Tag: Children

What To Do If Your Child Has Been Exposed To Porn
Q: Is there a video or other resource available to give age-appropriate information to children who have been prematurely exposed to it and why it is not a good thing to view porn?

There is. I have written a book about that same subject and it is in the process of finding a publisher. I also have an online webinar that I am preparing. Meanwhile, I will share with you the main three points I advise parents to keep in mind in such situations:
1. Breathe
If your child has seen adult content, the first thing to do is BREATHE. Stay calm. Don’t do more harm by freaking out. Think of it this way: Just like when your toddler falls, it is best to stay cool. A toddler sometimes seeks out their parent to gauge how severe the fall was; they can register it from the look on your face or the pitch of your voice. You take it seriously, and by staying calm, your child is assured that you can handle the situation.

Now is not the time to go into questions like “who showed you this” and “why did you do this” or “what were you thinking”. This will not help the child process what happened. You can deal with these questions later if you then still believe that it is important. Also, do not get hyper and have your voice go to the range that only dogs can hear. That is confusing and not helpful.
1. Ask
Ask your child what they felt and thought. Most likely your child was grossed out by what they saw. You can start by validating that – lots of the porn or adult content that is available is strange even to adults. Imagine if you are seeing it for the first time!

If you do not know where to start, then the easiest thing to do is to ask your child what they already know. Often this includes some misconceptions you can simply correct (like “the man pees inside the woman”).

You can also ask what they were looking for – sometimes children stumble on it unknowingly, other times they know exactly what they want to see. Maybe your child knows about sex already. Maybe they are older and are already starting to think about sex. Maybe they are considering to have sex for the first time. Asking allows you to respond at your child’s maturity level.
1. Share
It is crucial to communicate to your children of any age that searching the web (specifically searching for porn content) is NOT the best idea when looking for sex education. Porn is terrible sex education; it is not even real sex! Just like a romantic comedy, porn is someone else’s fantasy put on film. It is created for adults and does not portray sex in a realistic way.

Another important item is to share that “there are things you can’t unsee.” You can relate to something they were scared or affected by and ask them if they wished they hadn’t been exposed to it in the first place (for me it was the movie “Alien”).

Also, you can share that viewing porn is not good when you are not ready for it. A child does not know how to process it, especially when no one around will talk about sexuality. I’ve heard people use the excuse that generally telling kids about sex “breaches the firewall of innocence.” I argue that NOT telling a child about sex keeps them ignorant about a very basic human behavior, and this will lead to much confusion for the kid growing up and being exposed to other sexual behavior, imagery and concepts. There is a big difference between acknowledging and encouraging; I am only suggesting that you acknowledge sexuality.

Make sure to follow up with real information about what sex is. Most parents look for age-appropriate information; the fact is all children are different. Even within the family, siblings can be vastly different in mental, emotional, and intellectual readiness for information about sexuality. Unless one knows your family history and background, relating specifics is tough. Information from books or sites will give a range of ages because there can be huge variance (e.g., first menstruation can be between ages 9 and 16 with an average of 12). I offer private coaching for parents to help relearn or reframe the information about sexuality that is useful and pertinent for your specific child.

A Final Word

Let me finish this post with a remark about the word “exposed”. There are worse things that kids are exposed to and some of these we do not think twice. Violence in cartoons for children comes to mind (e.g. Bugs Bunny and Road Runner). What does the depiction of violence do to our children long term, where characters repeatedly harm each other but suffer no real consequences? As a society we do not think about that very much. Yet, when it comes to sex and nudity we are petrified of perceived long-term consequences. Which one are you more likely to be exposed to again and again? Violence is more damaging in my mind than viewing (most) sex acts.

Some of the adult content that is out there is scary and confusing and bizarre. The important point is to make porn viewing as much of a non-event as possible but also, enough of a lesson that children learn not to do it again. My bottom line is it is not the porn viewing that is ultimately so damaging – it is the reaction of the adults that can be problematic.

If you want more information about private coaching, webinars, or my book when it becomes available, contact me at mamasutra@me.com

Xxoo

The MamaSutra

This article has been republished with permission from Lanae St.John.
Please visit Lanae St.John’s website to view the original post and more of Lanae’s works.

Featured image courtesy of Shutterstock.
Have an amazing experience or tips you like to share on SimplySxy? Drop us an email at editorial@SimplySxy.com!
February 5, 2018
A Lasting Impression

I wanted to add something to the Core Erotic Theme (CET)/our children developing ideas around sex and sexuality while they are young topic.

A male friend of mine and I were having a discussion about porn and erotic literature. We just recently uncovered that something he used to do as a tween has had a profound impact on his adult sex life! WOW. Imagine that. (said sarcastically. For those of you who are new to reading my blog and haven’t heard me rant about “talking to your kids early and often”, this is my mantra).

