal with the difficult ones by getting angry or disconnecting. And how in the world is a guy whose skills are limited like that supposed to manage a relationship like the one she describes above? (Fortunately, some people are teaching their boys better skills than these, but it’ll take some time before that’s the norm.)

    It sometimes seems to me that some men say that they want casual sex because they’re scared by emotional connection and want to avoid it. Emotional connection can be scary when you don’t know how to create and nurture it. And when we continue to talk about it as either/or, we only make it worse. When the only choices we hear about are full-on-commitment or 100% uncommitted, it’s no wonder that so many of her potential partners get scared off.

    So my suggestion to her and to other women in similar situations is to stop looking for casual sex and instead, to look for someone interested in creating a sexual relationship that fits her needs. Put the cards on the table from the very beginning, perhaps in an online personals ad, and let that be the first filter you use. Let go of the idea that either you’re in a committed ongoing relationship or you’re in a casual connection, and instead, create the relationship you want.

    I also want to point out that any relationship will work better when there’s “honesty, openness, integrity and an extremely high degree of communication.” Having multiple partners certainly adds extra challenges, simply because there are more people to take into account. But the skills that help people deal with conflicts, stay connected, and generally create successful relationships aren’t limited to any particular structure.

    Since I like to offer resources whenever I can, here are a couple of really good books on the topic:

    Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships is a great look at the more common (and many of the less common) forms that open relationships can take. There are also lots of tips and suggestions from people with real-life experience with each of them.

    The Ethical Slut: A Roadmap for Relationship Pioneers offers a lot of really good information on many of the concerns or questions people have around things like boundaries, safer sex, flirting and jealousy.

    There are also a lot of online resources and communities, especially if you’re looking for info about swinging or polyamory, so take a look there. The best way to find someone is to be in the communities that they’re likely to be in, too. Plus, you’ll find lots of helpful info, so you can avoid some of the mistakes that other people have made.

    Lastly, don’t settle for less than you deserve. It’s absolutely possible to create the sort of relationship you want, and it’s a lot easier when you’re clear in your intentions and you’re not willing to settle.

     This article has been republished with permission from Charlie Glickman. Visit his webpage to read more of his pieces here.

    Feature image courtesy of Shutterstock
    Do you wish to be featured on SimplySxy? Drop us an email at editorial@SimplySxy.com and we’ll love to hear from you!

     

  • Sexy Reads – My Life on the Swingset

    Sexy Reads – My Life on the Swingset

    Starting with a first date with a couple of swingers, followed by working through social anxiety and shyness, recognizing the importance of touch in life, evolving feelings about love and expectations, having threesomes, orgies, and prostate orgasms, going through a divorce, and leveling up in life and sexuality. For five years, Cooper S. Beckett has written for Life on the Swingset, here he has collected personal essays, stories, erotica, and prescriptive “how-tos” into this memoir of his life on The Swingset. He speaks honestly and earnestly about a unique way to live life, one that allows for sexual and loving growth and experimentation, a strong sense of community, and the ability to do what we all crave whether we know it or not: Be honest with ourselves and others about what we want sexually, and out of life.

    Excerpt

    Sex is Sex is Sex
    With or Without Penetration

    Somehow, I managed to achieve that elusive disconnect between the traditional notion of sex (i.e. me putting my penis into things other than mouths) and the word “sex.” Dan Savage recently said that if there was one thing the heterosexual world could learn from the homosexuals, it’s that sex is any form of sexual congress. This concept ensures that we’re not simply stampeding to the perceived goal line, and don’t feel we haven’t achieved something if there isn’t penetrative penis-in-vagina sex.

    I felt that way for a long time.

    Recently I wrote about a party where I consciously tried to change this concept. I made myself aware of my pattern, which would be to try to blow my way through interactions to get to the sexual finale in order to be able to play with as many of my friends as possible in a short amount of time. It never had anything to do with not respecting the time I spent with each of them, I loved all of it. I care deeply about those women whom I manage to spend quality sexy time with at parties, and since many of them I only see at parties, it makes it all the more important that I find the time.

