In today’s society, everywhere we turn we see products and advertisements that promise new ways to have hot, passionate sex. With all these tricks to try we are often left wondering, what happens if the sex is nonexistent? In my line of work, I often am faced with couples that are at a sort of sexual standstill, and this is (to say the least) frustrating for all parties involved. What happens when that passion begins to fizzle and you find yourself in the midst of a dry spell? And even more importantly, what can you do to reignite the flame? Read on to learn the keys to return the heat between the sheets:
1. Open the lines of communication.
Chances are, if you’re unhappy with the quality or quantity of sex that you’re having, your partner could be too. There is a common misconception that less talk means more action, when in all actuality, this is not true. Your partner is not a mind reader!! Find a time (NOT while things are hot and heavy) to bring up your concerns and make your requests, but do so in a way that makes your partner feel wanted, not blamed.
2. Make the time to connect.
I know, this sounds so simple. The truth of the matter is that the majority of men and women become sexually aroused in very different ways. Women, for instance, will often present with complaints of a lack of romance, intimacy or feeling like they are not connecting with their partner. This comes from an intrinsic need for emotional closeness in order to be aroused sexually. Men, on the other hand, often seek physical intimacy (i.e. sexual intercourse) to feel connected emotionally. You can see how things might get a little complicated. Take time to turn the focus toward reconnecting with one another in an intimate way. In the sex therapy world, we often talk about sexual intimacy as a broader category of acts that may not include intercourse. For instance, sensual massage, showering together and other erotic activities can bring partners closer together, before they take to the sheets.
3. Prioritize your relationship.
Think about all of the things in your life that you need to actively maintain. When the fridge is empty- you get groceries. You fill your car up with gas and get the oil changed so that it continues to run. In the same way, you need to make time to focus on keeping your relationship fulfilling. Whether this is a weekly date night or daily rituals that help you and your partner connect, make each other a priority and stick to it!
4. Think outside the box!
If monotony is the cause of your sexual stagnation, maybe now is a good time to approach your partner about adding some spice to your erotic life. While being respectful of boundaries, making sex fun and playful again can often lead to increased frequency and pleasure. Adding toys and other sexual enhancement products, new positions, or role play fantasies to your sexual repertoire can be a fresh way to experience one another.
5. Make love all day.
I know, you’re thinking, “who has time for that?!” But when I say make love, I’m not talking specifically about intercourse. So often, we get tied up in the idea that sex needs to be spontaneous for it to be hot, but that is not always the case. Think about it: if you receive a suggestive text message or email at the beginning of your work day and continue to flirt with and tease your partner, by the time you get home the anticipation and the sexual tension will be rampant. You’re actively sending signals to your partner that they are desired by you, and vice versa. Try it! If you and your partner have planned dates for intimacy (or if you’d like to try), plant the seed early on in the day and keep it going! And above all, have fun, be honest and be open with your partner!
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