The back-story here is when he was 12 he began to read Penthouse Forum magazines (he won’t reveal his source or exactly how he came in possession of the “literature”). He would scan the articles and select one based on topic and length. (Size queen? Jk). He said articles that were too short weren’t worth unzipping his fly. When he found one that was appealing, he would commence… do I really need to spell it out here??

This friend was particularly aroused by the stories in Forum that contained what we are lovingly referring to as “the change up” – a typical non-sexual situation turning into something sexual. You know, those instances where the housewife greets the pizza delivery boy and seduces him, or the handy man replacing a light bulb has his pants pulled down around his ankles while he is on the ladder. Those fantasies from his youth were arousing to him then and, until recently, he didn’t realize the lasting impact this had on his sex life. Yet he packed it away into the recesses of his mind and started unpacking because of our open discussions about turn-ons and our basic Core Erotic Themes. So now he understands why, as an adult, he still enjoys fantasizing about the neighbor’s wife, being fondled while doing household chores, and for some inexplicable reason gets aroused whenever someone delivers a pizza.

For parents of tweens: Make sure you are communicating with your children about what they know or are experiencing. Do not assume your children are not exploring their own bodies. Here’s some news for you… the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine 2010 reports by age 14-15, 67.5% of boys had already masturbated in their lifetime, not to mention that 13% of them had already received oral sex from a female in their 14-15 year “lifetime”. Correspondingly, for 14-15 year old girls, 43.3% had masturbated and 10.1% had received oral sex from a male in their lifetime. What is not clear to me from the data is if the girls had masturbated to orgasm, or if they know what female orgasm is?

The stuff your kids are doing and seeing NOW is having a lasting impact on their budding sexuality. If you suppress it, repress it, or otherwise make sex shameful, it may have an adverse effect on how they express themselves sexually as adults. If you talk about fantasy etc. now, they are more likely to have a healthier, sex-positive attitude when they are adults.

I understand: this is tough stuff! As a mother, I get nervous thinking of my own daughters engaging in sexual behavior at what seems to be a young age. I want to make sure I keep their little life rafts moored to the mother ship so they always know they can come to me with questions and that I’ll do my best to answer them. It’s ok to acknowledge your discomfort. It’s ok to say you don’t know the answer but offer to research it together. But please do NOT lie or make shit up. It only pushes your children away from you. If you lie to them and they find out the “real” answer, you will have proven to them that you don’t know what you are talking about. Our kids already think they know-it-all, let them at least know the truth.

For you parents, I want you to remember your own youth. Remember how awkward and uncomfortable it was with all of those hormones and breast buds and first periods or cracking voices and facial hair and growing pains. Did you go through all that alone? Wouldn’t it have been better if a loving, caring adult in your life talked to you about it? Ok, of course lots of you are going to cringe at the thought of your own uncool parent discussing sex but are you so uncool yourself? I know plenty of adults who would rather have someone else have these conversations with their children for them but, really?? Don’t YOU want to stay informed and involved?

This article has been republished with permission from Lanae St.John.
Please visit Lanae St.John’s website to view the original post and more of Lanae’s works.

Featured Image courtesy of Shutterstock.
Have an amazing experience or tips you like to share on SimplySxy? Drop us an email at editorial@SimplySxy.com!

May 13, 2016
Self-Censorship in Sex Ed?

When my daughters were eight and ten years old, I tried to give them a lesson in old rock hits from when I was young—AC/DC, Journey, Van Halen, all the songs that were popular when I was their age.

I never intended this to be a sex ed lesson, but as you’ve heard me say before, sex is everywhere—and sometimes it shows up when you least expect it especially when I called up a Pandora channel called AC/DC “TNT.”

If you’re familiar with this music, you probably know where this is going. It started off innocently enough, with me just wanting to teach my kids about some of the “jams” of my youth… Well, I won’t go into the details of every song—“TNT” alone was hilarious with lyrics like, “lock up your daughter, lock up your wife. Lock up your back door and run for your life”— and “I’m a power load…watch me explode”… (Writing about the song “Big Balls” is a post on its own!) I feel a little weird just writing this! (I’m sure it has something to do with how I felt hearing this as a tween.) I nearly chickened out. I took a deep breath and explained to my kids that the lyrics had a double meaning of the guy being a loose cannon you don’t want to pick a fight with, but also, of course, representing ejaculation. My eight-year-old didn’t get it—she’ll get it soon enough—but my oldest had eyes as big as saucers. All she could say was “really?” Then, with what I detected to be a sign of exasperation, she muttered, “Boys are always talking about their penises.”

