SimplySxy

Tag: non-monogamy

  • What It’s Like Being In An Open Relationship

    What It’s Like Being In An Open Relationship

    My relationship towards sex has evolved over the years, and I fully expect it to change in years to come! With every positive sexual interaction I’ve had, I’ve realized more and more that sex (for me) is about connection in all forms, and someone’s personal reason for seeking connection is not for anyone else to judge.

    Sex can meet your need for love and caring and affection, but it can also be utilized to process grief and anger, to fight loneliness, or to discover, accept, and even love parts of yourself that you can’t indulge in anywhere else. It can be furious, healing, ridiculous, relaxing, whatever is true and authentic for you and your partner(s) in the moment, it’s all valid.

    At this point in my life, having sex is most often a celebration of how deeply I can enjoy myself and others, and I’m grateful for the opportunities to do so!

    Why Non-Monogamy Appeals To Me

    Most importantly, consensual non-monogamy allows for the flexibility to ask for what you want and need from your partner(s), and for your boundaries to adjust with you as you all change and grow. I’ve never been a person who makes choices based on what is most widely accepted, but rather based off of what I want, and what aligns with my own internal moral compass; so the option to curate relationships in a way that feels right to me is essential!

    Open relationships also require you to have confidence in your own inherent value, to be in tune with your emotions, and to keep your communication with your partner(s) open and honest. These skills are incredibly important to me in any relationship, and dating in a non-monogamous way has helped me develop them for myself as well.

    I also choose consensual non-monogamy as a feminist statement. When I am not sexually bound to only one person, it is undeniably clear that I belong to no one. I am a fiercely independent person, and the only person that I want to have ownership over my sexuality is me.

    And yes, open relationships are a lot more work, but they are also a hell of a lot more fun! As someone whose hedonistic side roars quite strongly, it’s essential to me that I be allowed the freedom to follow my impulses when I think it’s safe and appropriate to do so. It’s also fun to reconnect with your partner(s) after a sexy escapade with someone else… sharing some special details can keep the spark in a primary relationship burning brightly, and at the very least it’s almost guaranteed to make you feel grateful to be able to come home to someone who knows and loves you after an exhausting night out.

    Is There A Stigma About Open Relationships?

    Absolutely, there are a ton of biases and misconceptions that people have. Some of the more common negative misunderstandings are:

    – People in open relationships are afraid of commitment

    – Real, trusting, romantic relationships can’t exist without monogamy

    – People in open relationships are wildly promiscuous/hypersexual

    – Open relationships require no boundaries

    – Non-monogamy is inherently immoral or dangerous

    – Having an open relationship increases the likelihood that your partner will leave you

    There are also plenty of people who are open to consensual non-monogamy, but perhaps have misplaced expectations about what that will look like, including:

    – Having an open relationship will fix all issues with my current partner

    – Engaging in non-monogamous dating means that I don’t need to have accountability to my partner(s)

    – I will now always be in competition with other people for my partner’s attention

    Rules In Open Relationships

    The best part about being in an open relationship is that the rules are what you make them! No two non-monogamous relationships are exactly alike, because there is no reinforced, socially accepted structure that everyone is expected to follow. What I usually require is that everyone involved communicates honestly about their needs, comfort levels, and personal boundaries… but I think that would be beneficial in any relationship, monogamous or not.

    Trust in a relationship is built by not only honoring the boundaries that all parties have agreed to, but also being upfront and speaking your mind (in a caring and respectful way) if you’d like those boundaries to change BEFORE acting on any desires.

    Tips For Couples To Explore Open Relationships

    In my personal experience, there must be a base of mutual trust, care, communication, and respect in your relationship before you start including other people in it. If you and your partner are comfortable being vulnerable with each other, asking each other for reassurance, and validating each other’s experiences and emotions, you have a lot of the tools you’ll need to navigate consensual non-monogamy!

    It’s also important to know that, especially at first, choosing to try an open relationship will most likely feel uncomfortable. This does NOT mean that non-monogamy is not for you! Changing up the familiar and stepping outside of your comfort zone is always going to feel weird, probably even painful. It’s up to you to decide how much discomfort you want to try and work through.

    It’s helpful to be extra caring, attentive, and affectionate with your partner during moments of discomfort, and it’s ok to ask for that care in return! Knowing that you and your partner have each other’s best interests at heart, and that you both value the bond you’ve created together, will ease the transitions in your dynamic.

