SimplySxy

Tag: Parenting

  • How does a young unmarried lady prepare for Pregnancy?

    How does a young unmarried lady prepare for Pregnancy?

    When a young, unmarried lady gets pregnant, people naturally assume that it was unplanned.  My first pregnancy at age 22, however, was never an accident; it was mutually planned by me and my then boyfriend, Matt.  We talked it over one day and we both assured each other that if we were going to have a child then we were ready for it.  We trust that we had maximized our youth and that we were already primed for a new and more matured threshold in life—as parents and having our own family.  It was a mutual decision to stop using contraceptives and allow what will happen to happen.  We both believed that contrary to our youth and naivety, we were prepared for the big life-changing responsibility of becoming parents because we were going to stand by it together.

    With all the possible symptoms present, I anticipated that I was already pregnant.  I took a pregnancy test on September 30, 2011, a couple of days after my delayed menstrual period and the results came out positive.  Those two lines made me smile – a smile that I never had before and one that I will never forget in my entire life.  I was thrilled and happy at the thought of another living individual inside of me who shares the same heartbeat as mine.

    Filled with eagerness, I went to Matt’s basketball practice at the Regional Science High School that afternoon and showed him the PT result.  He looked at it and asked me what it meant, with eyes hopeful that it would verify the question he had inside his head.  I smiled sheepishly and nodded at him.  He then threw that overrated question, “Positive?” and I confirmed it with successive nods.  We smiled at each other, fancying the thought that we were going to become parents soon—I at 22 and Matt at 24 years old.

    As I was about to leave the basketball court, I got caught in a somewhat fantasy world when I heard him said aloud, “I love you” to me in front of a huge crowd.  I was stunned for a while.  I felt butterflies in my stomach.  The moment I knew I was not dreaming was when I saw Matt smiling handsomely at me.  For someone who is not vocal and does not like public attention made, that moment epic and priceless, truly delighted my heart.

    My pregnancy did not quite sink in until later that night.  We conversed about how we were going to start saving for our family and what precautions we needed to do should my pregnancy become delicate.  We had love and adornment in our relationship, and a baby on the way. Matt was very protective about my pregnancy.  I had my fair share of emotional turmoil but amidst it all, he did his best in being patient with me.  We came out stronger after every trial and aside from ourselves, our baby became our strength.

    We went to our first OB Gyne check-up and I was very pleased that he was there with me.  I could not really explain the feeling but it was heartwarming knowing that he wanted to become a hands-on father.  My doctor confirmed that I was 11 weeks pregnant at that time. We heard our baby’s heartbeat for the first time and that moment was so surreal that I laughed.  At the same time, I felt like crying too.  I had “life” inside of me; “life” made out of Matt and I.

    I was not scared of becoming a parent.  In fact, I was very excited about it.  I had already enjoyed my life prior to my anticipated motherhood. I had nothing to be ashamed about because I had a decent job, I was earning quite fairly, I lived with the father of my child and we had plans of getting married before I gave birth.  I did not have to prove anything to our audience and I was certain that Matt feels the same way as well.

    My pregnancy marked a new chapter of our lives together and I knew that we were going to make it work.  We were going to make our child proud and make sure that we live up to the kind of person that s/he would like to become someday.

    Image courtesy of MorgueFile
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  • “Shhh! There Are Children Present.”

    “Shhh! There Are Children Present.”

    A funny thing happened at yoga.

    I’ve been taking Marcia (9) and Cindy (7) to yoga with me.  I agree with author Peggy Orenstein that it’s a wonderful practice for young girls.  My daughters seem to like it and the other participants seem to enjoy the youth factor and aren’t the least bit curmudgeonly… or so I thought.

    Yesterday, the intention from the instructor was for fathers since this is Father’s Day weekend.  She talked about fathers and their roles and the love of a father etc etc.  I was in my own head at the time, but when we were warming up our spines in cat stretch pose she mused that the very first father cat knocked up the mother cat many years ago.  An older woman admonished the instructor out loud that there were children present.  The instructor was a bit confused, she must not have realized what she could have said in that moment that could have been offensive because she said “I’m sorry?” and the woman repeated “there are children present”.  As it was, neither of my girls heard the instructor’s comment and now wanted me to tell them what just happened.  I leaned over to Cindy and told her, “that woman didn’t want the instructor to say that the father cat knocked up the mother cat because you guys are here. Knocked up is another way to say got pregnant”.  Cindy, now
    in downward facing dog pose, just slowly shook her head in mild amusement.  The instructor giggled after she saw me lean over to Cindy and asked incredulously, “Did you just tell her?!” Trying to regain the peace in the room quickly, I simply nodded yes.

    This situation really amazed me.  Such an innocent comment WHICH NEITHER CHILD HEARD prompted someone to pierce the peace and serenity of the group with such sex negativity.  Even if they had heard the comment, my girls didn’t know what the term “knocked up” meant yet.  It was an adult projecting their own sex-obsessed thinking onto what children should or shouldn’t know.