Can someone tell me why “innocence” and “naïveté” are so prized in children? Who are these inside jokes supposed to keep out… children? The Man? Why? What purpose does self-censorship have when it’s about something as silly as basic human functions? Sometimes, adults will tell me about situations that occurred when they were younger. Sex blogger Redhead Bedhead wrote a funny post about songs of the 80’s and the not-so-subtle sexual messages of 80’s music. The kicker was the time she sang “Push It” in school and got in trouble— never mind that similar music was played at talent shows and kindergarten graduations. Was her age the big factor? If it is, it’s confusing for children. I can’t think of an instance where self-censorship has resulted in a positive outcome. Ultimately when a child got into trouble for behavior that was previously ok and the rules changed without notice, it affected them in one-way or another.

I know from experience that having these conversations can be awkward, but it’s not life or death. Nobody dies as a result of having been let in on a joke. It’s freeing to understand why something was acceptable then, and not acceptable later. If nothing else, the kids just get to understand reality better—and most of that reality is that adults really are (usually) fixated on sex.

This article has been republished with permission from Lanae St.John.
Please visit Lanae St.John’s website to view the original post and more of Lanae’s works.

Featured Image courtesy of Shutterstock.
Have an amazing experience or tips you like to share on SimplySxy? Drop us an email at editorial@SimplySxy.com!

November 2, 2015
How to talk to your child about sex

Have a question on your mind about sex or seeking advice? Ask us on any topic and we’ll provide you with the answers from an expert. Send them in to editorial@simplysxy.com.

For today’s questions, we touch on a topic related to parenting and sex ed from you and we’re delighted to have sex educator Cath Hakanson share her answer below.

A lot of parents get stumped when their children are the first to bring up the topic or mention something related to sex. How do they usually react, and if wrongly done, what is the right way to do so?

Yes, most parents are stumped by sex ed or they can even feel like they have been hit with a sledgehammer.

Sex ed is not one of those things that you plan for, it comes looking for you. Like with everything else that you do as a parent, you start to think about it as the need arises. When did you kid proof your kitchen cupboards? I did mine for a reason, ie when I found my toddler reaching into the drawers and removing my sharp knives!

Sex ed is no different, and parents usually start to think about it for a reason. It may be because your child is always touching their penis or vulva, usually at the wrong time and place, and you don’t know what to do. You could be pregnant and your child is starting to ask questions about how babies are made. Or maybe you are starting to see some signs of puberty appear in your child.

And because we are unprepared for sex ed, our response reflects that. We either try to avoid it, or limit the conversation to less intimate issues. We get embarrassed and avoid eye contact or get flustered. We may put off giving them an answer by either brushing them off or not answering them properly. Or we turn it into a discipline issue instead of using it an an opportunity to talk.

These reactions are natural and to be expected when you are unprepared for your kids to bring up something related to sex.

The best way to change this reaction is by being prepared.

Start learning as much as you can about issues that are relevant and that they are interested in eg puberty, pregnancy, body parts.

To make life easier for yourself, have back-up information that you can refer to. There are some fantastic books out there that you can read with your child.

Start thinking of sex ed as an ongoing conversation. Kids learn best in small bites, so remember that it is about lots of little conversations, frequently.

Remember to keep it short and sweet, and try to keep it casual and everyday. Talk about masturbation as if you are discussing your plans for the weekend.

Sometimes you need to plan ahead. Some kids ask questions and some just don’t. So plan to start the conversations yourself. Try practicing what you plan to say (and how) with your partner or a friend.

Visit Cath’s profile below and all the links to her website and social media.

Want to learn more about sex ed, sign up for Cath’s newsletter where you will receive regular, tips, practical strategies and encouragement delivered straight to your inbox.. it’s free! http://eepurl.com/bleBaj

Featured image courtesy of Shutterstock
Do you have a question you want answered by our experts? Drop us your question at editorial@SimplySxy.com!

September 29, 2015
Parents, should you be talking to your children about sex more?

Have a question on your mind about sex or seeking advice? Ask us on any topic and we’ll provide you with the answers from an expert. Send them in to editorial@simplysxy.com.

For today’s questions, we touch on a topic related to parenting and sex ed from you and we’re delighted to have sex educator Cath Hakanson share her answer below.

Is there a current lack of sex ed for children by their parents at home and why?

After 20 plus years of talking with people about sex, yes, I believe that parents aren’t doing enough sex ed.

Now, when I talk about sex ed, I’m not talking about ‘the talk’ that happens at puberty. That type of sex ed is common, even though research tells us that it isn’t helpful. I am talking about the type of sex ed that helps kids to develop the skills they need to have healthy relationships.

Every parents dream is that their kid/s will live a happy and fulfilled life. Part of that is the ability to have good friends around you and a loving partner. Sex ed gives kids the skills and knowledge they need as adults to live a happy and fulfilled life.

So why aren’t parents doing ‘sex ed’? I believe that parents struggle with sex ed because it is just too hard.

