I want to be desired deeply as I desire. I want to be touched with the longing of the continuous curiosity of my flesh, mind and soul. To be consumed in passion is like a good high. Better than alcohol or weed and as strong as dancing to Pink’s “Raise Your Glass” at full blast. Sometimes I get that feeling of desire when I am in the eyes of a purser. That man or woman who wants to be inside of you; that feeling is awesome. The object of desire, the object of the chase. Right now as I write this in a remote part of Northern Thailand, the only ones desiring me like their life depending on it are the mosquitoes.
So in the wee hours before dawn when I awoke again with this hunger for desire, I had to ask the hard question. Am I desirable? My first thought was to look in the mirror. But I know what I look like and what I can look like when I primp. Self-improvement of the physical body is not the means to the end I desire. And attraction for my physical beauty is not my aim. Desire is deeper when it’s internal heat that is generated. Beyond the pretty surface there is something more. Something I want this person to want with me; not of me.
So I dig a little deeper and look at what I’m desiring. I desire the heavens. The knowledge and the ability to walk among the stars, galaxies and planets of other worlds. My curiosity is for more beauty. Though every day I try to soak in the beauty of this planet, I desire more. Am I greedy? I suppose I am. And I desire someone who has the same desires. The passion that pulls us through the worm holes and vortexes together in an orgasmic arch! Whew that’s a good fantasy for me. But where and how?
Recently I heard a senior instructor at Taoist retreat espouse the goals of the Taoist life: health, wealth and longevity. My thought was then what? And is that all you got? They have exercises that frankly sound and look silly to my western mind, but if believed and practised, I’m sure you will feel better and live longer.
BDSM has taught me that to create a continuous stream of desire, you leave when it’s still hot. As we say ‘always leave them wanting more’. But that’s a good scenario for play, not for relating. Your partner gets focused on what’s in your toy bag of tricks and you can easily become the puppet for kinky play.
A partner said to me once: I share who I am when I’m comfortable they like me. That stopped me cold as I wondered who did I just like then if that wasn’t the real you? I know the answer; it’s our Sunday best behavior we all put on. It’s the courting ritual of mating and fear of rejection crap we all have to wade through, but that false start is limiting. And then we wonder what happened to the person we first met and liked. Where did they go?
My mother taught me to play hard to get. That way I string along the desire until I get the man with a wedding band. What Mother didn’t tell me was that I was also trapped in that band. And desire is almost totally lost once the wedding bed becomes a marriage. For that reason I knew I couldn’t marry someone I had not slept with prior to the legal agreement. A bad lover is one of the rings of hell in my book. I can only compare it to country and western music sung by drunk foreigners with bad breath and ugly feet.
So what are we to do? Pursue our personal desires is my solution with the expectation that you’ll find an equally hungry partner along the way. That also fulfils for me, the desire for more answers to my curious mind, more beauty for my hungry eyes and more dance for my soul. Okay let me make a plug for the ecstatic dance scene for a minute. It’s a bunch of white folks for the most part cutting loose in semi darkness without judgement about their rhythm and skill. Very nice once you get the hang of it. Get in your own corner of “don’t care what you look like and just move so it feels good within.” If you can find a class at a yoga studio go, or better yet turn on your favourite music and create an event yourself. Invite a friend or two over and really let loose.
Dig deeper in your soul for the art inside of you and produce it. We all have some creative talent. It’s part of the packaging like two ears, lungs, liver etc. we are born that way. I can’t paint but I can collect beautiful art. My grammar sucks but I love writing. I have rhythm but Alvin Alley won’t be calling me for an audition. I love hosting a beautiful dinner party but Martha Stewart I’m not. Great philosophical thought makes me wet, but didactic discussions like politics dries up the pussy. Focus on what stirs you and go do it. I’ve satisfied a bit of my desire by writing this piece and sharing it with you. I hope it creates the same desires to fulfil for yourself.
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