    This line of thought was detrimental, however, because it caused me to put a tremendous amount of pressure on myself, perform giving oral, perform receiving oral (but don’t fucking come!), and then perform sexually all the way to the goal line. Often by the second tryst of the evening I was already beginning to struggle. Beyond that, all involved were lucky to get half-mast.

    This, as an aside, is what caused me to go from pretty good at digital stimulation to exceptional. I know that sounds braggy, but there are few things I am good enough at to brag with such confidence, as fingering. And, I can provide references if needed.

    So, why did I do this?

    If I was shortchanging myself by not being able to relax and enjoy things, and if I was shortchanging my partners, what was it? It just made sense to me, because that’s what you do as a full swap swinger, right? You swap and fuck. Rinse, repeat. Was that an ookier colloquialism than I intended?

    Hmm. It’s because I’d convinced myself that this was what was expected of me. When I start something (say, putting my hand down there and feeling her response) I ought to see it through, right? Right?!

    Then I began to recognize that these notions I had about swinging at the beginning (most told to me by my “swinging sire” about whom the less said, the better) were, perhaps, incorrect…or at least misleading.

    Early on, I painstakingly shaved every inch of my genitals because I was told that this was how things were done. That no one would play with me if I wasn’t immaculately groomed. That if I wanted it licked, it should be bare. I shaved daily, despite my skin clearly having a problem with this type of attention. It took my doctor asking me why on Earth I keep shaving when my body clearly doesn’t want me to for me to wonder about the logic of what I was doing.

    So I stopped shaving, and nobody cared. Nobody who mattered, anyway. In my attempts to live up to the “swinger standard” that was sent down from on high, I didn’t see what was right in front of me. Rules only have value if you, and those around you, feel they have value. It amuses me (and horrifies in equal part) that a group of people such as we swingers, so hell bent on ignoring that which we “should” be doing (i.e. being monogamous, sticking with one gender or another) could get so caught up in other “shoulds.” You should always come, you should always get it up, you should always reciprocate, you should always fuck. Why the hell would these ideals always line up?

    Well, the short answer is that they don’t. And that we’re often sheep. We reject one dogma to follow another and get swept away. In the past, I’ve also felt somehow shortchanged if events didn’t progress, if I “only” got a hand job. I stop and think about how amazing and disgraceful a thought that is, and how my 16 year old self would conspire to have me shot if he knew I’d even considered that thought. I was jaded, and had a bad case of “the shoulds.”

    But perhaps I’ve achieved enlightenment. Things certainly feel different. I’m currently flying the final leg of my trip back to Chicago from a week in paradise at Desire Resort & Spa, the first Life on the Swingset trip to Desire. At the resort I decided to no longer focus on penetrative (penis-in-vagina) sex. It was like a weight had been lifted. The removal of expectations about what things would become allowed us to concentrate instead on what things are.

    To live in the moment, for a change.

    I focused on whether I was giving or receiving pleasure. I could make out for a while with someone. I could perform oral on others. I could allow an urge to simply do one single thing with someone be paramount. And just as when I stopped shaving, nobody pitched a fit and banished me. In fact, everybody I was lucky enough to encounter seemed to be as excited about what was going on in the moment as I was. Never was there a “We’re not going to fuck?” or “Why aren’t you hard?”

    I realized that I’m far more interested in the pleasure of others than myself. I spent the week giving pleasure to those open to receive it; orally, digitally, nJoy Elevenally.

    “Cooper, you braggart,” you say, “you think you’re better than me?”

    Not at all, random voice guy who interrupts my essays sometimes. I receive as well. I had some truly spectacular moments of orgasmic bliss. But because I was not focused on when we would complete the transaction and I would insert my penis into her (or his, I’m equal opportunity) nether regions, I was able to see every bit of sexual interaction as the glorious experience it truly is. Nothing makes people want to please you more than putting yourself out as a giver of pleasure.