    Just think how much work we would have to do every minute of every day if we worked to censor everything that has a sexual meaning or connotation.  I can’t imagine that.  I think it’s best to talk about it and make it all a non-issue.  Sex is there.  Everywhere.  It’s present at the grocery store at the checkout aisle in the magazines.  It’s on TV in the ads during the sporting events they watch with dad.  It’s in the way teenagers dress (namely teenage girls) when we pass them on the way to school in the morning.  Plus, what would be accomplished by censoring?

    A wise colleague, Paul Johannides, who authored the book The Guide to Getting it On, recently wrote that sex education has evolved into sex prevention.  As parents and adults who deal with children and their little persona’s and who want our children to grow up into sexually healthy adults, sex PREVENTION is not the route we should be going. Can anyone argue with that?

    This article has been republished with permission from Lanae St.John. Please visit Lanae St.John’s website  to view the original post and more of Lanae’s works.

    Images courtesy of Shutterstock.

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  • You Are Your Child’s Main Sex Educator – Are You Doing Your Job?

    You Are Your Child’s Main Sex Educator – Are You Doing Your Job?

    Parents are the primary sex educators to their children.  This is the case regardless of your choices as a parent.  Even if you pointedly choose not to talk about sex and sexuality, your choice is sending clear and persistent messages to your child.

    Some parents secretly hope that everything will take care of itself in time.  They figure that we all managed to make it somehow, with or without the intervention of our awkward parents, and thus so will their kids.  Sometimes this is a conscious decision (“we don’t talk about things like that in my family”), but most of the time, it’s avoidance by default.  Given the sensitive nature of the topic and the uncertainty around good parenting practices regarding sexuality, this is more than understandable.

    It’s possible that a child finds their way to self-acceptance, accurate knowledge, confidence, guilt-free pleasure, respect for others, and a sense of responsibility all by themselves.  Actually, the chances of this would be good if the world was neutral about sex and sexuality, and children were free to develop and explore by their innate curiosities and motivations.  But, this is nothing like the world we live in.  Our world is full of messages about sex, many of them driven by consumerist interests (“sex sells”), many of them exploitative, hurtful, and profane, and many of them debase and distort the truth.  More and more, these messages are directed at children.  And even the ones that are meant for adults are saturating children constantly.  Thus, if it’s important to you that your child grows up sexually healthy, don’t leave it up to chance.

    So, are you doing your job as a sex educator?  Here is a basic job description.

    1.  Have Many Little Talks – and Listen.  Forget the Big Talk – it’s an out-dated model and is perhaps the biggest mistake that parents can make.  The classic Big Talk involves giving a lot of information all at once (usually about how babies are made, and cautions about some combination of boys, girls, pregnancy, diseases, dating, love, and relationships).

    Why is it so bad?  It loads up the conversation with a sense that sexuality is terrifying and awful, and more often than not the parent’s own anxieties and discomforts speak louder than anything they’re saying.  The messages that the Big Talk (and otherwise silence) give are: I dread this topic. I’m just doing this to get it over with. Don’t come to me with your problems or questions. (And yes, the message is still “don’t talk to me” even if you emphatically say “talk to me any time!” during your Big Talk).

    Instead, have multiple, little talks. Integrate information as well as your values into everyday conversations – what sex educators call “teachable moments”.  See someone pregnant on the street?  Talk to your 8 year-old about babies.  Find out what they know, think, and feel.  On your way to a family wedding?  Ask your 5 year-old about love and relationships; share your own stories.  School dance coming up?  Ask your 14 year-old whether their peers are dating, what is normal for their friend groups, say what your feelings and limits for them are.

    Keep conversations light.  While you ought to share and teach your values, don’t use Little Talks only as opportunities to reprimand or interrogate.  Their purpose is to create a two-way flow of information, which means that you should be listening as much as you’re talking.  When the time comes to have a difficult conversation (if it ever does), you will have made it easier and safer for your child to share.

    2.  Use the Correct Words.  By this I mean the scientific words – like vulva, penis, masturbation, etc.  This is a simple way of communicating openness, and minimizing the cultural biases of certain words and ideas.  It may feel stilted at first, if this is not your usual practice. But a bit of initial awkwardness will save you from the even more awkward silence when baby words no longer seem appropriate and a transition is necessary.  It also, as research repeatedly shows, empowers young people about their bodies.  Taking shame away from their words will take shame away from their private parts, and make it that much easier for them to say “do not touch me”, “I don’t like it”, or “back off” when it counts.