    I would also recommend that if you’re considering opening up your relationship, you not only think about what it will feel like for you to connect with other people, but what it will feel like when your partner does the same. It’s easy to get swept up in the (admittedly hot) fantasies about all the adventures you’re going to have, and forget that you may feel very differently about it when your partner wants to have those same adventures. Don’t create boundaries based only off of your own desires, but also off of how much freedom you feel you can offer your partner without resentment.

    Victoria Lindelle – Victoria is a warm, playful, and elegant provider offering otherworldly companionship in Los Angeles. A life-long lover of sensuality and affection, she strives to always cultivate authentic connections, and to enjoy the best cheese and chocolates life has to offer.

    Follow Victoria Lindelle on

    Website: MissVLindelle.com 

    Twitter: @MissVLindelle

    Email: MissVLindelle@protonmail.ch

    Tours: Victoria is always available to meet new friends in LA, or to fly to you! Inquire via her website

    Article photos from Victoria Lindelle

    Like to be featured on SimplySxy? Drop us an email at editorial@SimplySxy.com!

  • What It’s Like Being Non Monogamous

    What It’s Like Being Non Monogamous

    I think that sex is a great way to connect with others, and relieve tension. Sex is healthy, sex is fun, as long as you are responsible consenting adults! I believe in being free to express yourself in the bedroom. Communication and consent are key, then the fun can begin!

    Why Being Non-Monogamous Appeals To Me

    Personally, polyamory is not for me. For many, they like having more than one partner. Polyamory (many loves)  is multiple full on relationships. For me, I prefer non-monogamy that includes only being sexually open. I like having a primary emotionally committed partner, with sexual openness.

    We are loyal to one another, but play sexually with others. I am a very sexual person and traditional relationships do not meet my sexual needs. I also enjoy watching my partner pleasing and being pleased by others.

    Misconceptions About Non-Monogamy

    Typically people don’t understand the difference between cheating and non-monogamy. I prefer to specify that I practice “ethical” non monogamy. I like to emphasize that I do not condone cheating of any kind. I only practice and condone honest and open non-monogamy where all partners involved are aware.

    What Constitutes Hotwifing & Cuckoldry?

    I am one who gets off on watching my partner with others. Both of these are a type of voyeurism and that is a common fantasy. Cuckolding typically involves humiliation of the person’s partner while they have sex with another. Hotwifing is more the man wants to watch or simply know his partner is being pleased by another man.

    Both of these involve a man with an unfaithful woman though he is turned on by this. I have yet to see much about a woman who likes to do this with her man. There is a term cuckqueening, though it does not seem to be popular in porn or talked about much.

    Tip To Explore Non-Monogamous Relationships

    Do your research. You can learn about other couples experiences online, or read books on non monoamy. There are meet up groups for polyamory or other non-monogamy types. I got my journey started in a polyamory meet up group. The most important thing is to do this for you. Both partners should enjoy it and there should be constant communication. You never know when jealousy can rear it’s ugly head.

    Alana Cruise – I have been a webcam model since 2011. I began porn in 2016 and I love every minute of it. I am a very horny woman who loves seducing younger men, having sex with women, and all kinds of kinkery.

    Follow Alana on

    Twitter: @alanacruisexxx

    Onlyfans: www.onlyfans.com/AlanaCruisexxx

    Live cam: www.myfreecams.com/#AlanaCruise

    Instagram: @AlanaCruise

    Snapchat: AlanaCruise69

    Manyvids: manyvids.com/profile/152233/Alana-Cruise

    Article images courtesy of Alana Cruise

    Like to be featured on SimplySxy? Drop us an email at editorial@SimplySxy.com!

  • Having trouble finding casual sex?

    Having trouble finding casual sex?

    Over on the Good Vibrations Magazine, I received a comment from a woman whose husband travels a lot. The two of them have a non-monogamous relationship and she’s had some difficulty finding casual partners:

    I wanted to address your concept of having casual sex in a positive fashion, and how difficult that seems to be, especially for men. It’s a paradox…most men seem to choose casual sex because they don’t want to have to deal with “relationship” stuff, but if you’re sleeping with someone on a regular basis, you’re having a relationship, albeit one that leads to the bedroom and not the altar. It’s much more difficult to have casual sex than a committed relationship: it takes honesty, openness, integrity and an extremely high degree of communication. It seems to be way too much work for most men.