With a name like ‘sex ed’ , of course we are going to think that it is all about sex. And who wants to talk to their kids about sex?

Your kids might ask you something that you can’t answer? You might tell them too much and they will lose their innocence. And how do you even begin to answer their questions? Then they may start asking questions at the wrong time and place such as at the supermarket, or even at dinner with the in-laws! You may even be encouraging them to act out sexually with this new knowledge. Maybe your kids are too young yet, so there is no point in starting just yet. Or maybe you have just left it too late, another reason to not start! Plus, won’t they just pick up what they need to know from school? And talking about sex is just plain embarrassing, so why even go there?

Wow, a hell of a lot of reasons to not do sex ed. And I don’t blame you, as a parent I also found sex ed too hard! But the reason that I found it too hard was because I didn’t know what I had to do and how to do it! And once I realised that sex was only a small part of sex ed, it became a lot easier!

As parents should make the first move to talk about sex first, at which stage of a child’s life should a parent touch on and which topic?

When it comes to sex ed, it is never too early to start or too late! What you need to talk about depends on the age of your child and their natural curiosity.

Up to the age of 3, sex ed is pretty simple. It is about laying the foundations for lifelong attitudes about their body, gender differences and roles, and how to behave within and outside the home.

Between the ages of 3 and 5, kids are openly interested and curious about their own and other’s bodies. So sex ed is all about bodies, body ownership, genital play, reproduction, feelings, and boundaries in regards to touch, nudity, and privacy.

5 to 8 year olds are often full of curiosity and questions but are starting to be more private. Sex ed includes more in depth information about bodies, reproduction, puberty, sexual behaviour, friendships, love, families, sexual orientation and personal skills.

Visit Cath’s profile below and all the links to her website and social media.

Want to learn more about sex ed, sign up for Cath’s newsletter where you will receive regular, tips, practical strategies and encouragement delivered straight to your inbox.. it’s free! http://eepurl.com/bleBaj

Featured image courtesy of Shutterstock
Do you have a question you want answered by our experts? Drop us your question at editorial@SimplySxy.com!

August 31, 2015
How to raise children without sexual shame

‘Mummy, what is a scrotum?’

If you’re a parent, then you’ll know what it’s like to be asked questions about the human body and its functions.

Depending on your own upbringing and how you were educated around sex, will determine how you feel about having those conversations.

What’s really important to understand, is how we answer those innocent questions is detrimental to our children’s wellbeing.

Talking about sex to your little munchkins is only awkward if you make it that way.

Children are not born with sexual shame, they learn it.

And they learn it from the big people who deny them the conversations and information they most want, or from the embarrassment and shame their parents display when asked questions like: ‘Where do babies come from?’

I remember asking that very question when I was a child.

I was five-years-old and my parents told me: ‘From the Victoria market’.

So you can imagine my disappointment when we visited the market that very next week and there was no baby stall in sight!

It is these little lies – that parents say with the hope of protecting their child – that cause the child to disassociate from their sexuality and take on sexual shame.

What’s wrong with this?

Children lose touch with their natural instincts.

And when this happens they become more susceptible to sexual abuse.

One in three girls will be sexually abused by the time they are 18-years-old.

Children’s bodies are less likely to be violated if they are made aware of what is healthy and what is not.

We need to be educating our children on what is and isn’t appropriate, so that our children will speak up if a boundary is overstepped.

Not speaking up is what causes the most harm, because the emotions associated with hiding sexual abuse creates shame, fear and sexual disease.

We as parents need to teach ownership and responsibility.

Let your child know that it’s NOT ok to be touched by an adult.

Let them know that if that happens, to tell you immediately.

Let them know that it’s ok for your child to explore their own body, but given the state of our society, that it is best to do it in private.

And if your child does come and tell you that someone has touched them, support them, love them, and do what’s required to have the offender removed from your child’s life.

If a child is encouraged to speak up, they will have no need to hide any kind of abuse or bullying.

So how do you have those conversations about sex?

You be honest.

Share with an open heart.

By holding back, we leave space for our children to learn an unhealthy way of being sexually active.

If we deny our children sex education and information they will find it elsewhere, from porn or the Internet.

Most of the sex education readily available teaches a very disassociated, mechanical and often degrading style of sex.

That’s why we need to get in first, so our children know that they can come to us with their questions and know they will be met with love and support and the information they require to have a healthy relationship with sex.

So at what age do you start sharing the truth about sex with your children?

As soon as they start asking questions.

Every child will mature at their own rate, and so if at 3-years-of-age your child asks you why you have hair on your genitals and they don’t, then answer them honestly.

If you are ashamed or embarrassed by your children’s questions, then this will start to seep into their subconscious programming.

The only reason sex conversations are awkward, is because we make them awkward.