    3.  Nurture Wonder and Curiosity.  Aside from giving facts and sharing values about sex and sexuality, don’t forget to also talk about things that are wondrous and fun for children to know.  For example: humans are mammals and reproduce like cats, chimpanzees, pandas, and otters; the egg (ovum) is the largest human cell, and the sperm is the smallest; falling in love creates real, biological changes in the brain; some animals couple for life and others don’t; many species of animals have more than two genders.  These bits of information don’t have to be sex-specific.  In fact, it is better if they are mixed in with non-sexual things.  After all, the purpose is to create a sense of wonder about the natural world, including the human body and human relationships.  The more integrated sex and sexuality information is, the more it actually reflects reality and deconstructs taboo and shame.

    4.  Learn and Unlearn.  Accurate and positive information about sex and sexuality is hard to come by, and most of us have been fed a lot of misinformation about sex and sexuality.  As someone else’s sex educator, your skills need constant upgrading.  Read articles, have conversations, ask questions, and do your research.  Particularly, if a topic strikes fear into your heart, or especially angers you, look into it.  There’s nothing that shuts down conversation more than an incensed parent who is themselves shut down and not listening.

    This also means that you may have to do some soul-searching and making peace with your past. So often, the things that parents are most fearful about come from their own negative experiences.  While it’s important to pass on the wisdom you’ve earned from your own mistakes, it’s not fair to unload disproportionate amounts of fear, guilt, or shame onto your children.  Be accountable for your own “stuff” – unlearn what is not accurate or realistic, so you can make room for new learning.

    5.  Evolve – the Meaning of Things Change.  Sexuality, like much of human relations and psychosocial existence, is cultural.  To name a few examples: the meaning of holding hands has changed over time; the acceptability of nudity varies family to family, culture to culture; the gravity of divorce and break-ups continues to evolve worldwide; and the appropriateness of asking someone out via texting and SMS depends largely on age group.  Which is to say, there is no inherent meaning in any one event, activity, or bodily condition.  They mean what we make them mean.

    For parents, this is important to know because the world you grew up in is not the world today.  Add to that experiences of migration and rapid globalization, and you can guarantee that you and your child will understand some things very differently.  Among these could be: dating, sexual experience, same sex relationships, virginity, marriage, co-habitation, tattoos, revealing clothing, sexually suggestive dancing, abortion, talking about sex, having a doctor who is a of different sex, swearing and foul language, drinking, recreational drugs, religious practice, parenthood, and an endless more.

    If you aspire to be a parent who is both principled and realistic, both an anchor and a sounding board to your child, then you must find a balance between your world of meaning and theirs.  Before you bar your 4 year-old from touching their genitals, your 17 year-old from getting a tattoo, or your 13 year-old from showing her bra strap through her off-the-shoulder top, consider what your underlying values and motivations are, and what decisions and actions they translate to today.  If what you want is to teach privacy and good manners, it might be better to say, “that’s something you do in private, in your room”, instead of shaming a youngster from self-pleasure (which is perfectly healthy).  If what you want is for your child to belong and to be well-received, it may be that the tattoo he gets is on a body part not usually revealed in office wear.  If you want to affirm self-respect and safety, it may be that you de-emphasize the importance of a daughter’s physical appearance (including comments about her weight and body), emphasize her other strengths, and bolster her abilities to set boundaries and entitlement to bodily autonomy.

    No parent is perfect, and you don’t need to be a perfect parent to set the stage for your child’s self-acceptance, confidence, and positive attitude.  What’s for sure, though, is that it won’t happen by accident.  There are countless things that demand your patience, effort, and courage as a parent, and your child’s sex education is one of the most important ones.  Your peace of mind, and their social, psychological, and physical well-being, will be well worth it.

  • Vaccinate your Teenager against Unwanted Pregnancy and Sexually Transmitted Diseases

    Vaccinate your Teenager against Unwanted Pregnancy and Sexually Transmitted Diseases

    With internet pornography and lack of healthy sexuality, a growing number of teens and young adults get most of their sex education from watching Pornography. 

    As a parent would you like your child to learn about sex from other teenagers?

    Parents can now vaccinate their children against unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease with information!

    What makes this such a problem in Singapore is the generation gap between traditional views of sex on one side and the availability of pornography to teenagers on the other side.

    Parents are not comfortable talking openly about sex with their children and by the time the kids turn into teenagers, they have gotten most of their information from other teenagers or internet porn and not from mom or dad.

    “A survey was conducted in Singapore about the growing number of teenagers having unsafe sex.  The survey stated that because of a lack of knowledge among young people it could lead to dangerous behaviour that puts them at risk of unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections.  The incidence of sexually transmitted infections among teens rose from 238 cases in 2002 to 787 last year.”

    Parents need to learn how to talk to their children about sex when they are young, starting out with age appropriate materials done in a positive way.  The biggest challenge that most parents have is their own embarrassment with talking about sex.  One way to combat this embarrassment is to view it as knowledge that will vaccinate their children against unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases that could save their lives.

