SimplySxy

Author: Charlie Glickman

  • My Introduction To Rape Culture

    My Introduction To Rape Culture

    I remember exactly when I first understood what “rape culture” meant.

    I was nineteen and a sophomore in college. I was talking with a woman I knew about gender and sexual politics, and I just wasn’t getting it. She was describing what it was like for her to move through the world as a woman, to be constantly under sexual surveillance, to always be worried about whether some guy would harass or attack her, to never know if she could walk down the street without getting cat called. This was pretty foreign to me, because I’d never seen any of this happening.

    Partly, that was because I’d never really fit in with most other boys and I didn’t understand how the performance of masculinity encourages boys and men to compete with each other to demonstrate their manhood. I simply didn’t play those games. But more than that, it was because men don’t do the same things when they see a woman with a man. I had no idea that women’s experiences walking down the street were so different when I wasn’t there.

    So my friend gave me a challenge that changed my life. She offered to walk down the street on a weekend night and allow me to walk behind her so I could see what happened. I took her up on it and the next Friday night, out we went. She was dressed in pretty standard “going out” clothes and we headed out to the strip of stores, bars, and restaurants that most college campuses seem to have within walking distance. I stayed about twenty feet behind her- close enough to observe without seeming like we were together. And I was shocked at what I saw.

    Individual guys whispered or made comments about her as she passed them. They’d ask her where she was going or simply turn and stare at her ass. Groups of guys were worse, though. I could see them checking her out and talking to each other about her body and appearance. A few times, one guy in a group would say something and the rest of them would laugh while staring at her. And twice, one guy said something, followed by another guy escalating either the volume or the message, with another dude chiming in. I could see them all competing with each other to be the most macho, not caring that their games were at the cost of my friend’s feelings of safety.

    It was an eye-opening experience for me. It was the first glimpse I got at the crap that women have to put up with, simply for moving through the world. I started paying attention to it more and thought about how I would feel if I couldn’t go anywhere in public without having to think about getting harassed, how I would feel if I couldn’t feel safe walking down the street. If a picture is worth a thousand words, getting to see this for myself was worth so much more.

    Over time, I came to see that I needed to do more about this than simply not participate in it myself. In my workshops on sexuality, masculinity, and gender, I’ve had the opportunity to talk with people of all ages, genders, sexual orientations, and backgrounds about these topics. And one pattern that consistently shows up is that there are a lot ofcisgender men who act like this without realizing the impact it has. Many of them are so surrounded by the Act Like a Man Box that they see it as totally normal. Some of them would like to break out of it, but they don’t know how and don’t have the support to do it. And a lot of them are scared to change because other people will attack and shame them back into the box. It’s not just men who reinforce this prison.

    I also started to understand the connections between street harassment and sexual assault. One of the common threads is the belief that one person’s desires for sex, sexual attention, or validation as a man outweighs another person’s autonomy, safety, and consent. Another is that very few folks are actually teaching boys and young men about respect. Most of the conversations that I’ve seen center on shaming them without giving them the skills they need to navigate relationships. What if we could actually talk with boys about how to ask for sex, or ways to flirt without being creepy? I know some parents who are doing this, but the “boys will be boys” attitude is still common. Just as most people shy away from talking with girls about these issues out of discomfort with addressing adolescent female sexuality, we also avoid looking at adolescent male sexuality with any clarity. So is it any surprise that people grow up confused about relationships? Is it all that shocking that many of my coaching clients struggle with these same issues as adults?

    I’m deeply grateful to my friend for showing me what rape culture is about. For helping me understand that the world she moved through was so different from the one I moved through. For making it possible for me to take my first steps towards understanding what she and other women deal with every day. If you’re a cisgender man, I really encourage you to ask a friend if she’d be willing to do this experiment with you. Trust me. It’ll change your life.

    This article has been republished with permission from Charlie Glickman. Please visit Charlie Glickman’s website  to view original post and more of Charlie’s works.

