I actually grew up in a rather conservative household, with my mother being the driving force behind it. She would actually pre-read books before giving them to me, and seal shut anything with any kissing, etc. Heck, I’m 26 and she still changes the channel when there’s kissing on screen! So, she’s super anti anything intimate and sexy.
Maybe it was because of that I’ve become a giant perve. I feel like I learned about sex a lot earlier than everyone else I knew, and accidentally discovered porn when I was 13 and was reading fan fiction…
Despite my best efforts (I was so shy in high school that people actually thought I was physically mute until I was 16), I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 19. And kind of haven’t stopped since.
I think sex isn’t just about a physical act, but a great form of release and connection. I think that as long as you’re being safe and risk aware, and everyone is consenting, who cares what you do? I feel there’s still so much shame and taboo about sex, but I always talk really candidly about it with my friends and now my siblings. And some of the feedback I often get is that I’m so open and honest about it all that they feel truly comfortable talking about it all. I’m also very fortunate to report that all of my friends these days are kinksters, so talking about sex is part of what we do. I think that sex should be talked about, because we’re still so very, very uninformed about it. Sex is everywhere, but it’s still seen as something that shouldn’t be talked about too much, particularly for women. I think sex, intimacy, depravity, and all those fun things should be celebrated and normalised.
How My Interest In Kink Began
It’s probably inappropriate to say… But I was reading books about medieval torture when I was about eight… And I used to want that to happen to me. Like, to be hurt, not the actual medieval torture parts! When I started learning about sex when I was about 13, I remember feeling vague shock that it wasn’t considered normal to use handcuffs during sex. Like, I thought the normal thing was to use handcuffs, and blindfolds, and only on special occasions did you not use those!
Then there was all that damn fan fiction… So much fan fiction… And the Sleeping Beauty series….
It’s hard to say when I began exploring my kinks though. It was somewhat with my first long-term boyfriend. He said he was a Dom, but I realised later on that he wasn’t Dominant, he was just bossy in bed. And I didn’t like that. When I left that relationship, I ended up in Melbourne and dove headfirst into their beautiful kink scene. I thought I was relatively informed about kink before that, but man, I was sooooo naive.
In the public scene, I began lots of reading, lots of research, making friends, going to workshops etc. I found that just being honest with my friends was good, and those that didn’t like it stopped being my friends shortly.
I found using a site such as Fetlife, whilst intimidating at first, really beneficial for my growth. As I got to know people I got to read more, learn more. I even started a little bookclub for a while called Kink Media, and each month we engaged in common kinky texts and had a really informative, powerful discussion.
During that time, I met some very skilled and talented folks who also allowed me to explore my kinks. Not all kinks necessarily include having sex. I discovered the heavy weight of a flogger, the sting of needleplay, the bite and sensations of Shibari.
My Favorite Kinks
It needs to be said that I’m actually an edge-player, and a lot of the things I really enjoy are not for the faint-hearted, nor those new to kink.
My three favourites would have to be D/s, or power exchanges; needleplay; and shibari.
Whilst shibari and D/s seem relatively simple, they’re anything but. They require a lot of reading, education, workshops, talking to lots of people.
There’s actually not a huge amount of things I’m *not* into – and they’re all rather odd things. Like, I just don’t understand latex or PVC. I don’t like it at all! Most of my kinks can stem back to a power exchange – I will do something I don’t enjoy, because my Dominant at the moment enjoys it, and because I’m doing something I don’t like just for them, I find that really hot and submissive, and as a result… enjoy it. If that makes any sense at all. So an example is… I hate impact play and find it really difficult to do – but if whomever I’m playing with wants to, I will allow them to do it, because it makes them happy, and submitting to them makes me happy.
Tips For Beginners To Kink
Research. Read. Research more. Talk to people. Talk to people without any undertone of sex for you. Make it your goal to know as much as you can about things as possible. It’s easy to get caught up in a frenzy and also easy to think that everyone is SUPER INTENSE and that the online world of kink is terrifying.
It’s both and neither. Not everyone needs to make their life about kink, but if you want to enjoy things safely and happily, some research is really, really vital. Even something as simple-seeming as a spanking or bondage has an art to it, and in the wrong hands can be hugely damaging. In the right hands… amazing, and even life-changing.
I’d suggest joining Fetlife. It’s a big scary place, but heck, I joined my younger sister up to it last week. Together we added her to groups that were nearby, and matched her interests. We added a few fetishes. I told her about munches, and how to approach those. Go to munches. Seriously, they’re how you meet people and having kinky friends can make such a massive difference to your journey.
Don’t buy the shitty toys at lingerie stores, or even a basic adult store. That thin “whip” (flogger) thing might seem sweet and gentle because it’s little, but those motherfuckers *hurt*. And so what could have genuinely been a kink for someone, because it was explored poorly, with poor tools, might become something scary and uncomfortable. And that sucks for everyone. Don’t buy crappy handcuffs. I’m not saying to go out and get the fancy, expensive stuff… but don’t skimp either and get candles from your grocery store. Get something quality – you’ll seriously notice a difference and find it far more enjoyable then. In addition, if you go to an adult store with a good selection, the staff will likely be able to assist you in making the right decisions for what you need. They won’t judge, they will just be glad to be helping you make informed decisions.
How To Introduce Kink Into Sex
Talk to your partner, friends with benefits, whatever. Figure out what you’re both interested in, and figure out where you overlap. Start small, and don’t go too crazy. It can be enticing to try everything at once, or even try to do ten different things in a night, but it’s way more fun to really sink in and enjoy the small things. Really get to know those small things, get a good feeling for it.
Always try things two or three times, and maybe even with different people. Everyone is really different, and so what might be a bad experience with one thing with one person, can be the most beautiful, sexy, fun time with someone else.
I cannot emphasise reading and education enough.
Make sure you’re prepared for aftercare, and things like drop over the next few days. I personally keep a diary about my play, and the feelings over the next few days.
Kink is a really amazing experience. It’s deeply intimate, so much fun, and sexy as hell. If you engage it safely, and are informed, it can change your life in so many amazing ways. I love kink, and couldn’t go back to a “normal” sex life, and wouldn’t have it any other way.
Charlotte Rain – Charlotte Rain is a Brisbane-based escort, and pro-submissive. She really likes butts, buttsex, cute things, and generally causing mischief and joy where she can. She is currently completing her Masters in Counselling, raising a cat, and spends too much time on Fetlife.
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