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Are You Connecting Emotionally When Having Sex?


Are You Connecting Emotionally When Having Sex?

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He startled. Shrank back for a moment, then surrendered.

I don’t need to tell you exactly what we did, how when where or who did what to whom. What you really need to know and what we all desperately need reminding of is this, in the words of my client for that evening: “I was shocked when you kissed me. You’re very affectionate, I wasn’t expecting that but I found it incredible, intense. It’s like it made the sex more enjoyable”.

Did you get that?

Connecting emotionally makes sex better.

Connecting emotionally even makes kink better. I didn’t just kiss him, I’ve been in this business a long time and I know what I’m doing (now—my God, did it take me a long time to learn). I deliberately created and maintained a connection with my client so that I could sense what was and what wasn’t right for him. I would even go so far as to say that had I not made this unusual move, I could have done something dangerous, unsafe and put the poor guy off sex for good. If you look back at the ‘courgette incident’ and the poor woman who had to endure her other half wanking next to her; would they have behaved in this way had they spent a moment to connect? Of course they fucking wouldn’t. When we fail to connect emotionally – we become blind to what we need.

Now let me just remind you because chances are you are a bloke reading this and thus, this means that you might be screaming “Connect emotionally?! Are you mad? I just want a fuck!” Connecting emotionally does not necessarily mean that you have to see your ‘shag’ again nor does it mean that you have to marry them. What it does mean is that you will both have a more enjoyable experience (kink included) and that you will leave their flat/house/sex dungeon feeling sexually satisfied.

How can how I do my job help you to have better sex? Because I know the difference between being sexually satisfied and being sexually ‘high’. When you are sexually high, you crave more, and this is an addiction. When you are sexually satisfied, you are content, relaxed and dare I say it—healed. Sexual Healing isn’t just a song you know.

I think the penny might be dropping. I think you might now be starting to feel a tingle down ‘there’. I sense you might want to rip the clothes off of your boyfriend/lover/cyber shag/pet poodle (joke) because you now know that making a connection makes for better shagging. But wait. Take your time. Make that connection before you strip down/rubber up/strap-on … then report back. I’m dying to know how you got on….

N.B. Some details have been slightly changed in order to protect the privacy of my clients.

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Matt Chase

Matt Chase is a Sex Worker and Writer with professional training in Counselling and Psychotherapy. He is also an ex-nurse and so you can imagine how he makes the business of sex interesting. He believes that Sex Work is a Caring Profession. Matt, who is known as ‘Matt-at-Lotus’ to his clients, specialises in helping men to connect emotionally using touch, kink, breathing exercises and horny adventures. Matt believes passionately that you can make love on a one night stand and encourages men to explore this belief by putting it into practice. He works as a professional Escort, Sex Worker, Sexual Masseur and also writes on Sex and Relationships, Kink, Connecting Emotionally and Mental Health. He blogs at: and can be found at: He is based in Manchester UK and travels internationally.


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