    I think that part of the difficulty she’s facing may be partly due to the ways that we talk about casual sex and I think it’s worth unpacking that a bit.

    There are a lot of different meanings that people apply to casual sex and it often seems like we think of it as an either/or. Either it’s a casual thing (and there’s no “relationship”) or there’s an emotional commitment (and it’s not casual). And this is the sort of thinking that seems to make this so difficult.

    It’s important to recognize that there’s no such thing as “not being in a relationship.” There’s a relationship between any two things, people, or concepts. That relationship may be physical, mental, emotional or a combination of the above and some people would also add “spiritual” to the list. It may also be indirect, or quite distant. But to say that you want to have sex without having a relationship is simply inaccurate- a relationship is already there. The question then, isn’t how to keep from having a relationship, but rather, what kind of relationship you want to create.

    Once you start asking that question, then you can start to figure out where your needs, desires and wants are. This particular person wants to find someone for occasional sex with someone who is willing to meet her husband (and get the green light from him), will check in with her every so often to make sure that everything is working for each of them, and is ok with telling her when he has other lovers. None of that seems unreasonable to me, but if she starts her search by looking for someone who thinks of casual sex as “we’ll get together, boink, and go home”, that’s likely to lead to a mis-match. And given that many people define “casual sex” like that, I’m not surprised that she isn’t finding what she wants.

    It can also be challenging for women who want to have these sorts of relationships with men because a lot of men get caught up in the virgin-whore dichotomy. Not that this is limited to men, by any means, but finding guys who can have a sexual relationship with a woman that’s not centered on dating/marriage without putting her in the whore/slut category isn’t easy.

    Making this even more complex, many men simply don’t have the emotional self-awareness or relationship skills to manage what she’s asking for. In general, boys aren’t taught the skills they need to figure out what they’re feeling, how to tell someone about it, how to ask for what they need/want, how to listen to a partner, etc. It’s not that boys and men don’t have feelings, but a lot of them deal with the difficult ones by getting angry or disconnecting. And how in the world is a guy whose skills are limited like that supposed to manage a relationship like the one she describes above? (Fortunately, some people are teaching their boys better skills than these, but it’ll take some time before that’s the norm.)

    It sometimes seems to me that some men say that they want casual sex because they’re scared by emotional connection and want to avoid it. Emotional connection can be scary when you don’t know how to create and nurture it. And when we continue to talk about it as either/or, we only make it worse. When the only choices we hear about are full-on-commitment or 100% uncommitted, it’s no wonder that so many of her potential partners get scared off.

    So my suggestion to her and to other women in similar situations is to stop looking for casual sex and instead, to look for someone interested in creating a sexual relationship that fits her needs. Put the cards on the table from the very beginning, perhaps in an online personals ad, and let that be the first filter you use. Let go of the idea that either you’re in a committed ongoing relationship or you’re in a casual connection, and instead, create the relationship you want.

    I also want to point out that any relationship will work better when there’s “honesty, openness, integrity and an extremely high degree of communication.” Having multiple partners certainly adds extra challenges, simply because there are more people to take into account. But the skills that help people deal with conflicts, stay connected, and generally create successful relationships aren’t limited to any particular structure.

    Since I like to offer resources whenever I can, here are a couple of really good books on the topic:

    Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships is a great look at the more common (and many of the less common) forms that open relationships can take. There are also lots of tips and suggestions from people with real-life experience with each of them.

    The Ethical Slut: A Roadmap for Relationship Pioneers offers a lot of really good information on many of the concerns or questions people have around things like boundaries, safer sex, flirting and jealousy.

    There are also a lot of online resources and communities, especially if you’re looking for info about swinging or polyamory, so take a look there. The best way to find someone is to be in the communities that they’re likely to be in, too. Plus, you’ll find lots of helpful info, so you can avoid some of the mistakes that other people have made.

    Lastly, don’t settle for less than you deserve. It’s absolutely possible to create the sort of relationship you want, and it’s a lot easier when you’re clear in your intentions and you’re not willing to settle.

     This article has been republished with permission from Charlie Glickman. Visit his webpage to read more of his pieces here.

    Feature image courtesy of Shutterstock
    Do you wish to be featured on SimplySxy? Drop us an email at editorial@SimplySxy.com and we’ll love to hear from you!