If YOU have issues around your sexuality, this will be passed onto your child.

So it goes without saying that the best way to guard against your child taking on sexual shame, is to ensure YOU don’t have any sexual shame.

Children model their parents.

From the moment a child is conceived up until age seven, a child’s subconscious mind records everything they see, hear and feel.

So even if you don’t say anything bad about sex, if you yourself are sexually shutdown or have sexual hang-ups, then your child will pick up on those issues, and make them their own.

The more comfortable you get with your own sexuality, the easier you will find it to share with authenticity and honesty.

Which brings me to this all-important topic:

Calling genitals any name other than their real name is one of the most common ways parents create sexual shame.

A vagina is a vagina.

A penis is a penis.

Trying to protect our children from themselves creates more harm than good.

Nicknaming our most beautiful parts is what creates the shame and embarrassment, because what you’re essentially doing, is saying: ‘Vaginas and penises are not to be spoken about.’

These body parts are to be celebrated and the more we encourage our children to love their genitals and explore them, the less likely they are to experience sexual trauma, whether it be abuse or accepting someone into them before they are physically ready.

This is where children need to be taught to respect their bodies and value their bodies.

Children need to understand the difference between the ugly side of sexuality – abuse – and the beautiful side of sexuality, an exchange that is nourishing and full of pleasure.

For most people the only education they get about sex is:

You have a penis, it goes in the hole and the deeper and faster you go, the better. Perhaps you get warned about the potential for having babies or the dangers of ending up crabs, but it’s not often we’re given any guidance on how to achieve deep pleasure.

Sexuality is about more than this body part going there.

We are human beings with human emotions and to deny sex as an emotional practice is to shut down who we truly are.

We need to teach our children that their heart partakes in a sexual experience, and how to deal with the emotions that are activated when we connect with someone on such an intimate level.

When a child has an understanding of a healthy sexual relationship, they are less likely to get themselves into situations that will cause trauma and could leave them pregnant or with disease.

Healthy education will lead to a child respecting their body enough to be careful with it, to nurture it, and not to allow anyone to treat it as anything less than precious.

The child needs to understand the difference between doing something due to peer pressure, and doing something because they want to.

So at its core, good sex education is about teaching a person how to relate.

Relating with self, as much as relating with another.

In a world that is sex-saturated, there is this belief that bodies are sinful and need to be hidden, along with our sexual desires and feelings.

It’s been shown that children brought up in nudist families have a healthier relationship with their body and their sexuality.

Raising children without sexual shame is vital for your child’s emotional and physical long-term health.

Statistically if you look in the world where good sex education is offered, there are less teenage pregnancies and less STIs.

Holland is one of those prime examples.

So if nothing else, ensure you have honest human conversations.

Make sex a topic of conversation fit for the dinner table.

If everyone spoke about sex more openly, it wouldn’t be such a taboo topic, and it wouldn’t cause all the shame it currently does.

If you know other parents struggling to know how to share sex with their children, please share this post.

The more children who have a healthy relationship with sex, the less disease, unwanted pregnancy and sexual trauma there will be.

Image courtesy of Shutterstock
Have an amazing experience or tips you like to share on SimplySxy? Drop us an email at editorial@SimplySxy.com!

July 1, 2015
A Lasting Impression

I wanted to add something to the Core Erotic Theme (CET)/our children developing ideas around sex and sexuality while they are young topic.

A male friend of mine and I were having a discussion about porn and erotic literature. We just recently uncovered that something he used to do as a tween has had a profound impact on his adult sex life! WOW. Imagine that. (said sarcastically. For those of you who are new to reading my blog and haven’t heard me rant about “talking to your kids early and often”, this is my mantra).

The back-story here is when he was 12 he began to read Penthouse Forum magazines (he won’t reveal his source or exactly how he came in possession of the “literature”). He would scan the articles and select one based on topic and length. (Size queen? Jk). He said articles that were too short weren’t worth unzipping his fly. When he found one that was appealing, he would commence… do I really need to spell it out here?? 😉

This friend was particularly aroused by the stories in Forum that contained what we are lovingly referring to as “the change up” – a typical non-sexual situation turning into something sexual. You know, those instances where the housewife greets the pizza delivery boy and seduces him, or the handy man replacing a light bulb has his pants pulled down around his ankles while he is on the ladder. Those fantasies from his youth were arousing to him then and, until recently, he didn’t realize the lasting impact this had on his sex life. Yet he packed it away into the recesses of his mind and started unpacking because of our open discussions about turn-ons and our basic Core Erotic Themes. So now he understands why, as an adult, he still enjoys fantasizing about the neighbor’s wife, being fondled while doing household chores, and for some inexplicable reason gets aroused whenever someone delivers a pizza.