    Knowledge is power, and the more positive information that children learn about their own bodies, then they are less curious about searching for information that can be damaging or dangerous leading to unsafe sex.  Not talking about healthy sexuality or shaming a child for talking about sex is the most dangerous message that a parent can give to their child and teenagers!

    The process starts when a child is younger and curious about their own bodies, a parents’ feedback is crucial.  Never put negative connotations on a child’s body, use correct terminology, and call a penis a penis or a vagina a vagina.  When a parent sees a child touch themselves, don’t shame them, but understand that they don’t know the difference between scratching their arm or touching their penis/vagina.  Telling them to stop or saying something negative is only going to shame them or make them feel bad about their body.

    As children turn into teenagers, talk to them about sex, to respect their own bodies and if they have sexual urges to masturbate, it is the safest form of sex on the planet.  Talk to them about contraception, sexually transmitted diseases.  Explain to teenagers that touching, hugging and kissing can be fun, but that it does not have to lead to sex, and saying no is alright and if they say yes, to use a condom.  Prepare them for war and give then the armour that they need to survive!

    Parents have the belief that if they talk about sex with their kids, then they are telling them that it is alright to have it, and by not talking to them about it means they won’t have it…..WRONG! 

    With that belief, a parent has just sent his/her child out into the world naked, not prepared and will most likely end up being a victim of an early sexual encounter, learning about sex from other teens and porn.  Those are the teens that have the highest incidence of unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease!

    Vaccinate your child with knowledge about healthy sexuality, the odds are that your child will not be among the odds but safe!

  • “A funny thing happened on the way to the Rec Center”…

    “A funny thing happened on the way to the Rec Center”…

    As a mom, I occasionally read the posts in the forums of my local mom’s club.  One struck me yesterday and I was moved to respond.  Here is the question:

    “Horrified by tween conversation–Warning TMI–what should I have done?

    I was walking in to the front door of the gym at the community center with my 14-month old and right outside the door was a group of about 5 kids who looked 12ish. Without any regarding for me, my baby, or the other young children running around outside one of the girls (all nice looking kids) was saying very loudly, “I have not given any hand jobs.” Then one of the boys said. “Bull #$%&! I know you. You’ve sucked tons of C#%&s!” And they went on like that and were still doing so as I walked inside. I was so shocked and disturbed, I felt that I should say or do something, but didn’t. Should I have, and what, or am I just an old mom who should mind her own business?”

    I think it’s a great question and is something that can happen to any of us regardless of geographic area.  Here is my response to these mothers  (edited from original form for flow and a small part in brackets added now):

    I’m less concerned about the 14-month-old hearing language like that. This child has no context and it will go over his/her head.

    It sounds to me like these kids were posturing for the adult’s benefit to some extent. Remember showing off for others at that age? They sound like they were using language (and volume) like that to shock more than anything else. It’s rather immature.

    That being said, there is a definite shift these days to sexual behavior happening earlier and earlier. For as much as these girls are talking about the behaviors they perform on the boys my question is this: What are they getting out of it? In my opinion, all of the abstinence only before marriage sex education out there keeps sex impersonal and simply as reproductive biology. It is up to us as mothers to explain to our children the love and caring component of sex and sexuality. And that sexual behaviors have an effect on us emotionally as well as physically. Not to mention the STI risks.

    Recall your youth carefully. How old were you when you had your first kiss? Do you recall the age you first experimented sexually… with yourself… with others? Lots of us have successfully blocked this stuff out of our memories. There is enough shame, guilt, and embarrassment around sex that we tend to cut ourselves off.  [I know plenty of women who did not know enough about themselves and what they liked or wanted until they were well into their 30’s.  Was this you too?  Do you yet feel comfortable asking for what you want from your partner?]

    We forget that sex is a natural human behavior because we automatically think it’s not for kids. It’s not for young children obviously, but when the average age for first intercourse is 16 and the average age of first marriage is 25, it may be a bit idealistic to assume teens are not “sexually active” until marriage. Were you active before you got married? This is where it is so important to be talking to our kids early and often about sex related topics, making sure to give honest and accurate information along with our own values about sex. Kids know where our buttons are, and if this topic is one for you, they are gonna push it – maybe even in public.

    I realize at this point that I have not answered the initial question “Should I have [said something] and what, or am I just an old mom who should mind her own business?”  If you feel that strongly to speak up by all means do so.  Next time you hear this you could say something along the lines of… “If you have sucked tons of cocks, I sure hope you all are using condoms to protect yourselves.”  It’s fear based (STI’s) which is an approach to sex ed that I’m not a fan of and I’m less likely to go there if I say anything. And worry less about saying the “bad words” because I’m sure these teens have heard them all and worse since probably 4th grade. They’re using them aren’t they? You’re not telling them anything they don’t already know.