  • Five Things Men Can Do To Not Be Creepy

    Five Things Men Can Do To Not Be Creepy

    I’ve been following a lot of the conversations in various circles about creeps, both online and in various communities I move through, and I’m really glad that this topic is getting more traction. I know that it’s a tough thing to bring up, for a variety of reasons, but until something gets brought into the light, it’s not going to change. Creepiness ends up affecting all of us, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, and it’s especially challenging for male-female interactions. Plenty of women have articulately described how annoying it is for them, though so far, I’ve seen far fewer men talk about how it affects us.

    It’s important for guys to be talking about this, too. Given the very scary possible consequences for women when men approach them, I think it’s entirely reasonable for someone to assume that a random guy hitting on her is a possible predator until he demonstrates otherwise. I understand that that creates a frustrating situation- after all, who likes to have to prove their good intentions? And it’s also one of the many ways in which sexism and misogyny make things harder for men. If you want that to change, work to change things. Don’t complain that women don’t assume you’re a good guy. Their reasons for not doing so are useful protective measures in a world that sets them up as targets to be harassed, groped, and assaulted while simultaneously blaming them for it. You’d do the same thing in their shoes.

    WHAT DOES “CREEPY” MEAN?

    As far as how we can change things, one piece that I think we need to look at is what makes someone a creep. I’ve heard lots of women say things like, “I just know it when I see it,” which doesn’t offer much to work with. Unless we can pin down some of the things that prompt that reaction, it’s not likely to change. So I’ve been thinking about that word and what it means lately, and I think that this video offers a pretty good visual explanation.

    Sure, it’s sort of cute to watch a cat inch up every time the camera looks away. And I think that illustrates one of the common ways that creeps act. It’s the constant testing of limits, whether that’s moving into someone’s personal space, touching them without permission, getting permission for one kind of touch and then moving past that, and so forth, that makes it creepy. It’s because they keep looking for ways to creep past the boundaries. It creates a no-win situation for the recipient. If she doesn’t say anything, the creeping continues. If she does, he can claim that he didn’t mean anything, or that she misunderstood, or call her a bitch and attack her verbally or physically. Instead of being up front about it, a creep can push things and then claim innocence when he’s called on it, especially since plenty of people will ask her what she did to prompt it instead of asking him what made him think that was an acceptable way to act.

    One thing that adds complexity to this is that slut-shaming makes it harder for women to initiate anything because it makes them vulnerable to being attacked. I’ve spoken with plenty of people who are convinced that men should make the move and women shouldn’t do anything more than signal their receptivity. And even when guys do take the first step, women are supposed to be demure in their responses- if they look too interested, there’s the possibility that they’ll be slut-shamed. So the entire system is set up to teach boys and men to be creeps because we’re supposed to keep inching forward. After all, we’re told that if we don’t, then nothing happens.

    That’s one reason we need to stop slut-shaming. When we respect women, regardless of their sexual choices, we create room for different dynamics. Instead of him chasing her, they can each move forward or away as they see fit. Just imagine how different that would make things.

    In that light, here are a few things that men can do to not be creepy. All of these assume that you don’t want to be creepy, of course. If you get off on crossing someone’s boundaries, either you need to learn how to play with that within a larger container of consent or you should admit that you enjoy assaulting people. So for the guys who don’t want to be creepy, here are my suggestions.

    MANAGING SEXUAL ENERGY

    1) Learn how to manage your sexual energy. If you feel attracted to someone or if you feel turned on, that’s yours to deal with. It isn’t anyone else’s responsibility, any more than your feelings of hunger are someone else’s responsibility. Yes, I get that it’s not entirely under your control any more than you can completely control hunger when you see something you’d like to eat. And just as you’re responsible for your responses when you see a hamburger, no matter how hungry you are, you’re responsible for your sexual energy, no matter how hot someone is.

    This piece is definitely easier for many men as we get older, whether that’s due to learning some skills, changing body chemistry, or something else entirely. But it can be something that any of us can struggle with, especially when drugs or alcohol are involved. I found tantra practices to be especially useful when I wanted to find ways to manage my sexual energy without denying or squashing it. If you’re not woo-averse, you might want to check them out and see what they can offer you. Despite the hype as methods for increasing pleasure and enhancing intimacy (which they can also be), they’re also useful techniques for energetic self-regulation.