For parents of tweens: Make sure you are communicating with your children about what they know or are experiencing. Do not assume your children are not exploring their own bodies. Here’s some news for you… the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine 2010 reports by age 14-15, 67.5% of boys had already masturbated in their lifetime, not to mention that 13% of them had already received oral sex from a female in their 14-15 year “lifetime”. Correspondingly, for 14-15 year old girls, 43.3% had masturbated and 10.1% had received oral sex from a male in their lifetime. What is not clear to me from the data is if the girls had masturbated to orgasm, or if they know what female orgasm is?

The stuff your kids are doing and seeing NOW is having a lasting impact on their budding sexuality. If you suppress it, repress it, or otherwise make sex shameful, it may have an adverse effect on how they express themselves sexually as adults. If you talk about fantasy etc. now, they are more likely to have a healthier, sex-positive attitude when they are adults.

I understand: this is tough stuff! As a mother, I get nervous thinking of my own daughters engaging in sexual behavior at what seems to be a young age. I want to make sure I keep their little life rafts moored to the mother ship so they always know they can come to me with questions and that I’ll do my best to answer them. It’s ok to acknowledge your discomfort. It’s ok to say you don’t know the answer but offer to research it together. But please do NOT lie or make shit up. It only pushes your children away from you. If you lie to them and they find out the “real” answer, you will have proven to them that you don’t know what you are talking about. Our kids already think they know-it-all, let them at least know the truth.

For you parents, I want you to remember your own youth. Remember how awkward and uncomfortable it was with all of those hormones and breast buds and first periods or cracking voices and facial hair and growing pains. Did you go through all that alone? Wouldn’t it have been better if a loving, caring adult in your life talked to you about it? Ok, of course lots of you are going to cringe at the thought of your own uncool parent discussing sex but are you so uncool yourself? I know plenty of adults who would rather have someone else have these conversations with their children for them but, really?? Don’t YOU want to stay informed and involved?

This article has been republished with permission from Lanae St.John.
Please visit Lanae St.John’s website to view the original post and more of Lanae’s works.

Images courtesy of Shutterstock.
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November 4, 2014
“Shhh! There Are Children Present.”

A funny thing happened at yoga.

I’ve been taking Marcia (9) and Cindy (7) to yoga with me. I agree with author Peggy Orenstein that it’s a wonderful practice for young girls. My daughters seem to like it and the other participants seem to enjoy the youth factor and aren’t the least bit curmudgeonly… or so I thought.

Yesterday, the intention from the instructor was for fathers since this is Father’s Day weekend. She talked about fathers and their roles and the love of a father etc etc. I was in my own head at the time, but when we were warming up our spines in cat stretch pose she mused that the very first father cat knocked up the mother cat many years ago. An older woman admonished the instructor out loud that there were children present. The instructor was a bit confused, she must not have realized what she could have said in that moment that could have been offensive because she said “I’m sorry?” and the woman repeated “there are children present”. As it was, neither of my girls heard the instructor’s comment and now wanted me to tell them what just happened. I leaned over to Cindy and told her, “that woman didn’t want the instructor to say that the father cat knocked up the mother cat because you guys are here. Knocked up is another way to say got pregnant”. Cindy, now
in downward facing dog pose, just slowly shook her head in mild amusement. The instructor giggled after she saw me lean over to Cindy and asked incredulously, “Did you just tell her?!” Trying to regain the peace in the room quickly, I simply nodded yes.

This situation really amazed me. Such an innocent comment WHICH NEITHER CHILD HEARD prompted someone to pierce the peace and serenity of the group with such sex negativity. Even if they had heard the comment, my girls didn’t know what the term “knocked up” meant yet. It was an adult projecting their own sex-obsessed thinking onto what children should or shouldn’t know.

Just think how much work we would have to do every minute of every day if we worked to censor everything that has a sexual meaning or connotation. I can’t imagine that. I think it’s best to talk about it and make it all a non-issue. Sex is there. Everywhere. It’s present at the grocery store at the checkout aisle in the magazines. It’s on TV in the ads during the sporting events they watch with dad. It’s in the way teenagers dress (namely teenage girls) when we pass them on the way to school in the morning. Plus, what would be accomplished by censoring?

A wise colleague, Paul Johannides, who authored the book The Guide to Getting it On, recently wrote that sex education has evolved into sex prevention. As parents and adults who deal with children and their little persona’s and who want our children to grow up into sexually healthy adults, sex PREVENTION is not the route we should be going. Can anyone argue with that?

This article has been republished with permission from Lanae St.John. Please visit Lanae St.John’s website to view the original post and more of Lanae’s works.

Images courtesy of Shutterstock.

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May 26, 2014
You Are Your Child’s Main Sex Educator – Are You Doing Your Job?