    And isn’t that a wonderful way to live?

    So, mark the date and time. My last party was not an isolated incident of emotional evolution on my part. That was just proof of concept. Desire represented physical, emotional, and (dare I say) spiritual growth within me.

    My heart is full of joy.

    Find out more and purchase My Life on the Swingset at:

    Informational page for book, and purchase from the author: http://my.lifeontheswingset.com

    Purchase in paperback: https://www.createspace.com/5055218

    Purchase on Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/My-Life-Swingset-Adventures-Polyamory-ebook/dp/B00R07TZQ6/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1422488473&sr=8-1&keywords=my+life+on+the+swingset

    Image courtesy of Cooper Beckett

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  • Try the New Compersion: Jealousy Be Gone!

    Try the New Compersion: Jealousy Be Gone!

     

    Tired of those nagging jealous emotions you can’t seem to shed?

    Ready for a new emotion?  Then try the new and improved, emotional response called “compersion”.  It’s so new it’s not even in the Internet dictionary yet.

    So why am I jealous?  As a poly believing, free love kind of Leather-woman, I practice and teach adults to explore their kink, fetish, or other expressions of expanded sexuality and loving.  But that green monster can ruin a hot dungeon scene every time.

    Jealousy has caused many of my relationships to crash and burn.  I honestly don’t know when love changes to possessiveness, but it does.  After one ex-boyfriend decided to date my room-mate, my response moved into violent attack mode.  Thank goodness the internal rage also temporarily blinded me, so all I could literally see was red, and I was frozen in my tracks.  That gave me time to think, calm down, walk away, and find a new place to live.

    I would prefer another emotion than the one that beats up my heart and mind like a bronchitis attack.  Jealousy has a way of kidnapping my time and energy in directions I don’t want to go.  I recall the rush of unpleasant emotions that made my stomach knot up, my hand forming a fist, words spewing forth I would regret — all part of the cycle I wanted to break.  But how could I break free of the green stain?

    With the divorce rate in America comfortably above 50%, partnering for life is no longer the norm.  I needed another emotion that could keep up with our societal change.  At a polyamory meetup, I was introduced to the word: compersion, the antithesis to jealousy.  Here’s the Wiki on compersion:

    “Compersion is a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual’s current or former romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest.  This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion.”

    Nice concept, but the million-dollar question is, how can I be happy when MY old lover is loving someone else?  Then I remembered the C.S. Lewis book, The Four Types of Love.  Lewis defined the following types of love: Agape, Philia, Eros, and Storge.  I’ve paraphrased his concepts:

    Agape is the spiritual love you have that comes from your beliefs.  Philia is the bond of friendship.
  Eros is the emotional intimacy we share in a relationship.  (Venus is described as the “Fifth Love” and is the passion and energy of sexual exchange, its trademark being a temporary state of experience, like orgasm and infatuation.)

    There is another more powerful love that helps to explain the ability to convert jealousy into compersion:

    Storge is the familial love of parent to child.  Storge can be more powerful than all the others combined.  It’s the type of love that gives a parent superhuman strength to lift a car to save a child’s life.

    Compersion suggests that if we can adjust our thinking, heal our emotions, we can celebrate our partner, lover, spouse, or ex’s happiness in another relationship.  We can replace jealousy with joy.

    You also receive extra feelings of contentment and maturity with every use of compersion.  Like when your child goes off to school for the first time or the last, (hopefully) away to college.  There is pride of being a part of making that success happen.  And I like being a part of someone’s success.

    Jealousy can hold me in this knee jerk reaction of anger, hurt, and then retribution.  By reminding myself that the experience has passed, I can change my thoughts.  If that doesn’t work, then I remember why the relationship needed to end in the first place and my head clears, fist relaxes and I can look for the good of this new coupling and let the joy of compersion build in me.