    MAKE CONSENT PART OF YOUR APPROACH

    2) Instead of imposing yourself on someone else, make it very clear that the interest, desire, and consent of the person you want to ask is important. It’s not all that hard to do. In fact, here’s an easy formula. Start off with a conditional statement like:

    If you’re interested…
    If you’re in the mood…
    If you’re available…

    And follow up with a statement of your desire:

    I would enjoy chatting over coffee with you.
    I’d like to kiss you.
    I’d love to go out to dinner with you.

    The advantage of this approach is that it demonstrates that your interest is contingent on hers. Of course, you have to actually mean that, but if her desire and consent don’t matter to you, you’re well into rapist territory.

    RESPONDING TO REJECTION

    3) Learn how to deal with rejection. I know full well how difficult it can be to take a chance, put yourself out there, and not get the response you want. Rejection hurts. In fact, the distress from rejection and shame is processed in the same part of the brain as the distress from physical pain. Finding ways to cope with that and build some resiliency is crucial, though. One of the reasons some guys lash out and verbally or physically abuse women who turn them down is that they don’t know any other ways to deal with the distress they feel, especially when it’s grounded in their sense of masculinity.

    I think it’s also important to learn the difference between unavailability and rejection. Unfortunately, rejection can trigger shame reactions, so learning some shame resilience is part of this process. That’s not a quick fix- shame resilience can take a while to develop. I’m a big believer in therapy for that.

    UNDERSTAND WOMEN’S EXPERIENCES

    4) Deal with the fact that many women are bombarded with sexual interest, invitations, harassment, groping, and worse on an almost constant basis. That means that no matter how well-phrased your invitation and no matter how considerate you are, there’s a possibility that she’ll receive it differently than you intend. The best response in those situations isn’t to try to justify or explain yourself because that almost invariably comes across as you telling her that she’s wrong. Believe me- that’s not going to help.

    Instead, try saying something like, “I’m sorry that I intruded on you. Thank you for telling me.” And then disengage. Instead of trying to prove you’re cool, show her. Actions speak a lot louder than words. And remember that “no” is a sufficient response.

    KNOW WHEN (AND HOW) TO APOLOGIZE

    5) If you slip up (and everyone does), learn how to make amends. It takes a lot of courage to admit when you’ve done something that’s not in alignment with your values or expectations for yourself. But that’s the best way to avoid creating a situation in which resentment takes over the interaction. And trust me- resentment is not conducive to a happy time.

    The fact is, sometimes, boundaries are going to get brushed up against or crossed, even with the best of intentions. But if you step forward with care and with attention to the response, it’ll be a much smaller thing than if you go full-speed. And when it does happen, the best response is to acknowledge it, offer an apology, and step back. Depending on the situation, there might be room in the future to try again, but whether there is or not, at least you won’t be a jerk about it.

    WHAT ELSE?

    I don’t think this covers all the things guys can do to not be creepy, given that there are lots of other ways that men creep. But I think it’s a good start and, at the very least, these steps can help create happier relationships. And all of them can be useful at any stage, from an initial introduction to a long-term relationship.

    If you’re skeptical about it, try giving it a try and see what happens. Start with #2 since it’s the easiest one to experiment with. I’m willing to bet that you’ll see that the payoff is a partner who feels more comfortable and safer, which is one of the best ways to create a happy sexual connection that thrives. If that’s not positive feedback, I don’t know what is.

    The only way we’re going to change the cultural messages that encourage and enable creepiness is by living it. So if there are additional things you think men can do to not be creepy, comment below. Let’s see what else we can come up with.

    This article has been republished with permission from Charlie Glickman. Please visit Charlie Glickman’s website  to view original post and more of Charlie’s works.

  • Sexual Authenticity and Your “True Self”

    Sexual Authenticity and Your “True Self”

    Over on Facebook, Gloria Brame recently posed the question:

    Do you change when you go on vacation? Do you become someone you are not at home? Topic came up in therapy today.