    I prefer a more sex positive, pleasure based response that will get that girl thinking about what she’s getting out of it (which as we know is nothing, amiright ladies? just kidding).  I think I would walk past the girl and say indirectly, “If you have sucked tons of cocks, I sure hope you are getting some pleasure out of it too.” But that’s me and talking about this topic has become second hand.  I’m sure that sounds shocking, and I’m guessing it’s because some of you are not comfortable with the idea of teens and sex and pleasure. (<–Could that be why you were so shocked and disturbed?).  I do think this sort of response shocks them back when they hear you using “their” terminology and also shocks because you are acknowledging the fact that they are sexual beings and not treating them as “kids”.  It’s also going to embarrass them a bit if they are “good kids”.

    As far as going to the officials inside that will have limited effect in my opinion.  They aren’t sex educators nor can they be expected to monitor the conversation of all teens in and around the facility.

    This is very difficult stuff. I get that. I have two young daughters too. I want to do everything I can to raise my girls to be sexually healthy, happy adults and I think taking the sting out of these behaviors by talking about them in the context of a loving, committed relationship is, in my opinion, the best. And besides, I’d rather have my daughters have their first orgasm on their own and take responsibility for their own sexuality than expect it to come from someone else.

    I think it is important to note:  the LACK of information to your children about sex *is* still sending them a very powerful message. Especially when it’s not there to counteract all the misinformation out there readily available to them.  Talk to them early and often using age appropriate accurate info and facts.  Make sure to talk with them about your values as well.  Most kids understand more than we are ever willing to give them credit for.  Most kids do still look up to their parents despite how independent they want to be and I’m sure they will appreciate straight talk.

    This article has been republished with permission from Lanae St.John. Please visit Lanae St.John’s website  to view the original post and more of Lanae’s works.

  • Dating, Love, and Sex – A Triple Threat For Most Parents

    Dating, Love, and Sex – A Triple Threat For Most Parents

    Marcia, who is now in fourth grade, has a crush on a kid in her class!  And so it begins…

    If you are a parent, I’m sure you get more than a little nervous thinking about your children growing up and starting to date and falling in love.  If you are like me, you probably also get nervous thinking about these kids one day having sex.  I know this is inevitable.  I cannot stop my children from doing or experiencing anything.  And, really, neither can you.  What you and I CAN do is inform ourselves; educate ourselves so we don’t deprive our children of information they need to make critical decisions of their own.

    There are plenty of varying attitudes on this topic.  Plenty of people, some dads I know too, voice the “Not on MY watch” mindset.  Others share a “Be good.  If you can’t be good, be careful.  If you can’t be careful, don’t name it after me.” philosophy.  Yet most people, upon deeper discussion, recognize both of these attitudes are not helpful to their child.  Children need to hear real information: aka The Truth.  I also think it is critical to share your own values around dating, sex, and love.  For example, Let’s say you are the mother of a daughter and you think girls should not call boys.  This could be a source for future conflict if you take a hard line.  Perhaps she needs to call a boy classmate to get clarity on a class assignment.  How will you react?  Would that be okay?  Will it cause a fight?  Perhaps you could agree that this would be ok but that you would prefer to leave it up to the boy to ask her out.  Make sure you tell her that some people might do things differently but this is what you value.  The other approach doesn’t make it wrong, just different.

    Most parents, not surprisingly, wish to protect their children from the potential pain, shame, hurt, embarrassment, etc, etc of dating and love.  We all know the depiction of an over protective father holding a shotgun, threatening any date who dares to try the sexual things he himself did when he was younger.  Let’s think about this model:  Is this the right message?  How will our daughters perceive it?  Will our daughters be humiliated with embarrassment?  Angered by the lack of trust?  Would it send fear into the boy so he keeps his hands to himself or would it inspire the daughter to be rebellious?  Perhaps we experienced these things as young people — think back to when you and your peers were young: Chances are you or some of your classmates were already doing sexual things at a young age; would you would freak out if your kids were doing those same things?  Have you started hyperventilating yet?

    As an educator, I want to make sure I give my kids information about sexually transmitted Infections (STIs) and pregnancy prevention but I also want to be Sex Positive.  Let me back up and offer a definition.  For those of you who do not know what Sex Positive is, it’s “an attitude towards human sexuality that regards all consensual sexual activities as fundamentally healthy and pleasurable, and encourages sexual pleasure and experimentation”.  The first part of this is what I wish to address now.  The second part is what we will address later – over time naturally as they get older and as the topic comes up and as the teens age.  There is already enough out there that is sex negative and scary.  I don’t want sex to be scary to my children because I know it can be enjoyable. Most sex education programs teach simply reproductive biology, and STI/Pregnancy prevention.  I also want to make sure my kids learn stuff related to sex and sexuality that is NOT taught in a traditional Abstinence Only Before Marriage Sex Education program.  If these are not taught in schools, then where do our kids learn these important things?