Parents are the primary sex educators to their children. This is the case regardless of your choices as a parent. Even if you pointedly choose not to talk about sex and sexuality, your choice is sending clear and persistent messages to your child.

Some parents secretly hope that everything will take care of itself in time. They figure that we all managed to make it somehow, with or without the intervention of our awkward parents, and thus so will their kids. Sometimes this is a conscious decision (“we don’t talk about things like that in my family”), but most of the time, it’s avoidance by default. Given the sensitive nature of the topic and the uncertainty around good parenting practices regarding sexuality, this is more than understandable.

It’s possible that a child finds their way to self-acceptance, accurate knowledge, confidence, guilt-free pleasure, respect for others, and a sense of responsibility all by themselves. Actually, the chances of this would be good if the world was neutral about sex and sexuality, and children were free to develop and explore by their innate curiosities and motivations. But, this is nothing like the world we live in. Our world is full of messages about sex, many of them driven by consumerist interests (“sex sells”), many of them exploitative, hurtful, and profane, and many of them debase and distort the truth. More and more, these messages are directed at children. And even the ones that are meant for adults are saturating children constantly. Thus, if it’s important to you that your child grows up sexually healthy, don’t leave it up to chance.

So, are you doing your job as a sex educator? Here is a basic job description.

1. Have Many Little Talks – and Listen. Forget the Big Talk – it’s an out-dated model and is perhaps the biggest mistake that parents can make. The classic Big Talk involves giving a lot of information all at once (usually about how babies are made, and cautions about some combination of boys, girls, pregnancy, diseases, dating, love, and relationships).

Why is it so bad? It loads up the conversation with a sense that sexuality is terrifying and awful, and more often than not the parent’s own anxieties and discomforts speak louder than anything they’re saying. The messages that the Big Talk (and otherwise silence) give are: I dread this topic. I’m just doing this to get it over with. Don’t come to me with your problems or questions. (And yes, the message is still “don’t talk to me” even if you emphatically say “talk to me any time!” during your Big Talk).

Instead, have multiple, little talks. Integrate information as well as your values into everyday conversations – what sex educators call “teachable moments”. See someone pregnant on the street? Talk to your 8 year-old about babies. Find out what they know, think, and feel. On your way to a family wedding? Ask your 5 year-old about love and relationships; share your own stories. School dance coming up? Ask your 14 year-old whether their peers are dating, what is normal for their friend groups, say what your feelings and limits for them are.

Keep conversations light. While you ought to share and teach your values, don’t use Little Talks only as opportunities to reprimand or interrogate. Their purpose is to create a two-way flow of information, which means that you should be listening as much as you’re talking. When the time comes to have a difficult conversation (if it ever does), you will have made it easier and safer for your child to share.

2. Use the Correct Words. By this I mean the scientific words – like vulva, penis, masturbation, etc. This is a simple way of communicating openness, and minimizing the cultural biases of certain words and ideas. It may feel stilted at first, if this is not your usual practice. But a bit of initial awkwardness will save you from the even more awkward silence when baby words no longer seem appropriate and a transition is necessary. It also, as research repeatedly shows, empowers young people about their bodies. Taking shame away from their words will take shame away from their private parts, and make it that much easier for them to say “do not touch me”, “I don’t like it”, or “back off” when it counts.

3. Nurture Wonder and Curiosity. Aside from giving facts and sharing values about sex and sexuality, don’t forget to also talk about things that are wondrous and fun for children to know. For example: humans are mammals and reproduce like cats, chimpanzees, pandas, and otters; the egg (ovum) is the largest human cell, and the sperm is the smallest; falling in love creates real, biological changes in the brain; some animals couple for life and others don’t; many species of animals have more than two genders. These bits of information don’t have to be sex-specific. In fact, it is better if they are mixed in with non-sexual things. After all, the purpose is to create a sense of wonder about the natural world, including the human body and human relationships. The more integrated sex and sexuality information is, the more it actually reflects reality and deconstructs taboo and shame.

4. Learn and Unlearn. Accurate and positive information about sex and sexuality is hard to come by, and most of us have been fed a lot of misinformation about sex and sexuality. As someone else’s sex educator, your skills need constant upgrading. Read articles, have conversations, ask questions, and do your research. Particularly, if a topic strikes fear into your heart, or especially angers you, look into it. There’s nothing that shuts down conversation more than an incensed parent who is themselves shut down and not listening.

This also means that you may have to do some soul-searching and making peace with your past. So often, the things that parents are most fearful about come from their own negative experiences. While it’s important to pass on the wisdom you’ve earned from your own mistakes, it’s not fair to unload disproportionate amounts of fear, guilt, or shame onto your children. Be accountable for your own “stuff” – unlearn what is not accurate or realistic, so you can make room for new learning.