    The answers were pretty varied. Here are a few of them.

    • True side can come out not so much different
    • oh yes, eagerly so
    • I am always me. I have no need to be anything more or less.
    • Always being authentic is the way to go. Lying is a lot of work and getting found out isn’t pretty.
    • I’m more carefree. …childlike
    While the original question wasn’t about sex, it reminded me of one of the topics that I’ve seen a lot of people struggle with. What does sexual authenticity mean, and how do we know what it looks like?

    It’s a tricky thing. Authenticity can be taken to mean “being your true self” or “acting in alignment with who you are” and I see some value in those definitions. It’s easy to see that if you’re in the closet about your sexual orientation, your gender identity, your sexual practices, your relationship structure, or any other aspect of your sexuality, you’re not living as authentically as you might. Of course, there are many reasons that people choose to be in the closet, and it’s not always a bad thing. If you need to keep quiet about your personal life in order to maintain your employment, that’s a perfectly fine cost-benefit analysis. The fact that other people have different options or make different choices doesn’t mean that your decision is wrong.

    At the same time, I think the response about lying is important to unpack because I don’t think there needs to be a dichotomy between authenticity and lying. That’s what really struck me about the original question because for me, it’s not so much about becoming a different person. Instead, it’s about allowing a different part of myself to come to the surface. That’s also what role play feels like to me. I can’t do it if I don’t have that personna within me. For me, it’s not about acting a part. It’s about making room for a different piece of myself to emerge.

    Authenticity doesn’t mean that you’re the same person in all circumstances. It means that whatever situation you’re in, the parts of yourself that people see are genuine rather than being a front or a mask. It’s speaking your truth, even if it’s not the whole truth. Authenticity has room for privacy, but not for secrets. It has room for boundaries, but not for lies. And it has room for being a different person in different situations, simply because most people are pretty complex.

    To quote Walt Whitman, “Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.” I see no conflict between that sentiment and my desire to me true to myself. What about you?

    This article has been republished with permission from Charlie Glickman. Please visit Charlie Glickman’s website  to view original post and more of Charlie’s works.

  • Play The Long Game

    Play The Long Game

    When it comes to creating a sexual connection with someone, one of the most useful things you can do is play the long game. That means that rather than only focusing on what can happen tonight or right now, you lay the foundation for the future. Of course, there’s still plenty of possibility for a hook-up or a one-night thing or having sex on the first date, if that’s what you both want. But even in those situations, playing the long game means creating opportunity for a future connection with that person.

    Here’s an example from my personal life. A couple of years ago, I met Sarah at a party. It was clear that we had a mutual attraction and we had a lovey time flirting with each other. By the end of the night, we exchanged phone numbers and I figured that we’d get together sometime soon for dinner or a drink and see where things would go.

    It turned out that that wasn’t going to work out quite like that. Sarah was in an open relationship and her partner was totally fine with what had happened, but they were going through some stuff and it wasn’t a good time to add any new variables to the mix. So when Sarah explained that to me, I told her that I completely understood, having been in a similar situation with my partner, and that I’d still really enjoy getting together another time.

    When we had dinner, we had a lovely evening. Sarah and I had a lot to talk about and we kept things friendly, but not flirtatious or sexual because there was a clear boundary in place. I figured that either things would change at some point and we could revisit the question, or they wouldn’t and I would have made a new friend. Either way, it looked like a win to me. At one point, we took the opportunity to talk about that and we both made it clear that the interest was there. That made it much easier to set it aside and have a really good time.

    Over the next couple of years, we got together every so often. We moved through some of the same circles, so we always had plenty to talk about and have a fun get-together. And when things changed and the possibility of having sex opened up, we’d laid the groundwork to be able to have that happen. There wasn’t any awkwardness about it because we’d both been clear in our intentions and the reasons for refraining, and we’d developed a connection that had room to put our cards on the table.

    Playing the long game means taking the larger view. We were willing to invest a little time into building a friendship that made room for future possibilities. It’s a shift in perspective that can make things much easier.