    In Europe, they tie sex to love and statistics show it is a WHOLE lot more effective than the abstinence only before marriage sex education programs here in America. Recently Slate.com, published a slide show with some interesting data:

    The first time they had sex, 64 percent of Dutch teens used birth control, compared with only 26 percent of American teens. Most of the time, the Dutch teens used pills.  Think about it for a minute: The majority of Dutch teens are making an appointment, going to a clinic, getting a prescription filled and starting birth control before they have sex.  Meanwhile, in the United States, the average time between first having sex and first making a family-planning visit is almost two years.  Here, 70 percent of school-based health clinics are forbidden from providing condoms or other birth control, even as 80 percent of them are busy diagnosing STDs and pregnancy.

    In addition, almost half of the Dutch kids used both condoms for STD protection and the pill or another like method for birth control. This even has a nickname: “Double Dutch!” Only 17 percent of American kids protected themselves this way.

    As a parent, I want to tie sex and pleasure together.  I’ve recently blogged about sex and love and how that is a bit of a set up for girls to “give it up” when they think they are in love or that their partner is in love with them.  Either way, there has to be talk about pleasure and love.  If you keep it clinical and don’t acknowledge the nuances, you are missing an incredible opportunity to connect with your child.  They need to know your honest experiences so they can understand where you are coming from.  And so they can avoid your mistakes as well.  It’s a way of imparting knowledge, which, combined with their own experiences, will help them gain wisdom.

    I’ve also blogged about dating as a single mother.  I am hoping my experiences are helping my daughters develop healthy views on dating and love.  I am hoping to model positive behavior to them, including learning from when and if I stumble.  If that happens and I can make it age appropriate, I will sit down with them to go through a post-mortem of sorts.  I’ve been doing this and as a result of this open dialogue, we are strengthening the protective feelings for one another. Once not too long ago, Marcia said to me, “Mom, if he doesn’t see that you are a good person, then he doesn’t deserve to be with you.” Aaaaand she’s 9 years old.  I was absolutely blown away by that statement and have tried to encourage her to remember that for when she gets older. I think we all have a unique perspective to offer to our children.  For those of you who are married (or in a steady, committed relationship) you have a wonderful opportunity to model loving, affectionate, caring, communicative relationships.  I believe very strongly that children learn what they live.  Let’s help them live in happiness and love.

    We are all trying to protect our children; That is our job as parents.  Your approach may be entirely different and that’s ok.  But ultimately this is about communication and providing our children with as much truthful information about dating, love, and sex as possible.  For you parents of older kids, would you be willing to share any successes and failures you and your kids experienced?

    Copyright © 2011 The MamaSutra

  • Talk To Your Kids About Sex Before Someone Else Does

    Talk To Your Kids About Sex Before Someone Else Does

    My kids get a bit confused when they hear stories about the lies we tell children about sex to “protect” them.  They just don’t understand what the big deal is.

    A few months back, I was reading an article about sex (shocker, I know…).  Marcia was looking over my shoulder at what I was reading and asked what the article was about.  I told her some people would prefer to shield their children from sex and sexual images because they think it’s inappropriate for them to know and instead tell their kids things like a stork brings a newborn baby.  She asked me why would they do that. I told her even though sex is a natural part of being human, there are lots of people who are uncomfortable talking about it, and think if you talk about it with kids then the kids will want to go out and do it.  And as a result, it has an impact on the ability of some people to give accurate information when they talk to their children about sex.

    To give Marcia an example of a child getting incorrect information, I told her about an episode of the TV show “Mad Men” this last season where Don Draper’s grade school aged daughter Sally says she knows what sex is and that the adult in the conversation doesn’t correct the misinformation because the topic is uncomfortable.  Here is the dialogue from the episode “The Chrysanthemum And The Sword” between Sally Draper and her babysitter:

    SD: “Are you and daddy doing it?”
    The babysitter (shocked): “What?!”
    SD (boldly): “I know what it is. I know that the man pees inside the woman.”
    Babysitter (concerned): “Where did you hear that?”
    SD: “A girl at school.”
    Babysitter: “You should talk to your mommy.”
    SD (sadly): ”I don’t want to.”

    After I told Marcia this story, she said to me, “That’s what the kids at school say! They say that the man pees inside the woman when they have sex!”.  Marcia was in 3rd grade when she heard this; two whole grades before this topic is even addressed in the curriculum at her school.  One thing to realize: at this young, prepubescent age urine IS the only thing that comes out of the penis so it is understandable that kids think that.  Understandable, but not excusable.  I was surprised at this outburst of new information and clarified to make sure she knew that’s not what happens.  Whew.  I’d totally lose all of my sex educator street cred if she did believe that!

    Now, I know Mad Men is a fictional TV show set in the 1960’s.  I understand this is pretty accurate for how sex and sexuality was approached back then but it makes me sad to think that almost 50 years later there are still many parents who are not much more engaging or forthcoming than in this make-believe interaction.

