I firmly believe when people operate from a place of transparency, communication and harm reduction, so called “alternative” lifestyles can be just as normal as “traditional” lifestyles. In my experience, a lot of people engage in kink, even those who would consider themselves generally vanilla.
It’s important for people to have various ways of expressing and exploring their sexuality, and kink is one of the most comprehensive ways of doing that. “Alternative” is in the eye of the beholder. There are so many ways for this to look: it’s a spherical spectrum where you can pick and choose what you enjoy and with whom.
How My Interest In Kink Began
I think I’ve always had an interest, sex wasn’t taboo in my house growing up. I liked understanding other people, there are so many things we can express and experience. I recognized what negative sexual situations were: exploitation and power imbalances; but also how those instances could be done with consent and equality.
I was single for the first long time in my early 20’s and I decided I’d let myself explore myself for a change. I had previously spent the last decade teaching my partners how to have good sex and intimacy. I explored my local community, went out to events, got hooked and the rest is history. I knew it was important to pursue self discovery and kink was an endless playground.
Knowing What Kink You’re Into
Start by thinking about what turns you on, and then get into the Why of it. This will help you identify what activities will be geared towards your interests. I get turned on by power dynamics, I like it when there is a strong dominant and disntinctive separate submissive energy.
So, I look for things that will include those feelings: roleplay, impact play, femdom, etc. Try stuff! Don’t be afraid to try everything at least twice. What you experience with one person will not be the same with another person, or even the same person at a different time. Like any relationship, it takes awareness, accountability, communication, and curiosity to be successful.
How To Learn More About Kink
Ask questions. Do your research. Leave your shame at the door. Take it seriously, but light-heartedly. Go to events/shops etc and connect with a variety of people. Get as many opinions as you can.
Don’t be afraid to fail: you will get better at everything over time and each experience is absolutely valuable and wonderful.
Popular Sexual Fantasies
Group sex/duos and power dynamics! Both most popular and ones I enjoy. A lot of people have fantasies of being touched, worshipped, and aroused by mulitple partners. There’s an erotic romanticism about it that I find appealing. Dom/sub play, especially in a role play context, is incredibly exciting.
It allows me to express different aspects of myself and fulfil various desires and cravings. Adding an artificial element of taboo and risk is a great way to get that “sexy danger” feeling in a safe way.
Tips For Beginners To Make Their Sexual Fantasies Happen
Develop your vocabulary! Learn ways of expressing what you like and how you like it. Your partners, even if they’re more experienced, are not mind-readers. They will do the best they can based on their knowledge and experience, but you are unique and you need to contribute to the success and enjoyment of your experience.
The more fun you have, the more fun your partner will have: we love to make each other feel good, do everything you can to facilitate that for each other. Communication and transparency. There is no such thing as failure unless you lie. Be excited about getting what you want and giving your partner the same by refining your techniques and signals.
You never know what you might enjoy.
Emele Devine – I’m the nerd with the knockers, fashioner of fine birthday suits and all-around dork. I enjoy everything from sci-fi to sex and bondage to Buddhism. I like to think I’ve got a child-like curiosity that is refined with adult patience.
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I’m always working on lots of projects and coming up with ideas I love to get feedback on. Best to check in on my Twitter, I post all of my new work and adventures there.
Images courtesy of Emele Devine
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