    When you take the long view, there’s more room for everyone’s boundaries. Rather than pushing to make something happen immediately, you can create some space for whatever each person needs. That demonstrates your commitment to everyone’s well-being, including any other people affected by the situation such as other partners, their kids, etc. Supporting everyone’s well-being is one of the hallmarks of sex-positivity and it demonstrates respect. It also shows your willingness to calibrate your relationships to fit everyone involved.

    Playing the long game is a great way to show that you understand the difference between “not right now” and “never.” You might be in a relationship with someone who’s sexually unavailable because of stress, work crises, family difficulties, physical or medical challenges, or anything else. Stepping back and looking at things from a larger perspective can make it easier to remember that unavailability isn’t the same as rejection.  It helps you avoid slipping into a shame spiral because you know that things will change.

    My partner and I have been together for over twenty years and we’ve had plenty of phases when one or the other of us simply wasn’t available for sex. Knowing that a gap of a few weeks or months was a temporary situation within the context of our relationship makes it much less difficult when those things happen. It used to feel like the end of the world, but we’ve learned that it’s simply temporary.

    Of course, some people say “not right now” when they mean “not ever.” Playing the long game only works when there’s enough honesty for both people to make informed choices. And sometimes, people have medical issues or mental health healing that can take a while to resolve. Being committed to doing the healing work that needs to happen is how we demonstrate that we’re aiming to make it a “not right now” situation. If we expect our partners to work with us in good faith, we need to demonstrate a good faith effort.

    Here’s another way to play the long game. I was recently flirting with someone who I know from various polyamorous and sex-positive communities. We’ve always had a sweet, flirty friendship, but they recently got into a relationship with someone and they were wanting to focus their attention on that rather than flirting with anyone else. So I thanked them for telling me and said that I would take that as our new baseline. I also asked them to let me know if that ever changed so we could check in and see where we were.

    I didn’t say that I would necessarily be available to flirt again because I don’t know for sure that I’d have the room for it. There are plenty of reasons why I might not, and taking care of my future self means remembering that things might change for me. So instead, I simply said that we can see where things are if it ever becomes relevant. There’s a big difference between saying, “if something changes, I’ll be available” and “if something changes, let’s check in and talk about it.”

    Playing the long game means thanking people for telling you what their boundaries are. As Monique Darling puts it, when we say no to something, we’re saying yes to something else and it’s usually ourselves. I’d much rather know that someone can tell me where their “no” lies because otherwise, how can I trust their “yes”?  I don’t have any reason to question, push, or test their boundaries. It means that I take them at their word because there’s a big difference between playing a long game and not taking no for an answer. And while it’s true that some people say “no” when they don’t really mean it, I’d rather filter those folks out. I’m not willing to try to guess what “no” means.

    Of course, this is only relevant when there’s a mutual interest and it really is a “not right now” situation. If the other person isn’t available or declines an invitation, there’s no reason to question that or expect it to change. Granted, some situations do change eventually, but I don’t want to make it seem like I’m advocating for waiting around to see or for disregarding someone’s boundaries. When there’s a clear no, the best bet is to thank them for their clarity and move on.

    In those genuine “not right now” moments, one of the most important pieces to playing the long game is being able to express your attraction and your desires without attachment to the outcome. Some dating advice suggests that being the first one to express interest puts the control in the other person’s hands. There’s a small grain truth to that, since there’s a vulnerability that comes from being the first to open up. But don’t overestimate the size of it. This isn’t a question of control, which after all, is a zero-sum “I win or you win” game. Instead, it’s about creating something where everyone wins and sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do is be the first one out on the dance floor. With control, either I have it or you have it. With power, we can both have it and the more you have, the more I have.

    There’s an old joke about some people looking for Mr./Ms. Right and others looking for Mr./Ms. Right Now. But you might also find some success presenting yourself as Mr./Ms. Right When It Happens. Of course, not all of your invested time and energy will pay off, but it will often enough that I think it’s worth trying.

    This article has been republished with permission from Charlie Glickman.
    Please visit Charlie Glickman’s website  to view original post and more of Charlie’s works.