    The conversation in this TV show very well could be a conversation in real life today. Here is a little girl who is bold enough to say she understands more than she is being told and wants to talk about it.  Asking a question about the source of this “information” instead of correcting the misinformation makes it seem as if the information is correct.  As I said before, not correcting misinformation is in itself a message.

    It is not the babysitter’s job to discuss sex with the child — it could have been an aunt, a cousin, or another adult — but in any case, it most definitely would be up to them to tell the parent(s).  Giving a play-by-play might be embarrassing but the parent absolutely needs to hear that the child is asking so things can be discussed.  It is in this moment when the child starts asking that a parent should be open and ready to answer questions or at least be comfortable with saying, “I don’t know, but let’s find out together.”

    Something to note here: do not be angry, offended, hurt or any other emotion if your child starts the conversation about sex with someone other than you.  It doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t trust you or feel comfortable talking to you.  Perhaps the timing or situation was just right to ask, but take the opportunity now yourself to sit down together.  When you do, please make sure you try to find a basic, matter of fact voice to use…one where there is no judgement or bias.

    I was chatting with a few other moms recently and we got into the conversation about how and when to start talking to your kids about sex.  I related to them what I did, and what seemed to work for my children as a starter.  Of course, you’ve heard me say it before, I do not believe in “The Talk” as a one-time event; It’s an ongoing conversation. Anyway, years ago, when my children were maybe 3 and 5 years old, we sat down with a book on sex and sexuality (more along the lines of “where do babies come from”).  I read the book ahead of time so I would know, while we were reading and one of them had a question, if that answer would be addressed in the book or not… and also to know where in the book to skip ahead to if needed.  I personally sat down with both of my daughters together; I know some parents cringe at the idea of having a younger sibling listen in.  I’m sure to some extent Cindy absorbed that it was an intimate conversation and I was willing to have it.  I do believe she just enjoyed the sound of my voice because she was too young, she wasn’t so interested in the topic at the time, and it all just went over her head.  Marcia on the other hand, soaked it in like a sponge.

    If your kids are already hitting puberty, don’t worry if you haven’t already started the conversations.  Just start now.  One way to start is this talk is not just penis in vagina/bird and bees stuff.  Start with puberty, you know, the changes that their bodies are going/going to go through.  There’s a lot of stuff happening to these little bodies.  Do you recall your first wet dream? Did anyone talk to you before it happened? If not, were you freaked out?  Do you remember your first period?  Did anyone talk to you before it happened?  If not, did you think you were dying?  We can save our children from the fear that is sometimes associated with these mundane, harmless facts of life.

    They probably know more than you think.

    Bottom line, sheltering your children is not helpful to them.  You are not with them all the time and other kids, or movies, etc have a greater amount of influence the older they get.  It is your job as the parent to give your child the tools and information they need to succeed in life.  This is no different.  If you would prefer that your child gets the correct information about sex, then sexuality needs to be discussed and accurate information needs to be shared by you.  I’m sure you don’t want someone else to do it for you.

    This article has been republished with permission from Lanae St.John. Please visit Lanae St.John’swebsite  to view the original post and more of Lanae’s works.

  • If she’s not having fun, you have to stop

    If she’s not having fun, you have to stop

    My training as a sexologist makes me aware of people, things, and situations around me that have a sexual component to them.  The latest is a situation that I’ve observed for a while now and I could not put my finger on it as to why it concerned me.

    Let me explain:

    I have a guy friend who is a divorced dad of a 9-year-old girl.  Evidently, as the daughter was growing up, the two of them became very close because the mom was very sick.  This father/daughter combo is very loving; they sit quietly with each other affectionately and evidently, always have.  She is very protective (possessive?) of her father as he now ventures into the dating scene.  And, like most dads, he is extremely aware of her changing prepubescent body, and nervous about the conversations he will need to have with her about the same.  It’s touching for me to see this relationship really, given that this is not the type of relationship my girls have with their father.

    Well, over time, I have seen that this father/daughter pair wrestles a bit.  You know, playful roughhousing.  She’ll say something to tease him and he’ll quickly swoop in and put his arm around her shoulders and squeeze her in to him and she squeals with pleasure.  Or she’ll give an answer to something that she knows is wrong as they work on homework together and he’ll give her “the Knuckle”, a move that sends her into fits of giggles as he pokes his knuckle into her side or back.

    While I see them when they aren’t being rough, it struck me this past weekend why I’ve been struggling with this roughhousing – he has not started having conversations with her about dating (his own), divorce, love, relationships, puberty, etc, etc. – yet I begin to wonder – will this roughness become a familiar feeling that she will seek out in her adult romantic relationships?  Does she realize she can say “stop”?  There are times when he is pretty rough with her, not that she’s a shrinking violet or anything; she’s not.  She is a confident, happy, seemingly secure little girl.  I’m sure she is thrilled at the 100% attention and affection from her father – what little girl wouldn’t be? But as I wrote in an earlier blog, when we are young adults and even in childhood we are developing what Jack Morin in his book “The Erotic Mind” calls the Core Erotic Theme (CET).