    Now have I done it?  Not every time, but I’m working on it.  It’s not like one day you wake up compersed.  It’s the art of letting go of past anger that takes time and practice.  And when I have a surge of emotions that race up to my brain and fist at the same time, I acknowledge the emotion and look at it.  I then look at where I want my emotions to be and go there.  No need to replay the old tapes.  My heart calms, pulse slows, teeth unclench, and I can think without anger.  I take a deep breath, let compersion in, and make a choice to celebrate my (ex) lover’s new relationship and wish them well.  It’s that simple and that difficult.  But the end result is my joy and happiness and I’m definitely worth the effort.

    Cover image courtesy of Shutterstock

  • You Have More than One Partner? : An Intro to Non-Monogamy

    You Have More than One Partner? : An Intro to Non-Monogamy

    Girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, and wives, generally when we picture these relationships in our minds, we think of them as including just two partners.  Ah, but that’s where we may benefit from expanding our lovey imaginations.  These types of “typical” boyfriend-girlfriend, girlfriend-girlfriend, and boyfriend-boyfriend etc. relationships are called monogamous relationships.  However there are several other relationship styles that people choose to participate in that include more than two partners, these are called non-monogamous relationships.

    When someone says they are in a non-monogamous relationship, that could mean one of several things.  They could be in a casual, open, swinging, polygamist, or polyamorous relationship.  There are several other variations of non-monogamous relationships, but for the purposes of this article, we will just stick to these five common types.  Everyone has different definitions to go along with these types of commitments, but here is a general definition break down of all the ways people get their lovin’:

    Monogamous – Most of us are pretty familiar with this one, but just to be clear…a monogamous relationship is a sexually and emotionally exclusive relationship between two partners where there is an agreement that the partners will be committed to each other and have no outside partners.  If there are outside partners, this is generally considered cheating or being unfaithful.

    Casual – Generally, there is no sexual, emotional or romantic commitment in casual relationships.  However, there is at least an emotional or sexual bond or attraction between the partners.  In short, the partners get along together really well and are sexually and/or emotionally compatible; they just don’t expect commitment from each other.

    Open – This relationship style is a bit more flexible such that its definition can change depending on the couple.  A good rule of thumb definition is this: an open relationship is between two partners who have decided that they will both have outside sexual partners while remaining emotionally exclusive with each other.  Some choose to have a “don’t ask don’t tell” or a “not in our house/bed” policy about their outside partners, but again it depends on the couple.  Also, things such as STDs/STIs and sexual safety concerns are also generally talked about regularly within open relationships.

    Swinging – Can sometimes be known as “partner swapping” and/or a social activity, where a committed couple has decided to have sex with other single partners or couples; sexually engaging with these outside couples generally happens as a couple.  Often, swinger couples find like-minded play partners through swinger meet up groups or websites.

    Polygamy – This type of relationship has seen a lot of attention lately through the reality shows such as Sister Wives or My Five Wives. Polygamy generally consists of one person (typically this person is a male) who has married several spouses (generally females), this specific type of polygamy is called polygyny (man marrying multiple women).  A rarer form of polygamy is polyandry (woman marrying multiple men).

    Polyamory – This may be the most complex of the non-monogamous relationships because polyamory tends to take on more of a fluid/flexible approach to relationships, while also having its own set of boundaries.  Simply, polyamory can involve an individual who has multiple sexual/emotional/intimate partners with none of those partners taking priority over the others.  Another form of polyamory includes primary and secondary partners; where a couple is each other’s primary partner, and both of them date secondary partners.  Of course, there is the possibility of primary partners becoming secondary partners and vice versa, or having an intermingling of lovers and partners.

    There you have it, your first introduction and glimpse into different types of non-monogamous relationships.  Gives a new meaning to the more the merrier, yeah?

    Nicole Nelson, Freelancer