5. Evolve – the Meaning of Things Change. Sexuality, like much of human relations and psychosocial existence, is cultural. To name a few examples: the meaning of holding hands has changed over time; the acceptability of nudity varies family to family, culture to culture; the gravity of divorce and break-ups continues to evolve worldwide; and the appropriateness of asking someone out via texting and SMS depends largely on age group. Which is to say, there is no inherent meaning in any one event, activity, or bodily condition. They mean what we make them mean.

For parents, this is important to know because the world you grew up in is not the world today. Add to that experiences of migration and rapid globalization, and you can guarantee that you and your child will understand some things very differently. Among these could be: dating, sexual experience, same sex relationships, virginity, marriage, co-habitation, tattoos, revealing clothing, sexually suggestive dancing, abortion, talking about sex, having a doctor who is a of different sex, swearing and foul language, drinking, recreational drugs, religious practice, parenthood, and an endless more.

If you aspire to be a parent who is both principled and realistic, both an anchor and a sounding board to your child, then you must find a balance between your world of meaning and theirs. Before you bar your 4 year-old from touching their genitals, your 17 year-old from getting a tattoo, or your 13 year-old from showing her bra strap through her off-the-shoulder top, consider what your underlying values and motivations are, and what decisions and actions they translate to today. If what you want is to teach privacy and good manners, it might be better to say, “that’s something you do in private, in your room”, instead of shaming a youngster from self-pleasure (which is perfectly healthy). If what you want is for your child to belong and to be well-received, it may be that the tattoo he gets is on a body part not usually revealed in office wear. If you want to affirm self-respect and safety, it may be that you de-emphasize the importance of a daughter’s physical appearance (including comments about her weight and body), emphasize her other strengths, and bolster her abilities to set boundaries and entitlement to bodily autonomy.

No parent is perfect, and you don’t need to be a perfect parent to set the stage for your child’s self-acceptance, confidence, and positive attitude. What’s for sure, though, is that it won’t happen by accident. There are countless things that demand your patience, effort, and courage as a parent, and your child’s sex education is one of the most important ones. Your peace of mind, and their social, psychological, and physical well-being, will be well worth it.

April 6, 2014
Vaccinate your Teenager against Unwanted Pregnancy and Sexually Transmitted Diseases

With internet pornography and lack of healthy sexuality, a growing number of teens and young adults get most of their sex education from watching Pornography.

As a parent would you like your child to learn about sex from other teenagers?

Parents can now vaccinate their children against unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease with information!

What makes this such a problem in Singapore is the generation gap between traditional views of sex on one side and the availability of pornography to teenagers on the other side.

Parents are not comfortable talking openly about sex with their children and by the time the kids turn into teenagers, they have gotten most of their information from other teenagers or internet porn and not from mom or dad.

“A survey was conducted in Singapore about the growing number of teenagers having unsafe sex. The survey stated that because of a lack of knowledge among young people it could lead to dangerous behaviour that puts them at risk of unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections. The incidence of sexually transmitted infections among teens rose from 238 cases in 2002 to 787 last year.”

Parents need to learn how to talk to their children about sex when they are young, starting out with age appropriate materials done in a positive way. The biggest challenge that most parents have is their own embarrassment with talking about sex. One way to combat this embarrassment is to view it as knowledge that will vaccinate their children against unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases that could save their lives.

Knowledge is power, and the more positive information that children learn about their own bodies, then they are less curious about searching for information that can be damaging or dangerous leading to unsafe sex. Not talking about healthy sexuality or shaming a child for talking about sex is the most dangerous message that a parent can give to their child and teenagers!

The process starts when a child is younger and curious about their own bodies, a parents’ feedback is crucial. Never put negative connotations on a child’s body, use correct terminology, and call a penis a penis or a vagina a vagina. When a parent sees a child touch themselves, don’t shame them, but understand that they don’t know the difference between scratching their arm or touching their penis/vagina. Telling them to stop or saying something negative is only going to shame them or make them feel bad about their body.

As children turn into teenagers, talk to them about sex, to respect their own bodies and if they have sexual urges to masturbate, it is the safest form of sex on the planet. Talk to them about contraception, sexually transmitted diseases. Explain to teenagers that touching, hugging and kissing can be fun, but that it does not have to lead to sex, and saying no is alright and if they say yes, to use a condom. Prepare them for war and give then the armour that they need to survive!

Parents have the belief that if they talk about sex with their kids, then they are telling them that it is alright to have it, and by not talking to them about it means they won’t have it…..WRONG!

With that belief, a parent has just sent his/her child out into the world naked, not prepared and will most likely end up being a victim of an early sexual encounter, learning about sex from other teens and porn. Those are the teens that have the highest incidence of unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease!

Vaccinate your child with knowledge about healthy sexuality, the odds are that your child will not be among the odds but safe!

March 19, 2014