    “Your Core Erotic Theme begins its long evolution during childhood and is first sketched out in fantasies and daydreams you probably don’t remember. Because these early images almost certainly grew out of impulses and interests considered inappropriate for children, they were veiled in secrecy. Even now you probably still keep certain ultra-personal turn-ons–-those that spring from your CET–-hidden from other people and quite possibly even from yourself.”

    Aside from the potential Core Erotic Theme, if I were the dad in this situation, I would have a conversation with my daughter about Consent; that I love her unconditionally and that our roughhousing is play.  Most importantly, that she has permission to say “no thanks” if she’s really not in the mood or “stop” when it’s too much.  I would also tell her that as she gets older she should always feel comfortable speaking up whenever she doesn’t want to be touched.  Whether it’s a slobbery kiss from a grandparent, or tickling from a cousin, or whoever she is playing with, that she should always feel comfortable saying “no” without worrying about hurting the other person’s feelings.  And that whoever she loves and who loves her shouldn’t play rough with her if she doesn’t like it.  Ever.

    To the dad, I will say something.  When I do, I will take a page from a blog I read not that long ago.  The dad tells his two-year old son, who is roughhousing with a little girl/friend, “If she’s not having fun, you have to stop.” Adults should note that a child “doesn’t need to know what sex is or what rape is to know what a partner is. If your partner isn’t having fun, you stop.”

    With my own girls, as they were growing up, anytime we had a tickle fight, I told them that if they ever said “stop” I would stop immediately.  My thinking was, I am much bigger than they are and I never wanted them to feel overpowered or not in control.  It has become a game to them.  If we have a tickle fight, they will giggle and laugh uncontrollably, almost to the point of not being able to breathe, they yell STOP, action stops immediately. Then they smile and say “go”.  And it starts all over again.

    All of this reduces to one incredibly important concept: CONSENT. It is age appropriate – for ANY age – and a solid foundation onto which a parent can build future talks about sex and sexuality.  This is one example of talking to your kids about sex and sexuality in a way that has NOTHING to do with penises or vulvas but is just as important, if not more so.

    xxoo

    2011 The MamaSutra

    This article has been republished with permission from Lanae St.John. Please visit Lanae St.John’swebsite  to view the original post and more of Lanae’s works.

  • Sexual education, is it being done the right way?

    Sexual education, is it being done the right way?

    An article from the Today paper titled “Elderly should get sex education, too” caught my eye and it was quite an interesting read.  There is a growing concern in the increase of sexually-transmitted infections (STI) among persons aged 50 and above. The top 3 common STIs in this age group were gonorrhoea, non-infectious syphilis, and genital herpes.  Various reasons were mentioned for the increase in STIs.  For men, it was the option of commercial sources of sex such as prostitution and less sex with their partners.  For the women, a drop in condom usage as they got older.

    What set me thinking was the point being made in the article that the experts consulted in the study highlighted the urgent need for education and campaigns to be implemented.  Is our society lacking in this aspect of sexual education?  Or are we just blindly rolling out campaigns and ads but not creating an engaging society because sex is still considered taboo?

    Doing some further digging, I found statistics from the 2004 global sex survey done by Durex which stated that the average age a Singaporean youth loses his/her virginity is at the age of 19.  39% of Singaporean youths have unprotected sex, they have sex an average of 79 times a year and have 5.8 partners on average.  Now 39% is a very high number, with almost one in two youths putting themselves at risk of STIs and unwanted pregnancies.  There were other articles online on unprotected sex among youths and all I can say is that Singaporeans are having lots of sex, more than what is published or spoken, the key thing in educating them is to ensure that they are properly informed on the risks of unprotected sex and the ways they can protect themselves.

    Seems like it’s all Singaporeans who need to be educated on safe sex and not just the elderly from the short research I have done.  Let’s start by being more open to discussion about sex at all ages and remove the stigma that sex is something to be kept private.  For instance, people should not be shy to be seen buying condoms or even owning one.  Instead, they should be respected for being responsible not only for themselves but also to their partners by practicing safe sex.

    The full article mentioned can be read in its entirety here: http://www.todayonline.com/singapore/elderly-should-get-sex-education-too

  • INFOG: A Vibrator for Your Teenage Daughter: Keeping Her from Having Sex Too Early and More

    This is an infographic on how to buy a vibrator for your teenage daughter. By doing so, it likely keeps your daughter from having sex too early. Education your daughter reduces the risks of unwanted pregnancies, STDs, and emotional distress among family members. This infographic contains 5 steps to avoid your daughter from having sex too early.

    a-vibrator-for-your-teenage-daughter-keeping-her-from-having-sex-too-early-and-more_519212c628e89

    Explore more infographics like this one on the web’s largest information design community –Visually.