I primarily see sex as something playful and fun! I’m kind of obsessed with it actually, which is part of the reason I do it for work. It’s fascinating and vulnerable and it reveals a great deal; not only how we feel about each other but also how we feel about ourselves, the kinds of experiences we’ve had in the past, our preferences, our “go-to’s etc. It also has a tendency to get intense and complicated, but I prefer it as it’s awkward and adorable recreational phase.
I was lucky enough to have my earliest sexual experiences be queer, therefore there was no real precedent for what sex was supposed to look like. Queer sex has allowed me to be open-minded in terms of how sex is defined, what my “role” is, and by hooking up with people with diverse gender and sexual identities, I have been able to try new things and find out what turns me on. This has been valuable, and allows me to see sex as an intimate interaction with many possibilities, rather than a predictable script I’m supposed to follow.
I empathize a lot with people, especially straight women, who are brought up to see themselves as sexual objects rather than sexual subjects. We’ve come a long way in terms of sexual empowerment but it’s important to recognize that men and women are often not on an equal playing field when it comes to things like prioritizing their desire, having multiple sexual partners, and dealing with issues such as sexual health, safety and the possibility of pregnancy. That being said, I find it incredible when women find ways to take power into their own hands, find partners who respect them, and get to engage in super hot, fun sex. That’s what I’m trying to do.
How Adding Kink Spices Sex Up
Kink is any kind of “unconventional sexual practice or preference”, outside the realm of conventional or “vanilla” sex. Some people define their entire sex lives by their kinks, so much that it becomes a lifestyle choice and subculture. Others merely experiment and are lucky enough to find some fun weird shit they enjoy!
Personally I see incorporating kink into sex as a form of play. It changes things up, it pushes you outside your comfort zone, it allows you to think about pleasure differently and taps into parts of yourself you aren’t necessarily familiar with. For example, maybe you’re really into fluids, or feet, or fucking in some private bushes of a public park. These things may sound silly, but trust me, sometimes all it takes is the right time and the partner to really bring a certain kink to the surface. And if you’re curious, why not try it? Sex should be fun right?
Playing with power is a popular form of kink, and one that I engage in often. Taking total control or giving it up entirely during sex may feel counter-intuitive at first, but again, find the right person and you may discover you love to be teased, tortured or tied up. Or alternatively, that you have a penchant for making your partner sweat and breathlessly speculate about what’s coming next.
Try Incorporating Sensual Domination
Sensual domination is a spin-off from the classical Dom/sub relationship which focuses more on the sensual side of power and prioritizes pleasure. People often think of BDSM as “whips and chains”, a latex-clad figure using a burning-hot cattle-prod to poke at a restrained victim. It doesn’t always have to be like that! (Though personally I’m not opposed, just say the word).
Sensual domination does not seek to humiliate, torture, and degrade the sub, but rather positions the sub as a precious pet or plaything. It pushes buttons without pushing boundaries. There’s many ways to do sensual domination, I personally get a lot of requests by clients to perform a dominant role, I’m not sure if it’s because of my height, my look, or whether it’s obvious that I have a bit of a dominant streak. I’ve found a way to make sensual domination my own, which is a blend of the vanilla and classical BDSM services I also offer. In this role I position myself as princess, and try to encourage a sort of reverence in my subs, by handling them firmly, restricting their sight while playing with their hair and running my fingers down their necks, pressing myself against them and forcing them to explore and to worship every part of of my body, from my toes up to my neck.
It’s drawn out, it’s indulgent, it’s sexy. It’s 100% all about chemistry. I find a lot of my subs want to experience the feeling of gender role reversal, and being guided into sexual activity as an object of pleasure, without having to overthink or perform. I’ve come to really enjoy bossing someone around when they are so turned on they can’t think clearly, and are thus very determined to please me. Full disclosure that I’m a bit of a selfish Domme, but in any case it keeps them coming back, and it’s a lot of fun.
Ways To Introduce Kink For The Uninitiated
Start small. Remember that “kink” is an umbrella term which encompasses innumerable sexual practices, so it’s not like you can mess up or do it wrong. You could start by fantasizing and asking yourself honestly whether there’s anything, any kind of practice or porn that peaks your interest.
Are you interested in playing with power? Try to imagine yourself in both dominant and submissive roles. You don’t need to go out and purchase a latex catsuit and a cat-o-nine-tails to try and impress anyone. So much of kink is psychological anyway!
Communicate your interest in kink to your partner, and see if you can find some compatibility. Get creative and look for compromises. Your partner may not be ready to enact a consensual kidnapping and keep you restrained and isolated for hours; however they could potentially be down to engage in a bit of dirty talk. Take your time, don’t rush things. Watch porn for research, but don’t compare yourself to it. Find ways to do kink your own way, and don’t take yourself too seriously! Focus on chemistry.
Follow These Do’s & Don’ts
Here are just a few…
Do give things a try, even if it feels silly/seems unusual!
Assuming you’ve found someone you feel safe with, why not put yourself out of your comfort zone and try something new? You might be surprised at the things you enjoy, especially if it’s something your partner has expressed interest in.
Do communicate extensively.
Try and be honest about your likes and dislikes, what you’re interested in, not interested in, and what you’d like to try. Try not to succumb to the pressure to make yourself edgier or more experienced than you are. You don’t need to whip out a list of scandalous fetishes in order to be desirable or interesting. You are desirable and interesting regardless of what your preferences are! Try to focus instead on discovering compatibility and giving yourself space to experience things in the right time. Check in with your partner after and see how you both felt.
Don’t automatically assume that your partner shares your tastes for kink.
For example, I actually have quite a few male friends who have confessed to me that they feel uncomfortable when their female partners have asked them to be dominant, and that choking and slapping their feminine partners just doesn’t sit well with them. Just because your partner is male doesn’t mean he wants to be aggressive! Having an honest conversation about your fantasies and preferences is a good way to start. Compromise is always possible, but make sure you give your partner space to let you know if and when a certain practice makes them feel uncomfortable.
Don’t forget to be safe!
BDSM enthusiasts: If you’re using equipment, make sure you know how to use it properly. If your partner wants to be choked or treated roughly, make sure you research how to do it in the correct way and have a safe-word. Practice consent always. Don’t forget to check-in with your partner regularly. Engage in some after-care!
Zoe Geovanna – Zoe Geovanna is an independent escort and fetish provider based in Berlin. She’s performed for Erika Lust, had a brief and glamorous career as a dancer, and is generally willing to try anything once. She’s toured nine different countries in the last couple of years and doesn’t see herself stopping anytime soon. Her interests include nostalgic stripper-jams, covering her entire body in coconut oil, and sexworkers rights. She hopes to someday purchase a Mediterranean villa where workers around the world can come, kick back, and make jokes around the campfire whilst sipping Prosecco.
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Images courtesy of Zoe Geovanna
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